amw

Marty, I know after a month they offer grief counseling, but what other help do they give, I don't know of any. I feel i don't even have time to grieve Jim's loss, because I am fighting to survive, when all I feel like doing is laying down and giving up, because I am so tired of having to fight for everything. I have no energy left, it took all I had to take care of Jim and plan and go through his cremation. I have health issues of my own, that's why I'm going to school to be able to do a job with my limitations, but all was put on hold for Jim and now I'm not sure when I can return as I don't want to go back so fast and fail what I have started, yet I know I need to return as soon as possible to get finished since I still have 2 1/2 yrs left. No energy, no money and I fear soon no place to live. I'm frustrated, scared and tired I have no one to turn to and just don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for rambling! amw

Lina, I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to wash away his smell! I have one of the last shirts he wore and haven't washed it for that reason. And I too have put out more pictures! I guess until you go through what we have (talking about the one's who haven't, but want to tell us how to feel) you can say put stuff away, get rid of things and so on, but I am not getting rid of Jim's clothes, there are some I want to keep as they are ( like shirts from our vacations, or his favorite and my favorite one's) and the every day stuff I plan to have made into quilts, that way he will keep me warm in a sense, and part of him will be with me. So many have told me to give it time and don't get rid of anything until you have had time to grieve and think it through, once the stuff is gone you may regret it I was told, so give it time and do what feels right to and for you, not for anyone else. Some great advice I thought I would share. I still can't sleep in our bed, when I sleep at all. I have a hard time even going into our bedroom. So, I could imagine how hard it is for you to think of washing the sheets he slept on last. You are in my thoughts, as today was three weeks since I lost Jim, and I know you lost Arthur just about a week before that. I'm here for you! amw

Lina, KayC, Mary, and Mary, I don't know what I'm going to do, live in my van if I have to, yes our government is rediculous! The one's who should have to get off their butt and work get everything handed to them, and the ones trying to make something of themselves and take care of themselves and their family get nothing. I know I don't understand it! But, thanks for the support. amw

Thanks Mary, I so appriciate your support and understanding. You never know, as determined as I can be I may get to make changes at state and federal levels, just not in time to help myself. Just wish I could figure something else out to survive until done with school and could get my job.

Thank you all for the support! I have looked into many things, none of them are coming through. The sadest part is soc sec told me I can't even collect the $255 death benefit because we hadn't been married for 9 months. It's all crazy, if your married, your married and you should be able to get your spouse's benefits, pensions, soc sec.and so on, especially when you have been together for as many years as we had been, and when you are their care giver through a terminal illness, too. I would do it all again, even if it came to where I am right now, but it just plain sucks to know being his wife ment so little after he was gone. Sorry, I am just so frustrated and don't have any one to turn to for help, and just scaried right now. Lossing Jim already made me feel out of control, and now I feel like I'm in a huge tail spin and just can't gain any sense of control.

Yeah, Jim was a vet, but they told me since we haven't been married for at least a yr there is nothing they can do to help. I was suppose to get his survivor's pention, but I guess marriage is only to get and have to pay the bills left behind, it protected him and I would do it again. We were together for 5 yrs, and didn't feel me needed to get married, we were already commited to each other, but in Feb. he asked me to marry him and we got married in March, and he passed on our 1 month anniv. We both thought we would have more time as a married couple, and when we filled out papers for his VA pention they knew how long we had been married and told me it would just convert to the survivors benefit when he passed, and if it didn't go through before he passed, I would just have to apply for survivor bebefits. All were lies, and I can't work until I am finished with my schooling in 2 1/2 yrs, do to my own health issues. I don't have enough credits to get soc sec, so I feel hopeless and will soon be homeless and won't even be able to finish school if homeless. Sorry, just in panic mode.

Lina, I so relate to all the things you are saying! I think you lost Arthur just a week before I lost Jim. I still have a hard time going into the bedroom, can't sleep in the bed yet, maybe never. I sleep in the recliner or on the couch, when I can sleep. I am even having a hard time making a cup of tea, can't even cook a meal yet, as Jim and I use to cook together and he loved to eat my cooking. I wonder around lost and frustrated too that others complain about their spouses, when I would take on all the pain and suffering he went through and give anything to have him back with me. I have family who tell me "well you knew it was coming, so just get on with your life" and to put all pictures and things from him away and move on. I don't know how they cann be so cold and unfeeling. Just know I get what your saying and feeling, even though you lost your spouse quickly and mine was terminal the loss is just as deep and painful. amw

Congradulations! Going back as an older student in ways gives us an advantage and a harder time, I know as I too an an older student, but am going into Social Work specifically grief counseling and hospice work. We know why we are there, and what we want, were as the 20 something students are still trying to decide what to do with their lives. Best of luck as you go into your new field! amw

Mary, You are taking your baby steps and doing what you need to do for yourself! Good for you, all new steps are some what scary, but I know you will do fine! Your in my thoughts and prayers as you take these new steps! amw

I have so many mixed emotions from the past almost three weeks. Tomorrow Jim will be gone now three weeks. Some family and friends tell me well you knew this was coming, others tell me to put all pictures of him away and get on with my life. Then there is all the financial stuff that he thought was in place for me, that I am now finding out I can't even get, but yet I am responsible for all the bills coming in. I worry that I am going to loss the little bit I have, and will be homeless soon. This is the scariest part. Every where I turn I am being turned down for help, and I had a hard time asking in the first place, but the way they treat you is horrible. I have no one now that Jim is gone, and I know he would be so upset to know we were lied to about what would be there to take care of me after he was gone. People tell me I will just have to lower my standards, but the only standards I have is I refuse to get rid of my (our baby) dog, and I need to feel safe where I live, and I won't live in a rodent and bug infested place. I don't think those are to high. I just don't know what to do any more, nothing is going right and the walls are crumbling around me. I know part of it is the grief, but there is just so much more happening so fast and soon if I can't pay the bills will be evicted.

Lina I just lost my huband two weeks ago, and even though he was sick for a short time and we knew he was terminal didn't change the shock of his passing. His doctors told us 6-8 months and he was gone in less than 2 months. The last two weeks went by so fast, and then he was gone. Taken from me way to soon, much quicker than anyone expected. I come home and expect to see him in his recliner watching tv, or want to tell him something that happened while I was out, or give him news from our friend, and yes I too still expect him to just come walking in the back door like he use to do. It is very hard when it keeps hitting like a ton of bricks over and over. My thoughts are with you as we both are going through this heart breaking experience. My words just can't say how much I truely get and feel what your saying and feeling. amw

Lance, I am so sorry for your loss! I just lost my husband from cancer two weeks ago, and I watch how it took him down so quickly, too! Cancer is a horable thing, and my deepest sympathy goes out to you. What you said makes a lot of sense, we probably would wear ourselves and our bank accounts out very quickly, so take one day at a time and keep living for the future. amw

Thanks KayC

Is there still anticipatory grief even after a loss? Because I know I am grieving over the loss of my husband, but I feel like I am still experiencing anticipatory grief over other stuff, mostly the financial stuff and the unknown. All the stuff I will have to handle that I am not aware of yet.

Thank you all for you support and understanding in this extremely difficult time. The past three days I have been so busy taking are of plans, arrangements and such, and friday I got to see his physical being (body) for the last time before his cremation. It was so hard to say goodbye, knowing I would never see him in a physical form again. Then saturday was his memorial service. I have to pick up his remains tomorrow, and I forgot all about it being my birthday. I don't know if I can do it on my birthday, there is nothing to celebrate this year, and I don't know if it will help or make it worse to pick up his ashes on my birthday. Today has been the first day since Jim passed that I have been alone, because of planning memorial and cremation stuff as well as other business, but now it has been hard and I feel so lonely and empty without him. I just walk around or sit here in a daze, can't get my thoughts together, my mind is racing around so many things that need to be done, yet I can't seem to be able to do them. Time is a wierd thing right now, too. One minute it's 7:30 a.m. and the next it's 10:45 p.m., I don't know where it is going and how I haven't got much done in that time that has passed, yet I am so tired. I don't know what to think or feel right now, and wish I couldn't feel anything because this pain is just to much, to deep, to real.

Thank you.

Mary, I have been thinking for the past few weeks, before Jim passed. I didn't want to get rid of his stuff either, including his clothes. So, I have a few friends that make quilts and plan to ask them to take some of Jim's clothes and make a quilt or two for me and one for Chloe. There are certain pieces I want to keep as they are, but this way I feel it will be kind of like him wraping himself around me. I find myself putting on his shirt today, it some how made me feel closer to him, or that he was with me. You have to take all the time you need for yourself, and to decide what to do with Bill's clothes and tools and such in your own time and do what you wish with them, no matter what anyone else says. amw

Yesterday Jim and I have been married 1 month, the painful part is that he passed at 6:02 am. We have been together for 5 yrs but it seems longer, but in a good way!!!If a person would meet us for the first time they would say they thought we seemed to have been together at least 15 or 20 yrs. I wish we could of been. My heart is missing now, as he took it with him when he passed. It was so hard to come home to see his meds, medical equipment and wedding pictures and him not to be here! The only comfort I get from his passing is that I know he will not have any more pain and suffering. His cancer was just so aggressive and rampidly distroyed his body. But, he never gave up until he took his last breath, and he did everything his way and made his own desitions until just 48 hrs before he died, as at that point he was in a state he could not communicate and needed me to take over. I have so many mixed emotions right now, I just wanted to be with him for a while after he passed, and everything including that small amount of time just went way to fast. If I could take every bit of his pain away that he suffered in the past you I would, just to have him back with me. I JUST WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KayC, You are so right with everything you said, I remember having my two small children to care for while taking care of my mom for 2 years while she went through cancer and tratments and such. It was a very difficult time and my father couldn't handle it. But, when you are losing your life partner, the one you share your entire world weather quick or over the longer illness it is that much more devistating. I'm so sorry you lost George so quickly, and wish I could give you and he more time together and that one last talk. I know how important it was for me to hear certain things from Jim, and he tried to tell me last week while he was in the hospice unit. He is to the point he only mumbles now and it is hard to make sense of what he is trying to get out, I mostly get blank stares and head nods. I believe that we will see them again, too! Jim told me he will watch over me and be my guardian angel, which gave me some comfort to know he still wants to try and protect me.

KayC, Thanks for saying that! I would like to think so too! I try to cherish even the most difficult times we are going through, because at least we are going through it together.

Mary, Half the battle is being able to keep a sense of humor, through the tough times. I know the first trip I have to take with out Jim I would be having the same reaction. They some how infuse themselves into our heart and soul, and nothing is ever the same after that, because they become a part of us, just as we become a part of them. Go easy on yourself, when we do things for the first time or so after lossing a spouse it's as if we have lost them all over again. Your in my thoughts amw

Mary, My heart aches for you having to go through this rough time. Even though we have to take steps down that new path of being alone, doesn't make them any easier. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you move forward on this new path and journey in your life, Bentley is lucky to have you! I'm sorry you had to be alone last night, but hope you gain peace and comfort when you are with your friends and return home. amw

I am working on trying to get a hard copy of the interview the local news channel did for our wedding. That way I can make back up copies and be able to play it any time I need to hear his voice. The pr people at the hospice we got married at is working on that for me, as well as getting copies of picture the newspapers took that day. Memories I will cherish forever. I know we need to make and preserve any memories we can, as we know all to well just how short life is, and we can't get those things back once our loved one is gone. It is sad, I agree that his children did what they did, and are not here for the father that has always been there for them. But, as you said, they will regret it down the road, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. I wouldn't of ever let him go through this alone, no matter how hard it my be on me and my heart I made him a promise many years ago at a deny's resturant when we seen an elderly couple come in arm in arm, one using a walker and the other a cane helping each other to their table. We both agreed that was what we wanted, and when he was diagnosed I told him again, even thought he tried to push me away, I'm not going anywhere I'm here for the long haul! I ment every word I said, even if it is difficult for me, it doesn't compare to what he has had to go through.

KayC, You couldn't speak truer words, they are irreplaceable. I have been sitting here today writing the thoughts that are flooding my mind as I watch him sleep. He is still here for now, yet so much of him is already gone. I feel so alone at times, try to keep busy with laundry and dishes and such. But there is only so much of it to be done, and I help him when he is awake, which is less and less. I look at him and realize soon I will never see him again, I try to etch every memory of his face, his eyes, his smile and even his voice so that I will never forget. I don't think it matters if it happens quickly or slowly we can never be prepared for lossing our partners and mates. And we never got the chance to have enough time with the ones we hold so close to our hearts, no matter how long we have been with them. Having a piece of them, such as a locket of hair can help, but can never replace them. I'm sorry things happened so quickly for you, yet don't wish the journey I'm on right now to anyone. Having them here, yet not here so to say is difficult. I could only imagine having George go quickly was just as hard. I'm so sorry.

Mary, I understand about the hair, I am doing the same, I have a plastic heart that is clear that opens up to place things in just a little larger than a locket. This is where I will put a small picture and his hair. We sound so similar in many ways, it's nice to know there is someone who truely gets you! Thanks for you e-mail, will try and send on this weekend. Have a great time in Colorado, I have never been there, but have some cousins there, maybe I will get there one day, too! amw