Texyman

Short update again. Her mother informed me of the farewell service and condolence card was in my mailbox. I did not attend but I sent wreath with letter to the family. It was acknowledged and she sent me some photo. That was good. But I feel there was no extra capacity in herself to think of me and it could not be end. I feel day by day I am dropping out from her life. It seems she does not feel anything. Her heart and brain are full with her boys. Kay, yes, it is tough stage but I will not drop out by myself, I will finish all stages as her (ex) boyfriend. I will keep some distance with her so that there are enough time , space and privacy for her. right ? Cheers.

Thanks Kay, I have full spirit to finish my role because I want to keep relation with her as good memory. I will just keep following your advice. I will not try to throw 100 yard touch down pass. NO...

Here is short update. I still have full spirit to finish my role. Birthday card and small present arrived at her house last weekend and both my girl friend and her mother texted me. It is short word but it is enough for me. Some day, she starts to see rest of the world and start to think her own future. I wish I can be in touch with her until she tell me her new future. it does not matter if I am in her world or not. but It cannot be controlled by both of us. That is pity.

Kay, what is the situation of forest fire in Oregon ? Thanks for your reply and I believe it means at least you are in safe area and I hope you stay in your house and air pollution level are not purple anymore.. What I lesson and learned is that people like me fear to face facts and hesitating to ask straight question. In my case you've supported me and you pushed my back and then I know the reality. It harts me a lot. but I believe this process is needed at least meaningful for me. Yes, I feel I’m move into different phase. I do not know what is right for me. I still want to finish my role as (ex)boyfriend although feeling is eventually changing.

Kay, It is a reality..I asked her mom. I mean on behalf of my girlfriend, her mom ask me to be a prayer..they do not like me to participate the ceremony. She kindly advices me to wait until she can see the rest of world...but.. But Thanks Kay. Knowing reality breaks heart..indeed I am a bit sad since our relation continued one and half years and part of her family and me are known each other.. but I feel it is still better than guessing and worrying.

Kay, I do hope fire does not come to your area and you can be evacuated from the fire and purple air safely if needed. Why do you think mom is best person to be asked by me and what is best approach to her ? Meant should I tell her my thought or simply ask her how my girl friend think of me ?

I'm so sorry to hear that wildfire and forest fire occurred in Oregon and air quality is unclear range. I hope you are in safe area and there will be no damage in you house. Yes, I will ask her Mom after the ceremony.

Thanks Kay. I sent small gift to her with card.of course not jewelry. Here is short update. I never get use to spend such Dark days. It is heartache and painful. I want to escape from that if I can. Her mother informed me that there will be farewell ceremony for her sons but I felt I am not invited for that. So I will not participate, am I right ? I only feel time is running and I am eventually dropping out from her life. But I still want to finish my role as boyfriend.

Kay, Thanks, I will follow your advice. I was thinking to send pancake or small gift but I will not do. only card.

Key, yes, I will and I feel It is time to take it. There are doctors but I do not know are they good doctor or not. anyway lets try. Yes, I will keep it right but I have a big question in mind right now. which is what should I do for her birthday? it is coming soon.

Mary, Marty and Kay, Thank you for many advices. I am happy to find this site so that I learn many people has same kind of experience like I am facing now. I am encouraged to finish my role as boyfriend of her although I anticipate that our relation will be broken up like the title of this thread. So, there are no news in the last few days. my dark days is still continued and she is still silent to me. I just keep the door open by sending very short message to her from time to time. It is painful, heartache days. but I feel I am not alone. That helps me a lot.

Hello everyone, so sorry for making you worry. Just I want to say I am weak man, loss of boys hurts me a lot as well as her. I cannot get it out of my head. It comes especially in evening when out side become dark. It is like WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ?? sad, compassion, angry, despair..those are runing around my head. Thanks for your advice, what I am thinking now is having some plants in my room or having new friend maybe animal or tropical fishes because I live by myself. if it does not work I will take professional help. But I think you all help me a lot so that I can stop taking pill and drinking.

I agree on that we should not move one relation to the other in order to escape from reality and we also should avoid such a voice from society “ we need to see someone” If I can update my situation, my dark days are on going. my girl friend whom I will spend rest of my life together, are still almost silent. I do not know what will be my end ?? Thanks for advice from Kay and Mary. I can spend day time by occupying my self with full agenda, but problem is late evening. I know sleeping pill or drinking maybe helps me a lot but I do not like both . What should I do during late evening ?? Because when outside become dark I start to think of her then , I never sleep. some times I use pill and sometimes I drink a lot.

Kay, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have been thinking if I should be a friend of her instead for boyfriend in order to let her go officially and she start to think her life by her self. It is sure her life is totally changed and our relation cannot be exist AS IT IS, it won't be balanced anymore in her mind. I gave the ball to her and then, my dark days start. I want to support her. But I do not know if I can forgive what she did to me in the last 4wks and if I can accept the fact that what if she find new boyfriend even apparently he is best person for her future...people recommend me to start new love, but I do not like go that way. I want to FINISH my role even if it takes years and years. My dark days are like this, I do not cry but tears are dropping every day. So I need eye drops so that I can hide tears. My tears proof more than any words that I really love her and I really want to be with her.

Hi, KayC, Thank you so much for your advice. Yes, I am now being in the back ground and supporting her. That’s I have anyhow to accept. Problem is that she has been so silent that here in my mind has been completery dark in the last 3 week. I only received one text and she told me "Thank you my dear for your support". I can imagine that is at her best to do for me at that moment but I am still wondering how I can support her in this situation.... So getting here a little lightning from dark meaning knowing her situation well, I start to learn how loss of boys hurts her mind. I have visited some web site then I lost words even I could not go through the page. How sad it is !! one of things I learn is that she feels guilt if she eat something. Talking about your story, first of all, thank you so much for sharing your experience with me and I already learn a lot from you. So he is now your friend after 4 years since he lost his mother. If I am allowed to ask you question, how did you accept the fact that you are his friend not fiancé even girl friend anymore? Do you feel he still need to be cared for losing his mother and you feel you are the best person to support him ? Because at this moment , I cannot accept both. maybe it needs plenty of time, far more than 4 years.

KayC, Thank you very much for your advice. Actually, 2 days ago, I received the first text from my girlfriend since the tragedy. However it was short text and it seems just she felt guilt for excluding me. But anyway I also sent short text to her so I believe the door is still opened. I realize that the relation with my girlfriend will be end up and I will be dropped out from her life in the near future. For me, it is HELL!! and I do not know how long I can spend such DARK DAYS. Mary advices me to learn how difficult this loss of the boys for her. Yes, I am trying but as you can see, I am still talking about myself. So, I am not selfless person, yet. But Thanks for cheering me up. From the situation, my conclusion is like this, I will like to FINISH my role as her boyfriend in the right way even the goal is broken up. Because I believe the relation in the last one and half years was wonderful and I wish both of us keep those days as great memory and I wish someday even as a friend of her, I can meet her again so that I can see her future life is started and it goes well. So. your advice is appreciative and I am sure it leads me the right direction. Thank you so much.

Mary, Thank you so much for your advice. It has been so painful journey for me to spend such dark days. But today, after 23days silence of her since the tragedy. I got first text from her. It is very short but I believe it's a good step for us. I responded by short text according to your advice mentioned in previous post.

Hello. Short update, I follow advice from Mary and KayC. I let her go. So my Dark day start meant I am completely shut-out from her now. even I stop checking when she log off Whatsapp last time. I worry if I give her space, I simply be dropped out completely from her. I wonder if it is the process that I finally accept we are broken up permanently. It is so hard for me to deal with it.

Dear KayC and Mary Thank you so much for your advices... Honestly I really fear the dark. That is big challenge for me. You advice me to send letter with short note like I’m thinking of you. Yes, I’m thinking of my girl friend. but honestly, still lots of question come up with me which are why she is silent to me. why I cannot participate burial ? what is my value for her..and I fear the dark I need to keep in touch with her though she does not want to. That is too bad. you know, it is all about my self. so I say I will support her but actually I am thinking of myself. Since I realized that, I have been blaming my self. You advice me not to think too much. keep busy, work hard, go to gym, etc. But besides that I want to overcome such a bad mindset. however I do not know how to??

Dear Admin, KayC, Thank you so much for trying to lead me to right direction. I really appreciate your advice. However one thing still I cannot understand is that why she has been silent since the tragedy occurred. When I have a look at other posts. in many cases, in the beginning, they anyhow communicate each other and after some events or whatever, suddenly relation is end. But my case, she did not inform me the fact and keep silent. How should I understand it ? Is it her unique grieving process ?or is it poor result of our relation in the last one and half years ? or does she fear that her privacy is harmed by me ? what do you think ?

Hello KayC, first of all, Thank you so much for dedicating your time for me during your weekend. I’m a little calmed down since I found the person who share my emotion. Talking about my relation with my girlfriend, I’m middle 40’s and she is later 30’s. and I have one son and she has 4 children. She was not the driver when accident was occurred. We have expected in future after kids become adult we will live in a house together and spend all the time in same places. As you assumed, now, we have some distances, living in different country, however until end of last year we live very near by, just 5km distances. You advice me that say prayer for her, do not contact her. Yes I listen it but how to do with her mother ? she knows me well and she says she is well come to have contact with me. Should I let my girlfriend go and be silent to her mother ? Because even though people say I’m stupid guy, I as a man expect that after time is passed, my role for my girl friend will come. and I fear if I'm silent to both then it won't come or I am something wrong. loving her from afar is extremely tough period for me but maybe I need to follow your advice. Thanks,

After one and half years happy time with my girlfriend, she suddenly lost 2 boys by traffic accident. Actually, she is single mother who has 3 sons and a daughter. Problem is that since then, she did not contact me at all, actually, the accident was informed me by her mother when I sent text saying how are you doing ? I have been sad and thinking as boyfriend, how I can support her and what kind of things should I offer ? I called and texted to my girlfriend and ask her where she is so that I can be with her ASAP. But her mother respond me on her telephone that we are devastated, numb empty so after some times passed your accompany would be more meaningful to her. And at that moment, her mother promised that as soon as date is fixed, she will ask me to participate the burial, however it was not happened. I’m overwhelmed by facing the fact that I cannot hug her, I cannot give my shoulder to her and I have no contact from her. It seems she does not need my support. She lost boys, love of her lives and I am losing my girlfriend, love of my lives. What should I do ? should I wait and keep silent until some times passed according to her mother's advice? ? Or should I come to her as soon as possible although she is refusing ?? Any advices are appreciate. 3 weeks passed since the accident. I still send some letters to her however no reply, sometimes I send text to her mother to know how she is and so on, every time, she kindly reply to me.