Hello All,
For the last month or so this forum has been my saving grace. I cannot believe how grief can time and time again break a relationship up and after reading all the posts and seeking comfort i thought it was about time i asked for my own advice from you all.
So here it goes:
I'm 24, he's 33. My relationship was short but intense. I had never met anyone before that i was so certain was my future, and i for him. We had only been together a few months (long distance) when his mum's cancer returned and it was a battle she wasn't going to win. He moved back home and cared for her alone (as his dad had died when he was young also from cancer). For 3-4 months i dedicated my time and effort to him - supporting him, travelling to see him (vice-versa), being there for day she took a turn for the worse, leaving him and his family hours before she passed away because it wasn't my place to be there. I was his rock and in his own words got him through it all. I was there for the funeral, to pack her things up, to help.
In January he moved back to his home and we resumed long distance and that was the day he began to subtly back off or so i thought. He was still applying for jobs and talking of moving back but something in my gut wasn't right. I didn't handle the change very well and i was jealous and insecure, something i have owned up to and been trying to change for my own good. We argued but we were in love.
And then he became angrier and angrier. I tried to send him links to similar situations and sometimes he understood it could be grief that had made him changed but then he would say it was me, that he wasn't like this before he met me (he also still had a mother that was alive before he met me) and that i was blaming it on grief.
I knew the signs that it was going to end in a break up but i stuck it out and tried. I gave him space and asked for my own (which wasn't done successfully) and i tried to live my own life and make plans for myself as he was now saying he didn't want to be with me and didn't know if he wanted to move back anymore. Last week it went from space to break to break up in a matter of moments all via messages. He called and was his usual angry, childish self and said he wanted all his stuff back etc to which i calmly responded to by asking him to post my keys back to me and then we can go from there.
I was in shock but knew i had to force myself to accept it so went on Facebook and became single and blocked him for my own sanity. I received a couple of angry emails at work straight after telling me how quick i was to change it and shows who the immature one is and that he would post my keys the next day. I received a text from him the next day saying he hadn't had chance to post them and would do it the next day.
I haven't heard from him since until today when i received a package containing my keys and the keyring if us two that i attached when i gave them to him and a card that read:
Helena,
I’m so sorry that this is what it has come to.
I think about all the good times we had – and they were immense! But at the same time I cannot forget the bad times either. For me to question the relationship hurt; as it did you, but I also needed to be honest.
I’ve been thinking that after everything with my mum, I just need time and space to deal with it all. I need to be ‘shellfish’ which I know I can be (you told me often enough J). I just need to worry about me for a while.
I’m not saying I won’t live to regret this decision. I would never ask or expect you to ‘wait’ around while I decide/sort myself out.
I do genuinely love and care for you (despite what you think) and in time I hope that we can talk.
Those 4 months back in the UK were so challenging and you made it all the more easier…if you know what I mean.
I know I’m not your favourite person right now, but I just need to tell you how amazing you are!!
Love Always
Neil
X
What the hell am i supposed to do/feel/think now! I love this man but the person he has changed into i don't like. I knew i couldn't let him keep shouting and getting angry and that the only way forward after the break up was to have no contact, that the only way he could miss me and come back was for me to not be a doormat. He is fine to everyone else, he is happy and has fun but i have seen the change and it is me he is pushing away. He's so fine he has gone to Vegas with his friends on Holiday yesterday while i'm at home trying to make sense of what happened and how things have changed and how i've been pushed away. I'm a walking zombie just trying to get through each day and hoping he will realise what he has done, how he has changed and come back to me.
Any help and advice would be appreciated!
x
