hyacinth

Hello ffigoni, I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. I am eight months into it and time has done its thing, I am much better than I was two months ago. I still think of my ex every single day, not as much as before, but he crosses my mind multiple times. The hardest part for me was the complete disappearance and total silence. I understood that a relationship was too much to deal with, but him not being able to say a word was the worst part for me. You have to look to yourself now, you will find a new kind of strength. I know that seems impossible to imagine right now. In terms of trusting again, I am slowly starting to date again. It is difficult and I am extremely cautious. I am trying to just get out there and have some fun. And for fear of sounding negative, there is no way to determine how someone will react in terms of stress, grief etc. Every situation is different and I believe it is impossible to know or find out how someone will handle themselves. It is all a gamble, that is why I am taking it slow. Read as much as you can here. This site, and Kay specifically, were my lifesavers.

I certainly will Kay!

Hi there, I wanted to touch base and give you a little update…It has been almost 6 months since this all started, 4 months since we broke up and there has not been any contact between us. I am happy to report though that I am doing much better. The anxiety and severe sadness has subsided, I still think of him everyday, but thankfully the pain has lessened considerably. I know everyone says it… time heals, when I look back at what has happened over these past months I can't imagine having to go through it again! I have learned a great deal and the lessons continue to be revealed to me, although it is still too soon for me to think the lessons were worth having to go through something so difficult, but I am guessing in time that will change. Kay… your support was such a gift, there were some very dark days during this journey, and your words helped more than you could possibly know. I thank you very much.

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. It is a terrible feeling, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat as Topz91… haven't seen my ex since beginning of December when he broke up with me. I have read that grief is a monster and I believe this to be true. It is hard to think straight when you lose a parent, I made terrible decisions after I lost my Dad... I know your heart is broken and that is a dreadful feeling. I don't want to mislead you, but I was hopeful for the first few months after our breakup and that helped me manage, the breakup and the thought of never seeing him again was too much for me to bear at the very beginning, it was all just too overwhelming… take this whole mess as you can handle it, piece by piece, and as time passes if you don't have your desired outcome you will know when it is time to move on. Make sure you get enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes everything worse for me… Exercise has helped me a ton as well. Take good care.

Thanks so much Kay.

Thanks so much Kay, your words are most helpful and they do give me strength! I was worried that Sam might not know how much I care because of our last exchange, but I realize that all my actions in the weeks leading up to our actual break-up should speak volumes about how much I did/do care and if the day ever comes that he considers getting in touch, I hope he will remember my efforts and know that he can always talk to me. It is all out of my hands now. I surrender.

Hello, I just wanted to touch base… I have been really struggling about getting in touch with Sam, I came very close to emailing him yesterday, I had it written and was just about to hit send, but I stopped myself. I wanted to get in touch to rid myself of any last regrets and to let him know that the door is open should he choose to get in touch, but ultimately I think it would be a setback for me and then I would be waiting and waiting for a response and that would not be good for me. I am going to try and stick to this decision so I can keep moving on. I have to believe that if he ever does want to get in touch, he will be able to.

Thanks Kay, I am trying!

It has been just over three months since we broke up. I have no hope for a romantic reunion… those days are gone. It just seems strange to never speak to someone that meant so much and that I shared so much with.

Goodness Kay! I just can't imagine… losses being strung out or not, it is all just too much for one person.

I feel mildly better today… took a sleeping pill so I slept soundly and for a long time. My head feels more clear today and I feel less panicked. I dragged myself to the gym and worked out for over an hour. That certainly helped. Even though my heart is broken, it is getting stronger from all the cardio! I do believe I had an epiphany last night about the accumulation of grief. I think this abandonment has stirred up a bunch of other outstanding grief issues, and well, I guess they have just piled on top of each other. I don't know how you have managed Kay, with all the loss you have experienced.

That is excellent advice, giving it time has worked in the past. Thanks Kay. Good night.

I am also starting to think that my feelings of abandonment in this relationship have brought up some unresolved feelings of grief. New experiences of grief can remind us of previous losses…

I hope my last post didn't sound rude Kay, I was looking for your wisdom… as usual.

How do you know Kay? I don't know why he can't say anything… I really feel like I should try and get the conversation going… I just want him to know that my door is open. Don't they say that men tend to stay away from women they hurt?

I feel like a crazy person. I was feeling so much better these past few days, but I woke up in tears this morning. That is such a horrible feeling. I have been teary all day.

I am feeling so much better, I really am. The anxiety has subsided considerably, those feelings of panic and regret, of what to do next, should I write him or not, how can I fix this, make everything better??? The anxiety subsiding is a huge relief and I hope it lasts. Now what remains is a heavy heart, which I can manage. I know that will get better in time as well. I have to keep reminding myself that I have done everything I can and I have to surrender and remind myself that if it is meant to be that Sam will contact me again, then it will be. One very good thing I have been reminded of throughout this ordeal is the benefit of exercise. I have been going to the gym six days a week for the last six months and for fear of sounding overly dramatic, it has saved me. It was the best part of my day, it seemed my only reprieve from the sadness and anxiety, working hard, sweating like crazy, and listening to good, loud music. The winter here has been relentless, so cold and so grey. The exercise made me feel better about that too. Phew! Better days ahead… hopefully for all of you too.

When a break up occurs, for whatever the reason it is hard not to think that it is something we did, the feelings of rejection can soon overwhelm us. In this type of break up it could be argued that it simply came down to bad timing. I really can't thank you enough Kay. Chatting with you this week has been a HUGE help to me.

And thank you again Kay! You really have been a great help to me this week. I think I am feeling better today… oh the ups and downs of heartbreak! I am going to try and remind myself over and over again that I must always go with the information I have and all the information I have makes sense, so it is time to stop with the self interrogating (what a most accurate term). I have read many other threads here and I know it is important to take time and care for myself. I am not someone who is afraid of being on my own and I certainly don't want to drag any baggage from this relationship into my next. I also do not want to carry bitterness. That would be the biggest heartbreak of all.

Hi, I knew Jim had broken up with you via Fed Ex, but didn't realize he sent it to your office! What an absolute heartbreak. I agree the waiting is the worst!

Hi there, I have been tossing and turning all week! I feel terrible when I don't sleep properly… last night my mind was riddled with thoughts again about what I could have done wrong. I hate it when I go down that road. The nights are the worst!

Well you know what they say Kay, "…life is not a dress rehearsal." Perhaps you should look into some counseling courses, what a great grief counsellor you would make. Thank you for the validation about my decision to save my issues for another time. Everyone in my life has an opinion about this situation, and seeing that most of them are protective, they are unable to be objective. Unfortunately my therapist was unable to be objective as well, so the validation is most welcome. This does not mean I am willing to be a doormat, it simply means that I was trying to be considerate with my timing. I probably missed my chance, but like I said earlier I believe that I did the right thing. And I agree, I feel dreadfully weak when I have my teary, sleepless nights. I believe that I read on another thread that Jim reached out after a couple of months after the break-up… what was your initial reaction? Were you surprised to hear from him?

You should be a therapist Kay! I feel much better than I did earlier today.

Your words do help a lot Kay. Thank you.

Hi Kay, Thank you for your wise words and support. I find it so terribly frustrating that as time goes on I am tending to doubt our whole relationship… wondering if it was all a lie, or perhaps there is something else going on. It is exhausting me and is definitely keeping me stuck. It is hard for me to admit, as it sounds so weak, but I feel hated. And I know it isn't about me, well most of the time I know it! I am old enough to know that good love and companionship doesn't come along everyday so I guess that is why I am struggling as well. I was with my previous partner for 15 years and never felt this way. I remember when I was younger and friends or family were getting married or moving in together, making a big commitment to a partner, I would ask "…but how do you know this is the person for you?" And they always said "…when you know, you know." This is the first time I have ever known. I am sorry that you have suffered so much loss in your life. I do not know how you cope! When I lost my Dad I lived in complete denial for the first year, probably why I made bad decisions, as I knew that there was this unmanageable pain lurking about, but of course it caught me and brought me to my knees. I know grief often brings people together but I know in my family it broke us apart and still to this day my family is fractured. Everyone grieves differently to be sure and even though I have had proof of that in my own family, it certainly didn't prepare me for this.