mik

MIK,

OMG, I sent you a message before I read this post. I am so sorry! It's up to you whether or not you choose to respond to the text, but I would give it time, right now you're in shock and it's hard enough just processing that he's gone. My only advice is be extra kind and gentle with yourself...no recriminations, have faith in your love and know that what you had was real and he knew it or you wouldn't have been in his life. The other person's grief is hers, right now it's going to take all you can muster just to get through what YOU are going through. Please come here and post whenever you want, we're listening.

I did respond and tried to make peace, she just cut me down with her horrible words...I lost it myself and sent her a horrible email as well. tomorrow it will be a week and I am not communicating with her. I know what she is going through is probably much worse since she has to deal with all his personal items, business, and the reminders of him daily. I am here away from all of that...but I have put my reminders..pics, gift, books away until I can better deal with them. I expect no more communication from her and I won't initiate any as well. Just another piece of my life over..the only thing I wish I could find out is if he was creamated or buried? If he was buried at some point I would like to visit with him..but then I do that now..I feel his presence and spirt guiding me at times..either that or I have lost my mind and I am imagining this scenerio...He was agnostic..I believe in a higher power, so I do count the days when I will see him again and hope that God understands that he is a good man even if he did not believe in him.

Thank you.

I feel like you do. I lost my partner yesterday after a month long illness. I couln't even be there during his final moments....I am heartsick and despondent. I honestly don't know how to cope...but my heart goes out to you. Mik

I got a text message tonight...at 10:37 the love of my life died. His other partner sent me the text. It is very odd, I was sitting in my living roon and the weirest feeling came upon me...the lights blinked and I got the text message. I felt like I knew before I even got the message....I'm lost, I'm numb, I knew it was coming and still wasent ready. What will I do? what can I do...I want to wipe it out of my head so I can sleep and give my mind a break before I have to face it again in the morning..what will I do without him in my life? Oh God...why..why???

I can understand how you must be feeling. I feel a lot like you do. My parents have a tree and everything else for Christmas. I live above them and see them everyday and I have 0 desire to celebrate anything. I have been forbidden to see him during his last days by his other partner. Its a long story and I don't wish to go into it, but she has the control and he is not lucid a lot of the time, so to me he is gone. I look on the on-line paper everyday for his obituary since he lives six hours away. I have bought him presents that she will not accept in the mail. Christmas means nothing to me it is just a sense of heart ach that I have to see other get to enjoy with their loved ones. I too wish for my time to come so that we can be together again. Perhaps that feeling will change in time. For now I have all reminders of him in a box in the attic so that I am not reminded of him. Not very healty beacuse sooner or later those feeling will come to the surface. I truyl hate his other partner and hope that she suffers long and hard for denying him what he wanted when he was in his mind to express it. and he wanted us all together. I cut off all communication with her so so can no longer hurt me. I hope that one day for you and for me that we will be able to enjoy life so much as we are looking forward to death...beacuse I know in my heart that is not the answer...not for you or me..our partners would want us to go on...

Thank you. It still feels unresolved and I won't even know when he passes. I need the finality of it. I am afraid to call the hospital for fear that they won't let me speak with him or that he is gone. I am sending out a card today with a samll item that I had bought for him for Christmas. That is all I can do. It may be just thrown away but I did everyhting I could do. She is now blaming me for running off when things got tough. Hello ? I was right there. It took mountains to move for me to get there. Did I over react to both his sister and her screaming and other actions? I was alone in this city with no one and no where to go. My mind couln't take anymore of the drama. I feel guilty for not putting up with their horrible actions but I was supposed to be there for him?

THgis whole relationship has been a drama from day one. I am miserable and dont know what to do. I know most people dont have this kind of drama and bull going on in their world. Does anyone have any more advice. I appreciate all that has been offered. It has helped me, believe me. THank you.

Mik

Thank you...I don't know of any other way to cope. Everything I see reminds me of him. I can't eat or sleep.

It was a nightmare.

Mik

I have posted in loss of a relationship, nightmare of a visit to my partner. Anyone have any words that might comfort me?

Mik

An updat to previously posted entries in anticipatory grief...

I ended up going out to see my partner yesterday. I got to the hospic after a lot of trouble finding it. He was gray in color. Barely knew me. I was devasted. I met his sister for the first time. He was combative and wanted me to take him out of the hospice and take him home. He grabbed my neck swore at me and I had to get the nurse. In the mean time his sister called cindy his other partner and said I was making hom upset. Cindy called me and started screaming at me. I hugged him and left. I traveled 6 hours across the state and had no where to stay. I found a hotle stayed the night and now I am back home.

Cindy told me never to call him again or come to the hospital, which I can't beacuse of the distance. I cried all the way home. I am now in a state of shock, I won't know if he is dead or alive. In my mind he is already gone. I am hopeless. I cant cope. I don't even know how to handle this. If you are confused see previous entries....I could barely get on here. It is right to think of him as gone beacuse I can't contact him? That is how I see. I cant even think straight enough to type this.

Mik

KayC,

Thank you for listening. The shops we have are on ebay. The problem is all the merchandise that has to be shipped and mailed. I am taking a lot with me so that I can continue with mine and well as work on his. I have contacted my future employer and asked for another week before beginning the job..I don't know how much time I will need but this bought me some time. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am just overwhelmed and afraid to go..afraid to stay here..I just want our life back the way it was! I am headed out Wednesday morning. Thank you for your reply and all your help...and for listening. It is appreciated.

Mik

Dwayne,Thank you for your words. This just happened so fast!!! I am leaving Wednesday morning to see him. There are also several other family memeber staying with his other partner so I don't know where we are all going to sleep but we will work that out. I phoned my future employer and requested an extra week before I begin the job..honestly, I don't know if that will be enough time it it bought me some time to figure this out. I am waiting to hear back from her...So I will be spending the holiday and if knows how long. I am afraid to go..I know sounds silly but there is just so much to deal with. I want to see him despertly however it is just so safe here, almost removed until it enters my thoughts..and it does day and night..I am stuck in between and feel selfish because I know where I belong. And guilty. Thats nothing new, lol...I will talk with him about all the hard subjects...the business, his remaining time, what he wants from me while he is here ect. It is just so hard to imagine this..being without him. I took for granted we would always have each other. There is so much to do before I go..packing ebay stuff to take with me so my business doeent go down the drain, making sure money is distributed for bills and other needs, making sure the car is good to go..it's being inspected again today...packing..maps...mail..I am overwhelmed and would love to just go back to bed but I cant. But thank you all for your kind words and wisdom...it is helping me a great deal.

Mik

The problem with the job is that is is here..6 hours away from where he is...and yes the unemployment will run out in 7 weeks...sigh. I don't know what will become of the antique and collectable business that he has and I have, we both have ebay sites. He has been doing this for more than ten years ans just taught me everything to start one of my own which I have, I have had mine for a year. The plan was to work together on one ebay site and combine our items. Now I don't know what will happen...I don't know what he plans on doing with his estate, and I really don't want anything from him other than to be a part of each other's lives for however long that will be..and it looks like it's not long. He rents another home full of priceless antiques as well that are his own personal treasures...I don't even know whats going to happen there..or what will happen due to rent being due...OMG..it's just overwheming..plus all the items at her house (his other partner)... Now we have yet another clitch..beacuse he is going to hospice Monday, I am going to have to "pretend" to be a family memeber..(sister) beacuse the other partner's supervisor is a supervisor at the hospice! It could be a problem since only family memeber can spend the night and be ther all the time..what a mess...but I will do whatever I can to be with him....I know I am rambling and it is hard to communicate with me...but your right, one day at a time..the future is just too bleak. Last night I woke out of a sound sleep in a cold sweat...anxiety and dread gripping me...I had to drink a shot of Captian Morgan just to calm down and go back to sleep....sigh...I really don't know how to cope. But thank you and I will go to admin to see if this post can be transfered. Thank you again for your words and for being there.

Thank you for your words. I had a call from him this morning. I am headed out on the six hour trip to see him on Wednesday. He told me he will not be going home but to a hospice. I am further devasted. The doctor initally told him one to two years, then said a year or more. The 6 months..now he told me he will be lucky to live to the new year... My world is upside down, I just interviwed for a job after being on unemployment for two years and got it..Now I am not taking it. I had planned on working with him in his business...but he is never comeing home..I am trying to grasp the idea of NEVER GOING HOME....I still can't digest it.arent doctors sometimes wrong? Does thismean he is really dying and has only a few months..I have just gotten settled with the idea of one or two years..now this..I just can't bear the thought of losing him. I am so sad for him..to never go home, to never see his dreams realized, to never again go out in the sunshine and hike through the woods, or cut wood for the fire...I am so angry and sad and defeated..all at the same time I don't know if I am coming or going..it's been "there"..now I will be there with it..in the middle..but I don't want to be anywhere but by his side..what if I cant handle it..will I go mad? am I going nuts now..this feels like a horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from it it will be all the more real next Wednesday...

I am afraid. Fear and anxiety grips me daily. How does one cope with this fear of one dying and know that you can do nothing to change it?

Mik

Hello

I am here beacuse I don't know what to do. My situation is a bit complicated and I truly hope that I don't offend anyone in my explantion of the current relationship. I am in an open realtionship with my partner, he has another individual who resides with him. Ours is long distance however I have recently spent much time there with them both. While there my partner was diagnosed with cancer. He had a cancerous spot removed several years eairler and we though all was good since he had monthly chekups. While I was there he became ill, and finally the day I departed was admitted to the hospital. It just gets horrible from this point. He was diagnosed with stage four bone cancer. I have updates from his other partner daily. At first I could call him and talk, but he became more and more ill. His other partner is going crazy, but at least she can see him. I am across the state and it is up to her if I can stay and see him. We both are in the same situation though she has every legal advantage due to knowing him 3 years before me. It's such a long story, and too much to detail here, but I am going crazy myself. I am hoping to go and see him and help with all that needs done after the Thanksgiving holiday. It's just a waiting game. One day they say he has a year or two the next day maybe 6 months? This is all coming from her as she has asked that I not call him due to his not sleeping at all and in constant pain. I don't know how to deal with this? This relationship has been working up until this point but now all the stress has made it so hard to communicate. I feel selfish and self centered calling for updates, but I am just as upset as she is, maybe more. I dont know what to do, how to act, My family dosent understand this relationship and just seems to think it is sad but they say, well your not married or anything like that..but I feel just as though I have just as much I will be losing. Even here it sounds selfish beacuse it seems to be all about me??? I love him and I want him in my life! I am devasted. Does anyone understand this? All I do is cry from dawn till night and then some.

Mik