Manquer
I am so sorry for you lost. I lost my mum to cancer 4 years ago, and I lost my dad 6 months after my mum die, he die of heart attack in his sleep.
I thought I had grieved for them, I cried for weeks, but 4 years later, I could not sleep at night, having bad panic attacks, anxiety and paranoia. Me and my therapist eventually found out I had delayed grief. And I am just beginning to grief for the loss of my parents. I have not had a single dry eyes day for the past two weeks, I listened to sad songs and just cry. And crying is cleansing, believe me.
I am 38, and most of my friends have not lost their parents, I felt very alone in my grief, too.
I may not have been long in my grief journey, but I have learnt that grief is there to help us heal. It is painful, heart wrenching and sometimes it felt like you are losing yourself, but it is actually helping and teaching you about healing and growth.
I learnt a lot about myself through this grief journey, and I learnt that my anxiety (which I dread as it is immensely uncomfortable), is about suppressed emotions (like a bottled-up emotion bottle ready to burst). If I let it out, if i cry it out, it's gone. It will come back, and I will drain it again, and I trust one day the emotion bottle will be drained completely.
Grief triggered all sort of emotions, and you sometimes don't quite feel yourself, but I want to assure you it is all normal. It is all grief. Find a friend who is understanding, and just talk and cry it out, or talk to a therapist, who can give you a helping hand when you need one. Or write to this site, we all been through it and will be here for you.
I processed a lot of my grief by reading about other people's post on this site, and I write about my mum and dad and have the good old fashion cry. Grief will take as long as it takes, don't rush it, and let the flow take you.
I read this poem from a site I can not recall, it had really touched me and I carried it around with me in my wallet and read it everynight. Hope it will help you too.
I will come to you in your sleep
And lie awhile next to your gentle breath
I lay my head down next to yours and feel the beat of the heart that's broken.
I feel the ache within you and gently breathe life back into your hurt
I give you my love, I give you my heart and I leave you with hope
And when you awake, you know not how
But your life has been touched by the invisible presence of love
I will come to you in your sleep and rest with you awhile.
© Maureen Hunter