GuiltHaunted

Hi KayC, How are you doing? Thanks for your reply once again. Yes it's a big and difficult step to finally letting go, and maybe you are right and it's about time. Seems like fate that she changed her last password yesterday, so I won't be able to see what see sees anymore (refering to the "don't ask" in the last post). I am so happy she did, the curiosity was too big before and I could hardly call her and ask her to change it. Now she removed the last option of keeping somewhat track of her. One day at a time. Actually I still sees when she is online and when she was last online in Whatsapp. It just feels too pathetic to look at, so I deleted her phone number once again, again again. Which means that she is out of my Whatsapp too, so I won't be able to see when she is online (she can still write me if she wants). Anyway, I guess this is all coming to an end, unless she makes a surprise appearance. In which case I will keep you updated. Will also check in from time to time to tell how I am doing. All the best to everyone.

Yes she sees the old "I love you" messages too (don't ask how I know). For me it's pretty sick to write a friendly message after a break up, below "I love you" and kiss smilies. Or what do you think? I am not interpreting anything into it, I just don't understand if she doesn't feel weird looking at it too? She has also unblocked me on Whatsapp again... She even changed her status to the same as mine. I just have a "." and have had that as long as I have been using Whatsapp (a year or more). She always had the standard status "Hey there, I am using Whatsapp". Her new bf the same standard status. It really bothers me that she picks the same status as me! I know it's ridiculous, but still when I see our names together, and her status the same as mine, it really bothers me!! Further development, I deleted her dead father as friend on FB (his profile is still online). None of us have been deleting common friends (only 5, including the father) since the breakup. She "responded" the day after, by deleting one of the common friends that she doesn't have contact with, and who is also a work colleague of mine (a pretty girl that is also a flight attendant and who worked in the company where me and my ex met). That girl is working in my present company now and is also doing some modeling - so just to provoke my ex, I "liked" some of her pictures, which I am sure turned up in her newsfeed). Short story, I am pretty sure my ex is keeping tracks of me on FB, and deleting that girl was a response to me deleting her father. I am getting a feeling that I should have responded to the message. And I shouldn't have deleted her father. I am NOT ready to cut contact. So I really am at a loss what to do. I wrote several messages to her, but I did not send either of them. Some of them tells her to stay away from me for ever, other how I feel and why she keeps contacting me. Should I keep waiting for her to contact me again? What if she think I moved on (because of no reply and deleting her father)? Or should I go out on a limp, and once AGAIN tell her how I feel, and ask her why she keeps in contact with me? Either way, I am concentrating on my work, and stay open to meeting someone else...

....another bizarre thing about the Facebook message, is that she wrote it below an old message from before we broke up. The old message: I (love) U (kiss)... with love being a heart smilie and kiss a kiss smilie. I mean, doesn't she think anything at all herself when seeing such conversation history....??? How can she continue such an old conversation, like it's the most natural thing in the world!

Hey Pollara, Good to hear from you. How are you doing? I forgot to write that she put in a smilie in the Facebook message too. Not that it makes any difference perhaps? Anyway, I am glad that I didn't reply to the message, I am actually considering to block her - for my own sake. If I block her and change my phone number, she has no way to reach me. If I make it impossible for her to get in touch with me, then I remove hope. I am not sure I am ready for it yet, but maybe I'll give it another thought in a week or two.

Didn't reply, it's been a week now and she didn't write again. Still curious about her motivation for writing, over a letter that she could have simply thrown away. Especially in that over-friendly tone, but she needs to give me more to suck me in again.

Latest development. I was missing her really bad the last days, had the last few days off and was just sitting around at home. Bad idea I know, but at least I keep active jogging and speaking on the phone with my mother or drinking coffee with my neighbor, whom I feel bad for calling just "neighbor", he has actually become a good friend by now. Anyway, yesterday I was sitting on my couch and thinking about her and how it would be to hold her hand. I closed my eyes, and I could swear that my hand was getting warmer. Later I called my mother and told her I had a feeling that I would hear from her soon. Then I had a need to see her, so I looked through all my photos of her, from vacations, birthdays etc. For the first time the photos didn't make me sad, but I actually smiled when looking through them, thinking about the nice moments. In the evening, I was preparing to go for a run, and a text message ticked in: "Hi, there is mail for you. Regards". At first I thought it was from my neighbor. I deleted her number from my phone, so the text didn't have a name, from my address book. So it took me a few seconds to realize that the number on the display was hers. It didn't come across as being we friendly, being very short and without my or her name. I went for my run, and about 2 hours later a message on Facebook. This time a bit longer: "Hi xxx, hope you are feeling well in your new apartment and that you are enjoying flying as a captain. I have a letter to you from xxx, would you like me to forward it to you (she doesn't have my address). Regards xxx" She specifically requested not to contact her! So, why is she writing now?? Ok, I can understand the text, because it was so short and neutral. But why the second message so shortly after. And then in a much friendlier tone, like she never asked that I didn't contact her again. If I told someone to stay away, I would bring the letter to the postoffice and tell that the recipient doesn't live at the address. Or I would throw it away. I don't understand... is my name still on her mailbox? I have no idea, and if so why wouldn't she have removed it. Seems like an excuse to resume contact, or am I over interpreting? It's hard to know what to do now, or how to reply, if at all. She told me who the letter was from, so I could just call them up and ask they send it again to my new address.

I know that what I write is confusing, and that is pretty much also a reflection of what goes on inside my head. But actually she DID get more independent, took more initiative an so on in the last years we were together. I wrote that previously before too, that she became a stronger person during our relationship. And also I wrote, that I liked that person she became more than the one I meet in the beginning. We even talked about that in the evenings following the breakup. Her reply was "I had to become a stronger person, because one needs to be strong to be together with you". She of course meant that in a negative manner, but I actually took that as a compliment. I am a strong person and like to be in control of my life, and I like people around me to be the same. It probably what hurts too, that I am not in control of the situation now. I miss her a lot, especially because I would have wanted to share all the experiences that I make professionally at the moment, with her. She knows how ambitious I am. Yesterday I had my 7th flight as a captain. Not one of the flights has been just ordinary. Yesterday during our approach we had really rough weather with rainstorms, had to do one go-around (aborted landing) first because the wind exceeded the limits of the aircraft for landing - to put in into perspective, several passengers vomitted and even a few lost contiousness (seriously!). Not withstanding passenger comfort I made absolutely the right decisions through out and made a perfect landing on the second attempt where the wind had died down, but still very close to our limits. I know how much she would have enjoyed to hear that story being a flight attendant herself. And I miss her the admiration that I always got from her (very egoistic, I know).

Thank for making me want to write all this.... I just took 10 min thinking after writing it. And I think I had an epiphany: She is not the right one! It came from the "I will always love and care for her". I asked myself "why?". And probably the answer lies in the fact that she is not that smart and always kind of helpless. I think she has activated a lot of fatherly instinct in me. And what hurts too is to see her make decisions that are not at all wise for her life. Not breaking up with me (though I think the sisters ex will have a tough time measuring up to me, sorry to sound like someone with an overinflated ego), but also keeping that house, needing to take two jobs and she is so fragile already, only thing left is that she gets pregnant and him then leaving her - and there would be material for a reality show. In the past when the topic of children came up in discussions, I would sometimes answer her "I already have a child", referring to her, which of course would piss her off. But perhaps there was somehow some truth to that. And maybe that is the reason too, that she broke up. Maybe someone on her own level would be better for her. Maybe paradoxically it would be better for her to be with someone who will support her stupid decisions, because at least the decisions will be hers. Together with me there were two options, either I ran the show or we would fight. In the good times we had, I ran the show... I want to find a strong woman, that can take care of herself, who is self confident, that has a grip on her own life (education and job that she finds stimulating) and that is happy about her own life in general (my ex was always complaining). With THAT woman I should get some children to satisfy my desire for playing dad. Universe, send her my way please. Now, I will go to bed and sleep on that, it's gotten pretty late - maybe I am just tired and have a completely other opinion about that tomorrow.

Hi again... Thanks for your replies again. I was staying away for a few days to try to take my mind in another direction. With somewhat success. Plus I had to fly a lot. I am even beginning to flirt with other women, fell into conversation with some girls on my last trip and ended up spending the evening in the hotel bar with them (drinking Coca-Cola, no stereotypes please). It was great, I didn't think about her for the whole evening. Then I had yesterday off and was sitting at home alone and got depressed again. Today before going to work, just flying as a passenger to another base, I all of a sudden started to cry. Later I fell into conversation with a woman on the plane and started flirting with her. It's not really normal for me to be that extroverted, I usually don't flirt much, in the last 4 years not at all, and even previously as a single I usually didn't approach strangers in that manner. It's such an emotional roller coaster, but atleast with more, and longer, highs than before. I feel pretty good most of the time, but get some really dark moments, but they are short in duration. KayC, You might be right that something was brewing inside her. About getting married, she is not a religious person, so I asked her on several occasions in the past why it was so important to her. People get divorced all the time, so in my opinion it doesn't make the relationship anymore certain. Theoretically, she might even have left me too if I had married her 2 years ago, so atleast I don't have to go through that now. I was considering taking up work in the Middle East last year, and asked her if she would come with me (which would include marriage, otherwise you can't live together there). My financial situation was pretty bad last year, and that was the only option I saw for improvement. She didn't want to come with me, but agreed I had to pursue the option and would have been willing to have a long distance relationship (atleast so she said). I was actually still pursuing that job, as her father died. When he died I immediately dropped those plans, because I knew there would be nobody to take care of her if I left her in Germany while going to the Middle East. With him alive, she would have had a home in Germany and not been alone when I was away. Dropping those plans, and her wanting to keep the house made the economical situation even worse. As you may remember I mentioned before, I worked far away from that house, which included a lot of commuting and hotel costs. Her father let both me and her live there free of change, so keeping the house would all of a sudden put a huge economical burden on us both. In March my present company unexpectedly started to expand (they told us the opposite all winter), and was looking to upgrade co-pilots to captains. To me that was the solution to all our problems (it's pretty much double the salary). It would solve the certainty if I could stay in Germany, if I could improve my already poor economical situation, and even commuting AND keeping her house. I put myself under so much pressure through the spring. I had a lot of test and I HAD to be successful. Combined with all the stress in the relationship, I lost 13 kg (29 lbs), and mind you I wasn't fat before. I am weighing the same now as when I was 18! Paradoxically I WAS successful and at the same day that I passed the last test, she broke up with me in the evening! So, KayC, the timing in this relationship was terribly off. Pollara, You are right, for that reason I couldn't accept her back if he dumps her. No way I will be there to help her heal a broken heart over somebody else. I am selfish too, and much worse that you. Contrary to you, I am hoping to get into another relationship as soon as possible. And yes to help me forget too (of course I am not jumping into ANY relationship, but I hope to meet the right person fast). It been exactly 3 months today, since she broke up with me. I am not a wreck anymore, like I was in the beginning. I can enjoy an evening in the company of other women, without thinking about her... I think what is left for me to get over her now, is to find someone else to sleep with, someone that would kiss me, look at me with loving eyes, hold me and answer my calls. I know it's very egotistical, and could case a problem if she did indeed then came back, because in that case someone would perhaps end up get their feelings hurt. But in all probability that someone would be her. I really do love her, but from the beginning was has scared me the most, is that I know the love for her is dying slowly. I mean, I will always continue to love and care forher, but the romantic love will die. And yes, I have come to a point now, where I am willing to help lead the knife. I just want to move on, with or without her. I want a normal happy life and joy of a partnership. I have an end day for my suffering set in mind, and that was from the beginning the end of October. This idea was first based on my experience in the past, 6 months was the time it took her to realize the mistake she made. If she hasn't come back before that date, I am moving on. It seems like you have a similar time limit set for yourself, when going home and I think that is healthy. Whether or not you should go out with someone, only you can decide. If you think you are going to spend the whole evening comparing him to your ex, it probably better not to. I know that, I won't, on the contrary, I would be interested in getting to know this new person sitting in front of me. I think was causes me to cry sometimes at the moment, is the feeling of failure, the feeling of injustice and the confusion about why she did all this.

Hi again, thanks for the replies. Pollera, I agree that in any relationship it's worse if one falls in love with someone else, than having sex with no feelings with someone else. Both are of course bad, but probably shows completely different problems in the relationship. If a one night stand is "an accident", it probably doesn't do as much damage. One falling in love with someone else, on the other hand makes it very difficult to salvage the relationship (my case as an example of that). Whether or not you can tolerate either, I guess depends on your personality. I never experienced someone being unfaithful to me, so I can't say how I would react to such situation. I did however, have a girlfriend leave me for another man before. A half a year later she came back to me (after 4 months of no contact) and left the other guy. She told me that her life had been hell the 6 months we were a part and she was missing me like crazy the whole time. For that reason I could forgive her, but the circumstances were a bit special in our relationship. We had been friends for years before the relationship and the other thing was that she was a lot older than I. Afterwards we had a casual relationship for a few years, and then decided mutually only to be friends again (there was never a second breakup). We still remain best friends, and she is one with whom I talk about my current problems regularly. For that reason, it is not a problem for me to get back together with my current ex again if she should decide so in the future (and I still have feelings for her at that point). To me it would be a great sign of love if she would decide for me again, since it would mean she would find me the better option and her feelings for me would have survived being with someone else that she at the moment is in love with. The fact that she would have had sex with someone else in the mean time, doesn't bother me. I am free to do what I want too. We both had other partners before the first relationship too. If we were to find together again, I would look at it like a new relationship, just like the first one - where both had other partners before. I have no idea if it will happen or not. Maybe she is like the girlfriends you have, and have no feelings towards me at this point, other than (unjustified) hate. I don't know, since she no longer communicates with me. :-( She has been switching between being extremely nice and being very hateful. I have asked her several times about her feelings, but she wouldn't talk about it. The only thing that I could get out of her was over a month ago when she said (with irritability in her voice, from me asking her) "You know me! I am not made of stone". That is the only thing she has said about how she feels about me since the breakup. I have poured my feelings out for her (big mistake I know). KayC (and Pollera), yes I don't know either if grief is related or not, that she has chosen him over me. But her grief certainly affected our relationship up to the point were she decided to break it off with me. And maybe I was too much part of the painful situation that she saw him as an escape to a more bearable life. Nobody except for her knows, and she won't talk about it (maybe she doesn't know either). I would really like to know, as it would be easier if she would have told me that she thought about hooking up with him and leaving me long before her father died. Then I would know that there is nothing more to come for. I guess that I will either get that answer in the future or I won't care anymore about the answer when time passes. But right now it bothers me not to know what led to this decision and how she actually feels. With the other woman that left me, and came back, I got all the answers. The underlying problem was lack of commitment (in retrospect due to the age difference) on my part, which led to a lot of fights. If you read my first post on relationshiptalk.net (linked in the first post http://www.relationshiptalk.net/gf-broke-up-after-father-died-ran-of-with-sisters-ex-gf-38040331.html), you can see that my recent relationship suffered from commitment problems from my side again, but due to me being in a foreign contry and uncertainty about my work situation and if I could stay at all. Staying together with her for almost 4 years and in the end moving in with her and her father, being by her side through the death of her father (until she shut me out) was my way of committing, but maybe this also plays a part and was not enough for her. I made sure to tell her many times, after her father died, that his death had made everything more serious for me and I was certain that I wanted my future with her, plus my work situation now has reached a point of stability that I could see myself having children with her. Before that all happened, our relationship was more like "let's take one day at the time", though I never gave her any reason to think I would jump ship at any time. Everything she wanted throughout the relationship, but where I was holding back, she could have now (not because of the breakup, I had those thoughts before and communicated them to her too). From "the messages", I can see that she wasn't listening (she wrote her sister that "I turned 180 degs and now wanted to get married an have children", after she broke up with me). I wasn't turning 180 degs, I told her that all the time after I moved in with her and after her father died. It's very ironic - she wanted a lot from me through the 4 years (marriage and kids), which I wasn't ready to give. Now I am, and she now she doesn't want it. KayC, you are 100% right, I have to focus on myself and that is what I'll do. And I am open to meeting another girl, and I hope that it will happen fast. I hope to meet someone where I afterwards think, "why was I making such a big fuss about losing her, she did me a favor!".

I can watch that without crying now, which is quite good since I enjoyed the song before she broke up with me :-)

Thanks KayC, I hope for good things for everyone here too. The strange thing in my case is, I want to get her back and at the same time find someone new. Maybe that's a good sign, before I only wanted her back... Even if I find someone new that I am happy to be with, and even if i would not want her back anymore if she was knocking on my door, I think I will always feel sad about what could have been... Probably can't be expressed better than Asaf Avidan's Reckoning Song:

In retrospect, I am sure something was going on. She drove around with him for various practical reasons in March and April. In the first two weeks of may they meet up ofter (didn't know at the time, but can see it from the messages). Then she broke up with me in the middle of may. If she was already facinated by him as a person for years (but never considered him as a romantical possibility because of the previous relationship with the sister), I think it may well have gone from fascination to infatuation in two months. And, who knows (besides her, maybe not EVEN her), to love in now further 2 1/2 months. I am still quite sure that the relationship was not of sexual nature until she broke up with me. However, I am quite sure that it DID become immediately after. I am doing better now, after an evening of crying, talking, writing and thinking. The conclusion is the same as a few days ago, I need to MOVE ON. I am by the way absolutely ok with crying. I don't see it as something to be avoided, it loosens up at lot of feelings. However, it needs to be in a controlled manner. Crying for hours without an end with no release at the end is not healthy. When I cry, in what I describe as a breakdown, I usually cry 10-20 min, and preferably while speaking to someone and explaining my feelings. Afterwards it feels like a relief. I had that 5 times in the last month, and usually in connection with some sort of realization of the current conditions. Other times I cry for only a min or two, and usually just from being sad, those resolves themselves without need to think, speak or express my feelings, simply by moving focus to something else. (About those messages, if you break up with someone, don't ever let them backup your broken iPhone for you later on).

Wikipedia: infatuation: Because in common parlance, infatuation is extravagant or foolish love, an infatuated person, quite commonly, is someone who in over-valuing the beloved has mistaken beliefs concerning her or him'.[2] Some consider that 'perhaps infatuation can only be distinguished from romantic love in retrospect...others suggest that infatuation may be the first step towards love...can grow into a more mature love'[3] marks the first stage of a relationship before 'a bumpy, but nonetheless inevitable, transition from romantic infatuation to mature intimacy'.[4] In such a view, 'lovers begin as prolifically inventive, producing enthralling illusions about each other...only to be disappointed into truth'.[5] ..."only to be disappointed into truth"... There is hope! :-D

...and the last paragraph above is probably the answer to my own question "what is going on inside her head"? I went working today. 2 x 5 hour flights - unfortunately plenty of time to think about her, and feel sad. The good news is that I am fully able to control it and shut her off when I need to concentrate on something. But the thing about flying is, that most of the time it's just as boring as sitting in the cabin as a passenger. With the autopilot flying hours on straight ahead, with not much other stuff to do, but to look out the window.

Thanks for the replies again. Every time I get a mail notification I open the page with excitement. I had a real bad day today. It feels like I have to take a step back all the time. Apparently I am not finished crying over her. :-( It's been approximately 2 1/2 months since she broke with me, and a little over a week since she wrote that she didn't want to have contact with me. I have had one more breakdown previously, much like today. That was a month ago, a week after she told me she that she was seeing this "old schoolfriend" (which was a lie, of course the sister's ex), that she had told me she wanted to go on a date with, when she broke up with me. It took a week for me to realize that was how things were. About a week later I called my mother, in tears, and told her "my girlfriend is seeing another man", that even though I had talked with her about it almost every day. It simply just took that long before I really realized what was obvious to every one else! Same today, a delayed reaction to what everyone would probably have told me long ago, "I lost her!" Which is exactly what I crying called my mother to say today. She had an infatuation since a long time with this guy, back to when he was with her sister. Now she finally got him! I had a belief the whole time that this would just be a short lived adventure, and she would be back with me in the fall. Now I ask myself, why would it turn out that way. She has know the guy for a long time, from the messages I have seen, they seem to be in love.... And now she doesn't even want any contact with me. I lost her! :-(

She is the one that initiated no contact. Having contact with her didn't bother me. In fact, I enjoyed talking with her and it didn't hurt. Of course it probably hindered me in moving forward and starting to look for someone else. But yes I have her unblocked from everything. It doesn't really matter, her Facebook profile is closed for everyone but friends, and even friends have very limited access to her info. She never post anything either, she is only on Facebook to keep an eye on other. She doesn't even have a profile picture. So even if I look her up, I see nothing but who our mutual friends are. My pictures will on the other hand show up in her news feed, if some of our mutual friends like my posts. The mutual friends are all mine. I de-friended her, her friends and family the day she broke up with me.

P.s. A lot of people in the same situation, would probably give an arm and a leg to have all the information that I have. But the truth is that it is completely worthless, as I have no idea what she truly feels and what is going on inside her head.

No, I don't think she is suicidal either, but I don't think she is seeking attention either as she is not threatening her sister in the messages. She also wrote in the same messages that she thinks of her father all the time. This is 6+ months after he died, so she is definitely not in the acceptance stage. I truly believe she has started the relationship with the sister's ex as an escape. Being with me was not easy for her. We had a lot of arguments after her father died, and I didn't understand or knew how to react to how she was grieving. I was expecting a lot of crying with me holding her. Instead she became introverted and stopped communicating with me and didn't want to be touched, just a brush on her arm and she would say it irritated her when people were doing that, and she didn't need it. I reacted by thinking she didn't want to communicated and left her alone. In the end the only communication was when there was something to argue about. We didn't have any intimacy either. She had a slipped disc in her neck a month before her father died. After he died she started sleeping on his couch, instead of in our bed. She said it was because of the pain in her neck it was better to sleep alone and the couch was more comfortable for her. In retrospect, I think it was because she felt closer to him lying in his living room + she needed the TV to be able to sleep at all. At the same time, when she was with the sister's ex doing practical stuff, he may have been there listening to her. And she may have had the communication with him instead of me. I see from the messages that in the last 2 weeks before we broke up, they were also hanging out together, but still with out romantic relation (of course I do not know what they have said to each other while they were meeting up). One week before, she has a message conversation with a girlfriend of hers about Tarot cards. And in the days before breaking up with me, she wrote to the sister's ex, that she had laid out tarot cards and had something she need to tell him face to face. Next day the break up with me. And the next day they meet up (I was away on work again). From the messages I can see they only meet a few hours. Early in the evening they start message again. One message from her, freely translated, "I am supprised you like me that way! You were always sacred to me". When I came home the next day we had a conversation in the evening. I asked her how long I could stay in the house - if 2 weeks to a months was ok with her. She said she hoped that I could move out faster and didn't think it would be good for either of us if it took that long. I asked her if there was someone else, to which she replied "no, but there is someone I would like to go on a date with" and "someone you don't know, an old schoolmate that I keep bumping into". My reaction was to move two days later, both evenings we spent together talking, drinking wine cooking - even sleeping together on the couch the last night. The day after I moved out, I can see that she drove to him and spent the night there. After I moved out she explained to her sister that "she would believe what happened in the last two weeks". That she had deliberately tried to think only positive thoughts and that a lot of people was approaching her. She even wrote that I changed 180 degrees (which is not true, I didn't change any view since her father died. She simply wasn't listening to me since her father died). The other people, I assume she is referring to the sister's ex and perhaps this schoolmate (if she didn't just made him up as an explanation to me, because she was too embarrassed to admit she was really interested in the sisters's ex). I can understand that she kept it secret to me (not only the taboo), but she may also have been afraid that I would think she had been cheating on me for months when driving around with him. From what I know now I have no reason to believe that. Besides from falling in love with someone else than me (and the taboo of it being the sisters's ex), it seems she behaved pretty decently. So to answer Pollera: I have a pretty detailed view of what happened in the two weeks before and in the time after the breakup. The only thing I don't know is what is going on inside her head!! Anyway, I really want to move on, with her or without her (and at the moment it looks like the last is the only option). I don't want to be stuck thinking about it, and though she is on my mind pretty much all the time when I am not doing anything, it's getting better. Before I was crying when thinking about her and couldn't really concentrate on anything or find joy in doing anything at all, as she would stay in my thoughts (like watching a movie, I wouldn't see or hear half of what was going on because I would be busy thinking about her). Now when I do something, I enjoy it and it takes my mind off of her, and when I think about her I am not getting emotional and don't have the uncomfortable hurt in the heart and stomach. Fortunately I didn't have to work after we broke up because of paperwork with my new license. Now that I had my first flight again the day before yesterday, I am happy to say that she only popped up in my mind briefly and only 5-10 times during a 12 hour work day!

Yes I didn't express myself clearly. I do think she is grieving, but what I meant is that I think she is stuck in the process and not moving on (or at least very slowly). I think she is depressed too. Why would she be drinking in excess otherwise. Going to work with a hangover as a flight attendant is not a very responsible thing to do = resigning behavior ("to hell with everything"). Again, the messages I saw, she wrote to her sister "that she wished she was dead and if her plane crashed, with her luck, she would probably be the only survivor". Not really indication of someone floating on a cloud of new love. Would you say? More like this guy reduces the pain in a way I couldn't, maybe because I was a part of it all or maybe because I put too much demand on her to move on. I didn't do it directly, but probably indirectly as I was very rational about the risk of accepting the heritage and tried to talk her out of it... She wanted to keep the house no matter what! Also, I lived in the house. He doesn't he has an apartment in another town and she can do with the house what she wants. He is surely not putting any demands on her. And she has another space (his apartment) that she can escape to when everything get too much. I don't know if I want her back. I want my happy and loving girlfriend that is in my memory from last year and the years before. I honestly don't know if she still exist But I know that I could trust her 100% to always stand by me and to be there for me. If she is still inside I think I could trust her, forgive her and would want her back.

I read the first and some of the last of your posts. Yes your situation is very different from mine. You said that a grieving person doesn't have time for a relationship. Also in a previous post you said grieve can be 3-6 months depending on the person. In the case of my ex, I think perhaps she is prolonging her grieving. The reason is, that after her father died she had to do a huge work with her sister and brother to find head and tail in all of his personal documents. It was a huge mess! So that involved a lot of people like lawyers and accountants, for at least 2-3 months (like all her time off when she was not working). They did all that work to fight for the heritage and my ex was the one fighting the hardest (the two other wanted to give it up). The reason was that her father had this house, which my ex and I was living in too. Her father actually bought the house for her, 7-8 years ago and they renovated it together, with help of friends, and even including the sisters then-boyfriend (the one she is with now) - he made the work with the tiles in the bathrooms and kitchen. Because she moved away for work, her father eventually moved into the house himself. Therefore she has been fighting like a tiger to be able to keep the house, because it contain so many emotions for her. And last I spoke with her about it (a few weeks ago) it was still not sure that she could keep it due to the economic burden (I offered to help with that before she broke up, but she wanted to do thing on her own). The house itself is like a Mausoleum for the father! All in it is his furniture, his pictures and paintings on the walls. It took her 3 months to throw away his toothbrush. And the last time I was there (3 weeks ago), it still looked the same (even his clothes was still hanging in his closet). He died in the start of january, so it's more than half a year. She did move his bed to another room, but otherwise the house looks the same. Also photos on the wall of HIS friends are still hanging there. So my question is... did she even start grieving for him for real. Or is she clinging onto the house to keep him "alive", holding on to her old life, being in his surroundings. Like I told earlier, she will have to take a second job to keep the house.

We think much a like it seems :-) I have blocked and unblocked my ex from Facebook and whatsapp a handful of times now. I keep changing between thinking "she doesn't want me, so she shouldn't be able to see what I do" to "if she wants to see what she is missing out on, why not". I know she was stalking me too, at least until 2 weeks ago. E.g. when she after 5 weeks sent me a long line of rude messages, it was because I changed my profile pic on Facebook. When I helped her backup her photos from her broken handy when I moved my furniture, one of the most recent pictures was a new whatsapp profile picture of me! None of the sisters ex by the way. Anyway, I unblocked her again everywhere. If she really wants to see what I do, why should I care. If she want to contact me, I should be adult enough to handle it. Thanks for all your posts Pollara, do you have a thread too? I would be interested in reading your story. What strikes me with these types of boards, is that all our ex'es seems to be the ones having the problems!

Well, it's the same here. It would normally be considered taboo. The sister went with that guy for several years, and they have been split up for 2 year (sister broke it off). They even went on vacations together all of the family when the sister was with him - my ex, her father, the brother, sister and that guy. The sister took it well, it seem (she is in another relationship now). As you may remember, I (bad boy) had a chance to look at her messages. The sister wrote that he was a good guy and didn't deserve to be a rebound for me. However, that is 21/2 months ago, just after my ex broke up with me and apparently told her sister that she started out dating her ex. Who knows what she feels about it now! Or in the future. I certainly see a huge potential conflict between the sisters. They used to argue quite a lot, so I can imagine in a heated moment that subject could be explosive in the future. My ex is a pretty hot-headed girl, a lot of temper. I can't imagine her living with that guy, without getting into arguments with him either. I don't know him very well, but in the heat of a moment, I can imagine he could say some pretty hurtful things too, when he was intimate with both of them.... I don't see a happy future knowing the temper of both my ex and her sister. About that guy, I have no idea. Yes, I can't understand it either. To me it would be utter taboo, unless I was desperately seeking a sexual relationship and didn't care about the feelings of either (which would be out of character for me!). Fortunately I am out! It hurts, and today I had a difficult moment because I was stupid to look into some pictures of her, plus I noticed she has blocked me on Whatsapp (a handy chat program, much like texting, for those not knowing). Note to self, don't look at pictures, and don't check up on anything she did or does.

Pollera, you are right. I saw it like she did something irrational, but the truth is probably that I was blind. She talked highly about this guy 4 year ago when I meet her, and he was still with her sister. She couldn't understand why her sister broke up with "this great guy" 2 years ago. He remained a friend of her father and helped her with a lot of practical stuff after he died, when I was away for work in the spring (though I am 100% sure she wasn't unfaithful, she probably developed romantic feelings for him). Then we had a lot of fights, for which I blamed myself after the break up. Now I feel she probably wanted those fights to push me away and justify her feelings for him, hence she is to blame for not trying to solve things. Last week I did 2 stupid things. 1st I sent back all the letters she wrote to me over the time we were together and some other stuff she gave me (not gifts, but small stuff of affection, like e.g. a ridiculous little plastic mouse holding a heart that says LOVE. She gave me that for good luck at some important occasion). 2nd I called her brother, who was accidentally driving in her car with her at the time. I could hear her in the background "hang up! hang up!" As the decent person I am I felt sorry, if I hurt her for sending the stuff back, so I wrote her a letter explaining that I couldn't throw it away, but couldn't keep it with me either. I wished her the best of luck with her new relationship and that I wasn't judging it. I thanked her for our time together and wrote that it was a nice chapter in my life. No reply from her... I wasn't expecting it, but anyway - just a "thanks I wish you the best too" would have show a little bit of decent character. That, together with her immature "hang up!" really hurt me - it hurts, because I realize she is not the person I know anymore. I had my first flight as a captain today. And nothing and nobody can ruin the happiness I feel about it. If she doesn't want to be a part of it - her loss. Something changed today and while I still want the girl she was 2 years ago, I don't want the girl she is today. I am sure some other sweet girl would like to be part of my life, and I realized too, that I am not in a hurry to meet her - I don't need to find someone just to get back at her. I have time! I will not seek contact with her again, and I will avoid the best I can if she tries to contact me. Thanks for your support, I am done being victimized by her. Sad end to things. I really would have done anything for her. She ruined it, she killed the love. I have no problems now (except for being single, if that is to be considered a problem ). She is the one left behind in the mess (economic, emotional, health, drinking, DATING HER SISTER'S EX). I feel sorry for her. And no KayC, I cried enough tears for her (believe me A LOT), no more! I will still be truly sad for a while, but I will be able to lift myself out of the emotional state. And probably I will feel a sad feeling for the rest of my life, when I think about her and what could have been - but probably in a few months, it won't be that often. And probably when I have meet my next girlfriend/wife, it would rather be long a part.

Thanks for the replies. I keept having contact with her since the last post. I told her that I know that her new boyfriend is the sisters ex, in the hope that she would start communicate more freely with me, because she wouldn't be hindered by having that secret. Unfortunately she got mad that I found out (talk about irony, I anyone should be mad it should be me). And she told me not to contact her again. So I am leaving it at that. I did my best, I don't see what else I can do now but to move on. I hope it will be easier than how I feel now. Thanks again.