Lina

That was beautiful...thank you.

I suppose it sounds odd to compare losing ones spouse to a panic attack, but truly right now it feels similar. I feel like I can't breath, like I am being buried alive. One moment I want to hide in the closet and the next I want to run as far away as I can get. I have times when I want to just scream until no sound will come out anymore. The thought of never seeing Arthur again makes my skin feel like a million ants are crawling all over me or that my skin is too tight and I am being compressed.

I want to escape the knowledge that he is gone...that I am never going to get to hug him again, that I will never stroke his beautiful face or hear the beat of his heart. I realized that in a way grief is very selfish...while I know that others have been experiencing the loss of a lifemate since people first started falling in love...it feels as though I am the first to experience this...as though my experience is uniquely horrible. I have moments when I feel rage when others talk about how much they miss him and grieve for him....not at his mother...somehow she is the one other person that I feel can possibly grieve for him as much as I do.

Grief is horribly irrational.

I am so horribly sorry for you loss. Losing your beloved is gut wrenching and horrible. *hugs*

I have been offered antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, but decided to wait on that. A friend of mine did get antidepressants to help her after her father died. She says they have helped her feel a bit more functional.

Honestly some people are just better off keeping their mouths shut...seriously the nerve telling you to put his pictures away...that is just WRONG! I have not put away any picture...in fact I have put up MORE pictures. They comfort me. *hugs* I am so sorry.

The last two days have been hard...I was cleaning the bedroom....Arthur had more clothes than any one person needed. He kept anything that might eventually have some vague use. I put some of the excess into bags to donate to ARC. I did not pack up all his clothes and still have a pile of his shirts I refuse to wash (they still smell like him and there is no way I am going to wash that away.) I realized yesterday that eventually I will need to throw out his toothbrush and realized that there is no way I can do that just yet.

It is odd how such seemingly little things just tear at you. His green tea in the cabinet that he drank every morning...his toothbrush...changing the sheet (which I know I need to wash, but they were the ones he slept on last)....one of these days I am going to have to deal with these things.

*giant hugs* I think it is ridiculous that they have a minimum for how long you have to have been married. I was married to my husband for 10 months and 4 days...I kept on being told that I just made the cut off date which honestly was both a relief and infuriating.

I wish I had some ideas that would help.

Congratulations Dwayne...*hugs*

Mary, I am so glad you are taking this time. It sounds like you really need this so very much. *hugs*

Dave, I really hope they accept your offer. Living in the mountains sounds so soothing.

Today has been a kind of rough day so I don't really have any words right now, but wanted to send you some *hugs*.

I am so sorry for your loss...*hugs* This has been so terribly horrible. I truly had no idea how painful this was until I experienced it. *hugs* I guess you can't truly 'get it' until you have experienced this. I guess loss always feels like a shock when it is so close to our heart.

I told my mom today that I would happily trade in every possession I owned to have Arthur with me...I would rather be homeless with him, then in a house without him. I hate hearing people bitch about their spouse. It makes me mad...why couldn't they have lost their husband rather then me. (Does that make me a bad person?) I cherished every second I got with my husband and he died way too early...it is just so unfair...we had such a beautiful relationship, we were deeply committed to communication and were very supportive of each other and truly loved and liked each other so much...we did not even make it to our first wedding anniversary. He died April 8th...our first anniversary is June 5th...I would give anything and everything to have him there with me for our anniversary.

I am almost looking forward to the moment when I achieve acceptance...I still feel so angry and cheated...I have moments of wanting to scream at the universe. I want to stomp my foot and yell that it is not fair. There are other moments when I want to go to sleep and never wake up...I want to hide from everything and everyone. I truly did not know anything could hurt so much.

Kay you are not a wimp...this is a monster bigger and more fierce then I ever imagined. We all have to deal with it and fight it in our own way. If you can sleep in that recliner then that is far better then laying in a bed unable to sleep. *hugs*

Anne I agree...I want to be able to talk to Arthur about this so bad...our beloveds are the one person who is never supposed to leave. Arthur was my best friend...the person who could always make everything better. He helped the world make sense for me.

*hugs* I understand...we have to prepare for a future that might not even happen...it seems horribly ironic.

I am used to Arthur being gone during the day...5 out of 7 days he went off to work at the VA Hospital, but at night he should be home and that is when I struggle with loneliness and grief. It is at night when he should be here...when he should be watching TV for a titch to unwind, then getting ready for bed and finally snuggling down in our comfy cozy bed...that is when it feels so horribly wrong.

I have such a hard time going to bed knowing he is not there. I am used to going to sleep to the sound of him breathing at night...I am used to knowing I can just reach out and touch him if I want to...knowing that if I have a bad dream (which I am prone to) he will be there to wake me up. I have tried surrounding myself with pillows and I sleep with his shirt so that the bed does not feel so big and empty without him. He was a bed hog and would take up 2/3's...I feel like I am sleeping in the grand canyon...my bed is so huge, empty and lonely without him.

I have cats who sleep with me at night and that helps a tiny bit...but a cat does not replace a 6'4" beloved husband who seemed to big and healthy and real to be gone. Everyone sees me and talks to me during the day and they say I am doing so well and being so strong...but they don't see me at night when I can not stop crying and I can not go to bed. I stay up horribly late because I can not face that dang bed without him.

During the day I am numb...going about on autopilot...doing what needs to be done as best I can...but at night I feel gut shot...I feel like I am bleeding out and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am so sorry....*hugs* I am scared the future...I am still mostly numb with moments of piercing grief. I am scared of the moment when this all feels real. I am also greatly comforted by the idea of the afterlife. I have to believe we will see our beloveds again...it is what gives me hope and strength right now.

*hugs* I am glad she was able to say that to you at a time you were ready to hear it.

I am so thrilled to hear your day went so well. *hugs* Sometimes "nothing exciting" is the best thing...sounds peaceful and full of love.

In two years I have not forgotten anything about Bill, I remember more and more and keep a list of memories as they come up. Peace to your heart, Mary mfh

I am really praying I don't forget anything. I am writing things down as they come to mind. I have a folder on my computer full of quotes from his emails, short videos I took with my phone and bits and pieces of memories...even such silly things like how Arthur never brushed his teeth in the bathroom...during the summer he would wander around outside looking at his plants and in the winter he used would watch TV while brushing. He had so many wonderful quirks...I don't want to forget a single one. Thank you for the reassurance.

I am so sorry. I understand about being surrounded by memories...everywhere I turn I see echos of my husband. The loneliness is truly heart wrenching. I had no idea what this was like until I experienced. *hugs*

Happy Birthday...I am sending you many *hugs* and wishes for peace and healing this birthday.

Thank you guys, I am almost glad this is normal...sometimes I feel like I am going insane. It is like my mind and heart refuse to believe he is gone. He went off to work and was fine and then next thing I knew I was being told he was dead...it just does not seem possible. I kept on asking if the Sheriffs chaplain was sure...it just doesn't seem real. I feel like I am in shock still...I have moments of extreme grief and other moments where everything is numb and the world feels dream like. I wander through my day unsure what to do. I am still waiting for him to come home.

*hugs* I am so sorry.

*Hugs* Follow your heart, if you are not ready (or do not want to go) then you do not have to. I am so sorry the monument place is being so difficult.

Thank you so much for sharing these links and the book recommendations. I truly appreciate it very much. *hugs*

Is this normal...the moments of forgetting he is gone? It was all so sudden. Sometimes it does not feel real. My daughter and I will be doing our normal day stuff and I will think about how Arthur should be home in a few hours and then suddenly I remember he isn't coming home...he is never coming home. It is like learning for the first time all over again.

Arthur died three weeks ago...I saw him at the viewing. I touched his hair, his hand, stroked his face...he was not in there...but still it does not feel real. It is like that was someone else and MY Arthur is still out there somewhere...I am just waiting for him to come home. I feel like deep inside I don't really know he is gone. I am still waiting for him.

My whole body aches to hug him...I miss hugging him so bad. I miss his smell, the sound of his voice, holding his hand, being able to talk to him about my day and asking him about his. I miss all his quirks. I miss his smile. I miss how funny he was...he always brightened my day and made the world feel less serious and over whelming. I miss watching him with Sophia my daughter...he was able to be for her what I can't...silly, fun and light hearted.

I miss the hope and the dreams for the future. I miss planning for our 'forever home' and our future babies...I miss knowing I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. I miss him so much. He was my best friend, half of my heart and soul. I feel hollow without him.

It just seems so inconceivable that one moment he was here and the next he was gone. It just does not feel like it can be real. It does not seem like it can be possible. Surely something this horrible can't be real. I keep on waiting to wake up. I keep on waiting for him to wake me up from this nightmare and give me a hug and tell me everything is ok.