mik

Thank you for the video. I have watched it in the past. Right now I am so raw that I cannot view it but I will once I can. THank you all again. I have ordered two books also that were recommended in order to gain a greater understanding of pets in the afterlife. I know I am using this as a crutch right now, but I need to believe that is so in order to deal with this sadness. The belief that I will see Lillypuss again and that she is near me in spirit is a comfort even if I was taught that animals don't have souls. I disagree and need to believe this.

Thank you everyone for all your support. Marty..thank you for the links as well. I just said goodbye. All I could do is kiss her over and over again and tell her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I could not even stay for the injection, it was just too much to bear. I hope she understands and knows I was with her till the end. They will creamate her. I am not even sure what I will do, as I never requested that before. I just could not bear the thought of having her in the ground. I read some of the information you sent me Marty...it has helped. I am so depressed that I can hardly feel. I become so overwhelmed by the feelings of depression and sadness I am almost afraid to feel them. Almost like I will lose my mind. The pit I feel in my stomach right now is endless. I know that with time I will recover but right now it is so painful. I am trying not to think about her until I can do so without this overwhelming amount of sadness. I miss her so much already. Pray for me please...I could use any positive thoughts right now. I can't wait until I see her again, healthy and whole...all of pets....it will truly be heaven.

I am so sorry! I am going through this now. Liilypuss was diabetic, diagnosed in March or April. I have been giving her insulin twice a day. Wednesday she did not come up from downstairs ready to eat anything in site..I went down to find her soaked in urine and starring into space. I ran her over to the vet and she is still there. Today the vet called and said there is no hope. I have to say goodbye tomorrow. I am torn to pieces. I feel as you do, losing a big part of me. I know it is the right thing to do as I do not want her to suffer anymore, but I feel like my world is coming to and end. I am as sad as I have ever been. You have a partner in your suffering..and understanding. What ever you choose it will be the right thing for you. I have said that to myself. Right for you and your friend.

Kim (mik)

Thank you for your words. I do believe you and I am so sorry for your loss. I have my mom and dad around me now. I help care for them as they are elderly. They are supportive as well, but just don't see things like I do..they try hard though. I have met someone new and we have been together for over a year. Like Lilly, I am so afraid of losing him as well. I need therapy, lol..when I have insurance I will go back. Thank you for listening and for helping me..you really have with your words. I will look forward to seeing Lilly and my other pets in that afterlife. I will look for the piece your step daughter is editing, thank you.

I am sorry I didn't mean to make you cry. I have lost cats in the past. One I have had for over 25 years. For some reason the pain with Lilly is horrible. Perhaps after the death of Dragon, part of me is just raw to loss. You would think you would grow tougher with each loss but not me..it hurts even more. I don't know if I can take much more of this. Makes you want to wrap yourself up and never venture out to love anything again. I can't even get another cat..nothing will take her place and I would feel worse. I have nothing to do but to sit here and go through this. It is heart wrenching. It is the price you pay for loving something so much.

I am going to lose Lillypuss. The vet left a message. I have to come in at 9:00 and let her go. My heart is breaking. I can't stop crying. It seems as nothing in this world last for me. She was there through everything. I don't know how I am going to let her go. I just can't stop crying? I feel like I am out of control again. I have not felt this alone and sad for a long time. I want her in my life..I am so angry too..why? again I find myself asking why does anything I love go away? I prayed to God again..I don't understand why he dosent hear me. I asked him to put it in his hands and now I don't want to face the answer. Others don't understand as usual. I hate that question why! Tell me again I am doing the right thing...what is best for her, I can't come to terms with it as I sit here crying like a fool. I want her!!! Life is so unfair...I am a mess. I need to know I will see her again in an afterlife. Will she ever know how much I love her? Do cats know???

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am sorry to tell you I have some bad news to tell. I have just posted in loss of a pet. Please see this post. I am going through another bout of grief..just when I thought I was doing well. I may lose my cat Lillypuss. She has been here for over seven years and helped me through the loss of Dragon. It seems that since I have experience his loss, every loss I have now is 100 times greater than before. I almost an overwhelmed with the feeling of grief as I was with my partner! I thought after that I could deal with anything...I was wrong.

I have just returned to this site once again after not being able to log in for some time. I posted that I was doing well after two years without him in my life. I am now posting two days later. I am about to lose my best friend, and my companion..my cat Lillypuss. Lilly has been with me now for more than seven years. She has been there through the loss of my partner. In January she was diagnosed with diabetes. I administer her insulin twice a day. Yesterday I found her unresponsive. I rushed her to the vet. They hospitalized her. Yoday I got the prognosis. It is not good. She is not responding to the anti-biotics. The vet says if she does not she will need to go to a city hospital the cost could run into a few thousand, and even then they may not be able to help her. She may have cancer of the pancretitis or liver disease..or who knows. I asked the vet for her reccomendations. The vet stated if she dosent respond to anti-biotics by tomorrow I should think of letting her go...uthenisia (sorry for my spelling) I am heartbroken. She has been with me, I am so close to her, like my own child.

I am now sitting here crying..I have the worst feeling she is not going to make it and I will have to make that decision tomorrow. I am so depressed. I cried at work all morning. I don't know how to get through this. Ever since I lost my partner every loss is a 100 times worse.

I know no one can help me. I am so sad..so down...all I can do is cry. Please say a prayer for Lillypuss. I am praying she responds to the anti-biotics....sigh....I don't know what I will do without her.

Kim

It will be two years on December 6, 2013 since I have lost my Dragon. I have been unable to access this site for some time now due to forgotten passwords and even my screen name. I am glad to be back and to report that I am doing very well these days...a far cry from the previous past two years. I am so grateful to this forum for all those who have lost and have the courage to share their grief and experiences. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Kim

Thank you both for your very kind words. Anne, it is so hard isnt it? I try to remember all the little details over and over again so I don't forget. That is one of my fears..that I will forget the details and he will fade away from me. Even if details do fade, I remind myself he is always inside of me.

Kay...thank you! I was out of my mind a year ago. Your kindness and understanding made such a big difference! All I could do was say over and over again how much I loved Dragon and missed him, and how horrible this was! It has taken me a full year to even accept the fact that he is gone. I know like you, that the pain will always be present, but your so right..we had the wonderful gift of having them in our lives...no matter how long..or how short that might be. We all have indeed been lucky! Who would think those in a group expressing grief over the loss of a loved one would feel lucky? But if you have gone through it..you know just how fortunate you are to have shared your life with them...and it's only now that you realize it!

Hello

I have been a member of this group for over a year! It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since the passing of the man I love. I have not posted for some time now. I am not sure why that is? Perhaps I am moving forward, though I know deep down in my heart I will never move too far away from my feelings and my grief.

I am hesitant to use the term "anniversary". For me, the word is associated with happy times, ie, weddings, a special occassion that is rememberd, events that are signaificant in one's life. Although this meets the defination of "significant"..it can hardly be used to describe an event that turns your world upside down, shatters your heart into a million pieces, cuts into your very soul, and steals your dreams of the future. Still...it is to be remembered, cherished, and celebrated..not in the traditional sense but in a way that enables our loved ones memory to live on. And for me his memory has..and will continue to do so.

There is not a day that goes by that he is not in my thoughts...in my day to day experience of surviving. I love him, he has my soul, my heart, my everlasting devotion. My life continues, but not with a vast deep empty hole. Today, I choose to remember the times I felt closest to him. I think of the problems, the highs and lows of our life together. I long for his touch. I know someday I will again be with him.

I do "celebrate" his life..not in that traditional way, but with warm thoughts of his love. I will remember this anniversay...and in time it will not bring about the sadness and longing that it does today. In time I am hoping that it will serve as my reminder that life is precious and short..you don't know what the future holds..it will remind me to live everyday like it was the last...most of all it will remind me to never ever put off doing something, being with someone, sharing my love NOW...not waiting for everything to be perfect...or even close to it. I love you Dragon.

Kimberly (Mik)

Thank you Kim. I too believe his spirit is with me. I'm sure I will get through it, but not easily. I went to get my car washed and the girl that works there always asks how I am doing and can't believe I'm still strugglin. She told me today to think of all he men that are out there. Are you kidding me!? My jaw just dropped- couldn't believe those words came out of her mouth. Some people just don't know what true love is. Missing Him

I am sorry that you had to hear that! There are going to many individuals in their effort to "help" and try and make you feel better that will say the wrong thing beacuse either they havent been where you are at yet or just don't know what is appriopriate to say to you at this time. I like you, feel that no one could replace my Dragon...and it is very true. Telling me that there are many men out there does nothing to heal my pain. When I hear such statements my knee jerk reaction is to go off and start telling them how no one can replace the love that we lost...and I have done that a few times...I later learned it is just better to save my breath and remember that the individual saying this dosent have a clue and really can't comprehend what I am feeling...but will some time down the road. Then they will get it. Until then I just smile and think again how close I am to his spirit...and that it matters not what anyone else says.

I will keep you in my thoughts as you grieve and know your love is near you as well.

I understand how your feeling. I have been dreading the holidays as well. THis will be my first Thanksgiving that he is gone. I was supposed to be with him last year however he was already in the hospital. It was at this time last year that he was sick...I was with him and I have been having a terrible time dealing with this time period now. You will get through it...it hurts, its so hard, and you will miss him more than you think that you can bear..but always know he is with you in spirit. It helped me. He died December 6th of last year...so last year was the first Christmas without him..no holiday will ever be the same but you will find different ways to celebrate them. I feel your pain and understand. Wish I had more that I could say to you. You are not alone.

Kim

Dragon's birthday was on the 22nd of September...the same day as my fathers. I began thinking...I will be his age in February. (52) and then I shall grow older than him...It was just a strange thought. He has always been older than me, both chronlogically and in life's experiences. But I shall be older than him soon. Just something I began to ponder..It is strange the things that come to mind at times isn't it?

Kimberly

I have been feeling very depressed as of late. I am not sure if it is simply the end of summer and the leaves are beginning to change and fall from the trees or if it is beacuse at this time last year I was with Dragon and he was beginning to feel sick (the cancer was undetected at this time) The changing seasons have left an effect on me like never before. I am remembering what it was like to not know what it was that was making him ill. The constant pain that he was feeling, the doctors appointments. Trying to go on regardless of what we did not know at the time. I was there last year at this time with him. I find he is in my dreams as of late. It almost feels as though I am going through this heartach all over again. I knew the anniversary of finding out that he was already with stage 4 bone cancer would be trying however I was not prepared for the memories to become so vivid. It feels as though all the work I have done to recover has been a waste of time. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Is this trauma being released once again? I miss him so much I can barely stand it at times...I dreamed I was in his arms..but then I left and was lost and could not find my way back to his home and to him? This dream threw me..it has stuck with me now for several days. I have been crying like I did when finding out for the first time he was dyeing. I am at a loss..there is nothing I can do but remember..and it hurts to do that..more than anyone knows here. Sigh....I want him back in my life...it almost seems like reality is setting in again for the firt time. I dont know what to do with myself anymore....

Sometime we all need that..it builds up and we need a good cry...dont be afraid to do so..it helps to release a lot of pent up frustration and sadness...it actually helps me feel better afterward! Take care of your self Dave...I care, we all do...

Hello Dave

You did nothing to deserve this string of bad luck. Life is difficult...it goes through periods where most things work the way we want them and then through periods when they all seem to be falling apart. It is the natural circle of life. You must gather all your strength and rmember the positives...your father is recovering from his surgery..he is not on his death bed thank God...1 point for the positive! The vehicles are breaking down left and right..can one of them be repaired? I know that it takes money but it will come in time..do you know somone who can work on it for a modest price? 1 point for positive thinking!

Moving? How much work will it take to get it back in shape? a day, a week, a month?... but it can be done and it wont take the rest of your life right? 1 point for positive! As far as your relationship with Mike..the only person who really matters are you and Mike. We cant stop people from thinking what they think..the best you can do is limit contact or refuse to justify your relationship to them. It dosent matter. 1 point for positive! And the dog...I feel bad, but perhaps you can keep him in one place and limit the area where clean up may have to occur? May make life a little eaiser...not the perfect situation but with each of these problems, just takes a deep breath...I know how you feel though..this can be overwhelming. Now think back to the time when you lost that very important the one of a kind person in your life..you have handled life and death at its very worst. You came through it and you will come through these issues as well. One thing about losing our love in life...makes everything afterward easier to handle..nothing could com[pare to the pain and loss we already have suffered...Try to look at these things as a "piece of cake"

PS not minimizing how you feel or the problems right now in your life..just trying to lighten your load...Hugs...

Kimberly

You are in my prayers! How scary this must be for you and everyone else in the area! Is there anyone you can contact to get your animals to a safe place for the time being? I am praying for you and all the others!

Kimberly

Your post hit right to the heart Harry. Yes somone is taken away everyday, for me it was the first and only man so far that I was truly in love with. And he loved me. I waited a lifetime to hear those words. He was taken by bone cancer. A painful, devasting disease. I hear about cancer surviors. I feel jealous that they have survived while my own love lost his life to this horrid disease. It sounds selfish I know, but I wonder why could it not be him that was one of the survivors? I was angry with God for so long until I understood that I will never understand why. Does not make a lot of sense to anyone who has not experienced this first hand. I saw a strong, intelligent man, lose his strength, his mind, his spirit. He was a shell of the person he once was. It is devasting byond any words can fathom. My heart still breaks everyday at his loss. I have tried to go on. Some days it is bearable, other days it is good with the glimmer of hope that happiness may still be out there...but it changes you..I read on somones profile here...you think you have changed your life..but life has changed you. I could not have said those words better myself. It is so true. I feel as though a large part of my heart is gone. It will never be replaced no matter how much time goes by. Does it get better? No. Your right, it becomes "different"..I supposed one can say better, with the intensity of the emotion at a leavel that is manageable. But better? No never. I long to see my Dragon in the afterlife. Sometime so much that I look to my own death as freedom...freedom from the physical bonds that keep me here in this world until I can one day be reunited with him. So that I make this clear, I do not wish to end my life out of depression or desperation. I do not want to end it. I wish it would reach it final pinnacle so that I can once again be by his side. It is only then that my heart will feel whole again.

Until then I will go on. Not as the same person but as one who has loved and lost, forever changed.

Kimberly

Good morning~

I want to thank everyone for all your insightful thoughts and caring through this difficult time. I took what each of you has to say to heart. I will get through this. What is so difficult are those days when there seems to be little hope of anything but more grief. Taking some time and looking into the situation I find that I am just not ready for a new relationship. I tend to ward off the sadness by thinking that a new relationship will make me happy instead of doing the work one needs to do to accept the reality of today. I realize this and also that I tend to take things to the extream, instead of looking at them how they really are, thus creating a even more heartach for myself. I tend to overdramatize the situation before fully examining it. For those of you who have reminded me that it takes time...thank you. In this world of instant everything sometimes it is hard to remember that grief is a slow process and is not like clicking a computer on and off. I appreciate each and every individual response. Thank you..things will turn around eventually and I pray for the patience it takes to let them do so on their own.

Kimberly

I wish I had something positive to say to everyone. Instead I have this hugh pit in my stomach that just hurts and hurts. It is again the feeling of loss. Whats worse is he is on line and I see what he posts. I should not even view it but I do. I wonder if I have become so familar with the feelings of upset and grief that I know no other feelings to connect to at this time. While I was with him I talked of Dragon quite a bit. That should have been a red flag, for him if not me. Now he has gone on with the last love of his life. He still has her and I am so jealous. What I wouldn not give to have Dragon back in my arms. I feel like I will find no one. This last man at least gave me a glimmer of hope. No one intrests me now. I have no thoughts of romance. For the brief time they came alive only to again be dashed when he went back to his old girlfriend. I have no old partner to go back to. I have no one. I am sorry, just sad, depressed and just am so tired anymore. I cant see any light to my future but heartach and pain. I wish I could curl up in a tight position and just go to sleep for good. I know I should not say this or feel this way but I just want it all to be done and over with. I have lived my life and now I just need peace.

Kimberly

Thank you Kay

It is so hard...I feel like I take one step forward and three back. I long for somone to be with. I thought perhaps this new relationship had a lot of potential, now I am so down I dont know what to do. But thank you for your words. Sigh..this is all I can do these days.

Kim

I am here again...for those who responded that I needed to be careful on beginning a new realtionship. I am sorry I didnt take your words to heart. I sit here now in pain again. I started a realtionship..and open realtionship. It has ended. He ended it. He was not honest with me. That is not what is going on now..though I feel the loss of that relationship...the real pain is that it opened up all the feelings I had losing Dragon. It is as though this three month relationship is as painful for me as losing the true love of my life. All the feelings are the same and it is impossible. How could they be? I feel like it has opened up all the old wounds. The intensity is so great..out of porportion for the time spent and the involvment with this last individual. I can seem to get a grip on things, I am depressed, lonley, want to connect again with someone...it is as though no time has passed since Dragon passed. Is it possible to transfer feelings to a new person then after a three month relationship. It feels the same, pain as you felt when you lost the love of your life??? It does not make any sense to me. I am so down I can barely get anything done around the house..I cant eat...I cant sleep...this is such a step backwards for me and I caused it. I am so tired of crying and now have to cry all over again for this new loss..I feel afraid again, anxious...why oh why did I start again....? This is the same relationship that I intially broke off...I went back and swe started again (see previous post) Dam, I need my head examined!

Mik (Kim)

It feels like a life time ago since I have lost my Dragon to cancer. Yet everyday I am still so sad and still continue to cry. I have been dating and have tried to move forward with my life but still the pain is so intense. I am also afraid that I will lose my memeory of him...even though I cry all the time still it is getting harder to remember specifics. I was grateful when I was able to pull up some old emails..(still dont' know how I manged to) I have been reading them daily..perhaps that is what is bringing thi s new onslaught of sadness and tears. I wish that I could just have one more day with him..to say all the things I wish I could have said while he was here...I miss him so...I dont know if I will ever get past this enough to live a life free of heart ach...

Kimberly

Yesteray Ed got home before I to find the house was broken into............Gone are some stuff that doesnt mean a whole lot, a gun ,meds..............THEY TOOK MY LAPTOP, WITH ALL OF MIKES PIcS AND THE MEMORY STICK WAS ATTACHED, WITH ALL OF HIS PICS AND ARCHIVED POSTS...................................................................................................................I am broken hearted.........and it was the 14th month anniversary of his death......................................

I am so disgusted that I am sick to my stomach.....I feel like someone has just this scar open again......Dave

I am so very sorry Dave! I don't blame you one bit for feeling this way, I would as well! I wish that I could say more to comfort you. There is a hope that they might find out who has done this awful act and get your things back. Your in my heart as you deal with yet another loss.....

Kimberly