HoneyImHome11

The Harley is just the tip of the iceburg... My husband's hands are all over this house, between remodeling and trying to bring life and grace into our space I can't move without feeling him around me. The bike is only a part of my "woes" so to speak. It's only the part the "outsiders" see monetary value in. Well... I shouldn't say that really, they (family) are all speculating how long I will make it in "our" home before I "need to sell". Greedy bast**ds... sorry... going from crying to anger in a split second isn't pretty is it? Although I am beneficiary it doesn't stop the hard feelings coming out now from everyone, loved me when my husband was here but not so much now, huh? 14 years together, 9 years married... I think we knew each other well enough, lots of history that's not appropriate here. So when your dreams include two people and end up broken and shattered around you just how does one start to rebuild them when everyone around you is hostile or judging or waiting for you to fail? I had a better handle on my life when I was younger and I went through a divorce and raising a daughter on my own, I had more energy and was driven. This loss is completely different. It absolutely has taken my breath away. This loss is at a time in my life when I could retire in 9 more years. That is until the melanoma hit last year and changed everything... and death ended our dreams together and has certainly shattered my life. Buy then many people have stories, don't they? And sickness happens to much younger than my husband I know, but it doesn't help me get through this alone. It doesn't help the hurt any less. The only thread I keep hanging onto is the fact that my husband was such a fighter. He never felt sorry for himself no matter what he faced during the year of his battle. Now who am I to sit here and feel sorry for myself? As the tears are rolling down my cheek, I hear his voice remind me that his battle is over. That I don't have to fight so hard anymore, that he is free. But I miss him. Deb May 27th, 2011

Thank you all for replying to my first post, it was important to me as it was my first time away from the cancer board. I hope to learn much in the way of grieving here... how to grow through it, how to manage it, how to process everyone's advice I get. My short year with melanoma with my husband seemed long but compared with other's stories it was but just a quick boat ride through a messy waters. I miss him terribly as each day goes by so right now I can't imagine right now how it's going to be any better. As far as possessions go? What family doesn't understand... their comments hurt because I would rather be rid of them if it meant I could have my husband back. What the possession mean for me... I put them away so I don't have daily reminders because he is everywhere right now around me where I live in my house as it is. He is in the very air I breath. Thank you again... peace to all. Deb

Di, I'm glad I came here... I have spent the last year fighting a battle with the devil and I am exhausted. The support system and discussion board I belong to is full of sadness and I can see the future for so many of them just because I have walked in their shoes. Grief... that is why I am here now. I lost the one person who knew me inside and out, my husband. If that wasn't enough I lost my mother to lung cancer 9 days before him. Grief... I am lost in it's boundaries right now. I am bouncing right and left getting knocked around emotionally like a pinball. Each day their faces get fuzzier... yes, I know exactly what you mean. I am afraid to move forward least I forget who loved me the most and supported me no matter what I tried. Right now I feel lost without them in my life. My heart aches and yet I know I need to heal in the acceptance of letting go, of moving forward. My life will never be the same, I have to reach out to life once again no matter how fearful I am. But it scares me. Thank you for being here. Peace to you. Deb

Let's see... I've got to get a handle on this or this will drive me crazy and I will do something I will regret later. I can't be the only one going through this. My husband was a "Harley" rider... we took summer vacations on it, the most exciting one was "Sturgis" in South Dakota, the biggest daddy of the them all. I call my husband's bike the "Mistress", she is maroon, a 2004 FatBoy, my husband's pride and joy. Since my husband's passing (May 27th) there has not been one visit from family that the subject of the bike has not come up... "are you going to sell that bike?" and how are you holding up? or... "I know someone who might be interested in buying Bob's harley", and are you doing OK? or... "you know you could put a lowering kit on that bike for yourself and learn to ride it", and how's work going for you? or... "how long do you think you will keep that bike?", I hope you are taking care of yourself... The family just can't stand it... they can't stand the thought of this bike just sitting in our garage all covered up without a rider. Well, I can't stand it either. And between you and me? It won't be one of them getting that bike either. Not sure what I am going to do but Bob certainly didn't let any of them ride it before he died it certainly won't happen now after he died. I am feeling the walls closing in around me in lots of different directions, emotionally and through family just waiting and watching my every move... Am I crazy? Grieving sucks. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com