Miri

I don't think it is that simple - things should not just be left as they are. I still have property at his apartment, much of it is valuable and/or has a lot of sentimental value and can't be replaced. We didn't live together but I spent more time there than at my own place, so I feel like my life was left there too. Everything happened so abruptly that I never expected to have to leave, and that night he just said that I didn't have to move my things out, and to give it some time. So it felt like I would be back soon. Now I don't know. He should not hold my things hostage for this long if he doesn't want me to come back, and he has not asked for anything of his back yet either. I don't have the heart yet to just write to him saying I want to come to get my stuff and walk out of his life. Though I do need it back, I don't need it immediately, but I feel like this is very wrong of him to do. And all of it, in general, has been really awful. I thought he was a good guy, but this is not the way decent people treat each other. I have always been there for him, treated him with care and kindness, supported him when he needed me. I can't understand why he would be upset with me to the point where he can't even talk to me after two months of no contact, and over three months since his mother died. It is so crazy and I'm starting to feel like it's ridiculous. While I know that every attempt to contact him now may just push him away further, I think I have given him plenty of space already. At this point it shouldn't about playing hard-to-get or trying to seem busy or unavailable - he should be able to talk to me at least as a friend. This situation cannot continue. No matter how bad things get, I never did anything wrong to him and I should not be treated with this lack of respect and consideration. He is functioning seemingly fine with regard to all other aspects in his life, he's posting stuff online to share with friends, socializing, even going on trips and holding barbecues at his apartment (where I used to be the hostess). So he should be able to drop me a @#*% line!!! I'm about to reach the bursting point like Tom did, but I know that being angry probably won't be productive. I just don't know how much more of this I can bear. I'm not asking for him to get back into a relationship. I just want to know how he is doing, to know that he is still there. We shared a life together, I had an important place in his life, and that connection meant something to him. I was a really good thing in his life, possibly one of the best things that ever happened to him. He distanced himself only because of his mother's death, something that had nothing to do with me or us. Why is it so hard for him to even talk to me now?

In spite of telling myself I wouldn't, I tried calling him last night, no answer, so I sent him a text just wishing him a happy birthday. No response, as expected. I tried calling again this morning when I saw that he was up, and same thing. It's starting to really bother me that he doesn't even have the basic decency to pick up the phone or return calls after this long. I'm getting tired of this crap and don't know whether this is really because he is grieving or if he's just being a jerk towards me at this point, though there should be no reason for him to treat me like this. Normal, reasonable adults don't behave like this towards people they were close to and who have been good to them. It is so different from the person he was before. A friend I talked to last night said that it's been two months of no contact, it's not grief but lack of interest, but I don't know if he's right. It's hard to believe that, honestly. He's always said that he cared deeply about me and wanted me to stay in his life, but it seems like he's not able to treat me with this basic respect that he can show to any of his friends. Maybe it's time to move on and I should just ask for my things back, but I don't know. I don't want to give up hope but I can't know how he feels if he won't talk. A lot of people have said to give him space and more time, wait until he's ready to talk, but I don't know if that's just turning this into a long, slow death. Other people have said I should take action because it's been long enough and that closure is better for my own emotional health. I really don't know what to do. I have reasons to believe that he thinks about me but maybe just isn't ready to talk yet. But how much longer can this last?

Well, it's his birthday today, and I'm just sad thinking about him probably being alone today. I know that he said his birthday last year was depressing, because his friends don't really make a big deal out of it (nor does he expect them to). It would have been different this year with me I think. I had wanted to take him out to a really special dinner and celebrate it properly, but that can't happen under the circumstances. I'm sure he's very sad today, thinking about his mother and father, and how they aren't around anymore. I wonder what he's doing - last I heard, there weren't any plans for his friends to get together or anything, and maybe that's what he prefers this year because he is grieving. This may be a trivial thing but I see that no one has even posted on his Facebook wall to wish him a happy birthday and that seems very strange to me. (He doesn't have wall posts disabled or his birthdate hidden, at least for me.) I know he isn't a big Facebook user, but it is odd. I kind of want to post something there, but I decided before I would just send him a card and that was enough - no call, no text, etc. nothing too much. But I can't help but feel sorry for him. I hope he doesn't think that my not posting there means that I don't care, because of course that is not the case at all, but it looks bad. Then again, he asked for a break so it's hard to know what the appropriate level of contact is. I hope the card was the right thing to do. I listened to an old voicemail recording of a message he left for me on my birthday - he sang a couple of snippets of songs - he was so affectionate and happy and sweet! I can't believe that that person is gone, and there is no knowing when he will ever be back. I just wish I could call him, because there shouldn't be any ill will between us, but I don't understand why he doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all. I know he must be hurting so much, and I wish he would let me comfort him and make him feel better as I used to be able to.

I'm so sorry that she snapped at you like that!!! You deserve better but it just seems like she cannot give you her best right now. She is grieving, she is not herself. It's been three months, yes, but people who have experienced a great loss like this have told me that things work on a different time scale when one is grieving, and it may not seem like long to her. Three months feel like nothing. My co-worker advised me to wait at least six months before expecting anything close to feeling "normal" again. For some people it can take longer. It doesn't mean you should hang on to hope, because it's entirely up to you to move on, she may never be able to return to the way she was before. But just not to expect her to behave as she would normally, until more time has passed. She probably just isn't able to deal with pressure or stress from anything right now. I know it's hard, but I'm sure you will get a better talk with her someday, if you don't push for it. Time heals all. I know it's much easier said than done as I am going through the exact same thing myself, and there have been many days where I desperately wanted to do the same thing you did and call my bf out on the poor way he has treated me. Please keep posting and let us know how you feel, what you are doing to cope.

I sent the card, with only a very brief birthday greeting. My friend said it shouldn't do any harm, one should appreciate being thought of. But also not to expect any response from it. I went out to dinner with a big group of friends last night, we talked for hours and it was fun. But as everyone was leaving, one of my friends mentioned she'd be going to the coast today to have a barbecue/picnic with another set of friends - she didn't mention this but I know it is a group that would very likely include my bf, if he felt like going. I didn't have the heart to ask if he was going to be there. I know it's none of my business now and knowing that he's there, doing activities that he normally would have been doing with me, is only going to hurt me. I used to be part of that circle, and now I can no longer be invited to these things. I also remember going to that place once with just him - we watched whales migrating from the shore, saw the sun setting on the beach, everything was beautiful then. It's hard for me to think of him going there and having a good time without me. On top of it all it's the weekend of his birthday and I can't participate, can't even call or talk to him. I hate this feeling of being turned into an outsider so abruptly. We were happy and nothing was wrong between us. Things shouldn't be this way.

Hi Tom, I really feel for you. Wish I could do something to help cheer you up. I know how you feel. It comes back in waves. I have days where sometimes I feel like I can be at peace and feel that everything's going to be okay. But days off from work, when I have a lot of time alone, are hard. I was never like this before, used to not mind being alone, because I had a very active social life. I actually used to complain that I never had any time to myself at home. But everything's different now. Last Saturday and today I haven't felt like eating or even getting out of bed. I just lie here and cry and wonder when things will ever get better. It is taking so long. I'm so sorry that you are stuck with all this time off that you had planned to spend with Fern, and now have to go through them alone. That is so rough and unfair. I hope you have friends and family who you can spend time with. Try to force yourself to go out, walk around, eat good food, see a movie, buy something nice for yourself. The bad feelings will pass eventually.

Yes, Tom, you are so right, and I knew these things you are saying, but it is still helpful to be reminded again. When I step back sometimes it is still so hard to believe that this has happened, when I look back at the way we used to be and the way he is treating me now - it seems so abnormal and doesn't make any sense. But then I read the messages of support here, it helps me understand it somewhat better. Earlier this week I really had a couple of moments of frustration and had to hold myself back from texting him questions or messages about wanting to get my things back. In a "normal" relationship breakup, things make more sense when they don't work out - either you have a falling out or things are just not working due to conflicts, but this is different because there wasn't anything wrong between us before this happened. I have to remember not to take it personally, that it is not really anything to do with me or what I did - it really is just something he is going through. Even though the way he is treating me is awful, I have to see it as something he can't help right now because he is an emotional mess. And it is exactly because his feelings for me are or were so strong that he has difficulty even talking to me - if he felt less for me, then he could be more civil to me or treat me as a friend. To hear that so many of us here are experiencing the same exact thing is somewhat reassuring, if only to know that we are not alone and that this is a pattern of behavior that can happen with a deep loss, and not through any fault or failing of our own. Tom, to answer your question, at first I just threw myself into work, 80 hours a week, weekends and long nights. It gave me something productive to do. Sometimes when I had a day off I wouldn't know what to do. I spent some time with friends, but they can only be there so much for you, it wasn't like being in a relationship. I am usually pretty independent and busy but I found myself at a loss. Everything I did with friends was a painful reminder of his absence because it was strange he wasn't there. I used to listen to a lot of music but have a hard time with it now because whenever I hear something beautiful, it hurts that I can't share it with him. I've recently taken up photography as a new hobby, bought a nice camera and signed up for a class with a friend - will see how far I get with that. I'm going to think some more about that birthday card, I don't have to mail it until tomorrow. It just seems like there shouldn't be any harm in sending it, since if I keep it simple and light it shouldn't be intruding on his need for space? On the other hand, I have no idea what his moods are like now with regard to me, and I don't want him to over-react. But it could also be a bad thing if I ignore his birthday and he'll feel like I didn't even care - especially now with no mother to call him on his birthday, no father alive either, and no siblings who will speak to him.

The other thing I remember now is that he seemed to withdraw in stages. For about a week right after his mother died, things were fine between us. Although I wasn't with him as he took care of arrangements (but I offered several times to travel there), we spoke by phone extensively a couple of times a day, and he would tell me everything about what he had been through that day and what he was feeling. He would say how much he missed me, and how he wanted to put this horrible event behind him and come home and spend time with me. He also asked me to help him with things he'd have to deal with later and asked me to be at the memorial service. By the end of the week, he seemed quieter but I thought it was just from being tired and grieving as the harsh truth of his mother's death sank in. Then one evening he said he wanted to spend a little time alone when he got back - but he also said that he wanted to spend time with me too, just needed a little time to himself to think, which I could understand. It seemed like everything would be fine. But a few more days after that, when he came home, he abruptly said he needed to take a break from our relationship. At first it was phrased in such a way that showed he intended it to be "just for now". He said he just couldn't be in a relationship with anyone while he was grieving. He also suddenly reversed everything he'd said a few days earlier and asked me not to come to the memorial service anymore. I tried to give him space, but as time passed, he seemed to withdraw further. Without any further discussion, the break turned into a more serious break-up, then he started saying that he didn't think he could be in a relationship ever again. And now, even though he said we would leave things on hold and not decide anything yet, there is just no contact from him at all. Is it normal for grief to have this effect and progression? I wonder if I have done the right things, or if my giving him so much space (and not reaching out to him more) has made it easier for him to grow more distant. Other than that, I don't see how his change could be due to anything I've said or done, as I haven't changed. I really just don't know what to do anymore, I tried dropping all contact for over a month but nothing came of it. We do have to talk eventually, as we never had closure and everything is still unresolved. I also have all my things still at his apartment (some are valuable and can't be replaced), but he said a long time ago that I didn't have to move my things out yet (as if he thought this break wouldn't last too long) and I'm still clinging to the hope that someday I'll be able to go back again and we can try to return to the life we had together before. I thought it would happen sooner, but it seems like things have been getting worse between us rather than better.

So I never did get a call back to my spur-of-the-moment attempt to call him last weekend, but I wasn't too surprised. The question is I don't know whether that means anything. I've read that when someone is grieving it can just be hard for them to get back to you because of what they're going through. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to hear from you or want you to stop trying, but just that they don't have the emotional energy to deal with it at that moment. But I'm starting to have some moments where I don't know if he just really doesn't want to hear from me anymore. It's been over two months now since I last talked to him. I didn't contact him at all for over a month (all of June and a little before and after). I broke my silence by sending him a postcard a week ago and then trying to call him last weekend (but didn't leave a message). I find it really hard to understand why he won't talk to me at all, as I haven't done anything wrong to him and we did not leave on upset terms. He never asked me not to contact him, or even to give him space, in those words - just said he couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, but he asked me to stay in his life and be a friend for now because I was important to him. We were fine, he just said he needed to figure things out and that we'd talk more and he'd see me soon - but that never happened because I gave him some space, and now there's nothing. I don't understand how things came to this. He doesn't seem to have fallen into a deep depression - in fact someone just told me he was kind of upbeat when they last saw him - but he could just be acting that way on the surface with them. His birthday is this weekend and I bought a card to send him. But a friend told me that since I haven't heard anything from him in so long that he seriously needs space (even though he never actually requested this) and that any attempt to contact him might be interpreted as not respecting his wishes. I am so confused - I've always heard advice to give space, but also show that you're still there for him, and to be gentle, patient, supportive, etc. Now I don't know whether it's worse to ignore his birthday or to acknowledge it. What harm could be done, as long as I keep it light and friendly? I posted a bit about this in Tom's thread and he suggested sending a text message instead, but my friend said a card was better because it doesn't imply that a response is expected (unlike a text message, where it would be polite to reply). I am so frustrated right now. I just wish I could talk to him so I could know how he feels, because without that communication, I have no idea how I should act.

Thank you for your messages of support. I am sure I will hear from him eventually, because I believe he is a good guy and not the kind to just run off and disappear forever. We also have mutual friends who will make him feel accountable. Nevertheless, it does seem like it's taking a really long time - three months since the death, and almost two months now since I last saw him or heard anything from him. I feel like I was just abandoned, and I don't understand why he can't talk to me at all, when he is interacting with everybody who is important to him, including an old ex-gf from ten years ago (she is with someone else now, but they are still friends). I know it is different with me because of the type of relationship we had, and because he owes me expectations of an emotional commitment that he is unable to give to anyone right now. But it still sucks to be completely shut out when he is still talking to everyone else. I want to believe that he still cares. It doesn't make any sense and seems really wrong for him to simply want to drop all contact with me when I haven't done anything wrong, and have always been good to him. I just want to have faith in him, that he will eventually feel better and come around. We had so much good that was going for us...it would be stupid of him to turn his back on that chance at love and happiness. Our friends think he is being an idiot, because they quite frankly do not believe he will ever be able to meet another person like me again in his life. I was really good for him and made his life better. He says he prefers his solitude right now, but I don't think that will last forever, as he was not happy being alone before he met me. Weekends are the hardest, especially because I think of all the things we should be doing, would be doing together, if his mother hadn't died. Especially on a long holiday weekend like this, when everyone else seems to be going about with their normal happy lives. I probably made a mistake by trying to call him this weekend, he didn't pick up and I just got voicemail and didn't leave a message, but he will see that I called. I don't know if he'll try to call back, but at least he'll know that I'm thinking of him.

I think you're doing all the right things, Tom. And it's good that you have mutual friends and are still interacting with each other, have chances to run into each other, even if it's painful and awkward right now that she isn't behaving as she used to. I think however with time she'll become more comfortable, and because you do see each other sometimes with other friends, it seems like it'll be easier for you to eventually be able to talk to each oher again and possibly get back together. I know that this has been the case for some of my friends who split up and then over time, because they would hang out together again, ended up back together because they realized they liked each other too much to stay apart. It seems like she just needs some time to herself for now. I know it's hard, but I think it would be good for you to find some distractions to focus on as well. Try to be happy! My bf's birthday is next week too, I'm thinking about sending him a card. Do you think trying to call him would be too much?

Today it's been about two weeks after the memorial service. I still haven't heard from him, but a mutual friend confirmed for me that it took place. He had many of his friends there, even though it was in another state and most of them had never met his mother and didn't know much about her. They are old friends from school, but as guys, they don't really talk a lot about intimate emotional stuff. They say he is acting like "business as usual" but I did hear though that he's gone back to smoking (he had just quit before she died) and drinking more heavily than normal. I feel bad that he no longer wanted me to be at the service, even though I was closer to him than anyone and he had actually wanted his mother to meet me. I wanted to be there more than anyone else. I wish I could say something to express my feelings. Right after she died, which was three months ago, I did have flowers sent and he appreciated that, but I could only put a few lines on the card. I don't know what to do now. It helped a lot to talk to a friend at work who lost her mother six years ago. She said three months is nothing when one is devastated by grief, so maybe he just needs more time. But for me, my life has been completely disrupted as well, and I am left hanging. We never got to have a proper talk about anything, there is no real resolution yet, and he kept saying we would talk soon or he would see me soon, but I haven't heard anything from him in almost two months now. I want to be patient, but without signs to give me hope, it is so hard. I don't know whether he just needs more time and whether to keep giving him space. My friend also said to know that it really isn't about me or the relationship, it's just something that is so overwhelming that he cannot deal with my needs right now. On one level I try to understand this intellectually. But then a day like this comes, when I am not busy or have a schedule packed with activities as usual, and I just feel his absence so much and can't understand why he doesn't miss me and won't just drop a line. I want to pick up the phone and check in on him but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. The whole thing has seemed really terrible and abnormal to me. One day we were so happy together, so affectionate with each other and in love, looking forward to so much...then suddenly a few days later, it just ends and there is no contact. And because of nothing that I did, nothing that should have been wrong with us... To have someone you were that close to just ripped out of your life like that is horrible, it is almost as if he died too. How can it just be this way? Everything was going so well and now everything feels wrong with the world.

Caroline, I feel your pain. It seems like it is a common reaction to a parent's death, as several people here seem to be in the same boat. I wish I could understand it and know whether we can have hope. It is such a difficult place to be in. You might be able to get more responses about your situation if you started a new thread of your own about it. I have decided to move this to the other forum about Loss of Love Relationships, as someone suggested earlier, in hopes that it will get more responses there. [Edit: It looks like a moderator just moved this over to the new section now. Sorry for any confusion.] However, I would still really like to hear from people who have been through grief and pushed loved ones away, if you stumble across this topic and have any words of advice. Sometimes it is just so hard to know what to do, because I don't know how to address his grief. Is space the answer? Or is it okay to try to send him little notes or check in on him even though he never contacts me? How can I know whether he's still grieving or if he's really just done with our relationship?

Tom, I feel exactly as you do - wondering why it's taking so long to even have a proper talk about everything and missing how he and I used to tell each other everything and go through comforting familiar routines together - waking up, having brunch, sharing things, etc. It's hard to understand why our significant others wouldn't feel that absence, but I guess right now the other loss they have suffered overwhelms everything else they may feel. What you said in an earlier post also echoed what he told me - about how he is able to see his friends because they require less emotional involvement. He said friends will say nice things and then they go away to their own homes, and they won't get upset if he doesn't contact them for a while, etc. I guess the strain of a relationship is just too much for now, but for me what makes it painful is that there is no contact anymore at all, and there doesn't seem to be any good reason for it if we didn't do anything wrong and they still care. He implied that he just had nothing left to give to a relationship anymore. And he also said he wanted to spend time together with me (eventually), even as he was asking for time alone. It just seems like as the days go by and I hear absolutely nothing at all from him, that possibility is fading. I got some really big news yesterday about getting hired for a new job, and normally he would've been the first person I would tell about something like that, and we'd go out and celebrate. He had been the one who encouraged me to go for it in the first place and due to the commute being easier from his place he said I could leave for work from there - implying that I'd be staying over even more than usual in the future, or possibly moving in. But now I can't even tell him the news as we haven't talked in a long time. I don't know anything about what's going on or how he's feeling, can't even be sure if the memorial service might be happening soon or already happened last weekend. It's so strange and hurts so much. But maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that this exact same thing is happening over here on the other side of the world too. As you said it doesn't seem to feel that long at all since Fern's dad passed away so maybe it is all still too raw. Hopefully things will get better with time.

I don't think it's necessarily them not being authentic, but rather that going through traumatic experiences like this can really change someone and they are not who they were before anymore. Perhaps they just don't have the strength to deal with it. In my case there were no warning signs that this could ever happen - everyone thought we were totally solid. In hindsight it may be easy to say that maybe I should have known there were issues from his dysfunctional family or whatever, and it's the grief that caused that to rear its ugly head, but know one could have known how he'd react. That's the nature of grief I guess. I know that if his mother hadn't died, we'd have continued being very happy together because he expressed every intent and desire to want a serious long-term relationship with me. And you say what if we had gotten married and this happened - but I think in my case the part of the problem was that we weren't permanently committed to each other yet, which would have helped. He said that he felt like I didn't know him well enough yet to understand his grief and that maybe if we'd been together for many years, he could have been comfortable sharing it with me. I don't think it should take years to understand someone but everyone reacts to grief differently and some people put up higher walls around themselves in reaction to emotional pain than others.

I know! It's so tragic. We had also been talking for a while about trips to take this summer and fall, including going overseas to Europe and various places around the country. He hadn't done much travelling except for work in a long while (before meeting me), so we were really looking forward to all this. I'm so sorry you are left hanging now with all this time off. I hope you can still take a trip of some kind, though I know it would probably feel strange to go anywhere without her when that was not what you had planned. I was thinking about putting the money I had saved into a trip with some friends, but I'm not sure yet. What they're doing is emotional selfishness, but at a time like this maybe they just can't help it unfortunately. I begin to wonder whether something like this might be insurmountable though, as even if they do eventually come around, there may always be lingering issues.

I know that must feel strange. I know my bf also went on a fun weekend trip with a few friends a couple of weeks ago (I only heard about it from a mutual friend as he hasn't been in touch with me recently). What made it worse for me was that it was a trip that he had previously told me about and wanted me to come with him on. It was still marked in the online calendar we shared together. I had mixed feelings when I heard about him going on this trip - first I was vexed because I was no longer included in travel plans we had made together and he hadn't cancelled them either - made it seem like he wasn't grieving very hard then? But my second reaction was to feel somewhat okay with it because I hoped it meant that he would start feeling more like his normal self again and maybe he'd realize that he missed me. I don't know, just like you I have no idea what's going on with him anymore. Just so strange to once be so close to somebody and then have nothing, not even their friendship, through no fault of your own. But I hope it helps you to know that you're not the only one going through this.

Tom you're so right about how similar our situations are. My boyfriend did say a couple of times before that he had thought about emailing or calling me but couldn't finish the email or didn't know what to say. I guess it is just too much effort and they want to take time out for themselves for a while? He says being around me is too confusing and causes emotional stress but I don't understand why my presence wouldn't be comforting at a time like this, why there is this inner conflict which never existed before. He has a high-pressure job and in the past, he would always vent to me and say how much better I made him feel after he talked to me about things. Now he is going through a more difficult time than ever but he doesn't want to turn to me as usual. I hope he is seeing a therapist as it seems like he really needs it, but of course now I can't know what he has been doing lately or whether he's starting to feel better at all yet. It feels wrong to not send any words of support while he's going through the memorial service stuff this weekend, but I guess I have already reached out enough times to express my condolences and let him know that I care. At this point, I may just have to let it be.

Thanks, I had considered posting there originally but thought this was a better section for my topic because it's not just about the loss of a love relationship but specifically about grieving behavior and why it would lead to ending a relationship which should not have ended for any other reason. I want to try to understand why someone would behave this way while grieving. I was hoping to get a broader perspective and insight into grief as it applies to my situation, from people who have grieved in this way - people who have pushed away a significant other as part of their grieving process. It's hard for me to rationalize it but maybe if someone can explain what it is like to go through that and why they would do it, I can begin to understand it a little better.

It's hard not to take it personally. On one hand you can say it's not his fault, but of course he can make choices about how he treats people he cares about and he hasn't pushed away anyone else except for me. He is responsible for how he behaves, especially if he seems to be functioning okay with friends, family, and work. Maybe those things require less emotional involvement, but at least he could drop me a line now and then, right? It's hard to understand why I have to be excluded completely when I did nothing wrong and have only been sweet and supportive to him (as he said himself). I think the memorial service is this weekend but I don't even know for sure since he hasn't contacted me in over a month. It's horrible considering how close we were before all of this happened. Not sure I should say anything at this point, or if any contact I try to make before he's ready would be viewed as an intrusion.

I do think there are a lot of guilt issues involved. Although he did talk to his mother over the phone pretty regularly, I felt like he often wasn't very supportive of her emotionally and I once kind of chided him (in a way that was mild and constructive) for that last year. They definitely had a love-hate relationship where he was always resisting her influence because certain aspects of her personality annoyed him. He was always complaining about her to me. I'm sure he feels a lot of remorse for that now. But it isn't fair of him to take it out on me as I've always tried to be supportive. What I find hardest to understand is the sudden breaking off of contact so abruptly, when everything had been going great between us. When she died, we had come back a couple of weeks before from a very romantic trip and we were very happy, more in love than ever. I could tolerate needing to cool off relationship stuff now, as it isn't the time to think about that, but don't know why he can't even treat me as a friend anymore (though at first he begged me to stay in his life), when I had been such an important person in his life before. I feel like he's punishing me for something even though I've been nothing but good and supportive to him. I haven't done anything to deserve being treated like this. I have a hard time deciding between whether it's better to maintain radio silence for a while longer or to try to check in on him again. Friends are of two different minds about this, and I constantly finding myself wishing I could contact him but then holding myself back.

Thanks for the advice. It's been a difficult adjustment but I'm trying to find happiness on my own again. I think the situation is complicated for us because of the grief component, which is why I found the posts on this site to provide the most insight, rather than a site about general relationship advice. I know that my relationship in itself was great before this death happened - even the night before his mother died, he expressed how happy and in love he was with me, and we were making plans to travel outside of the country together. We had so much we were looking forward to. I can understand needing to put those things aside now, of course, but I can't understand why grieving means that he has to treat me like I don't even exist and it's like he made a decision overnight to throw away everything we had built together. I get very angry sometimes because I feel like he's treating me horribly and I know I deserve better, even though I feel a lot of sympathy for his terrible situation. I wish I could hear from people who have been on the other side of this, to understand why someone would do this in grief and push away their nearest and dearest source of support. At first, my friends who knew both of us thought he had just gone crazy with grief and would surely come around soon because they knew how great we had been together. They can't make any sense out of his behavior. I can understand needing some time alone to grieve but he is letting friends and family gather around him and I am the only one who has to stay away. Memorial services are scheduled for later this month but he has asked me not to come (although originally, the first week after his mom died, he had asked me to be there with him). Why would someone's feelings change like that, when I haven't done anything wrong? It feels so wrong for me not to be there at a time like this. I was closer to him than anyone and most of his friends didn't know anything about his mother at all.

Tom, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how you must feel. I haven't gotten to the point yet where I am going to ask for my things back yet, but I don't know how much longer I can wait. For me I'm afraid that doing so will just accelerate the finality of the end for us - I'm still holding out some hope that he'll come around as he still says he doesn't know yet. I know it must be so painful to hear that she doesn't want to be friends. At least you were able to spend some time with her after her father's death and gave it your best effort. You have been supportive and a friend to her. It's only been about 3 months since her dad died so I'm sure her grieving is still raw. But this is the kind of thing that stays with someone and it may be a long time before she is okay. It does seem like the best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself for now and not get hung up on her. I hope that she eventually comes to regret the way she treated you but at the moment it seems like she is probably unable to think beyond her own needs.

Happy birthday, Tom! I'm glad that Fern sent you a birthday greeting today. Small steps, right? Thanks for responding to the new topic I started on a similar subject. It's here if anyone wants to take a look and comment: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=6508 I have been following your story very closely because we are in such similar situations and I know a lot of the advice here can apply to my situation as well. It's a very painful place to be in. I am glad that we are here to support each other and I am hoping for the best for you.

Hi everyone, this is my first post, although I've been reading some topics here in recent weeks. I've been struggling to understand and cope with how my boyfriend has been grieving. We had a very close, wonderful relationship and it was going absolutely great until his mother died unexpectedly. I was the person he was emotionally closest to, so at first he turned to me immediately and wanted my comfort and company. He is very much alone in the world right now because his father died a few years ago and he has no remaining close relatives. He had to leave to take care of arrangements because his mother lived in another state. I wanted to go with him but all flights were fully booked that week, and he said he would be fine. I just tried to be as supportive as possible over the phone, and we talked at least once every day. But after about a week, he seemed to collapse emotionally and withdrew, and when he came home, he said we needed to take a break because he couldn't be in a relationship anymore. He said he needed to deal with everything alone and didn't want to talk to anyone about what he was going through. He said maybe it would be different if we had been together for years, but I just didn't know him well enough to understand his grief. He said he loved me and cared about me deeply but didn't know if he should ever be in a relationship with anyone ever again. At the same time, he recognized on some level that this was a rash decision and said to give it some time. It's now been about 2 months, and we've only really had two more conversations since then. I've been trying to give him space, so I contact him rarely and I try not to bring up relationship matters (so as not to make him feel any pressure), but somehow he always ends up talking about them. He seems conflicted and confused about what he wants and says we'll talk more or he'll see me soon, but he never contacts me. I haven't heard anything from him at all in a month now. It is so hard to be treated like we never existed. I've read a lot of threads on here where people have experienced similar shut-outs from their significant others. It has been so hard to deal with this - I'm still crying almost every day, 2 months later. I want so much to be supportive and he seems to really need it, but he won't let me back into my place in his life. I worry that if I give him too much space, I will simply just drop out of his life completely because it'll be harder for us to ever talk again. Every day I come across things that remind me so much of his absence from my life, and I don't know how he couldn't feel the same way because we were so close and spent so much time together. He always told me that I made him happy because I understood him and made everything else in life worthwhile. He only has a small circle of friends, and they say that he doesn't ever talk about his mother or me at all, even if they try to ask him about it, but he just seems to be returning to his old routines now and looking forward. Is there anything I can do?? I feel like I am going crazy because none of this makes any sense and I don't know if I am waiting and hoping in vain. We used to always talk so much and spent nearly every day and night together. All our routines are gone now and it has been such a sudden change in my life. I don't know why he doesn't miss our life together, when he used to miss me so much whenever I wasn't with him. What makes it harder to understand and accept is that I know it probably really has nothing to do with me but just with his own emotional issues. Is two months still early in the grieving process even if outwardly he is trying to seem like everything's back to normal? How can I know whether he'll ever come around? Is there anything more I can do or should be doing differently?