zeeks

Thank you all, there are no real answers...all the help and words in the world do not stop the pain...lately it seems life is so pointless and I am so very out of touch with reality. The only things I seem to go on for are my 2 granddaughters with which I have guardianship of... they are my daughters in my heart and head. If they can find life, and a mate in life that love them and which they love and feel as secure and safe with as I did and do my Roger, then it (life) has been worthwhile. If not then why do I still go on breathing? I am sorry, I just do not know where to turn... I hurt so impossibly bad... zeeks

I can not imagine face to face encounters with any soul. Being in this discussion group is as close as I have come to "sharing" Roger's death. It still sounds creepy to use that word, even after 6 years. For me, pretending is my solace in these years. His urn sits on the fireplace with the most current picture of him. I tried putting it away and life felt hopeless and unbearable. My girls, our girls are my only other solace. Putting all aspects of my life in them and the pretending he is still here. I have tried writing... but tears form, and not to show them to the girls I have broke from doing that. I am not sure there will ever be "relief" from this grief. Hoping that you will learn and share some of the coping stategies they teach you there. Good luck! You are very brave!!!Patty

I understand your pain and jealousy... but as you say, he is in Heaven and free from pain. Why we are left behind is most likely yet to be known. But if we have faith in God He will surely show us in time. Thank you for letting me know there are others like us out there.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Memories/216869758403497 I hope to see you there....it would be an honor.

The "Phantom Zone"; how profound. It is like you have read my mind. I think that may be just where I am and where I have been the last 6 years. Wonder if it will take as long as you to finally come to grips with my Roger's death? I hope not for my girls' sake... but I do wonder? Thank you, your story hit home and helped to see things in a newer light. Yes, it is a gift to be able to express our feelings here with responses. It makes us feel "normal" if only for a moment.

I understand, at my husand's funeral I can remember a friend of mine saying to my mother..."why is she not crying, " ...I did not really cry till almost 7 months later. It was if someone turned the faucet on and it stuck. It was impossible to breathe, to even see. I was told that the "shock" wore off, I do not know. All I know is ever since then life is empty and void. The only thing which keeps me breathing 6 years later is our granddaughters. We had guardianship of them their whole lives and I still do. My son, their father is still in the picture, ut they know nothing more than me ...than us, my husband and I. He was like their daddy for sure. The numbness seems to never end, ut eventually the tears dry up cause there are no more... then something new hits your heart. It is the memory I think, the time spent together and what we miss together. Rather miss sharing together. The hurt never seems to stop, but we cry for us and the fact they are not with us anymore. When in reality they feel no pain and are in Heaven with no tears, no sadness, no frustration nothing but smiles, happiness and contentment. We want to be with them, but God is not done with us yet evedentally. Hope I have helped and not made things worse... I do know the feeling for sure!

Lina, I am so very sorry that all you had together was 2 years. they say, quality not quaantity is what counts. I agree only to an extent... as we know the quality part with our loved ones, but need the quantity to feel "whole" again as well. I feel for you, not so much sympathy, but empathy! I know how" you feel not sorry for you in the sense that I know you knew you were loved and we both had that something special that others look all their lives for... we were the lucky ones. In the movie Steel Magnolias; they said 5 minutes of wonderful...rather than a lifetime of nothing special... it is true I believe...

You may not believe this...but from the moment Roger and I went out I knew! We were married just 2 months after meeting each other, and just missed our 22nd anniversary when he passed. The absolute best 22 years of my life!!!He taught me to be me, and to like myself for who I was... he was a saint!

That is so cool... I do not believe in tatoo's but something urged me to get one about 5 years prior to his passing. It was a feeling that I needed to immortalize him with me, to literally as well as figuativly be as one with him all of our days. To never forget! I have never regretted his name on my body once! He was an angel sent to live here on earth for a set amount of time then God took him home again. Roger was so perfect in everyway! I miss him so! Thank you for sharing, it is good to know there are other soulmates out there to.

Thank you, embracing is a kind way to look at things. This is something I shall surely try... thanks again.

You have mirrored the way I feel and have felt for so long. We need to find a way to subdue the saddness we feel, but how?

I believe the term "irrational" is an understatement! For I totally agree with youe analogy. It is as if life for the world goes on, yet you are stuck as if frozen in time. Feeling the "best" part of your life is gone with the wind so to speak. It has been 6 years for me, and although I have tried options to "get on with life" even for the sake of my girls, it is as if nothing I do changes the lonliness, the longing, the desire to have my "life" back. Roger was my life, my reason for being... Your statement hit home with me like nothing ever before...thank you.

I most certainly do... he was and is my husband always and forever! The only person in my life ever, which ever accepted me fully for me. He gave my life meaning and purpose. He taught me how to enjoy life, whether we had cash flow or not. The mere concept of just being with one another, celebration enough for us both. The gaining of a family, his son at age 8, my son in my eyes through birth as it may be... at least the way I felt. The raising of my 2 beautiful granddaughters through my son's lifestyle...all of this a blessing from God and my husband! It has been hard to even write or speak of how I feel, which is why I have not been on here very much. This step is like admitting he, my husband is gone. But in my heart he is still here. I tried to confide in another, which turned out to be a horrific mistake and hurt me to the point of no return. I have tried to make a web page on Facebook, to which no one has really entered to find out about. I created it to see if anyone felt or needed to respond to make themselves heal or feel better. Confusion encompasses me... it has affected an already shaky anxiety disorder, I have to remain strong for the girls and my son, but all I really want is to isolate myself and build a shrine to my husband. I am in college, online now, as I find it difficult to go out... my intention in the beginning was to get a business degree and open a restaurant in his memory. This looks futile at best as I will not have the money to begin this, or the psychological ability to enter society, as well as the collateral to get it off the ground. Everything to which I have tried to "go on" has become futil. I miss him so, it has been 6 years and the pain just does not subside no matter what I try to detur it... help!

Melina, I totally agree, nothing, no deterant will ever let us "escape" the lonliness we will always feel. It has been six years, and I try to make life "normal" for my granddaughters which we have raised, my late husband and I since their birth. Now it is me alone, nothing I have attempted eases that lonliness feeling...the feelings that I alone watch them grow, that he is missing so much. At least in human form. Roger was an angel sent from God ...he was here I guess for a short time to show me that I was worth loving, and that I could be accepted for me. As long as we had each other nothing mattered, being broke, or the things people said , nothing. He was my rock, my salvation next to God. I find myself putting the girls in his place, living only for them. For anything I have tried short of them never will heal the lonliness, it never fades, as depressing as that sounds. Hopefully I understand and get the meaning you had behind hte post and your own feelings. Let me know if I have also gone astray. Thank you, Zeeks1

the only thing about lonliness is that when you attempt to put yourself in yo something, be it like myself...I raise my twa geanddaughters, and enrolled in college for a business degree about two years after my husband passed. I seem to be finding out it was or is actually a deterrent from dealing with the pain. Mine is a very long and confusing story, and of all the deaths I have encountered, this one is the one I can not get a handle on. My son, (step sonthrough my late husband) lost his mother at age 8 which is how we were able to raise him, my husband and his biological father; then after he was grown he had children of his own, the second and third lost their mother, in a horrendous car accident in 2004. The eldest being 3 and the youngest, well, they buried her mother on her first birthday. Then there have been other deaths in my life, but it always seemed to be a "cyle" of life, I never truly got it until my husband died in May of 2006, I just underwent his 6th anniversary. He was like a father to my girls,(granddaughters) as they had always resided with us, the older all her life the younger from 11 months on. Now I have tried to center my mind on these things school and them, but the grief seems to be getting worse. There are other things which couple my depression in this area, but other than the girls noone not even my folks I feel hac=ve truly accepted and loved mr for me, no strings attached. Parents or most love out of redponsibility or obligstion never really accepting or wanting to know why or what makes their chils different. They just tend to them out of responsibility, obligation or guilt. This seems to amplify the grieving process, at least for me. For my Roger loved and accepted me for me! He was the only one, and so long as we were together I was happy and content, full of bliss needing no one. I still feel that way, but now I wrap myself in my girls, trying to give them free will and loving them no matter what so they can feel the peac e Roger made me always feel. but othe look on in pity, or chastise my decisions and the way I live, parenys everyone. It brings me to a new low and sadness as well as lonliness. How and what do I do? My esteem is melting away and how can I help my girls to remain strong if I fall. I also have an anxiety/panic disorder which is full bloom now. In hte first of the 4 years the girls and I rememv=ber little and bits come back as we can grasp them. So I do not know where to go now with this... any further questions or information needed to understand the feelings? If so email me questions and I will fill in the blanks, thanks.