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snap

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  • Date of Death
    November 2010
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    United Kingdom

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    Female
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    UK

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  1. I've been the reverse situation to you, my father died and my ex left me shortly after. However I've felt what you're feeling and my ex treated me in a similar way your ex is treating you. I'll put it bluntly. He's keeping you on a string, cos he knows that you know that you've "always" been together, that you don't want to give up because you are a strong person and you accept his flaws, that you think you should be bending more for his needs because of his circumstances (I thought I should bend more for my ex because it was me who was messed up with grief). I didn't want to let go, I wanted a happy ever after future, but life changes, people change and we must learn to accept when it is time to move on. My final straw was last November when he had cancelled, gone cold, strung me along then insulted me me the last time. I knew I was worth 10 of him and he was a weak person for being so disrespectful and inconsiderate towards me. I told him straight I wanted to hear nothing more from him, he'd hurt/ confused me more than was necessary, he'd messed me about prolonged my grief over my dad and I was not putting my life on hold for someone who doesn't seem to have a clue who or what he wants, and let me move on and live my life. I feel angry with myself today that I let him make me feel that way. I felt I could no longer trust this guy and it became clear I couldn't put my life and future on hold for the "chance" he would see the light and come running back. He wasn't worth that sacrifice. I got strong, I went NC, I was a mess with grief from my dad, losing my boyfriend and who I thought was my best friend but slowly it has got better. After 3 months not hearing from him I am definitely living MY life. I'm doing things I want to do and I have unbelievable strength and confidence in my decisions and what I accept and will not accept from people. I find it amazing how I found out the other day he is seeing someone new, I was a bit angry and hurt but then I just laughed, laughed because he told me "he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone" 3 months ago, I just think he doesn't know who he is or what he wants, and he probably feels he needs someone there because he's always had someone there and he doesn't want to be alone. Every time I think of how it all ended I tell myself how much better off I am now, and that it has definitely been his loss. I know it feels like your life is crumbling and its out of your control, but please take control and do not contact him. It is only toxic and will prolong your healing. Take up a new hobby or skill and stick at it and things become clearer, less painful and you will move on. And if you feel that horrible pain that you can't live without hearing from him, please come on here and type away, or write in a journal, because you don't deserve to be knocked back down in the gutter, you are stronger than that and are worth more than being on his string. Hugs to you x
  2. Sorry to butt in on this thread. Yes I'm young and feel it but at the same time feel very old with what has been dumped at my feet. I feel very vulnerable. I think the main thing i'm having trouble coping with is the break up of my ex-boyfriend of 6 years. I feel really angry at myself for constantly thinking of him. Surely I should be thinking of my dad and family... but i'm obsessed with my ex. I feel like I could hear anything about him sleeping around and things and i'd just be like "bring it on... deal me some more rubbish!!" i feel like i've been to the very bottom, surely i can't go further....
  3. I know exactly how this feels. My dad passed away just over a year ago, he had many brothers and sisters who lived close by, me and my mum can count on 1 hand how many times they've visited. They all seemed to take his death so personally because he was a father figure to them all as he was the eldest, but I was only 22 when he passed and all I feel is alone with everything. What makes it more maddening is that my dad spoke with 2 of my uncles on his death bed on how they were to support me all they could with my small holding. They've built 1 wall for me and just had there sheep grazing and visit when they feel like, as if it's their land. Walls are falling down left right and centre, I'm having trouble maintaining all the tractors, trailers and other machinery and just feel so so mad at how helpless I am, I'm a young female who does not have the physical strength to do this manual labour, I have asked and asked but nothing comes of it... and even more frustratingly you get the "If there's anything I can do, All you need to do is ask" I DO ASK AND NOTHING HAPPENS! So I have taken it upon myself to organise renting it out, I mentally and physically can't do it anymore. It just adds insult to injury. I just don't think they know how it really feels and how much your world changes. They're just insensitive to it all, ignorance is bliss hey? Sorry I wish I could say it gets better but since my dads death things have only got worse. I know now the only people I can really trust and who will help me through and visa versa are my mum and brother, but have lost many acquaintances and my long term boyfriend who walked on me just months after the death.
  4. Last week would have been my fathers birthday. I was feeling down and it is a year since he passed away very soon. I had a text from my ex saying he was thinking of us all and my dad. He also wanted to meet up. I was a bit distant, but I thought I could really do with a hug and he was with me this time last year surely he couldn't forget all that. So we arranged a date to just go for a quiet walk. The day came, I left him to organise it. I foolishly looked forward to it thinking it would help me through the next few weeks. He rung up early afternoon, his gran was in hospital and he had to take his grandad on but he'd be back soon so we could go. I left it, of course I understand how important family is. But time ticked on and he wasn't appearing. He suggested nipping to mine for a cup of tea on the way back, i said no i wasn't comfortable with him coming round to my house and in my space, we needed to meet somewhere neutral. Anyway he said maybe another time. I wanted a clear answer from him but said ok, but I need to clear things up with you face to face. No reply. I foolishly rung him that night. He spoke to me for a while, it felt good cos it was like we used to be, but then he just said he didn't want a relationship and wanted his freedom but he loved him and cared about what I was doing. Mixed signals! So I said if he cared he would make the effort to spend 30 mins to both tell each other clearly face to face what we felt and be serious about tying lose ends and moving on. No commitment to meeting. I text him the following day, saying sorry for the late phone call. He proceeded to say he was with his grandad all day he was his top priority. HE said he would be with him 12-5, i suggested he meets me after dinner. He got really argumentative with me saying he can't commit and circumstances change and i haven't changed at all its either my way or no way! That hurt me so much so I text him saying "I'm sorry" and i've left it. I just wanted an answer, I wanted him to take the time to tell me straight what is going on. I feel like I'm nothing to him. I feel so much regret for letting him be with me and my family at the vulnerable time when we lost my dad.... why did i let him be in the same room as my dad when he was dying! I know more than most people our age how important looking after family is, especially when they are in hospital care. I wasn't asking him to drop his grandad, I feel so bad but i shouldn't! I feel angry i've let him back in and he's hurt me again, and now we've ended on bad terms. I feel like saying to him, one day you will know how hopeless I feel. I know we are over. But i just wanted him to give me the respect I deserve and let me have that face to face "its over" instead of the odd text messages and kind words. He doesn't know what he wants and i feel i'm trying to deal with enough with the anniversary of my dads death, never mind his mixed signals. I know I must be strong and leave the contact now. I need to be myself and work through things alone. I just feel bad I can't a message and say goodbye and I feel so desperately that we shouldn't leave on bad terms after what we've been through. He's made it impossible for me. But I just no that a message won't mean anything to him, I think he's beyond listening to me. So sad but I hope one day he realises what he has done. Because it is a fact of life everyone dies in this world. He's lucky he's never lost anyone close to him. Sorry I just needed to get his out.
  5. Thank you for your reply, it has made me feel a bit stronger inside. Like you say I am feeling a lot of conflicting emotions, one day i'll be angry, the next want to just be back in his arms, the next i'll be so upset and feel so vulnerable and used. It's baffling, I don't even know why I feel like it sometimes. I don't know if my anger is because of the sudden loss of my dad or at how easy it was for him to walk out on his life and happily start a new one, with no worries or ties. All I know now is I must see through this no contact thing. It was only dragging me further down with the texts and emails and I just need to heal. I feel like nobody will be so close to me and my family again and we got on so well as friends and lovers. It especially hurts me to think that my dad told me close to his death that he would have loved to have been at our wedding and it hurts so much to think no other man in my life will meet my amazing dad. He really was my rock and if I was going through this break up with him here it would be so much easier because he would have had some guidance to give. I really do miss him very much. I just feel like my ex has hurt me too much and doesn't even understand the consequence of his actions. I thought he would because of how close he was to my family and how supportive he was at the time my dad passed away. Its like he has such a happy supportive exterior and he's taken on helping me and my family and he just thought "oh no" I can't hack it and he's bailed. And it hurts to see that hes a popular guy and other people will always see the good side of him and not the fact he's abandoned me when I needed to lean on him the most while the grief of losing my dad passed. I hope one day he does realise but like you say it will probably be too late and I will have moved on. You are right, I can't have a life partner with someone who will bail when life gets tough. I never asked for this but I know I'm made of strong stuff and by acting like this with me he has lost my respect and i'll try so hard to lose that love I have for him. I suppose this is life, some coast through with little drama and others get hit with wave and wave of drama for no reason. It feels good to vent this in a place where people understand.
  6. Hi, Not sure if it's rapidly approaching the first anniversary of my dads death but I'm really struggling with my feelings and thought this forum may help me understand what I'm feeling a bit better. I'm 23 and live at my parents home with my mum. My dad died end of November 2010 out of the blue from a rare form of cancer. He started ill about 3 months before diagnosis and was dead 3 days after diagnosis. Very confusing and scary time. Me and my dad had a very close relationship and I have managed to find my way through this first year... well I thought pretty well as far as grieving and suffering a loss like that goes. I have been active, been working full time, supporting my mum and even though the bad days are bad I have my ok days when I feel a bit less numb. Although I feel overall numb and very drained of emotion. My memories of my dad are becoming less of the ordeal and watching him die and more of the happy times. My problem is... My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years left me 3 months ago and I feel like i've been going through living hell since then. I'm getting mixed up with emotions of my dad and of him and everything seems too much at the moment. My boyfriend moved in with me and my parents a month before my dads death. He was there by my dads side when he passed away and was very close to all my family, especially my dad. Since the beginning of this year our relationship has been rocky. Communication wasn't great I was getting tired, upset and stressed over stupid little things but I put it down to grief. I tried to explain this to him but I never fully feel like he quite got how big a deal what I was going through was. Not only my dad had gone but a lot of responsibilities had been put on me and my mums shoulders. My boyfriend willing helped at first, maybe I leaned on him too much but he never once said he'd had enough. Until we started spending less time together and more time worrying and stressing over keeping the house running and sorting out all my dads business and helping my mum. In July he walked out one day when we'd had an argument over something petty. He said he thought I was only with him because and that he gets no love from me anymore.... but what can I do I feel distraught and emotionally drained with everything, my life had been flipped. After he walked out we had a talk, I told him I don't know how I feel about everything and he moved out. He ended the relationship, he said he thinks by being with me that he has to deal with everything else and that i'm not myself at the moment we would end up hating each other. I've tried meeting up and talking and trying to solve things, I love him so much and if he wanted a bit of space I would understand but its as though he wants the single life (but doesn't want to sleep around, just wants to go out biking and have no commitments) and me and my issues are too much for him. He says he loves me and that we haven't grown apart its just the stress of the circumstances and it would hurt him if we could never be friends. I told him I can't be friends with him because its hurting me knowing I can't have him and he's being so cold with me. I have now left him an email saying how I feel and that the ball is in his court. I'm a person who wants to fix things and we have had an amazing relationship until everything got too heavy too fast. I can't get through to him that I can't help what happened and how I'm feeling... I can't explain the grief... I hope not contacting him will maybe make him see in time. But for now I feel my only way to heal with everything is too move on and act as though it is the end. I can't keep chasing him and hurting myself. I've lost mutual friends through this too and he just seems to act like he's made a clean cut and its not effecting him. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.... I feel so heartbroken by everything. How can he end a 6 1/2 year relationship when i've lost my dad so soon.... Oh I don't know.. this just sounds the opposite of many of the posts I've read on here where the person grieving pushes there partner away. My only conclusion is he's too immature to handle this (he's only 23 and has a large family and has never suffered grief) and he's taken the cowards way out.
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