Lina

I understand, I am now older then Arthur was when he died. He was 36, I had my birthday this June and turned 37. He would have turned 37 on October 23rd...I expect his birthday to be pretty hard. His mom, sister, my daughter and I are going to celebrate it together. *hugs*

I also have found I seem to collect books on grief. I can only read them for short bits of time and then I need to take a break so that I can not think about it for a bit before going back to my grief work again.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West.

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden

Beautiful

I agree...being needed is what has kept me putting on foot in front of the other when things are at their worst. There are days when I don't want to try anymore, but my daughter still needs me, the pets need me and they are the reason I do not feel quite as alone.

I tend to think that Arthur's mom is the one person who experienced Arthur's loss as deeply as I did...which is kind of silly I suppose...his siblings miss him horribly and are having a hard time with this also...and my daughter lost her 'heart' daddy and misses him horribly...but I still feel a special connection with his mom over this...she lost her baby and I lost my husband....my soul mate...the one person who made me feel complete.

My daughter had her allergy testing this week and she is NOT allergic to our pets. She is allergic to grass, quite a few weeds and tree pollens. I am so happy about this. I was so scared we were going to have to let go of our pets...after losing Arthur the idea of having to let go of any more of our family was so upsetting.

I know this is not on topic, but I mentioned my fear a while back and figured I would share this.

I saw Arthur's mom today. It is so nice that his family still includes us and counts us as family. I was worried they would disappear on us and they haven't.

I am sorry I have not been posting much lately, I have been feeling pretty depressed, stressed and overwhelmed. I know I will get through this, but the last couple of weeks has been a dip (my mom says life comes in dips and waves...dips are when things are hard and waves are when your life is full of joy and happiness.)

*hugs* and Love....

Lina

I worry about the dog.It sounds silly to worry about that, I know, but I hate to see her alone all day and all evening. I haven't been able to find a dog sitter.

I am sorry to only focus on this one thing...but it occurred to me that if you are mostly concerned about leaving your dog alone you should consider getting a second dog. Truly two dogs are not much more work then one and having a buddy will mean your dog is not alone. I do not know if Norway has dog rescues all over the way we do here in the States, but if you could find an adult dog who already has basic manners it would not be a hard transition. *hugs*

Thank you for sharing that. It is beautiful.

I wrote a list of memories...just random things that I never wanted to forget...I do think it helped me. It made me feel more confident that I will never forget which was one of my biggest fears. My situation is a bit different then yours though since my time with my beloved was a lot briefer...we did not even have two years from the time of our first date until he died...so I was very scared that I would wake up one day and find my Arthur had been a dream and was not real at all.

I agree with you that more recent memories would be a good place to start. *hugs*

At two weeks grief is very raw. My suggestion is to just do your best to get through each day. Do only what is absolutely necessary. Try to eat, sleep and drink some water. Take time to breath, to cry and to feel.

Truly for me the first month is a dull blur. I focused only on putting one foot in front of the other. As time goes on you can focus on more...but truly that first couple of months it is all about surviving.

My husband has been gone for just over four months and I still feel like a wreck and expect to do so for a while, but now I can see small beauties in this world and I try to focus on those. Truly start small. Try to notice the sky, a pretty flower or whatever catches your fancy. For me I had to seek reasons to live and to be happy. It is not easy.

In many ways intense grief is like being thrown into the water when you don't know how to swim...you start to drown at first and then if you work hard enough and get enough help you start to learn how to tread water...you may go under sometimes, but eventually you will hopefully learn how to swim.

I truly am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Since Arthur died I have found myself so much more paranoid about things. Yesterday I woke up feeling odd....tired and dizzy with a head ache...I ended up sleeping most of the day and it was not till evening that I thought to check my temp and discovered I have a mild fever (101.4)...before then I kept on finding myself wondering if I had a brain tumor or some other terminal disease that would kill me.

It seems that the slightest thing sends my mind racing towards doom and gloom....and has me at deaths door. I am so paranoid I will die and leave my daughter to the mercies of my ex. I talked to my lawyer to see if I could 'assign' custody in my will, but in my state it does not matter what I put down as my wishes...the bio parent always has first rights...even though my daughter has said she wants to go to Nana if anything happens to me.

If he were a good parent I would be fine with this, but I shudder at what her life would be like and who she would be allowed to grow up to be if he got custody of her. I am scared to die and leave her and since Arthur's death life seems so horribly fragile. I keep on telling myself I just need to stay alive another nine years and then she will be safe and will be able to make choices for herself. I would like to live longer than that...but nine years will get her to 18 and legal adulthood.

Am I the only one whose mortality seems a little too obvious since losing their beloved?

I am sending prayers and hugs

I don't think any marriage is perfect. Mine wasn't. Arthur and I had to work through a lot to get to a good point. The last three months were wonderful, but it took us work to get there and I know that we would have had more dips if he had lived longer. Relationships are like that...there are dips and waves. I am grateful he died during a wave when everything was going wonderfully so the memories that are closest to the surface are all positive.

We had times where I got really frustrated by his tendency to hold everything in. When something was bothering him he wouldn't tell me. It usually took me nagging at him to get him to talk to me. Arthur had PTSD from his time in the Army and as a result he experienced a lot of paranoia and depression. I have tendencies toward anxiety and due to a really bad first marriage a lot of self doubt.

I know when someone we love dies we all have a tendency to talk about only the positive as though our departed was a saint and our relationship was perfect...but Arthur was a real person and our relationship was a real relationship. Please don't think you are the only person who was imperfect. We are people with good points and bad...that is what makes us all interesting.

As for guilt...I had a lot of survivors guilt after Arthur died. He always worked to be healthy and honestly I am a lot less motivated. I don't exercise a tenth as much as he did and I eat way too much sugar and junk food...and yet I am the one alive and he is the one who dropped dead at 37...it just does not seem fair.

What I have tried to do is focus on how Arthur would feel...would he be angry at me for living, would he want me to dedicate the rest of my life to his memory, or would he want me to do my best to heal and be happy...to fight to find joy in my life? I know that Arthur loved me. He considered me his "happy place" and while things were not perfect he would not be looking down at me finding fault.

*hugs*

We will be celebrating Arthur's 37th birthday in October. My daughter and I will be joining his mother and sisters for the day. We are planning on spending it together, talking about him, remembering him, loving him and celebrating his life. This first birthday will be very hard, but I am glad I am going to be spending it with people who loved him as much as I do.

I do believe our loved ones watch out for us. *hugs*

That sounds like anxiety, Lina. I take Buspar for it, also non-addictive and it is in a class of it's own, safe. I wouldn't want something strong that made me a zombie, but this has helped me so much I don't ever want to go off of it...but then I've been diagnosed with GAD so I do need it.

I am sure a lot of it is anxiety. I am prone to it and was having panic attacks a few months before Arthur died. They have come back since his death.

You are not alone in wanting to jump into something to make things better...I did briefly consider a relationship to fix me, but realized that would not help...however I did cut off my hair, get two new tattoos and seriously considered buying a new car (thankfully I talked myself out of that because I can neither afford it nor do I need it)...oh and I am getting two kittens once they are old enough and have considered knocking out a wall in my house...will any of this fix things...ummmm....nope...but I still find myself restlessly trying to change my life so that things will feel better...so I will stop hurting.

I am getting some sleep...normally around 4-5 hours a day. I just have such a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep...I often wake up either hourly or even every half hour.

Thank you for the suggestions, the compassion and for sharing that I am not alone in this....though I am sorry others also have this problem.

I am so glad you went. *hugs*

Thanks for the hugs! I actually read up on the months I've missed here and read a couple of your posts. I just wanted to tell you, you are a strong, intelligent woman. The first couple of months are the worst, but I know you and your daughter will persevere this road block in life.

Thank you so much. Losing Arthur has been the hardest thing I have ever lived through. Having Sophia has been what has kept me going. I feel such compassion and grief for those going through this alone.

What a beautiful gift that one day was. *hugs* I have moments like that...not a whole day, but moments where I feel filled by and surrounded by my husbands love...when I can focus on the amazing gifts I received in getting to love him.

After almost four months of insomnia I am exhausted. My body has decided that enough is enough. For the last couple of days I have been feeling odd...tired and dizzy and spaced out. If I could I would sleep all day.

Also I have found I am incredibly paranoid about the people I love. For one moment yesterday I could not find my nine year old (she was fine) and it triggered hours of crying.

I feel so tired...physically, mentally and emotionally.

*giant hugs* I am so sorry. I would be angry also. You are not responsible for decision someone else made.

Please come here to talk about this...that is why this board is here and why we are all here. We need to talk about it and hearing what others are experiencing helps us all to know we are not alone.

I have also been experiencing a lot of depression...especially the last couple of days. It has almost been four months for me and I am also starting to realize he is not coming back. For a long time I found myself almost thinking about it as something I had to get through and then if I just made my way through, it would be ok, and he would be back somehow...obviously I knew rationally that was not possible, but the irrational parts of me seem to play all kinds of head games with me.

Sometimes I almost feel as though he is simply in the other part of the house and I find myself listening for him and watching for him to come around the corner.

Losing someone so amazingly dear and central to my being has proven to be almost more than I can take. There are days I do not feel sane and where I feel as though I am holding on to my last shreds of sanity. I don't let go because I have a nine year old who really needs me still.

Sorry for the rambling...I guess I am trying to say you are not alone.

As for looking at pictures...do so if YOU think it will help. I look back at old pictures from time to time...sometimes it helps and other times it feels like I am digging a knife into my heart and I just want to scream.

*hugs* I am so glad you made it through July and things will be calming down so you can take the time to heal and relax.