HoneyImHome11

Thanks Kayc... once again other people think they know better what's best for us? I also try not to listen too closely to those close to me. It's not that I don't care for these people but I think their own perspective colors what they would do in my place which is not the same thing. I bought a small rug yesterday for one of the small bedrooms in my future home... it will be a guest/ baby's room just for Zoey, my new grandchild. I won't care how often she comes (but I hope it's often cause I will nag my daughter)... but I plan on making it her second home. I also will bring out all my arts and crafts that got buried because of home projects with my husband no fault of his. I'm hoping this space will fulfill the artist in me this time. Good for us... Peace, Deb

Thanks Dave for sharing... - whether each of us decides to stay or leave our homes where we shared our lives with our loved ones whom we lost in my opinion it does not matter. What matters most is the forward motion. It matters that we decided to live life again. I am staying with a friend temporarily until my house closes... he was hoping to move in with me - not happening. I am learning what I don't need in my life. Time wasters - I have enough do work through I've decided. Everyone deserves a healthy friend (mental & physical) - I want to get there again. Be patient - your house found you for a reason... Deb

Thank you for responding... as always it's during a time I need it most. The offer trod the house has been accepted, if all goes well I will be in by Christmas and settled. This is my "Grandma House"... a home I visualize for my granddaughter to come visit me - short or long. This is a home I can use for my interests - arts & crafts. I turn 60 in Jan. - it will be my time, my hobbies that take the forefront this time. I have decided in this last part of my life will be all about me. Life is too short... lesson learned. Writing does help... I keep a blog. redesign08.blogspot.com a release of emotions - a record for family. I learn every day what I don't want in my life and this shows me what I do need in my new life. Thanks again. Deb

Husband, melanoma - May 27th, 2011 Mother, lung cancer - May 19th, 2011 OK... I'm not generally a whiner. I'm a first born, stubborn... getter done pick up your boots kind of girl. I came on this site not long after my husband died and some of you might remember me others will not. I am back just to show you my grief is the same kind of grief they warn you about... it can slam you up and down, side to side, it can choke you at times. Placing grief in a box does not mean that I dealt with it or moved through it. It just meant that I could get on with my life without suffocating. (Sort of) It's been a year and half since this war started in my life. This war of surrender, of finding myself again. It's not over either. Look at me... I'm here again talking to a screen hoping one of you out there will make some kind of sense out of all this. So here I go... I sold my house... am trying to buy another one. It was a good decision for me and I still believe this. I could not spend another night with ghosts. Everywhere the memories, the sensation of living with someone that was no longer there in this world with me. That house represented everything we worked together for. So... I'm starting over for me. The hard part is finding out just who I am and finding a house that fits me. It's hard. And the whole house buying experience sucks! Making decisions on my own, really? I'm homesick... I've been out 3 weeks and it has hit me HARD. I miss my house, I miss my view (river and sunsets), I miss my husband, still. I just recently became a grandmother for the first time... A beautiful, healthy grand daughter, Zoey. The most profound love I have ever experienced. Watching my daughter give birth and being in the presence of that much energy was a miracle and a healing gift that I am still trying to take it all in. How can I ever look back at what happen in my life and at the same time looking at this screaming 7 lb. 11 oz. package of unconditional love and see regret? Tell me... Finding male companionship/friendship... what a bag of tricks this is. I have learned so much about myself and other people that I think all I will say is that it was/is necessary for me to experience this. I have to learn who I am again, what I need, what I love, what is important again. In many years of marriage I was used to bending/compromising that I think I lost power in myself. I now have discovered that I need to learn to stand up for myself and not be walked on. Breathe... Life is pushing me forward. I am making decisions to live life to best I know how, mistakes and all. I do miss my old life but that will never be again. I finally have that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel I have been searching for and her name is "Zoey". Thank you for listening, Deb

A mom's hug lasts long after she lets go. ~Author Unknown Mother, RIP - May 19, 2011 Husband, RIP - May 27, 2011 I knew the this time of year was going to be a very difficult to get through... but I really wasn't prepared for being slammed up against the wall once more with all the devastating feelings of loss again. Then again what did I expect when I had placed all my emotions of losing my mom just one week before my husband passed away in a box to someday sort through as if I would be in better shape to handle it? Somebody's death had to wait.. I'm still processing all my emotions connecting me to my life with my lhusband & his death but as I experienced this my body told me that it was time to open myself up to grief once more, to the one person in my life who had the most intimate connections to my life than I could possible understand. I work at a community newspaper and holidays are good for us, good timing for designing spec ads to encourage retailers/vendors to buy into the paper with. Well the Mother's Day spec ad requested from my sales team started the ball rolling for melast week. I can't believe it's been a year since I've lost my mom. So many emotions surround losing her that I don't even know where to start to untangle my love and loss for her. My loss has always been mixed up with grieving for my husband in his sickness and death and it's been overwhelming. I have to ask myself... do a person ever get too old to grieve the loss of a parent? I lost my dad in 1996. That loss was probably the most difficult for me personally... a part of who I was lost forever. Experiencing that kind of loss for the first time was an identity/source crisis. Although my dad was never close with anyone I do know that he loved my brothers and I. BUT losing mom... the one who always worried us, no matter how old we got, no matter how useless it became. Love? Devotion? Yeah, I think so. As a family we grew up in a time period of Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best, Leave It To Beaver, Andy & Mayberry (you get my point). Perfect families existed on TV... but not in my house. I was devastated whenever our family situation couldn't live up to what I thought was "normal". Back in those days no one talked about feelings and it certainly didn't go outside the immediate family. I guess my whole point to all this that it took me a long time to accept that is no one is perfect... ourselves included. My mom especially was not perfect but I grew to love her no matter what. People come and go in our lives and it's not often we let some of them into our lives on the most intimate level (walls down). "Thank you, mom for always loving me, for showing me that no matter what rotten thing that might happen in my life that tomorrow is another day. Thank you for never forgetting my birthday. And as a mom, Thank you for all your support when I had Danelle, my one child and daughter. She is my world and my own lesson in motherhood." It with great sadness that I will not be able to share with my mom thst I am becoming a grandmother for the first time... this kind of sharing hurts in the most profound way. As I grieve for two very special people in my life today I also have every reason to smile knowing life does indeed go on. The eldest daughter, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Dave, I am so glad Ed is recovering... yes, I vote for replacing the couch! If nothing else it will be symbolic? He is lucky to have you in his life right now as he is getting better as I am guessing he has also helped you in the last 10 months? Funny how life works, huh? I have to ask myself now if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life (59) then risking to love again is what it's all about isn't it? I guess I need to be ready for losing someone again, the give and take of life, the risk it involves if I want to to be happy again. Not easy to accept. Peace to you and yours. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Kathleen, Although I don't know you I would like to congratulate you on the success of your writing and more to come. It is through my journey along with my husband's diagnosis of melanoma that I too funneled my grief in writing. I read to him everything I posted on my blog up until he passed. I hope this helped him realize just how much he meant to me as denial in the possibility of one's life ending is a powerful emotion. I also hope as time passes our blended family will go back and re-read our journey together with nothing but love as it was meant to be. I know I will be forever grateful that I kept this journal as my heart passes through all the first anniversaries together and time fogs my mirror. I love this site for it's active members who reach out when we need to vent or just hear a caring voice on the other end. Again... Good luck to and peace. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

No matter what our stories are getting on with our lives without spouse/significant other can be quite a challenge for most of us. I appreciate a place like this that allows people to share their feelings openly in that I may someday learn to how to love again, become whole and nurture without fear. My husband died May 27, 2011 - melanoma My mom died May 19, 2011 - lung cancer I have been overwhelmed these last 9 months. Grief classes have helped but I had a life altering experience that has changed me forever. Just after Christmas it was discovered that I had a very large tumor (size of baby's head) attached to my cervix. (hysterectomy performed 10 years ago but my cervix was left). Feb. 6th was surgery for removal and I went back to work this week. I've been waiting to hear the final diagnosis (they needed 2nd opinion from Stanford, CA) and just received word on Thursday... NO CANCER! From Christmas til now no one would commit until they knew for sure... My nerves are shot now but I'm so very thankful and relieved. I was my own worst enemy after fighting melanoma with my husband... I now know someone was looking out for me. I look at this event in my life as a second chance... my wakeup call. Spring is coming and ever the more reason to shake off the "sleepies" and reach out for life again. I made a promise to myself to not waswhammy moment that was given to me, small or large and go forward without guilt, without remorse. So... what happens now? I get a call from my daughter, I'm going to be a Grandma for the first time around Halloween. Perfect timing. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

It's been awhile since my last confession... "Oh, sorry... wrong place". ( my sense of humor ) . Due to health issues/surgery my mind has been preoccupied but you/this site have not been forgotten, grief does that. Also for another reason I found myself revisiting the cancer discussion board that helped me out during the year of our great upheaval. I ran across an entry I would like to share with you although not in its entirety. Just know the person was grieving and a friend of hers responded in this way... - Hey you ... - When you were here, you said something that stuck with me - you wondered how God could find you the perfect man, give you six years, and then take him from you. I kept pondering that statement you made and asked God why He would do that - although He always has a plan for our lives - this is what I felt after a few weeks of thinking on it. I believe God was a part of the two of you being together, but God knows our beginning from our end and He KNEW Mark was going to die in a few years. Try looking at it His way - Instead of God giving you to Mark - I believe He gave Mark to you - Mark needed to find the love of his life before he left this earth. God gave him that in YOU. God made Mark's last years of his life the happiest years of his entire life - He did that through you. Know that you made his life on this earth finally worthwhile. God gave him YOU. - end When we are ready the teacher comes? For me the message was resounding. Most of us are left with so much unfinished business when our spouse/significant other dies. There are not enough words to fill a broken heart I don't think, not enough comfort in the I'm sorrys. People are brought into our lives for many reasons, for many lessons in life. But love is the biggest one of all I think. Of course it stands to reason if I believe that my husband was the light and glory in my life and I still loved him after all the hours on the back of that damn Harley then he must have seen something in me, right? I've got to turn this grief around... all our days are numbered. A full heart, a giving heart that was his gift to me... I will make my life whole once again. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

I'm trying to skip Christmas this year... not one single decoration is coming out of the attic. So many memories to face. AND... the dreaded Christmas letter everyone is expecting, this also will not be written, the first time missed in many years. I am truely at a loss for words this year. I am in a Jekel and Hyde dilemma... the constant need to hold on to what was and the determination to move forward and no looking back. Peace to you during these trying holiday emotions. Know that you are not alone. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

November 27, 2011 Love travels in many disguises these days… and finding love hasn't changed in 20 years except maybe in the fact that technology has given us more variety. You can find love in bars, singles groups, the want ads, some even find it in the newspapers, online dating groups, in single magazines, local happenings/bulletin boards, or you can join a club that sparks same interests as you, dog parks if you have a dog, take a cooking or gardening class. Be sneaky and ask a question of someone at the grocery store… it just may produce a quick smile which might lead to a quick exchange of phone numbers, bookstores, libraries, trade shows, conventions, or how about a single's cruise and let's not forget meeting the long lost brother or sister through the effort of our most beloved best "friend". Admittedly, getting brave enough to put oneself out there is the most important first step, taking risks… letting the "big walls" come down long enough for a stranger to get close enough to share a bit of personal information and the ever nervous waiting for a nod or wink in our direction just so conversations can get underway. No, it's not a comfortable beginning but it's definitely a necessary step if you want to find yourself dating again. Developing those long lost set of social skills you thought would never need again can be quite a challenge to the ego. "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with." - Mark Twain So just how long does it take a person to mend a broken heart? Does it take 6 months? Does it take 1 year? Does it take 5 years? I've learned everyone has an opinion (family & friends) and unless you have personally walked that line you may want to hold that judgment. My personal grieving process unveils itself in unexpected ways and can throw me against a wall with its fury in a moment's notice. My unhappiness can be overwhelming at times and before I know it if I'm not careful I may find my life wasted away with feelings of despair. Reaching out to people is one way to soften the tender heartbreak of grief. Friendships and family wrap their love around my grieving heart so I will not feel so alone. But will it ever be enough? I am trying to be brave enough to say to the world "yes… here I am, afraid, alone and left behind". I am the one still breathing, I am the one still living, still full of light and love but with no direction. I am a soul with a beginning and an ending whose dreams have now been lost, searching for new meaning in life. I am trying to make sense of a heart that aches with tremendous loss and yet knowing that my life is not finished, knowing that the mystery of my life lies in the need for human touch again. How does my grieving mind wrap itself around this concept? How do I accept this as a part of myself? How do I know when I am ready? Love means many things to many people. I'm not even sure what the word means to me anymore as it is so big to me. So I have to ask… am I really ready for it to happen again? All I know is that when that door is opened do I deny it? When two strangers meet and feel a profound connection, is it a sign? Is it a hope of true understanding? In sharing of stories on an intimate level can love heal grief? This dating process is not something I could ever be able to prepare myself for. Going through my grief at 6 months, 1 year or 5 years, I don't think time could matter to me… it does seems to be an emotional breakthrough at times and it's enough to keep me hoping for my future. I did risk, I did open up and I will call my experience a loving gift from another person's heart. I could not have even guessed at the quality and feeling of keeping my husband's love and this new love in the same space, a broken shattered heart. I would not have thought this could be possible. It proves to me that there is room for both. If I have learned one lesson this year it would be that it is so important to live one day at a time and not to live in the past or in the future. It is not an easy lesson but I try to keep it in mind every day. Healing a Broken Heart – There is a reason Once there was a young man who proclaimed to have the most beautiful, flawless heart. An old man challenged him. The crowd looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars. Some pieces had been removed and others had been put in, but didn't fit quite right. The old man looked at the young man, "I would never trade my heart for yours. Every scar represents a person I've given my love -- I tear out a piece and give it to them. Sometimes they give me a piece of their broken heart, which I fit along jagged edges. When the person doesn't return my love, a painful gouge is left. Those gouges stay open, reminding me that I love these people too. Perhaps someday they will return and fill that space." mailto:http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/healing-a-broken-heart.htm I don't have the answers to grieving, this is only about my personal journey, my intimate story. I can only try to express what I have learned going down my grieving path. My heart is stretching beyond anything I knew possible… losing love and welcoming healing love at the same time. How can this be? So I ask you… can love heal this broken heart of mine? Life has no guarantees, that we know most of all, do we not? "Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself." Leo F. Buscaglia quote Peace to all, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you for exploring my perspective... My individual artistic nature has been with me and nagging me since I was very young. Throughout my life I have explored many avenues/projects to express my creative side. My graphic design background has kept me employed but not necessarily happy. My life together with my husband took my creative heart into another direction and that was remodeling... I am not an interior designer but it came together because he and I worked as a team and we explored our creative natures together. Our house, this sanctuary that we each loved is not finished and I'm not sure what will happen due to finances now. I'm trying to give myself some time to regroup and make decisions come springtime. So... Visiting the museum and reawakening old desires is a blessing for me. I don't know what direction this will take me I just know it made me feel more alive than I have since Bob passed away. And today I can thank my mom (she passed 9 days before Bob) for my first painting lessons when I was in grade school. We are all fragile... but if someone makes a suggestion (like taking you somewhere) try to go... my heart was not going on this venture. But because someone cared and knew I needed to get outside myself again I will be forever grateful. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

November 6, 2011 It was my first trip to The Portland Art Museum this weekend which brought out the long lost feelings of the "fine artist" in me. My education as a graphic designer led me down another path but let's be honest here… a secret desire to paint like one of the masters would certainly be the ultimate long lost dream now wouldn't it? Who wouldn't want that kind of talent? I was overwhelmed by all the Masters displayed in The Portland Museum like, Monet, Rodin, Cézanne, Rembrandt, Matisse, and Picasso. The Portland Art Museum, has just recently displayed "The Ox-Cart," an 1884 painting by Vincent van Gogh. It's the only painting by the revered Dutch artist in the collection of a Northwest museum; it is valued at a couple of million dollars. If interested you can follow this link: http://blog.oregonli...n_portland.html Energy and motion, the creation of visual art and sound, it's all around us. Music I believe is the very vibration of the human soul. The poet's words, the song writer's melody together combined will fill our hearts in gladness … the human soul and heart in union. Writing, journaling, blogging is another creative endeavor that takes others outside themselves, away from their everyday lives. Color, texture, mixed media… the artist struggles with psyche and body and is determined to finish his/her creation relieved at the same time of the stress and joy which surrounds him/her. It's a mad world, and sometimes as an artist their soul trembles as it struggles wildly to express its creation. Whether it is a success or failure the creative energy released is passed along for one and all. Our history is full of such stories full of creativity, some successful some full of misfortune. I do believe though that each one of us is blessed with a creative gift of some kind, some spark of energy that brings light into our lives and to those around us. What makes your heart sing? What brings you joy? Sometimes it's just a matter of another person reminding you of the very thing that makes your eyes light up, making you excited about your day. Creativity can be wrapped up in all kinds of packages but the main idea is that we can each be happy and artistic. I still find it hard to listen to song lyrics and melodies when my heart is lying in a thousand little pieces before me. My world at home as I knew it was destroyed and along with it all its glorious light. Without its light I have no color to live by and my heart waits for something I don't quite understand yet. This trip to the museum reminded me of broken dreams and unfinished projects at home. I did find that another piece of my heart went into place this weekend as I realized all was not lost in my dreams, I am myself just an unfinished project waiting to be finished… Slowly the color is coming back into my life; the song is being heard again in my heart. It may not be what it once was or it may be different I don't know yet but I do know the light is coming back and I welcome the change. One soul to another, Deb

Queeniemary, If alone are you really happy? If surrounded by friends are they both male and female? I find that I miss male companionship... and I don't mean sex. I miss hanging in the garage with my husband, watching him tinkering in the garage. I miss talking about my day and his male perspective outlook on life. I grew up with brothers and find I need the male balance in my life. Trying to develop "male" friendships at this point in my life seems to bear certain misunderstandings. I find because I married my best friend and we spent all out time together our friendships outside our marriage were other married partners. It is hard now to find other male friends who just want to be "friends". I do know that my husband would want to see me happy again just as I would if our stories were reversed (ie, I had died instead). Our human hearts are made for love, we are filled with light. I remember how wonderful it felt to share that feeling, to be held. Today...these feelings of darkness, coldness and fear are not a way to live on this earth. If truly happy in the heart and staying single, no longing for another then so be it but live let's in honesty. Deep inside I feel one day my heart will be whole again, strong enough to be shared, to risk being broken once again and I am working on it, reaching out. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

It's my anniversary weekend, it's Halloween again and it is 14 years ago that I met Bob at a Parents Without Partners Dance. Our relationship has been a whirlwind of creative energy wrapped up in the beginnings of a holiday of spooky madness of fun together. With a heavy heart I dreaded facing this holiday weekend and everything it has meant to me. After having taken these grieving classes I knew it would be up to me to change the direction that my life was headed (isolation) and I needed to find my happiness again, but anniversaries, holidays and memories… one by one they come to take me hostage. It was with the help of a friend this weekend and all its memories has softened me just a bit as this door of change was opened… Friday, a soulful dinner was prepared for me with lively conversation and a mutual acceptance of all things from the past. I experienced a crack in the shell of protection that I have built around my heart so that no invader no matter what the intention would get through. I know I am bruised and battered, I know I am damaged goods inside but that is not the person Bob fell in love with and I have promised to one day rescue her, make her whole again. Saturday my friend and I did major clean up day in my yard trying to get ready for winter. I owe such gratitude to this person because we worked for most of the day trimming and cleaning. So for fun we decided to try a haunted house together. Now this you would think would throw me into a meltdown but a love for all things Halloween will never leave me. The fact that so much of me was wrapped up in Bob just changes my perspective for now and I've accepted that I just have to find ways to celebrate my personal joy in Halloween maybe in different ways for joy in my future. Sunday… well it's off to church. Now I have to admit here that I have been very angry at God these last few months. I have not been active in church although I am baptized. The conversations in my head are not pretty and they are just between my God and I, nothing I would like to share right now. I am a spiritual person as I do believe there is good in everyone. I do believe there are too many hypocrites in the organized religions of today as I don't believe in using fear to get people into heaven. With that said the offer to go to this very small church of this very same friend on Sunday was brought up with kind friendship and nothing more expected of me. The preacher was a dear friend and I really had nothing to lose, did I? Well, after the first prayer I had tears rolling down my cheeks and a dripping nose so what does that tell you? Blessing my soul and those who are no longer with us was more than my heart could take. Right place, right time? Maybe. I do know that when I am ready doors will open, people will come and situations will change in my life. I can only hope that I will be able hang on with dear life and not slam these doors offered up to me for being too afraid to feel too many things at once. If I have learned anything this year it is that life is short and it should not be wasted by fear. Happy Halloween Everyone! Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you for all your support. This grief class is structured, lessons given to learn how each of us grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and that is all I know for sure. It is nice to know what I do learn and write about might become valuable to others and that is why I find my blog such a comfort. Living life, discovering who I am without my husband is very painful but with all this support (you) just maybe one day I will be able to beathe without that 100lb. weighter on my my chest. I also need to start exploring my feelings for my mother about her passing since it happened 9 days before my husband. My heart and mind have totally shut down emotionally concerning her... I'm sure it's for my survival. Halloween is in a couple of weeks... an anniversary hump. My goal is go to 1 haunted house with a friend... it's been so hard since September. I am so used to having our yard decorated in life sized monsters by now the quiet at home is killing me. Peace to you, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Grief Class # 5 Your Loved One's Letter To You... I have been very lucky in this respect as I did not have to pretend to find words that my husband might say to me. I have my box and his box filled with cards and love letters written with passion expressing love, anguish, unsureness, you name it. I met my husband during a Halloween party and was losing my job at the time so I was forced to take a new job elsewhere. My husband and I spent our first year and a half learning about each other/dating/commuting 5 hours away from each other. Every other weekend one of us was traveling, we did this until we knew for sure the time was right for each of us as we wanted to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. So I moved back to Oregon, found another job and the rest is history. When I look back on those times, those exhausting weekends filled with the most intense emotions I could ever know or would ever feel as we filled every minute we could with the kind of love and commitment you can't always find in any other way. Someday I will read those letters again, find solace in his words, comfort in the sound of his voice as I remember it vibrating throughout my body. But not today, not yet. I found this picture I have attached for all of you to see as I was doing my assignment for grief class this week. It expresses visually what I cannot always express out loud or on paper. My husband's last letter/note to me was a request by me that he write me something I could post on my blog that reflected his viewpoint to share with family and friends. It is the most valuable letter in my box today. It is not a mushy letter, it does not say the "I love yous" that I long to hear from him today but it comes straight from his heart. I pulled it from my blog about a month ago and reworked the template but saved the letter/note. I'm glad I did... I reposted it with the picture as it gives new meaning for what we have and had together. And the picture... it expresses what I feel when I write about our lives together during our lives together, his illness and during my stage of grief now. He lost his words when the melanoma metastasized to his brain in the end 3 tumors took that gift away from me. His writing and speaking, his laughing, his way with me disappeared slowly until the man I knew was no longer. My heart will never forget but I have to believe his light will lead me forward. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Dear Debbie, Feeling alone in a room full of people can affect people for many different reasons I think. What I am experiencing is at almost 5 months in grief the people around me seem to think I should be feeling better by now... when in fact I feel more lost now than ever. I have found more support and understanding here on this discussion board than in my own family. Feeling anger? This drove me to grief classes... I am on #5 this week. I am not much of a talker but just listening to others and knowing I am not alone in a room full of grievers like myself is helping. I do have to admit to confusion and MUCH anger towards the higher power when my hope for living for my husband taken. I have no answers... I will not have them until I pass on. Nor will anyone else. We must all follow our own hearts in this. My heart lies shattered before me and each day a piece clicks back into place. My heart will never be whole again and I accept that. There will always be a hole there when all the pieces come together again. After more time the hole will form a scab and just maybe it will not be so tender. Soooo... that is my visual. I have quite a ways to go but my plan is to go forward. My husband would want me to move forward within his love in place, I feel it. Peace to you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com husband Bob, May 27th, 2011 mother, May 19th 19th, 2011

Dear Bob, Sorry you are here but welcome... The more I learn about my own Grief the more frustrated I become. I have lost all my patience with other people and it doesn't help me when I have a daily job to do. Short tempered I have become... where before I would smile and just take care of the problems. I find it overwhelming now days without my husband's daily support and advice. My Grief is a but a reflection of who I WAS before compared to who I am NOW. This affects everything I do, say and touch in my life in this recovery. Trouble is it's not other people's problems on how I react, is it? I own all of it... I have to find my way out of this darkness into life again. If I don't I will age before my time or worse be very ill. I do know if it was I who left and not my husband, I would want him to grieve for me but be DONE with it, to move on and LIVE, to FEEL ALIVE again and to smile and hear his wonderful throughout the house again. Peace to you, Deb redesigh08.blogspot.com husband Bob, May 27th, 2011 mother, May 19th, 2011

Words are subjective... we hear or feel in these words what matter most to each one of us. In my opinion there is no right or wrong here just a belief system and it gets us by in our grieving. Thank you all for your support. Some say they will never let go, some say they can't let go, some say there is no need to let go, some refuse to let go. I say by living on the physical plane/earth that I will have to let go to live again fully. I did not say that I would ever forget. There is a difference. I believe if I don't let go of what was then I won't be able to welcome a new future, another beginning. And that won't be fair to myself or anyone else on my new path that may suddenly be beside me. Oh I believe this 100%... but I did not say it was going to be easy for me to accomplish. I will not be turning my back on my husband but I will be embracing living again, I feel I have to or I will be lost forever. This letter, this goodbye letter was just my beginning. You see... I still have his clothes in my closet. I still sleep in his T-shirt. I still haven't sold his Harley. My road is long but I have a plan, I know what needs to be done. I do want to be happy again and saying goodbye to my best friend ever was my first step. Peace, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

How many different ways do we say goodbye? Writing my letter was just one more of many ways in the last 4 months that I have attempted to let go of the best thing that has ever happened me. That day in May when I came home to an empty house knowing it would be forever will be a day locked deep inside my soul. I never got to say goodbyeti my husband, or say the words I love you one final time. The pain drugs took over his pain and then he left me, no final words were spokenbetween us. Coming to terms... I have been keeping a blog for myself and family for a while now. Since my husband was diagnosed last year I have journaled about this for family and friends. I am so very grateful I now have this to go back to and read, it helps remind myself of where I've been and the love I was given. I will keep adding to it because it is now a living part of me and a witness of who I might become. Peace to you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

kayc, I am sorry you are having such a hard time of it... my company just had another "staff reduction" this week/second one this year, 4 people lost their jobs who had over 20 years in each. And they were not ready to retire yet ... It doesn't really matter what you do anymore... Your jobs are not protected by this economy. I went through this myself 3 years ago looking for work and have dodged this layoff bullet so far... we need to be looking out for each other now. One job opens and 300 applicants or more show up in Oregon... It's all in who you know, not what you know anymore. There is no luck about it here. If you live in Oregon send me your resume. I work at a newspaper (start reading them please, ha!) and I will see if anyone knows anyone if you know what I mean... (networking) That is the most I can offer. I worry about our recession, our country, families. Our government can't support everyone forever. Peace everyone, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com debrakirkrogers@ymail.com

My 3rd Grief Class this week hit on this topic very briefly... the question we have to ask ourselves " are we ready to risk, to open up our hearts again "? I had met someone new myself and in passing conversation, getting to know one another I was told this person had a bout of prostrate cancer and went radiation and chemo. I have to be VERY honest with you here, all I wanted to do was get up from the table and run for my life. I have just spent the worst year of my life losing my best friend and husband to melanoma and total fear set in. Our future holds no promises ... I realize that intellectually. I know I am not ready and yet I miss the companionship so desperately had. I miss the conversations, the lively disagreements with my husband in the most profound way. I also know my husband would want to see me happy again, this journey into widowhood is certainly lonely. I also know it will take a special person to help me cross over this threshold and begin picking up the pieces of my broken heart with love again. I must live with that HOPE. I think when each of us is ready that door will open. Peace to all, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

I knew this was going to be hard... going to Grief Class. I've been trying to shuffle all my emotions into boxes, taking them out when I could deal with them (my kind of control). It works for me to get by my world in a useful way or I probably would be licked up by now. Anger being the most driven one and useful. Soooooo... Use your imagination as I paint you a picture of what we did in class, as an artist it is how my brain holds information. I am standing in a room and above my head are many words: Anger, Hope, Longing, Lonliness, Crying, Despair, Regret, Guilt, Remorse, Depression, Isolation, Anxiety, Fear, Worry, Panic, Insecurity, Alienation, Relief... these are just a few of what I feel everyday. So it makes sense now there are days I just don't know how to explain to someone how I am doing. I am all over the place. "Time"... is the "Softening"... time will allow my heart to open again IF (risk) I allow it (control). Soooooo... picture this if you along with me... "ET, come home". Do you remember ET's "Heart Light"? His heart would light up expressing his depths of love and feeling. That is my goal, that is the picture I have placed in my head and my heart. It is my husband's gift to me. Assignment from class: (and this is when I pretty much lost it). We are to write a letter to our loved one who passed on. - me... the one who never breaks down in public did crack. Peace to all, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you everyone for participating in this subject... I can see how passionate we all become in our hearts when talking about that which affects us so deeply and that includes myself. I would like to go back to the original point and that is... "So grief is primarily the pain of resisting what is." AND my comment about CONTROL. I just want to say my interpretation of control/taking charge for me is "bringing my influence directly into my life" instead of the likes of others the best way I know how. The reason I posted... ANGER got the best of me so I am taking Grief classes... I don't want to be angry at my husband for leaving me. Thank you Marty for bringing up the subject of religion and spirituality. A very long time ago I turned my back on traditional religion because of a preacher and his fire, hell and damnation. Today I will cry when I hear the song Amazing Grace, so you see, I know I am not lost. I recognize a hypocrite with smooth words, actions do speak louder than words. Peace and light friends... may our hearts learn to sing once again. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com