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Sorry about all the post today! I've been fighting to keep positive today but it just doesn't seem to be working today. I started with not sleeping well last night, dreaming about mom, and getting up feeling tired and depressed. I had a couple of my students cancel their lessons today which is fine with me and I decided to just cancel the rest. I just didn't feel like dealing with it today. I went outside and set up a lawn chair in the back yard. I live out in the country so there is all woods surrounding the back yard. I'm sitting out there and it's absolutely beautiful out. Perfect temp, a very slight breeze, plenty of sun and nothing but the sound of birds and neighborhood dogs. I cracked a nice cold beer and tried to just relax. It couldn't have gotten better as far as the environment around me. Unfortunately I just couldn't enjoy it. It's just not the same knowing my mom is not around anymore. Still I sat out there for a couple hours and just thought about things. I finally went back in and it just got worse. I'm so used to my mom being there joking with me, talking and just bringing life in the house. Now it's nothing! Dead silence. In the evenings my dad comes home but he is pretty quite. I talk with him some but it's just not the same. With my mom we would talk about anything. If I had a problem I could depend on her being there for advice, she would tell me things that were bothering her and we would just gab about a variety of things in general. One of the things I really miss is being goofy and being myself. There would be advertisements on tv where I would act out some parts and goof around with my mother. She would do the same back. We had a cleaning lady that would come by once a week and she would get a kick out of us. Now that she is gone I have no way of expressing any of this. My father would not be amused at all if I started acting like that. It just feels so alone and empty here. I feel like when she died I also lost a part of myself also. I lost my buddy and cohort. Miss you Mom! Sorry again! I'm just venting!

I think you should find out! You have two things that will happen. Either, as you said, they will say it's been to long or they will be able to help you out. So the worse that will happen is that you will hear it's been to long. You would be in the same place as you were before. On the other hand they may have all the records and can review what happened. Then you will have a chance to ask questions that you always wanted to ask and you'll be able to put closer to them. I would say when you weigh out hearing " It's been to long" on one end and being able to put closer to some of those questions you may have on the other end it's very much worth contacting them. The only thing is I would do it as quickly as possible because more and more time is going by and don't get your hopes up to high. You don't want another question of " I wonder if I did contact them back then if it would have been to late" haunting you. Make a phone call and find out! Not a whole lot to loose!

In this crappy time I did do something positive. In the beginning of this journey I had doubts of whether we did everything we possibly could have to save my mother. What if she took prednisone instead of the whatever medicine they gave her, what if she stayed on the bipap machine etc... I had a case of the what if's. I then scheduled a meeting with her doctor. Unfortunately I had to wait a couple weeks to talk to her. Yesterday was my meeting. I had already came somewhat to peace with these questions but I wanted to hear it from her. In a nutshell she confirmed that there was absolutely nothing else we could have done. None of the things I was thinking about would have changed the outcome at all. She said we were all great in how we put her comfort in front of or own wants and we did a great thing by taking her home. She said we couldn't have done a better job at all and she was lucky to have us there with her. Now although it doesn't take away the pain of my mom being gone it does help. I'll never have to wonder later in life if there was something different we could have done. I didn't realize how much this visit really meant until I was driving home after. I'm so glad I can put this one thing behind me!

Yea, some days are so much worse then others. I'll have a good day or even two and then bam! It's one of the worse days I've had so far. I know we all have to go through it but it's hard to take sometimes!

Today was not really a good day. It was a pretty nice day out and my sister put on a picnic which was also very nice. That part was good! The thing that was not great was the fact that my mother wasn't there. I found myself not engaging in much conversation and when someone talked to me I struggled to keep it going. I just didn't feel like talking at all. I've never really been a very social person but I just felt tired and down. I actually talked most with my nephew that is 12. Also there was my aunt who I was pretty mad at because instead of being there for my mom in her last days or at the very least coming by to say goodbye she decided to go on a cruise. It was the first time I saw her since the cruise. I know she had guilt about it after but I didn't care. As far as I was concerned she made a decision she needs to live with it now. I know I would never go on a cruise knowing when I got back one of my sisters would not be there anymore. We didn't really talk all day but when she left she came over and gave me a tight hug and told me how she loves us all. It did really feel heartfelt as opposed to being hypocritical like the way I had been feeling about her up until then. I don't know if it's because the mood I'm in today but I'm thinking maybe I should just let it go. This just strengthened my feelings of how much I miss her being here. It is nice to see my relatives but I feel kind of down because I missed out on talking with some relatives that I don't see much and just missing my mom in general. I know I have no choice but to keep moving through this journey but sometimes it's just a crappy, depressing journey!

When my mom died I was holding her hand and I got this rush that went through my body. I equated it to relief that she was no longer suffering because it was similar to other instances of relief I had in the past except much more intense this time. Of course this is also the most intense thing I've been through. When I started to tell this hospice grief counselor she immediately identified with it and told me that was the energy leaving her body. Now I'm not really very religious so I don't know if this is the case or it was just relief that she is no longer suffering. This is an interesting thought though. I never thought of this. I'm just wondering if any of you had the same thing and what do are your thoughts on this?

Yea I have had a couple dreams like that myself. That's the way I get through this. One day at a time!

Thanks Marty and Mary!!!

I hope I'm not posting to much! If so I'm sorry! I appreciate all the kind responses! I really don't have anyone to talk to so this is my outlet right now.

It finally happened today! I was thinking about my moms last days and how she would keep calling for me. I would go to her and she would say "don't leave me" I would stay with her until I absolutely had to go to bed each night. I should actually say morning because it would be 3-4 in the morning. It wasn't much. I didn't sob or anything. Just a couple quick tears but it's a start. It was hard. My mind would automatically go away from the thoughts I was having and I had to force myself to stick on them. Little by little I started to feel the feelings come to the surface. Again it was a very quick event but it did feel good when I was done. I guess without really knowing it I am repressing real feeling about all of this. A small step forward but at least it's something!

I'm only in the beginning of my journey. My mom passed away just a little over a month ago. I can still identify with what you said about wondering aimlessly and just going through the motions. I've been reevaluating what I'm going to do with my life and I have some idea's but it's getting myself to put this into action that is hard. I have yet to hit any birthdays, holiday's or anniversary's so not really prepared for that except, as Mary siad, I'm going to try to think about the good times. That's one thing that has been helping me so far! The best to all of you on these hard days!

Great article Marty! By the way I did read all the other ones also. Thank-you very much! I'm definitely the instrumental type of mourner and a little of the dissonant mourner. As a matter of fact I'm meeting with my mother's pulmonologist (however you spell it) next week so she can explain to me exactly what happened through the last days of her life. I was in such shock by it all and I just didn't understand fully what was happening. The other thing I relate to in the article is how everyone seems to think I'm doing fine, including the councilor I met with for one session. It made me feel better at first but I'm suspecting that I'm not really dealing with it fully. I know when the depressed feeling creeps in I just don't know how to get rid of it. I try to think of positive things about my mom and it helps sometimes but I wish I could cry to get it out. If not cry do something else to get the feelings out. I can't stand that empty feeling. I do think I shy away from these feelings although I don't do it on a conscious level. I don't know. I could be totally wrong here also. Reading these articles and other thing on the internet is helping me understand little by little. Anyways thank for the article Marty!

I'm sorry about the anniversary. That must be hard. I haven't even begun to think about birthdays. holidays and such. I'm sure it must be rough to deal with. I imagine thinking of the good things that have happened helps. I'll have you in my thoughts!

Thank you Marty and Mary! First I want to say that I'm a 44 yr old guy. Maybe that has something to do with the not crying thing. I have tried to let go when I was alone though. A couple of times I would start to tear up but it would go away pretty quickly. Before she died and at the funeral I would have no trouble crying and I did a few times. Now I just can't get it out. I just start feeling depressed and get a sick feeling in my stomach. I went to a councilor and she thought I was doing fine with my grieving but this was a one time meeting for 45 minutes. I didn't get real deep into my background. I've always been a loner. I have had friends but very few close friends. I'm a pretty guarded person. It takes awhile before I will open up. I'll talk your ear off if I get to know you but it takes a long time to get to that point. I hate going to parties because I feel uncomfortable in those situations unless I have plenty of alcohol in me. I wish I was not like that but I can't help it. My mom was social as could be. I wish I picked that up from her. I also had major alcohol and minor drug problems when I was younger. I rarely drink now and no drugs. Maybe certain parts of my brain were effected by that especially since I started when I was very young and continued on all the way through my adolescent years. I would always keep things inside. I don't even know why but I always have. I don't feel like I'm less of a man if I didn't cry. As I said I did before my mom died but I just can't seem to now. As much as I don't think I'm in denial maybe I still am. Just like you said Mary I didn't really know my mother was dying until a week or so before she passed. Up till then I would always think everything was going to be ok. In the years before this every time I would start to think of how I would feel if she died I would instantly shut it out of my mind. I couldn't stand the thought. I always said I would just deal with it when it happens. It was only when the hospice people talked with us that her dying became a reality. In actuality it was a surprise for all of us. She wasn't felling well and it was the weekend. We figured she'll go to the emergency room get hydrated and sent home that evening or the next day. Three days later they tell us their is nothing else they could do and we should set up hospice care. We were all shocked! The hospice councilor said I was doing ok but maybe I do have some deeper issues I need to address. I guess I'll give it a little more time and see how it goes. If things don't change maybe I should go to a councilor. It's funny. I had this one guy say he wishes he could be like me. He commented how I'm so mellow and nothing seems to bother me. I had to laugh. If he only knew what goes on inside my brain!

Goes to show you how quickly things can change. I started out with having a good day and then I found an old vhs tape of my graduation. It brought up thoughts of my mother and popped me back into depression mode again. This on and off thing really sucks!

Hi, This is my first post. Let me give you a little background. My Mom had COPD and emphysema among other things. I moved back home to take care of her. I was the primary care taker. I got her up in the morning, helped her throughout the day and put her to sleep each night. She WAS my life. Yes I had no life outside of that and I pretty much lost touch with friends but I wouldn't trade it back at all. I'm glad I got to spend the time with my mom! Well she died 6 weeks ago from this last Saturday. Of course I'm totally lost now. It sucks without her! The thing I wonder about though is I don't cry. I get depressed and a couple of times I started to well up but it would quickly go away. I stopped by and talked with a hospice councilor and she said it might be shock but I think that may have happened while she was sick and we found out she won't be around for long. Once I found out she was in her last days I got numb, like the councilor described the shock as being. I didn't even really talk to anybody except for when my mother spoke up and needed something. I would snap out of it for that period of time. When she would go to sleep or drift off back to the numb state. At this time I did also have to try hard not to cry. I had to hold it back many times. After she died I went into what felt like a deep depression. I started in with the what if's and regrets. Some of which are still regrets. One is that I spent way to much time on my computer as opposed to talking with her. I'm a guitar teacher that set up a teaching studio in the house. Worked out great because I could still make money and also be here if she needs anything. Well my daily routine would be to get her up, get her all set and then go downstairs to prepare for the days lessons and take care of business stuff. I would come up have lunch with her, go back down and give the days lessons and at 8:00 pm my day would be done. I would then come up, eat dinner with her and get ready to relax for the evening until it was time to go to bed. Well I started to give myself more projects and I started to overwhelming myself. I started to bring up my computer to try and catch up on stuff while we were watching tv. It got to where I was on it the whole evening until I finally put it down the last hour before we went to bed. We used to watch Craig Furgesun. Well she would keep asking for things and I would say things like just let me finish this one thing and she would get mad. She would get on me about spending all the time on the computer and not spending time with her. We would unfortunately get into some heated arguments. This was stuff that I really needed to get done though because during the day I would have to either continually stop because she needed things, go do errands for her, take her to the doctors, daily chores and also my own errands. I was really getting overwhelmed here and sort of getting burnt out. When she would call me to get something I went from a happy "Ok, I'll be right up" to a I guess grouchy "Hold on I'll be up in a second". I would realize I was doing this and change it but I would end up back to the second scenario again. I was just getting totally burnt out. On the positive side we could never stay mad at each other. Usually five minute later we would be talking as if we never argued. I think the longest we stayed mad at each other was one day. At times we would have some real doozies but again five minutes later we would be talking fine again. Because I loved her so much I just couldn't stay made at her about anything. I think it was the same for her also. So anyways this was something that was really bothering me and I still do wish I would have just put the computer down and spent the time with her. I have however came to as much peace as I can with this because I reminded myself of the many times I would stop, scratch her back, rub her arm and just joke and have some good talks. She was the only person I could be totally myself with. I could and did get as goofy as I wanted. She would sit there trying not to laugh until she couldn't hold it back anymore. In this time she became my best friend. I'm so happy about that and I feel very lucky to have gotten as close to her as I did. So although I would change having spent so much time on the computer I did have some good quality time with her also. Now that she is gone there is a huge gap in my life. I have nobody to goof around with or tell the day's happenings to. I have my Dad and it does help having him here but he's a pretty serious guy and often quiet. I certainly can't act like a silly idiot like I would with my mom. What kind of concerns me is that I don't cry. I just get depressed. I went from it taking all I could muster to hold back tears to now none are coming up. I also have been having more and more I suppose good days. None right now are really good days but days where I'm not depressed for the whole day. I start to feel depressed and I end up thinking of something good we did together and I feel a little better. I still have bad days but I'm getting less of them now. I know this is a good thing to have but it scares me because it's seems to quick for things to be getting better. It's only been 6 weeks. How can I have had such a deep relationship and being doing ok already? I'm wondering if I'm going to get walloped with more grief all the sudden pretty soon. It still doesn't seem real when I look at the chair she used to sit in or pictures of her. It seems as though she is still at the hospital and I'll be getting a call to come pick her up. I of course know this in not true but sometimes it just doesn't seem real still. I now have alot of time on my hands and have done alot of deep thinking and have actually resolved some things in my mind doing this. I now wonder if I could really be starting to get better in only 6 weeks or am I about to get nailed again. I know I have some bad days still coming because I do have a good day or two and then the next day will be bad but I'm wondering if this is the calm before the storm. Again what happened to my crying? I'm not the balling type but before I had to work very hard to hold back the tears. Where are they now? Anyways, can anybody shed some light on what is happening to me here? Is this just another stage?