Jester

Checking on her is good, lets her know she has someone there when she's ready to come out. You can also send her messages to her cel phone or emails:) Good luck.

The fact that you posted here tells me you do feel a lot for this girl. There are many articles in the lastest news section that might help you understand. When something like this happens to other people, one can only imagine what they are going through, and I have learnt that imagination may not be so infinite after all, because I fell short on my imaginings. What she is going through is an emotional blow so huge that it is shaking every conceivable aspect of her life. And when in the denial stage, more and more things pop up, for example, we know that person is lost, but we never think about father's day and how hard it will be until father's day is here. This first year is full of "first times": The first father's day without him, first birthday without him, first Christmas without him, etc. etc. etc., it is adjusting time. One needs time to adjust to 1) the absence, 2) the many things we are not going to do with that person ever again, 3) in some cases where people depended on the person gone, somethings change drastically, like dropping out of school to get a job to help with money issues, etc. I don't know what the case is with your GF, but she does need time to 1) understand her loss, 2) cry her loss, 3) accept her loss. It is a process that consist of many stages, and I assure you, if you don't quite understand what is going through her head, neither does she at this time. Time, patience... Do read a bit on those articles I told you about, it gives you a little insight on the bereaved person's experience. Good luck.

The good side of this is you have a precious grandaughter that will never replace your daughter, but that will earn a very special place in your heart, and while she lives, your daughter is alive through her, Emma was a product of love, and in time, when you are able to cope with this and look beyond this tragedy, I am sure you will see your daughter's love in Emma's eyes. I wish the best for you. Strength and courage.

I don't know what to say, I lost my mom to cancer 2 months ago, and I am detaching myself from my BF. He's kind of loosing patience, but to be honest, I don't feel like sex, making out, I am grossed out by physical contact right now, and most of the time I just feel like being alone, or in silence. I don't think it is a personal issue against you, if you pay attention, she's probably detaching herself from many people, you just have to be patient, this will take some time to heal, and although you might want to fix things and make her feel better, you can't fix this. She probably needs time and space, and a way of supporting someone is knowing what that person wants, wether it is an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a quiet company or solitude. She will be fine eventually. The truth is there is no book on how to grieve, and what works for some people won't work for others. Just be patient, caring, pay attention to her needs, and I would add, recommend this site to her, it might help her as it is helping so many of us.

TWhittle: I don't know if my words will be of any help, since I haven't lost a child at that age. I did loose a child due to a miscarriage, and a lot of people thought I was making a big deal out of it because I didn't get to meet my child, know my child in the sense of listening to his or her voice (I didn't even know the gender, as it was to soon to tell), nor did I get to carry my baby in my arms. I don't think I was making a big deal out of it, the connection was so intense loosing my baby tore me to pieces. I remember it was bad from the beginning, like I skipped the denial stage and took in my reality to soon. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, because you did have 22 years of joyful experiences with your daughter and I can only say I am truly sorry for your loss. I am now dealing with my mother's passing, and I know what you mean when you say it doesn't seem real. It's called the denial stage, which doesn't mean you walk around saying "no, that didn't happen, you're crazy". Denial stage is more like a protection stage. Your reason knows that it did happen, but your emotional you is too much in shock to accept it. It's not that you refuse to realize what is going on, it's more like you CAN'T realize what is going on. The grieving process consists of many stages, anger, despair, depression, resignation, not everyone goes through all the stages or in the same order, but those feelings are natural, and too intense. If we were to take all the feelings at once, we wouldn't be able to survive the blow, therefore our mind says "this is just too much, one thing at a time" and that's what the denial stage does. It prepares you, lets you gather strength to endure those emotions one by one when you are ready. You are going through a very natural phase, and what is to come will come, in due time. Don't push yourself, don't put any pressure, and above all, don't let anyone tell you what or how you should feel, your grieving is your own, and only you can dictate how long it will last. Good luck, and try this website when you feel you can't cope with your grief, I can assure you in this place you'll find people willing to lend a hand, you won't make anyone uncomfortable, nor will anyone avoid the topic. Hugs

Penny: I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this must be. I can´t say anything that will make you feel better, just know that you are in my prayers.

Maylissa, thank you very much, your words brought tears to my eyes, but not the grieving tears, your words are beautiful. How could I not write about Arthur? He was quite a character, his sheenanigans were well known. When my mother used to visit my grandmother at the nursing home, all the people there were expecting new stories from Arthur He was not very charismatic, but he was a good cat. In any case, the worst of evils, I am glad they are not alone. Thank you so much, good luck. Hugs

A lot of people say it's too soon, or it's been a long time, you should be past it. But I have failed to find the book with the rules on grieving, which specifies the time span required. They say it usually takes 8-12 months, but no grief is the same, not even with people who lost a common person. I don't grieve the same as my siblings, because the relationship with my mom was different for everyone, and the relationship with the person gone, and the circumstances that surround their passing, their last days, etc., every one of those details makes a huge difference on everyone's grieving. I don't have suggestions or answers, it's been only 2 months for me, all I can say is one day at a time. Just try to get though today, tomorrow you worry about tomorrow. Don't put more pressure on yourself.

Shell: Thank you very much for your kind words. This place has become a haven, the hope on the bottom of Pandora's box. I come here everynight. I don't always post, I don't always have the will to do it, but the articles posted by Marty and the comforting messages everyone gives, the support here is a blessing, and I'll never be thankful enough to the people who opened this site, and the ones who keep it alive, always ready to lend a hand to others who may feel a bit more lost. I hope I'll eventually be one of the ones having a little bit more strength to loan my shoulder to someone. Good luck. Hugs Jester

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm sort of new to this site, don't know most of you well enough, and I'm also new to the grieving experience, but I want to share what little I know. I realize this topic is not very new, but I hope people still come back here, and maybe later on it may help some people in the future. Shell mentioned she hasn't (or at least to that date) experienced any visitation from her father, maybe this was because only certain people get visitations. I am truly convinced every human being has more than 5 senses, and looking back in time, almost every ancient civilization seemed to have ways of understanding that have apparently been lost in time. TV, usual everyday rush, videogames, cel phones, internet, we have many things that make everyday life easier. We don't have to carry buckets of water home, or hunt our food, make our own shoes, small things we take for granted were not available at those times, and I think we are becoming lazy in many ways, or more like our time is spent on other things. I feel with "evolution" we have switched off our sensors and we live in a materialistic world 100%, the one we can see, hear, touch... But as someone pointed out, for us to have these metaphysical experiences, we need to believe in order to see. I started a course on meditation in an attempt to get some sleep, and my tutor was explaining there are different states of conscience (excuse me if I am mistaking some words or am not making myself clear, english is not my first language), one is called Beta, one is Delta, and can't remember the names of the other ones. But there is one state called "Tetha" (once again, excuse me if the translation of the names is wrong or innacurate, corrections are accepted), and in this state, you are awake, but sort of in a dreamish way. You are not sleeping, but you are not entirely "awake" (or half asleep)due to the fact that you are putting aside things that tie you down to your everyday life reality (stress due to traffic, work issues, or worries about what time it is, what I'm cooking for dinner tonight, etc.) In Tetha state you are able to see things you wouldn't when you are truly "awake" (using the word awake in the sense of being 100% aware of our materialistic environment). I don't know if anyone here has experienced this, when you are doing a repetitive task, one that does not require your full attention, you start wandering off, or what some people call "day dreaming". Maybe then you may have percieved like you saw something out of the corner of your eye, like a shadow or something moving very fast. This is very close to being into Thetha state, but when you think you see something, the first thing you do is you turn quickly to see what caught your attention, and while turning you "wake" up and leave that Tetha like state, making your usual 5 senses unaware of what is to see through other senses. Then you think you saw nothing and you start disbelieving these visitations. Just as when you loose something and you desperately seek it, you usually find things whenever you stop looking for them. It works the same way, you'll start percieving or feeling these visitations once you stop expecting them. The dead cannot comunicate with us in ways we are used to, like a verbal conversation in a cafe or the phone. So they search for other ways to comunicate with us, and their way of doing it may be beyond our imagination. Pay attention to little details, maybe you are expecting a loved one to appear in front of us and say "I love you". Maybe we won't hear those words, but finding someone has moved your things, or if your radio comes on in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, that is a loved one trying to catch your attention, trying to say "hey, I'm here". Good luck to everyone.

I'm opening this space in honor of Arthur, the most loyal companion I have ever seen. Arthur was my mother's cat. He was grumpy and bitter and didn't like to play or be pet. But he was so devoted to my mother we were worried as to how my mother would take it if Arthur were to leave before her, but we were mostly scared of what would happen to Arthur if my mother left before him, we could clearly imagine him hanging himself or jumping off a cliff. Arthur passed away on April 17th. My mother had cancer at the time, and I was so upset with Arthur's parting because I thought this would be the depression that would kill my mother. She never found out, she left 2 days later. He was a perfectly healthy cat, only 4 years old. The night before he left, I struggled to keep him inside the room, and told him "I know you are confused, take good care of her" and he calmed down and slept with me all night long. How was I to know he left 1 1/2 days later just to prepare her welcome to the other world? Of course since my mother died, no one is paying much attention to the passing of a cat, but he is worthy of mentioning, as never have I seen loyalty of this kind.

Hi: I found this site looking for something else. I thought I was doing great with my grieving, and just wanted to know if it is normal to have a complete and total lack of sexual appetite and even physical contact of any sort, and then I stumbled into this site that seems wonderful, so many caring people, and after reading a few posts, I discovered I am not doing great with my grieving. Mainly because there barely is any grieving. So I think I'll vent here since no one seems to want to talk about this subject anymore. I am 29, the 5th in a family of 7 kids, the youngest of the girls. I always had a very special connection with my mom. We were together when our family fell apart. She moved to the US, and her parting was so sudden (she announced one day she was leaving, as she had done for 2 years and one day I came back from school and she was not there anymore) it broke me in half. I was angry at her mainly because we didn't get to say a proper farewell, and she would call often and send letters and emails, and I was barely responsive to her approaches. It was 2 years after she left that she came to visit and knowing she was only here for a short time that I understood she was leaving and we got to say goodbye and things were a lot better between us. After many personal issues with my dad, things just got out of hand and I moved in with my mom in 2002, and although her appartment was so small and it only had one bedroom and one bed, our relationship was so amazing we never had space issues, it was a great time for both of us (she was not alone anymore and I finally became independent) and I even managed to convince her to go back to Mexico since she fell so much in love with this country, and she did on Dec. 2004. She moved in with my oldest sister and her family in a town about 1 hour away from where I live, and I used to visit her very often. My mom was diagnosed with cancer on March 9, 2006. This lung cancer, the doctors said was entirely curable and with some chemo and radiations and surgery, they were hoping to take the tumor out, and we were supposed to take a trip to Italy this Christmas. It was such a shock to loose her 40 days after. She looked so frail when she left, she had lost so much weight it was shocking. But I can't understand how a doctor can tell you everything will be fine, one month later say the chemo made the cancer spread and there's nothing else to do, that she'll live another 6-12 months, and then visit her one sunday, a week later after the doctor's bad news, listen to her saying "I'm feeling better, I'll be fine for our trip to Italy" and loose her next wednesday, my sister saying on sunday she was having hallucinations, I saw her fine on sunday. I am thankful I had the chance to go live with her, I was the only one out of her 7 children to accept her invitation, and I am glad I did because I could never cope with the guilt if she had left in Oklahoma all alone... I am glad I gave her good moments, and now I know she came back to Mexico to spend her last months with the rest of her children and grandchildren. But I am so damn angry because I was dealing with the idea of my mother being ill I never had time to prepare for this. I know one is never truly prepared, but I was caught completely offguard. What happened to those 6-12 months? I feel ripped off. Everyone says it was better because it was fast and she didn't suffer much, but no, it would have been better if she didn't have cancer in the first place, and yes, she did suffer. I am angry because my whole family built walls around themselves and no one wants to talk about her. I am angry because my friends don't even ask how am I doing. I know they don't have a clue as to how to deal with this and they don't want to remind me (as if I needed to be reminded that I lost my mother 2 months ago). I am angry my boyfriend is putting so much pressure on us recovering the life we used to have, and him saying he also needs comfort (he knew her for a couple of months and it angers me that he wants to put his grief at the same level as mine). I am so angry she was so depressed her last years and so dissapointed her last days. But even though I am angry and shocked, it only comes sometimes at night when I am alone. The rest of the time I seem to be ok, thinking about work, the world cup, tv, etc. It seems hard for me to express myself. I sort of need someone to ask me, to open the door so I can trust that the person asking is ready to listen to what I have to say. I thought I was going through the depression phase, but I guess I am still in denial as I can't even say the word "died", I keep saying "left". It feels good to type this, to let it out of my system, I feel better already. Good luck to you all.

Hi, Haley: I know I can't type anything that will make you feel better instantly like magic, nor can I type anything that you haven't heard before, like time will make things better, you gotta be strong, etc. I lost my mom on April 19th, and I have spent a lot of time looking for answers I need, and after many long hours I found this website, and it made me feel a bit better instantly knowing this is a place where you can type and no one will avoid or change the subject because people here want to discuss this, otherwise they would go to another website. It helps to know there are people you can talk to, and it also helps knowing that if so many people are struggling and surviving their losses, then why wouldn't you? Be strong, and good luck with your grief, I hope it lasts not a minute more than what is needed.