amw

Missing him, As much as there are days that I just want to curl up in a ball and forget the world, I know I have to keep fighting to survive. Yes, Jim would want me to keep up the fight and not give up. Hope things are getting better for you, this process of grief take time.

Anthony, Thank you for your advice, I have finally found a few places that are trying to help with utilities, and food, but the frustrating part for me is that we thought there was a pension (and was told there was one) that would be there for me after Jim passed away, then when I went to sign up to get it they told me we hadn't been married long enough. The thing that makes me angriest is that they knew how long we had been married because they had a copy of our marriage cert. Jim thought he was taking care of me the way I took care of him, I know he would be just as angry to know they lied to both of us. Luckily my son is trying to help as much as he can, but his boss just cut his hours two weeks before Jim died. I know that one way or another I will survive, it's just hard without Jim and having to put off grieving for him, to deal with all the financial stuff. I will look online to see what else might be out there, thanks Anthony. I'm glad you have Ciara and she has you, I'm sure you give each other strength and support through the loss of Celene.

Anthony, I can tell you from my experience with Jim having cancer that knowing at some point death is coming in the near, yet not present moment didn't make a difference when it comes to the depth of the loss or the grief you go throught. We were told we would have 6-8 months and Jim was gone in less than 2 months. Loss of someone that is our loves, and soulmates is such a deep and profound loss. We want to believe we will be with them forever, but unfortunetly live throws us curve balls we never expect to happen. I am so sorry people tried to change your mind, or make you second guess the choices you made for Celene's cremation. You have to know you did the right thing for both you and her, as you gave her what she told you she wanted. Jim told me just three months after we got together what he wanted done when he passed, and I made sure he got his wishes met, not that we don't care about others oppinions, but we have to do what is what our beloved wanted above all else. So many people think they are doing the right thing to help us by putting in their opinions and thoughts, or by telling us we need to move on with our lives. Some don't want us to talk about the ones we love and lost, some pull away from us because it is scary and to realistic that something like this could happen to them. Others just don't know what to say, the only ones that truely get it, unfortunetly are ones who have gone through the loss. At least this is my findings as I go through this journey. There are so many wonderful individuals here that do truely get it, and it does help to try and find a grief support group where you live, too. We are here for you when you need us! amw

Mary, I am glad you gain so much from this conference, but at the same time am sorry it made you feel so vulnerable and raw. I'm sure it was bitter sweet to be home, as in one way it gives you comfort to be in familiar suroundings, the emptyness and silence can be so hard to go home to. I know this every time I leave to take care of something and come back home. I'm sure Bentley was glad you are home! Thinking of you often! amw

Anthony, I am so sorry for your loss. I am working on trying to be strong, as I know Jim would want and knew that I am. It's just at this time, and facing all of this financial difficulty that I just want to withdrawal from everything. Some days it's just to much to handle, especially from the harassement of my landlord, she just doesn't stop! She told me when Jim passed away that she would work with me until I got back on my feet financially, yet all she has done is harass me almost daily, even when I am keeping her up to date on what help I am working on. I just don't know how much more of it I can take. I haven't even had time to grieve Jim, due to all the financial garbage. Sorry I am rambling, she just sent me a very nasty text last night that has me upset and worried she will try and throw me out of my home. I have never been late except in Feb. when Jim was in the hospital for 15 days and I kept in touch with her even them, and to have a tennant that pays on time and every month, you would think that she would be a little more understanding. So much for working with me! Thanks for your support, it has helped to be able to come here and vent my feelings, the few family and friends I have don't even want me to talk about Jim or what I am going through, but here there are so many understanding individuals, some even help by giving info that helped them. Some has helped me, due to them sharing! Hope you find the same support here. amw

Missing him, How you are feeling is as some say "normal" if there is such a thing. It takes everthing I have to even get out of bed every day. But, once I finally do and get the door open it is easier to take the step outside and then I just put one foot in front of the other, some days I can only go a few houses down and other days make it to the end of the road. It all takes time, and you have to do things in your own time. Unfortunetly depression can work it's way in as you are grieving. But, you have to try and take care of yourself through the grief process, sometimes it's a walk other times it is looking for a counselor to help with grief, depression and all the mixed emotions that go with it. amw

Lina, You have time to give yourself time to think it through. Yes, eventually you have to decide, but not tomorrow. I suggest you get a notebook with nothing else in it (new or used) just take everything else out of it and have it as your thoughts notebook. By this I mean write down any interest you have currently or in the past, such as painting, sewing and so on, then how you could connect those to a job or business you would enjoy. This will take some of the scaryness out of it. But, anything new we start in life is scary, until we find something that fits. You will find something that fits you when the time is right, don't rush into it, once you write things down you can go back and even narrow it down from there. Take it a step at a time, that will ease the stress and scaryness, too! Keeping you in my thoughts! amw

Mary, It sounds like you are getting much from going to this conference, both from the sessions and by talking with others. Can you e-mail me the titles of the books you picked up so I can start a list for my studies? It sounds so interesting, wish I could be there with you. I know I am not ready to get back to school, and made the choice to wait until January to go back to get through the holidays and other issues still trying to work out, as we talked about through e-mail. But, this stuff is right up my alley and brings my wanting to learn more, out to the forfront. Hope the next two days go as well as today! Keeping you in my thoughts and prays! amw

Missing him, Your not being selfish, you miss the love of your life and there is nothing wrong with that! I have been told the same thing by so many others here, we feel we are being selfish because we just want them back in our lives, even when we know here on earth that can never be again. It's ok to have these feelings, and it's ok to say you want him back with you. When you love and loss someone that is that close it is as if a large piece of you is with them, and you don't know how to feel whole. I get this feeling, because I have it too. I still want Jim back every second of every day. It is going to take time to move forward, and you need to be patient with yourself, your grief and your feelings. It is all still so raw and there will be days that are better than others. Mary suggested I go for a walk to get myself out of the house and get some fresh air, take some deep breaths while I walked. Even if it is just for 10 or 15 minutes, just getting out she told me would help. I took her advice, even though all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and never go out again. She was right! It did help, it took a week or so, but it started to help clear my head/mind, and just gave me time to let it all go if that's what I needed to do, and other times gave me time to think things through that I have or had to do. Do something to take care of you, it's ok to be selfish and put your needs first right now, even though it truely isn't being selfish! Just remember we are here for you! amw

Missing him, I truely understand, and have many of the same thoughts and feelings. I talk to Jim all the time too, but you are right, the physical presence is what we miss the most, and probably always will. I wish Jim would give me daily signs also, but they are with us and watch over us, I truely believe this! Live will always be different, and some days will be better than others. Just take them one day at a time, and one minute at a time if that is what you need to do to get through that specific day. Support groups do help, so does journaling and art therapy, such as drawing or painting and even scrapbooking. But, you have to do those things when you feel ready! Know we are here for you! amw

Mary, You are a remarkable woman, and I would like to be at the conference with you, as this is my area of study. But at the same time I know I could probably not handle attending as it has only been 6 weeks this coming Tuesday since Jim has passed away. I empathize with you, as it will have areas and times that will be hard, due to your loss of Bill. I hope this conference is not to difficult, and that there will be information to help you on your journey. I think the speaker is right about the person who is dying needing counseled just as much as the family, they tend to hold a lot inside and don't want to be a burden to the ones they love and who are their caregivers. In many cases they withdrawal rather than spend quality time that they as well as the ones left behind can cherish. Much of this is due to fear and trying to detach so that the pain is not so deep, unfortunetly the pain gets even deeper, for both the person trying to pull away and the ones being left behind, so that is why he said that. Counseling can help bridge the families in many cases, but not all. But, I know you already know this and I am preaching to the chior so to speak. I will be thinking about you while you are at this conference, and pray you gain knowledge and not pain from it. amw

Missing him, Mary and Kay are giving you good advice, I am not to much further along than you on the journey of loss. My husband died April 24th. I too am filling much of the same feelings as you are. You said you want to be able to know he is still with you, he is! I was told by a grief counselor at the hospice my husband and I were connected, she told me just two weeks before he died that sometimes our grief is so deep and over whelming that we miss signs that our loved ones give us after they pass. She told me that you need to be open to signs they give us, like a special song on the radio, or a significant symbol that ment something to him or to you or both of you. For Jim, my husband, eagles had significance, and for me butterflies. I can't tell you how much this advice helped me, and I know Jim is with me and signs come, maybe not every day, but when I seem to need them the most. By her giving me this advice before he died, I think it helped me to stay more open to looking for them, plus he told me he would always be my gaurdian angel, I jokingly told him (yet I was being serious) he would have to give me signs so that I knew he was with me. He has done this numerous time. Talk to your husband, let him know you need to see signs from him that he is still around, he will give them to you if you open yourself to receive them. Give yourself time, you are being so hard on yourself! Take time as I have told you in my one post, it doesn't get better imediately, it takes time and we all need to take all the time we need, it's different for each person and situation. We are here, so come as often as you feel you need to, or want to! Be open to your feelings and try to be open to signs he is sending you, sometimes they are suttle and others can be bold, but they are there! Some days are better than others, but it is all part of the grief, so take time for yourself and be around people that want to support you, rather than those who are not supportive of what you are going through. amw

Marty, Thanks for the info, I will look into these. I told Mary when I get into working with families when I get finished with school, this will be something I keep in mind for a group to start, I know that every area needs coverage and support from children through the elderly, not just specific age groups. See, I have learned something new on my path to help others (ha ha!). But seriously we all need support from time to time in so many ways, especially through grief and loss. amw

Craig, I am so glad that you have been able to work through your grief and see where you are in the process! You truely do understand how we feel and know that we get what you are saying and feeling, because like you said we have been through it, and unfortunately there will always be those that don't want to talk about this, as you posted in one of my postings. Thank you for sharing with all of us, and please continue as it does help to have others who "get it" so to speak, to talk to and get support from. amw

Mary, Please share any good info from conference! My group starts mid July for 6 weeks. I'm still looking for other support groups in my area that are for widow/widowers, but most I have found are for 60+ aged widow/widowers. I think they need to concider that there are some of us that are widow/widowers under 60 and need support too! When I get into grief counseling when finish school these will be things I have taken note of to help others. The hospice Jim and I are connected to don't have a whole lot for me personally other than the educational class in July. It is for kids or like I said earlier 60+ widow/widowers. So I keep searching for one that fits me. I am starting to get that I have to just pretend I'm ok when around some people, I don't like it, but that's what they seem to want. Unfortunatley that includes my family and in laws. I don't know if I will ever get over the fact I can't talk about my husband to them especially, but I have started a journal to Jim and it helps a little. amw

Kay, You and so many others have and are helping me, and I just want to do the same for others, too! Thanks! amw

Missing him, I understand what you are saying, don't force yourself to do anything more than you can at this time. You need to take as much time for yourself as possible, it takes time to go through this grief. Having your dogs will help, mine means everything to me, especially now that she and I have lost Jim. We are all here for you, I try to get on every day, but somedays are to crazy still, but I am here, just as all the other wonderful people that are here! Be kind to yourself, and do what is best for you! amw

Missing him, I am so extremely sorry for your loss, there is nothing worse than lossing the ones we love, especially our partners in life. Jim and I were pretty much inseperable, we did everything together, and we pretty much were all each other had as well. Don't rush your grieving process, take the time you need, and don't let anyone tell you how or what to feel as you are going through this process, it is yours and yours alone and they are not walking in your shoes. I pray each day will get easier for you, and we are all here for you to talk to, as we do understand and are part of this club (so to speak) that none of use wanted to be a member of. Come back as often as you need or want to, to get out your thoughts and feelings, this is a safe place to express how you are feeling, with plenty of people who truely understand. This place has been a great help and continues to be! amw

Mary, Hope all goes well with the Voice's sale! The conference you are going to sounds very interesting, but that is the area I am going into, so it should (haha). How you have a great time and learn a lot of good information. amw

Mary, Kay and Lina, Thanks for your support. Yesterday I had a hard time as it was Jim's birthday. It made me realize all the birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and trips and other things we enjoyed and had planned to do together will never happen. That I will have to either do them alone or not at all.I miss him so much! As for the ones that don't understand (from my original post of this post) I feel like they just want me to be fake, put on my happy face, and never mention Jim again. I guess when I have to be around them that is what I will do, but how is that being true to myself or to Jim and what he means to me and always will? I am finding it hard to even be around people in general these days, and at times would just prefer to close myself inside my home and not come out. I guess the way people are reacting to me and my loss have a lot to do with it, and the other is Jim and I use to do everything together, most of the few friends I have are to busy with their own families to get together often. I guess I have to figure out how to venture out on my own, but it's just not the same without Jim! Mary, I'm so sorry it was so difficult at Bill's grave. Thinking of you all, hope today brings you some peace and eases your pain. amw

Kay, I feel the same way about the close friends and family, but obviously they just don't! I think they would possibly if they were the one going through it. Another thing that hurts is the one's who told me "they will ALWAYS be here for me, no matter what!" are now MIA, they don't return text messages or call. I get that they have their own lives to live, but these are the people that were the closest to Jim and I, that's the part that hurts most. Especially because if the roles were reversed I would not abandon them. I told Mary I signed up for an educational grief class that starts in July, and the grief counselor told me they don't start any counseling until at least 2 months after the loss. Thanks for your continued support! amw

Mary, I have been able to talk to the grief counselor at the hospice once. She told me to call a place here in my county, but nothing yet for help financially, but not giving up. As for grief support she told me they usually check in with you a month after, but don't usually start doing anything until at least 2 months after your loss. She did sign me up for an educational grief class she is running for 6 weeks, and she told me "you have the book knowledge about what you are going through due to your career path, but it is much different in real life when you are going through the loss. Your head tells you one thing due to education, while your heart tells you something different because you have suffered this loss." Thanks for remembering and asking! amw

Craig, So sorry for your loss. I agree with what you are saying about others who haven't been through this themselves. But, I have even had some that have lost a spouse say stuff that just didn't make sense if they truely loved their spouse, maybe I'm just to sentamental and sensitive about this and Jim. I am just 2 1/2 yrs away from becoming a masters in social work and working with grieving families in my job, I think I will be able to relate so much better than a grief counselor that only has book knowledge, not that we are to use our own experiences to much when working with families, but just having first hand experiences that I have from going through this process of end of life, terminal illness and eventually his death. But, even before I went through all this with Jim I still had empathy for others and stuff they were going through. I guess I just never expected his sister to act the way she is, especially being non-supportive. Thanks for your thoughts Craig, and I know this will always be a place I can come to vent and have people understand me and what I'm going through. It would just be nice to have someone I could call or meet for coffee here at home that gets it, too! amw

The 24th of May is the one month anniversary since Jim has passed away, and today is the one month anniv. since Jim was cremated and I saw him for the last time. Yet I am so suprised and taken a back by the reactions of so many people towards my feelings, grief and wanting to talk about my husband that I love and miss so deeply. I feel I need to talk and remember the good times as well as get out some of the rough times we went through together, I don't understand why people don't understand and why they don't want me too have time to grieve. If we don't or can't talk and remember the people we have lost and loved, how are we ever suppose to grieve and heal from the loss that is so great? My sister-in-law told me I am to sad. Others tell me to just get rid of his pictures and stuff and get over it and move on. And yet others say you knew it was coming so just suck it up and get on with things in your life. WOW!!!!!!!!!! They just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why???????????????? I have tried to not cry when people ask me how I'm doing, or say something about Jim, or his and my relationship and so on, but there are triggers and reactions to things that are hard to control right now. I just don't understand why people can be so cruel and say such hurtful things. I know everyone goes through this process differently, and in their own personal way, and some of the people saying this stuff to me has never lost a spouse to death. Why can't they try and see my side of it, instead of me always having to conform to their ways to be around them? It makes me very angry and frustrated, and wonder if I am the only one feeling this way, and if there is something wrong with me. amw

Dwayne, Good for you, age is just a number and we are as young as we feel! Hope all works out for you! Home and car repairs are one of the things I miss about Jim, if he didn't know how to do it he knew who could. My van is making sounds that aren't good, but I haven't a clue who to take it to, to make sure it is fixed right, and I as a woman not getting ripped off. You sound like you have many talents and Pauline knew that you could do anything you dreamed of, what a wonderful knowledge to have! Don't ever give up on your dreams!!! amw