HoneyImHome11

"Any thought that takes us out of THIS moment, whatever feelings and experiences THIS moment may hold, is the groundwork of our grief. The life and death issues in this Universe ultimately are beyond our control. We can be prudent, responsible, careful, and protective of our loved ones, but ultimately it is ALL beyond our control. So grief is primarily the pain of resisting what is." ~ John E. Welshons You see... the key word for me in all of this is giving up CONTROL. I live my life by being in control... always have. Why would this be any different? Be proactive, go into fight mode... don't let your enemy win at all cost. But if I had just learned that all my pain is coming now from "resisting what is" and to do this from the first day of my husband's diagnosis I would be in better shape today. But oh know... I really took control from day one, I fought right beside there right beside him learning everything I could to fight the disease that was killing him. At the same time knowing intellectually that we were up against all statistics, knowing that no matter what we/he did, the future wouldn't be changed. Which leads into ACCEPTANCE... Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

MARRIAGE When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband.... The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! Written by: Kimmies Floral Good Karma... Do Your Friends a Favor, Pass this on Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Keep your stash of poems coming our way Nats... I love what your poems have to say. I am posting this one on my Facebook page for others to read and on a cancer discussion board I still haunt. If my husband could talk to me these are the words I would want to hear from him, these are the words my heart has telling me already. Thank you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

In Loving Memory of I.M.L. By Anita Levine, Babylon, N.Y. This poem is dedicated to the widows of the world Widowhood makes you know yourself. It reacquaints you with silence and loneliness. It floods your soul with despair. It strikes unexpectedly like a flashing comet. It creates dark corridors and solitary towers. Maybe someday the anguish of bereavement will slowly dissipate. Maybe someday newly gathered pebbles will form new boulders. Maybe someday new sandcastles will drip onto new beaches. Maybe someday cherished memories will remain deeply hidden. Maybe someday the hot crucible will shape new form and meaning. Maybe someday the deep, empty well will be transformed into a fountain. Maybe someday a mother-of-pearl shimmer will be found in life’s oyster. Maybe someday sunshine will glow from within. Until then, in steadfast watchfulness, live as a dedicated observer. Be appreciative of life in all its diminutive degrees. Strive to rise up and walk among titans. Nourish and guard your body and soul. Hang on… hang on… hang on… Until a new life gets itself born. ... I found this poem while searching "widowhood" Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair. - Chinese Proverbs Thank you all for the up lifting quotes and poems... Nat, yours would be my favorite. The words have affected me deeply... Everyday I try to remind myself of how my husband lived his year of cancer, with bravery and the determination to live fully everyday. How can I do anything else in my grieving of him? In my love for him I will find a way to make peace with all of this, I will find joy in living again for that was our beginning. Peace to all of you Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Mary, Thanks... It's been a long weekend and it's only Saturday... the more I think about what's happening to me not processing grief the more I'm thinking I've been so focused with my husband that I really haven't given any time to my mom. My relationship with her was not perfect but I also had time over the years to address a few of these issues with her. She knew I loved her but that doesn't mean I was done talking about them if you know what I mean. Anyway... it will be a long road to haul and her only daughter and her first born she did know I loved her so I guess that's what's really important. I just need to start giving time and space to her in my head... it's just so much to deal with when my husband is big as life and never far away. As always thanks for listening. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

When one falls we all fall down… Sometimes it happens in families, when the most beloved of them, the strongest of them who holds us all together dies. The remaining family will despair and go their separate ways… the family bond weak, an illusion in time. Love, anger, disappointment happen but most of all separation of family in honor of the loved one, this is not what was planned for the "lost one" or even wished for. But families are only human with hearts that are now broken and trying to make sense of the painful death experience. We are each trying to go on with our lives, going forward… facing pain day by day that haunts every one of us. One by one we suffer but each one of us suffers alone. I've read that grief can take a few weeks for some people to get over their loved ones death, months for others, one year for many, several years for more. My husband, Bob died May 27th, my Mom on May 19th … I really thought I was doing good until this week. The fact is I've been really busy with just getting by and until yesterday when all my grief hit me. It is not getting better it's getting worse… I am definitely becoming overwhelmed. Friday I snapped at my boss (I wasn't aware of it, not like me at all). Fortunately she was understanding and has given me space to get my job done. But I need to get this grieving under control so I made a call to Hospice/Providence in Oregon. Hopefully I can get something going in grief counseling. Not that I like the idea of going, I don't… but something has to happen because I know Bob, my husband would not want me to be unhappy. I promised myself that I would live my grief as he died with cancer, with dignity and no fear. I made it through Bob's Life Celebration with lots of help but my life in this house was built for two not for one, this house and I need help to help run it… someone who is a carpenter, mechanic and plumber… but then that's my husband now isn't it? No replacement… Decisions to make come next spring I've decided… being very independent has come with a cost and asking for help all the time is giving me a stomach ache. I need to find me again, that strong independent woman I remember and was proud of so long ago… who could make decisions and not worry about what other people were thinking about her. This path I'm on has got to lead me somewhere that I don't feel like I'm swimming upstream all the time or none of this will make any sense to me… and it needs to make me feel alive again and not battered by what's happening around me. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Melina, Thank you for starting this thread... as today I am at a total loss right now and needed to read this. I thought I was doing well emotionally but as the pressure builds day by day I can feel the inside of me sliding inside out. To those who don't know... my husband died on this last May 27th and my mom on May 19th. What I have learned in these short months? 1. The stages of grief... denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance are all being thrown at me at once and I am traveling in and out of each stage and not finishing one but going right into the next stage and back to the first again for more. I've tried my best to keep all of them at bay just getting through the cancer journey this past year. Now my head is spinning due to my mom's death first then my husband's. I know better than to stay in depression so I go back to anger because it more comfortable there. 2. My problem... this week it carried over into my job. I snapped at my boss which is not professional and way out of character for me. It will only get worse as I see it by all of your lists that my grief can last well into a year. With the pressure of holiday deadlines coming this fall at our newspaper it's the last thing I need added on to my plate right now. 3. I do recognize this will be a problem and although I hated admitting defeat I made the call to our local hospice/hospital counseling services yesterday/Friday. They will call me back on Monday. I am not good with groups but I see that each day for me is getting worse and not better. I thought I was handling my grief but it doesn't look like it. It seems I'm finally crashing with all the added stress of finances and a home that's made for 2 and not paid for on my shoulders, so reaching out for advice will be the best decision for now. I'm not good at asking for help, I have always needed to feel independent but now finding the best way to live for me will help settle my heart in the long run and not worry about what everyone around me thinks about what I am doing or not doing. Soooooo.... not happy to read this journey may take longer than I would like but happy to know that all of you are here and willing to listen. You are walking in my shoes and as far as I am concerned your opinions are more important than my family's are right now. They do not know the ache in my chest is due to my heart lying in pieces on the floor front of me all without hope, peace and light. Thank you, Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

NATS, Thank you for making me laugh tonight... you reminded me of the time my husband decided to help me with the laundry. He forgot to take out his pen in his shirt... so, I had black all over my underwear, he had black all over his and his socks. And no... the blue shirt did not belong in the white load. I don't think he did the laundry after that unless it was towels... And dusting? Oh no... it would be like inviting a bull in a china shop, he didn't go near my fairies. We always used to laugh together because at the way he would drop everything. I lost more valuables than I can count... If I wanted to keep it I carried it. It's good to get the "Mars" perspective... I greatly appreciate it at this point. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you everyone for the reminder that not only drugs, but alcohol, prescriptions, sex, work, sleep and food can all be overdone when used as a crutch to smother our feelings of grieving or depression. Marty... I went back and read the thread "Medication, Does It Prolong The Pain"... Interesting... When my husband was diagnosed with melanoma and he went to stage 4 / brain tumor... I just happened to have a doctors appointment and mentioned the trouble we were in... hinted at the possibility of drug help for myself. He just looked at me and said if it looked like I couldn't handle it to come back in. What was worse that terminal so you think? So just how far do you have to push yourself? About 3 years ago I fell into the worst depression due to job loss I have ever experienced at the age of 54-55. My identity was so wrapped up into what I did for a living that I couldn't imagine myself doing or being anything different, I am a graphic designer. Oregon has had the worst depression/recession in it's history, the job market is terrible add my age to that and I am sunk when looking for a decent wage. It was the darkest time for me and I have lots of family history to know that if I self medicate I only had to look into my family tree. I had to crawl my way out of this one... find a way to believe in myself again. I went back to school, started classes until I received that call for another job. I guess my point to all of this is if I was not clear headed I would not have been ready for that job. I would not have been strong and alert. I needed to find a way to believe in myself again because nobody was going to do it for me. This grieving business... I look at it in the same way. My hurt is different than the sister's, daughter's, father's, friend. My husband, best friend, soul mate, life companion, dream builder is gone forever. My life here in my home was built for 2 ... not 1. I think in 2's not 1... when I cook, I cook for 2, not for 1. I did not have a single life here. My point here is yes, this is another dark time in my life and I would like to take cover and hide from all feeling that is exposed. There are days it is unbearable. So like before what can I do to recover? If I medicate myself will I recognize happiness again when I see it come for me? I am not saying anti depressants are all bad... I am just thinking out loud here. This is just my opinion, my thoughts. There are lots of people who have been helped, I know. But I also know first hand the damage that comes from drug, etc. overuse because of my mother's attempt at suicide at the age of 36 and her search for help. We all have stories... Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Well... it seems I do better when I get angry. I met my husband after struggling and raising my daughter, finding myself. I got married the first time at 18... divorced 16 years later with a 4 year old, never on my own before. Now after my husband beats down my defensive system during our 14 years together... Ok, I admit it... love had something to do with it, I am forced to relearn my independence skills all over again. I know it's in there... somewhere... Maybe I just have to get angry again. I feel bad because it's not his fault he died... but that stupid mower didn't have to crap out on me right after did it? AND the truck, AND my car... AND the plumbing... you get my drift. I see a pattern that caregivers get sick after their loved ones pass on... you think there is something to this? Maybe we give and give and give until we and our surroundings just cave in? The energy around us just zaps and zaps until all goes haywire? Just a thought. Well, now I'm working up to my mad. I am soooooo tired of asking for help these days, please do this for me cause it's too heavy ( like rolling the darn rocks all over the yard) or please can you help me figure this out ( like the week wacker is taller that I am!) I've never done this before. Darn it anyway and most of the stress is homeowner stress. I think I need one of those "handymans" for rent if I could afford one. Then I wouldn't feel so obligated to family or friends/neighbors... kiss my you know what. And... I do like the idea of riding the lawn mower down to the local shop... explain why to your local sherrif Carol, the tears seem to always be on the verge of coming to the surface in my eyes... I don't know about you, he's bound to fall for them real quick. Anyway that's my rant for the night. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Dear Carol, I know exactly how you feel, boy did I have a long list of "honey-dos" for my husband... he was always telling me I needed to prioritize his list cause I kept adding to it. At least he kept his sense of humor with me. He was my carpenter, my mechanic, my plumber, and my adviser. Although on some of these jobs I was his gofer... I didn't always pay attention on how things got done I'm sorry to say now. I've picked up some basics but the technical stuff I am at a loss. It seems though as soon as my husband passed, his truck gives out. OK... this Toyota has 257,000 miles on it, he babied it I admit... that truck wouldn't have made it this long if he didn't. The electrical has a short in it, the radio won't play. The oil needs changed, the transmission oil is black. My husband's attention the last few of months of his life was his Harley. Now I have to find a mechanic. That's 14 years here living with my own mechanic... thank you very much. Then my car's power steering gets bad... then it's the lawn mower. Then summer finally comes to Oregon and the sprinkler system has leaks. And just where is my plumber anyway? AND I am blessed with "girls"... and their "silly" boyfriends. So it's the neighbor, a friend and my broken spirit, a brand new mower, less leaks in the watering system and a new found mechanic in town. Breathe... Good days... Bad days. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Dear Kay, So sorry to hear about all the medical snafus... I think that's why there is a rule about not giving results over the phone? But that's neither here or there now? If surgery is what it takes then do it and get it done and over with, huh? You can't heal until then... ouch. Sending positive light your way. And dealing with the employment office sucks no matter what time of day it is. Were you working that far away before? Is that why they are sending you now for a part time job? 80 miles seems pretty far to me but Oregon (where I live) has been in double digits in the last 2 years so maybe the rules are getting tougher these days? Maybe it's the moon? Just saying... Hope all get's better with you. Take one baby step at a time. I know easy for me to say, huh? I'm in my own mess. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you Becky, I think you are right... I was thinking I could fit these pieces of my heart in the very same place they belonged but it's not working out that way so far. I cleaned out my closet but my husband's clothes just went downstairs into another closet. I couldn't let them go very far. A friend wanted his jeans to make Christmas gifts for his daughter and I just couldn't do it yet. Maybe next spring I told her. I feel bad but I'm just not ready. I thought I did good just getting them downstairs... hope she understands. My daughter and her boyfriend are staying with me in my house. My daughter has helped me tremendously but the tension has been building... I don't like the boyfriend very much (personality). I have tried to keep an open mind and be nice but when someone thinks they know everything it just doesn't set well after time. I know my husband wouldn't not listen to it. My husband's 2 daughters have not called me or come over to the house for over a month. The oldest with grandchildren is 30, she used to come over at least every week or 2 weeks... I finally send her a card, told her I was thinking of her (olive branch). It seems not only did I lose my husband but my world is changing all over the place. Our house isn't paid for so I'm thinking of selling... I can't afford to pay out what I don't make by myself. Pay rent but don't get anything back from that? What to do... I won't turn 59 until after next January... 401K is taxed too greatly to be of any help until then if the government doesn't ruin us until then. So... my pieces will go back slowly but probably not the same. It won't feel good I'm certain of it. My life will not look the same that's for sure. And who chooses to stay in it will be their choice. I need to look after me, I have to find a healthy life again. One that is cancer free, one that is full of light and love. Thank you all for listening. Peace to you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

kayc, You have been very honest and open with your relationships posted here. I have to wonder just how did you give your heart away after being broken one after another? Trust would definitely be an issue I would think? I know I have my own "issues"... without going into a lot of details here, I have a small story I would like to share with you. I found my husband's journals after he passed since I was going through some boxes. A couple of them dated back to when we met, he called me "his Ice Princess". Really... it surprised me, but then I have to realize it was his perspective remember. I also had a couple of bad relationships before meeting him. Sooooo, I was very reserved, very "off limits" so to speak. But then he was very interested... kept at me. We were married 9 years, lived together for 12 years, knew each other for 14 years. At the fine age of 58 my life is not over, my husband would want to see me happy again. Trust someone ever again? Not so sure I will be able to do that either. Love again? I would hope so, but I can't imagine it right now. Will I be ready in a year? Maybe if this heart of mine is not in so many pieces... I do know I want to be happy again. My husband would want me to be happy again. We talked about living life too many times for me not to know better, deep down it would be silly to deny what he believed in. But, the grief is so tender now. Thank you for being so open. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Melina, My heart goes out to you... I sit here trying to imagine myself getting to that much time. My husband passed May 27th, it must be really tough when the first anniversary comes? Each month around the 27th I can't help myself but think of saying our goodbyes at the hospital... that last week was just awful for our family. I am 58 now. I was 10 years single when I met my husband, we have been married 9 years, together 12 years. My daughter (28) and her boyfriend have moved in with me so I am not alone in my house which I do appreciate right now. Our house is not paid for so the extra money is helping me and it is helping them. I am hoping this is temporary as it is not healthy for us as we are all used to our own living quarters. But I am very grateful for the company as I would not know what I would do with myself right now if I was absolutely alone at night with myself... with my thoughts... with my grief. I do know I have to deal with my grief, I do want to be happy again. My husband was a great role model for me. We talked a lot of many problems when it came to work situations and he was great at giving me advise. He managed a shop and worked in one place for 30 years... who does that now days? Managing people gives a person experience, he helped me with insight into my job and the people I have to work with. I miss his feed back and his being my sounding board. I guess what I am saying is I could spend the rest of my life grieving over my loss and give up. But my husband would never forgive me... that was not in his plan, he did not live his life that way. Should I? I'm not sure what all I have to do to work through my mess but I have to find myself again, I have to find my happy place again. I don't even know how to go about it yet but I guess that's how I found myself here... Don't give up on life... don't get bitter. Surround yourself with light and know that when you try the right people walk into your life at the right moment. Peace to you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Dear Pam, What a roller coaster you are riding on... what joy you must be feeling... a new grand baby! What a mixed blessing and yet at the same time you have lost the most important person in your life! I am so sorry that you had to join this group but as I found myself drawn here I am glad you are here also. I hope you find the help you need as I have also reached out and been given support here as I have never in my life experienced this kind of whirlwind of emotions. My husband died of melanoma on May 27th 2011, a brain tumor that hemorrhaged. I understand the kind of pain your husband was experiencing as my husband was also experiencing in his head. It is one thing to say their pain is now over but to say they are in a better place? No, their place is beside us, always. Our friends and families do not know what they are saying in these times... our hearts are breaking and all we know is that we want them here beside us forever. Like you, I experienced not one loss but two close together... I lost my mother to bone cancer 9 days before my husband. A person has to wonder just how much one heart can take at one time? It will be a long time before I can truly laugh and mean it. My husband lived with grace and no regrets, I try everyday to live my life now in the very same way that my husband died. I can't say he was a perfect man... but I am not a perfect wife, I am only human. I find grief a lonely path. As everyone around me seems to go back to their normal lives I am left to pick up pieces of my broken heart. My life is shattered now, my dreams laid to rest. But love led me to my husband and I can only hope I find joy again, enough to keep going forward with my life because to stay in one place will not heal me. Be good to yourself, be patient. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

5 hours in my car, listening to Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd headed home for my 40th reunion. Tears running down my face thinking about my husband, thinking about my mom... seeing classmates I grew up with from kindergarten. A very emotional weekend... first time home without my mom and her sassy attitude there to greet me. Here I am 58 and an "orphan", no mother, no father... silly, huh? I really thought it was silly... but I don't think it matters how old you are when both parents are finally gone, do you? You are alone and that's all that matters, there is no feeling like it. On top of that I just lost my husband and I don't have him to talk it over with. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself all said and done. And the Music! Sends one back in time to a place where magic happens so my heart was bouncing from place to place. My husband and grew up in the same time period but we were not together. We compared stories certainly... but grew up in totally different states and backgrounds. BUT... the music was the same! My home is no longer the same place so long ago or I am not the same person when I was young. The same changes are now happening in my present life... my home today is not the same as it was just a few months ago, I am not the same. I am expected to keep up with these changes, to bend and not break. Acceptance... Coming home to an empty house was not easy. Life will go on with me or without me. Will I participate in it or not? Will I shut down completely or will I take care of myself and feel alive again? My reflection in the mirror these days is a sad one. My husband supported me in all decisions that I made, how can I not honor that now? Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

I received an email from a friend that said... "We will never forget Bob and all the things we used to do together as kids and grown ups and we will grieve along with you but keeping his memories in your heart you will put together those jagged edges. If it gets too sharp on those edges I am sure Bob would have a piece of sand paper to smooth it out. Just ask him, I am sure he is listening and watching over you." Unconditional love... it's a rare gift if ever given in our lives. It's rarely a perfect love, and we sometimes take it for granted. One heart piece fell into place today. It wasn't easy, it hurt a lot. Because of a friend's reminder that my husband is watching out for me, with love and I will grow into this new life of mine one day at a time tears and all. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Hey there... My trip home for the reunion was an emotional ride, the drive back took 5 hours and was long enough to think about family and leave tracks of tears now and again. This was the first time back since the loss of my mom in May so it brought back lots of memories as you would expect. My mother passed from lung cancer at the age of 78... I think it will be a while before I venture back again. Too much to deal with... childhood friends and death... sucks. Still trying to wrap up paperwork at my home with the husband's insurance, medical bills, house, etc. Trying not to panic yet, trying to breath and go with the flow. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

pjm... I am so sorry, it's not enough that we have to deal with our broken hearts but our lives start to become unmanageable. Just how do we keep our heads above it all and breath? Please take care of yourself, your health above all else. I am constantly reminding myself that my husband would not want my life to suffer after his death. What would be the point? The cancer did enough damage to his life, it should not take over my life after his death should it? I can just hear him now, "get over yourself"... Sometimes anger moves people... sometimes it's enough to get us moving in a direction in life that makes sense again. We couldn't save our loved ones but we can save ourselves, we can make our lives count for something once again. You will heal, one day at a time, one heart beat, one breath, one conversation, one email at a time. You are not alone here as I can say my life has completely changed also. Our hearts will mend in time... Peace to you. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

You would think at my age I would be used to a broken heart or two. I could not reach 58 without having a disappointment or two by now… Remember that first boyfriend or breakup? How about the heart stopping disappointment of your first car wreck? Life on a farm can be very educating, so I learned early about a tragedy or two… I will never forget the gut wrenching sound of my dog being ran over before my very eyes. Let's see… I have gone through a divorce and I know it can be a quite a heart dis-solver. Or even death… my dad died in 1996, my mother 9 days before my husband. So what does it feel like when your heart is broken and you can't catch your breath? Do we really get over it or do we grow through it? I don't have the answers I just know that today it is very uncomfortable this time around. This broken heart of mine is not where it is supposed to be, it is laying in pieces exposed for all to see and it's like no other time in my life. The pieces are sharp and jagged and when I try to put them back where they belong the pain cuts deep which reminds me that my heart is still looking for the "glue" that holds itself together. This "glue" I'm talking about is the love that Bob and I shared. It is the partnership and future that I have come to depend on and it now lays scattered before me in pieces as Bob and my heart still feel as one. Today as I am grieving I reach out tenderly for a piece of my heart. I try to place it back in the spot where it belongs but there is not enough "glue" to hold it in place. The jagged piece of my heart cuts deep with loss and sends an overwhelming cry throughout my body and it looks for the rest of the pieces that lay broken on the floor in front of me. It's an exhausting game we play, my broken heart and I. I wonder how long it will take to quiet my grief, so we can begin to slowly fit each piece back together where they belong. I need to start to feel whole once again and not in pieces. Bob was such a great role model for me and I try to keep him in mind in all my decisions now. He did not whine about what was handed to him during his cancer. He did not feel sorry for himself, not one bit. We had our moments together, don't get me wrong but we got over them together. "He told me just to pick ourselves up and put our boots back on." Bob lived that way, in everything he did personally and professionally. I think this is what I miss the most right now because of the uncertainty in my life without him. I try to keep his strength of character and love as a guide all around me, I just need to relax… and get my heart pieces back together again. Peace to all. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

To kayc and Dwayne ... I have to wonder whether one has the luxury of saying "goodbye" to their loved one is in our favor? I lived for one year in fear... Having melanoma is like living with a monster under your bed at all times. This invades everything you do. My husband's cancer metastasized to his brain and it affected his speech and thinking skills in the end... I lost the man I knew and loved before he actually died and it was a slow and painful process to watch and be a part of. A husband who worked with his hands, rebuildindind our home, loved to ride his Harley and he couldn't tell me the words that he loved me in the end because of this d*mn cancer. There is no winner here quick or slow... They are gone. Deb redesign08.blogspot.com

Thank you all for replying... joining groups is not my thing. I have learned that I am better here than being in a place where people don't want to be helped.... enough said. My hand was guided by something to join here so I can only try to sift through my grief the best I can with what you give me. I did not have the time to go through "hospice care" with my husband but my experience as caregiver will surely qualify me as someone who has "earned" the right to be here. I will read your stories. I will honor your pain. I will give my heart back to you in the hope that I may learn to get through my mess and begin to enjoy life again. It is because I know my husband would want me to, I know his heart well enough to know he would not want to see me hurting any longer without him here to help me get on with my life. So...... Friday I travel back home for the first time since my mother died in May. I celebrate my 40th high school reunion... I wasn't going to go until a friend called to remind me of our plans a year ago last summer. My husband was supposed to come home with me, we made these plans to go together. Mixed emotions... hesitation, sadness and excitement, some of these people I grew up with from kindergarten and haven't seen since 1971. Going home will have a different meaning now. Peace to all. Deb

"Feeling the pain follows accepting the loss. Trying to avoid pain is natural, but only prolongs the process. You may try to cut off your feelings, to keep yourself too busy to feel or think, or to dwell only on pleasant memories. The pain will eventually appear in another form, such as depression or illness. Feeling the pain may be the hardest part of grieving, so receiving help and support from others is essential. Remember, pain is a necessary part of healing." I just read this and thought I would share it with you/others... I'm new at this level of grief (husband dying, and 9 days earlier my mother died of lung cancer) so any information is good information for me to hear. My husband passed on May 27th, I've been counting days since he was diagnosed with melanoma last year on Father's Day. I hope to one day get tired of counting days... it has not only affected my happy memories I allowed it to affect the time I had left with him. So... "Feeling the pain follow accepting the loss"... well after getting through the death of the two people I have shared my most private thoughts with I now feel very much alone on this earth. Yes... I am old enough to stand up on my own two feet, wise to know life goes on, know that my husband would not want me to linger in sadness for very long, nor would my mother. Strength got me through a tough year, a very rough road of cancer and so on... now I fall into the downhill slide of facing my own feelings? Ya, right. What's this? One huge cold sore on my lip which I haven't had for years... ready or not those feelings are coming my way. Trying to avoid pain? What do I do? I used to drink more... I get Migraines really bad so that won't work for me now. Food is a good substitute but when you are only 5 feet that is pretty silly because pretty soon you become wider than you are tall. I like to read... which is good because maybe I will read something useful on grief... OK... Gothic novels don't make you cry... I have a glass mosaic project I need to finish... I think my husband would really appreciate it and be proud that I got it off the table finally. Feeling good again? Really good in the heart sense? How do you begin the process? How do you start to enjoy life again? REACHING OUT. Deb - May 27th, 2011 redesign08.blogspot.com