Beth M

Hi Leticia. I lost my dad in January, he was 65. I don't have the same experience as you of watching my dad get thin and frail, but I certainly saw him become less able to do things in the last few weeks before he got more sick. I had a really difficult time in the first few months and felt that my grief was always with me, my brain didn't work well and I didn't want to be around anyone if I didn't have to. I went to a Hospice counselor once because I wanted to have tools that allowed me not to be so consumed with my grief. What she said to do helped me, it may not you, but I will share what she told me. She had me make a box with my favorite memories of my dad. I filled my box with pictures and momentos that brought back strong positive memories, they also made me cry, but there were positive memories as well. She said during the day when I became overwhelmed with feelings of grief or simply just missed my dad to remind myself that I would have time later to think of these things. Then every night I gave myself 30 minutes away from my boys, my husband, the tv, the phone etc... and went through my box. This gives me uniterrupted time to really deal with the feelings that I am having but still allows me to be present for my family and school etc... I love that time with my memories and now there are nights it makes me laugh thinking of those memories, when I truly never thought I would want to laugh again. Give yourself time, your loss is so new. I miss my dad everyday, but you still have to live your life, my dad would be very angry with me if I didn't! Good luck, my thoughts are with you Beth

Hi Deb I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad in January, he was 64 and my parents had been together since they were 15. It's so hard to grieve yourself and also worry about your mom. I found that getting counseling for myself to give me permission to think about my needs and getting counseling for my mom has helped immensely. She still calls or texts 20-30 times a day and I feel as though I have become her parent, but the counseling has given me the tools to do what is best for not only her, but myself as well. Losing my dad has been life changing and is so very painful, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your famliy. Beth

Miss Ngu A year, what a difficult day, and to have it so close to mother's day, I am sure that your heart is filled with grief and sadness. I hope that you are able to think of some happy memories that you and your mom shared as well. Your words to missingdad are so helpful to many of us and I thank you for sharing. I can not imagine the feelings that went through you when your dad told you of his relationship, thinking of him moving on with someone has to be very difficult and strange, but you are right we don't get to run away. Although it would be nice to be able to once in awhile to have a reprieve from the world . I agree with you that learning to live without our parents will be a day to day journey. There are certainly days I am able to smile and think of great things about my dad and things I did with my dad and other days that I see, smell or hear something that brings to the forefront that overwhelming knee buckling grief that we have all experienced. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I am sure this weekend will be very difficult. Beth

Hi Miss Ngu Thank you for your post, it is a great way to know that I am not alone in these feelings, while I am sorry that you are experiencing them too, there is a sense of relief to know I am not the only one feeling them. I never expected with a husband, kids, co workers, friends etc.. that I would have these feelings of isolation and loneliness, another tough life lesson I guess. I am sorry that we share these feelings, it seeems to compound the sense of loss we already feel from losing someone we love so much! My dad would be upset that I am sad and lonely, and he too would want me to be happy, but it is a difficult thing to do at times. When my kids have a good baseball game, I pick up the phone to tell him about it. When I got honors in my grad classes I again picked up the phone to tell him and when your mind catches up and you realize he isn't there, it takes a bit of the happiness and excitement out of the event. I am sure this will get easier as so many people tell me, but for now it just reemphasizes what I have lost. I hope that today is a good day for you, thank you for posting, it is greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your reply, it does help to know I am not the only one with these feelings. I am not angry with anyone either, at times disappointed that I have to "hide" my feelings and emotions, but not angry. I understand that everyone elses life goes on, just hard to have mine go on "normally" when I am missing a part of who I am. While I am grateful to know I am not alone with my feelings, I am sorry that you too are feeing this way, it is an unexpected revelation for me that along with the grief of losing my dad is the sense of isolation and loneliness. I too continue to cheer at the baseball games and celebrate anniversaries and birthdays, but always in my mind is the missing piece that is my dad. I keep hearing that I need to move on, and I am sure at some point I will be able to make amends with this huge sense of loss, but I am never going to be the same person I was. There has certainly been a lot of growing for me in the last 4 months and to say along with that growth has been some growing pains would be an understatement LOL. Hope that your daughter has an amazing birthday and you are able to find a way to enjoy it and have your dad be a part of it even though he isn't there. For my 40th I am going golfing before the party that my husband and kids are giving me and am going to do all my putting with my dad's left handed putter (I'm right handed), if that doesn't make me laugh nothing will LOL

I lost my dad a few months ago and I am amazed at how lonely grief is. Losing my dad has been overwhelming and heartbreaking, but as the months have passed added to that is loneliness. I have a support system and people who love me, but it feels like I can no longer talk to them about losing my dad. He was my touch stone and losing him has really shaken me. But, it seems that people no longer want to discuss it, or if it is brought up all you see is a look of pity on their face and a quick change of topic. I keep up a strong face and grieve quietly because it's easier than the conflict that occurs if my grief is visible. My 40th birthday is in 12 days and I gradute from Grad school in December, but for each of these things the first thing that comes to mind is that my dad won't be there, and a sense of loneliness envelopes me. I thank each of you on this forum for the opportunity to voice my feelings without feeling like I am bringing anyone else down. Thank you!

Thank you, I am fortunate to have had such a wonderful father who was there for my wedding, kids etc...but there are times when I feel like I was still cheated out of a lot of time. I am SO thankful that he never suffered and that I was able to be there with him and fulfill his request to me that he wouldn't suffer, but as we have both said, there are times the pain of losing him kicks me in the gut and brings me to my knees. I have decided some of the issue for me is that I have NO control. I am used to being in control of my thoughts and emotions, and grief takes that control away from you. We can't decide that at 5 months we are going to be ok, or that today is going to be a day that I don't let it "get" to me, we have to relinquish control and just feel what we need to feel, and that has been difficult to do. I am glad that you are starting to feel better, as am I, but then some days I feel worse, and I guess that has to be OK. Hope you are having a good week and are finding reasons to smile. My mom gave me a box of momentos from my childhood today....that brought many smiles though the tears Have a good monday and thanks for your responses!

I think it's probably a good idea not to have an anniversary every month as well, but at this point it's impossible not to think about it. My 17 year old niece was killed on friday the 13th 2 years ago and my dad died on friday the 13th 3 months ago, so it's even harder when it's a friday the 13th not to remember the anniversary. My dad was that person to me as well, always my biggest supporter and fan, I am sorry that you too have lost your dad. I hope that you are doing ok and you will be in my thoughts as well

It's been 3 months since I lost my dad. 3 months without hearng his voice or getting a hug. My heart is so heavy and I miss him so much. My mom has moved back home after staying with my family for the last 3 1/2 weeks. She has had some rough times this week, but am so proud of her for her strength. I'm having a tough time today of the anniversary of his death. I think those that love me think I should be more "over it", but sometimes the hurt kicks me right in the gut. I am thankful for this forum and thank each of you for being here. My thoughts are with each of you on your journey Beth

Thanks I have 7 more months and I will be a Nurse Practitioner, it's times like these that I get angry because my dad won't be there to see me meet that goal, but then remember he was my biggest cheerleader and would have been very proud of me for finally getting there. I did the one time in counseling and it was nice to just know I was "normal" LOL. This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Tomorrow is 3 months, I'd like to just not deal with the day, but as you know too well that's not an option. Sounds like you have a great support system with your family and staff/patients that will help you as well, but at the end of the day it's our own personal journey to walk through. Wouldn't it be nice to have a road map that tells us exactly how we will react and when things get better?!? I'm glad you feel that your anger is better. Good luck as time continues.

It's quite amazing how much of your day the grief can take up. The counselor I talked to was kind enough to help me with that, I am in grad school, work full time as an RN and have 3 boys and couldn't stop thinking about it all day. She said to set aside 20-30 minutes a night that was just for me to sit and grieve and look through momentos etc... This allowed me to put it away throughout the day and let me think and then at night to deal with my emotions. I am sure your grief and emotions about losing your dad are overwhelming at times, I hope that you can find away to grieve and still enjoy the life that you have. Good luck, you will all me in my thoughts. Beth

I am so sorry for your loss.I too lost my dad just 3 months ago at the age of 65. I am 38 and a self professed Daddy's girl and am too struggling with the loss of my dad. I vacilate between anger, distress and sadness. My husband has never lossed anyone in his life (thankfully) and has had a difficult time in seeing me struggle with my dads death. I found the best thing I have done to this point is go to a hospice grief counselor as it helped me to feel "normal" in my feelings and they gave me tools to help my husband/family/friends understand where I am. I too have many things going for me, but losing my dad has made it difficult to remember those positive things. I hope that you can find something or someone that helps, this journey is certainly a difficult and long one and having the tools to walk the journey has certainly helped me. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family! Beth

Niamh, Thank you for your kind words, it is definitely a difficult thing, on one hand you want to hear about the person you love, but on the other it is so very painful at times to remember that they are no longer with us. Thank you for your kindness. Hugs to you too!Beth

MartyT, THank you, I have suggested counseling to my mom and it is not something that she wants to do. I am seeing a grief counselor through our local hospice (I used to run an inpatient hospice unit) and have tried to get my mom to do the same. She finally went home two days ago after being with us for 19 days, she got much stronger while here and got lots of her "to do" list done. It has been a difficult journey to say the least. I appreciate this venue more than words can say and am thankful to have found it. Thank you for your kind words and support! Beth

Hello again, thank you to everyone on this site for being open and honest about their feelings, it has helped me greatly over the last two months My dad died two months ago at the age of 65, he was my foundation throughout my life and his death has really been difficult to say the least. My mom has stayed away from home since his death (he died 2 hours up north near their cabin). She decided to come back home 2 weeks ago to get things taken care of that had been pushed under the rug since his death. She didn't feel like she could stay at their house and asked if she could stay with my family and I ( 3 boys, my husband and a new puppy) for a few days. Of course, I told her she could. It has now been two weeks and I feel like I am drowning. I had found a way to live, go to grad school, work, teach and care for my family and cope with my grief in my own way. But, since she has been here all she talks about is my dad, his death, their life together etc.. I KNOW this is what she needs and I am glad I can be here for her, but it is constant pain with an open raw wound that keeps getting salt thrown on it over and over again. I can't and won't tell her to leave, but I'm not sure how to handle my own grief and hers. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you Beth

I am so very sorry for your losses, you are far to young to have lost both of your parents. I am going to be 40 and just lost my dad and feel to young to have lost him, I can not imagine losing both parents at such a young age. You and your sister will be in my thoughts. I hope that this site will help you to talk about your thoughts and feelings. I have found it helpful in order to know that others are feeling some of the same emotions. Know there are many who don't know you who are thinking of you and wishing you comfort and peace. Beth

Oh Crystal, I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad, I do understand. It's hard to explain that kind of pain to anyone who hasn't had this kind of loss. Like your mom, my dad was that go to person for me. My dad had pulmonary fibrosis which is similar to your mom's COPD, and I too knew I was going to lose my dad, but there is certainly no way to prepare for it. I did go and talk to a grief counselor as I was becoming very frustrated with my brain not working ( I work full time as an RN and am in grad school so I needed my brain to start working!), and her advice did help. She said to make a box of memories of my dad and each night set aside 20-30 minutes that was just for me to grieve, no kids, no homework, no phone etc... and to take this time to go through my box, or journal, or talk to my dad but that this was just my time to grieve. It has helped to set this time aside for myself. I was a single mom for 9 years up until last year and so I know how hard it is to find time for yourself, maybe this would help you to have a specific time that is for you and your mom. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time, and I too am here to listen if you need to talk. This site has been so very helpful for me and am glad I found it! Hope you are able to find a reason to smile today (I have started making myself think of at least one thing that my dad did to make me smile or laugh when I am having the worst of times with my grief....laughter through tears!) Thank you again for listening. Beth

Niamh Thank you so much for your kind words, and I am sorry for the loss of your dad, there is certainly nothing in this life that prepares you for that loss! I'm glad to be on this site and know that what I am feeling is "normal" lol Those in my life who have not had this loss, just seem to think this should just go away. My 12 year old son won his basketball tournament yesterday and the first person I went to call was my dad..... Being up north for his birthday was good for my boys and for my mom, they felt a sense of peace and enjoyed riding four wheelers and shooting his guns. It was nice to see my boys doing the things that my dad taught them to do, but agonizing knowing he wasn't there and was never going to be there again. My mom had a birthday cake and wanted us to sing Happy Birthday to him, I did it for her, but the tsunami of emotions that overcame me was overwhelming. Thank you very much for your thoughts and good wishes, it certainly helps to be able to express myself and know that there are many who understand. Thank you. Beth

Thank you very much, this site has been very helpful. Beth

I lost dad on January 13th 2012, just yesterday it seems, not 6 weeks ago. Tomorrow is his 66th birthday. I am taking my boys and I up north to spend the day with my mom. I am dreading every second of it. I know I need to be there for my mom, but I feel like I just want to be alone with my grief. I will go, and I will support her and I will be there so my boys can shoot their guns that my dad gave them etc... but I feel like I am smothering just thinking about being there on a day that we would normally be doing those things with my dad. The books I have read and those I have talked to that have been in this situation say to just keep talking about your feelings.....don't any of you ever feel like those around your are simply tired of you talking about it? I feel like that. I am surrounded by people who care about me, but feel very alone.. Thanks for listening.

I am so sorry that you have had to endure the loss of both parents, my heartfelt sympathy. I have just lost my dad and can not imagine the pain you have with losing both of your parents. My loneliness is very odd to me, as I am still surrounded by people who love and care for me, but yet feel very very alone. Maybe it is because we have to walk our own path of grief at our own pace and with our own thoughts. I hope that you are able to find peace in your memories. Beth

Ron Thank you very much for your insight and kind words, it is helpful and healing to know that I am not alone in this and that others feel the same. I am very sorry for the loss of your mom, and the word crushing is a great adjective to define the emotions that go with losing a parent. I know that being there for my dad and helping him make those final decisions was what I was supposed to do and that it was right for him, there are just times that I close my eyes and I see that pleading look in his making me promise not to let him suffer and the little girl in me who placed her daddy up on a pedestal just kind of collapses into pool of sorrow. I have tried to journal, because in the past this has helped, but right now it's just too big, that's why I thought this forum would be helpful and it has been. I am in grad school, work fulltime as an RN, teach nursing school, have 3 boys and an extended family that turns to me to "fix" things for them and I simply just want the world to stop for a minute so I can breathe...unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I am going today to buy a stationary bike to try and use exercise time to clear my mind. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it's greatly appreciated. Beth

long goodbye, Thank you for your kind words, I too am sorry for the loss of your father, not a "club" anyone wants to be a part of. I keep my emotions close to my heart as well, but get the response that "you're just not yourself"...of course I'm not, it's like a piece of me is missing. I think people can make this process harder by putting their expectations of how we should grieve on us, I was a hospice nurse for 5 years at the beginning of my nursing career and know that everyone walks the path of grief differently, but with losing my dad it no longer feels like a path but an obstacle course that takes all of my energy to survive. I know it is early on, I guess I just thought I would handle this differently. Maybe I am putting to much pressure on myself... LOL wouldn't that be something... I am sorry for your loss, and I appreciate you taking the time to answer my post, I have only been on here a day, and I feel better just knowing others are going through the same kind of emotions. Thank you.

Hello all, I just joined this forum. I lost my dad 4 weeks ago, his 66th birthday would have been on the 25th of this month. He has always been my rock, my biggest fan, my hero, I'm sure that sounds odd from a 39 year old, but it's what he has always been for me. I have been an RN for 18 years and in 9 months will graduate as a Nurse Practitioner. I have always been the "go to" person in the family, but find that role right now very overwhelming and next to impossible to fulfill. My dad was diagnosed last february with pulmonary fibrosis, the diagnosis came out of nowhere, he was an active business owner who golfed 36 holes a golf a week. When he ended up in the hospital my family and dad were all so excited that it wasn't cancer, but I knew this diagnosis was just as bad if not worse as it is progressive and without treatment. My dad lived the last 10 months on oxygen and large doses of steroids, but he LIVED, still golfing, teaching my boys to hunt etc... He got sick on New Year's day and was admitted to the hospital, and while my mom and sisters felt that this was a set back, my gut knew it was the beginning of the end. On the 11th my mom called me to the hospital as my dad had a "bad episode". I knew he was dying. No one had talked to my dad about his wishes, the dr's talked about putting him on a ventilator as though this would cure him, when in reality if he went on, he would never come off and would end up living/dying on it. My dad is someone who would NEVER want to live his life confined to a chair or on a machine. So, I talked to my dad about his wishes, discussed the options that the dr's had given him and he chose to make himself a do not resuscitate and under no circumstances was he to be put on a vent. While everyone says I gave my dad a gift by having this conversation with him, it is not something as a daughter I ever wanted to do, how do you make it ok in your head that basically I told my dad he was going to die. The next day when my mom was not in the room my dad took my hand and looked me in the eye with a pleading look and made me promise that he wouldn't suffer...my heart broke into a million pieces. I made that promise to my dad with a shaky tearful voice but I made it and he died peacefully about 10 hours later. My parents have been together since they were 15 (50 years) and this loss for my mom is enormous. I have dealt with death so often in my career and life (my 17 year old niece was killed 2 years ago and I lost my grandma 8 months ago on my birthday), but nothing could prepare me for this, I am shocked with the depth of my grief and how very out of control I feel with me emotions. I am normally a very low key rational person, but the waves of grief that come at me are something I have no control over. I am sure everyone around me is tired of hearing about it, tired of seeing me cry and shocked at my inability to "get it together", so I thought maybe this forum would give me an avenue to hear and read about others that are feeling the same. Thank you for the avenue to express myself. Beth