Froggie4635

It's one of those early morning wake ups. I tried to stay in bed so as not to wake the dogs and have my day start earlier than I really want it to. But my mind is now awake. Even at 15 weeks, I keep asking the question, how can this be happening. How can Mark be gone? My mother-in-law has been continuing to ask me if I have checked on the autopsy report. I'm not sure why she feels it necessary to have it. Did she think there was something that could have been done? I'm not sure if I am ready to have a medical report about Mark. Maybe it is part of her grieving process to know. All I know and understand is that he is no longer here. People keep telling me I should feel comfort in the fact that he is still with me in spirit. Right now, that is not enough for me. He had such a presence in my life; even when we were not in the same bed; I knew he was just down the hall; I would hear him snoring. I haven't had any dreams of him yet.

I have many people at work who I have a fondness for. And I like to find ways to let them know. I had Mark make a special pen for one of them. I see this person frequently because our departments work together a lot. I would see the pen in his pocket and know how much he appreciated it. Well, he sent out an email on Friday that he had misplaced this pen. I know it is really bothering him that is it misplaced. I know it was special to him. Especially now.

I know people are concerned for me. They are not sure how they can help me. I am still not in a place to know what it is I need. The only thing I truly want, no one can give me. Even after almost 4 months, I just want to have Mark back. My birthday is coming up, and I am dreading it. I really can't remember anything specific about past birthdays; what gift he gave me, or what we had for dinner. But this year I know one thing; Mark won't be here and so I don't really even want it to come. I always enjoyed and appreciated everyone else's efforts for my birthday; the lunches with co-workers; the birthday cards and well-wishes. But it was having Mark with me that was always the greatest gift. He was what I waited my whole life for and I felt blessed every birthday. He was always my birthday gift, my anniversary gift, my Valentine gift, my Christmas gift. He was all I ever wanted, and now he is gone. How does one handle this?

Kay,

Where I work is a non-profit community center and we work in conjunction with other social service agencies to help; I have been here for 13 years. We are a very tight knit group. It was actually the person in charge of running the center that inquired with the counselor; it had been their suggestion for me to see this particular counselor and yes, she was going to give the message that I was doing exactly what I need to be doing. I think the inquiry was more to see if they are all doing enough to help me, and if there are any other ways that can be supportive. I think maybe the fact that I asked for some additional time off that might have created the worry, and the fact that I have had some really bad days this week. I know I have maintained my work level, and continue to show up each day. I believe I pushed myself the last couple weekends to try and be more like I used to be and pitch in and be a part of things; but I think it was too much too soon.

At my session yesterday, my counselor told me that the big boss where I work called her because he wanted an update on how I was doing. She reassured me that it was merely out of concern and that she would give him an answer that she felt would not invade my privacy or her ethics. I guess because I went to the HR person requesting some days off because I was having a hard time. I should feel good about him being so concerned but I am also feeling nervous because it is my job. She also pointed out to me a Freudian slip that occurred. We were talking about me not expecting Mark to die when I was on my way to the hospital that morning. I ended up saying "I didn't survive" instead of "he didn't survive". It was my first real awareness and understanding of experiencing a trauma. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

Thank you both so much. It is hard because there are no set rules for grieving, but it is so helpful to have voices of reason and experience to help me know I am on the right track, that it's ok, no matter what I am feeling. Sometimes you have to just embrace that it just "IS". The one person I knew I would find comfort in is gone. We were so open with each other; we were honest in a supportive way. I think back to the time I lost my dad. I got a phone call very early in the morning; in fact I missed the first call. When I got the second call, we were both very awake and knew getting a call at that hour was not good news. I remember walking back to bed, and Mark putting his arms around me and he just kept saying "I'm so sorry". He wanted to go home with me to attend the service, but we weren't married and he couldn't get the time off, or really afford the flight. He paid for my ticket. I remember coming back and my plane got routed to a different Houston airport and I was just a mess. I called him and he said "Don't worry". When I got to the airport and I was walking to baggage claim, I called him and was so upset. He said, "Just look up", and I could see him standing there waiting for me to get there. At that time in my life, I never felt more loved than I did at that very moment. I miss him so very much.

I feel somewhat better today. I had a friend stop over yesterday when I got home from work. I still find myself trying to stifle my emotions when around people. Yesterday morning I reached a breaking point where I couldn't any longer. I feel more relaxed knowing I have a few days off coming up. I need my job for obvious reasons, but also it gives me something to focus on. Sometimes it is hard being around so many people, but I can always go somewhere to escape it if it is too much. I also need to try and not allow people to put pressure on me to be "OK". I know I am going to be okay; right now I don't FEEL okay. My emotions change so quickly. Why is it that when someone comes to give me comfort, or I even THINK about something comforting that is said, or read something that touches on dealing with grief and emotions are expressed I feel my own emotions surface? Sometimes all it takes is a hug from someone, and my eyes fill with tears and I begin to try and choke back the emotions?

This just seems to be a recent thing for me. I am not sure if the trigger was attending the craft show on Sunday. But each day since then I have had a hard time. I spoke with my HR person, and she is going to see about getting approval at least for the next 3 Wednesdays to use sick days, and have that be the day I go to my counselor. My counselor has suggested maybe taking an anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication, but I am nervous about that. I seem to be one of those people who is REALLY hard on myself, not giving myself a break. I am sure that is not helping my grief process. The last few days I haven't felt like doing ANYTHING except watch tv.

I had a breakdown this morning. I can't find a place where I am comfortable, that feels right. At home I am irritated and at work I don't feel good either. I am very good at my job, but if anything besides just my job duties comes up, I feel irritated. I know I am relied on, and I like that. But I jumped right back into things after Mark died, and haven't really stopped since. I don't feel any joy in anything right now. I just don't feel like I have any control over anything. This scares me.

Thank you both. I mentioned that to my counselor; the lack of focus and being able to concentrate for too long. I told her I would read something and not be able to remember it at all. She said a good trick is to read it out loud. It helps you connect in two different ways. I am doing okay at work because I basically do the same thing over and over again; some things the same everyday, some things every month. They aren't difficult tasks, and I have done them for so long now, they are ingrained in me, so it isn't real difficult. But if someone comes in and wants something more than that; perhaps a billing issue, or need help pulling numbers or need something corrected, then it gets more difficult. So many days my emotions are strong before I even walk out the door, and it doesn't take much during the day to bring them full swing. Sometimes I feel so uncomfortable being so emotional. I will get up and go to the restroom, or walk down the hall. I haven't asked for any special treatment at work, but am really wanting to take more time off; cut back on the days I work using sick days. I am nervous about approaching my boss and HR regarding it. I LOVE my job, but weekends don't seem to be long enough time away. Some morning after I don't sleep well I just want to stay in bed for as long as possible. Having to deal with three dogs, it takes a lot of my time and before I know it I need to get myself out the door, when I would rather stay there and just sit. I am VERY hard on myself and am still trying to convince myself that what I have gone through is a REAL BIG deal. There is a part of me that is like a drill sergent...get up, get moving...get over it....MOVE MOVE MOVE.

I am attaching a picture of my artwork. I haven't worked in my studio for a long time. Having three dogs made it difficult to give time to concentrating on a piece. Mark used to love watching me in the studio, and he would sometimes stand by my shoulder and tell me "I can see it already". Even though he was a mechanic, he had the soul of an artist. He loved to tinkle away on a piano keyboard, find beauty in a piece of wood, and would watch "chick flicks" with me. He was good at being a guy, but he was so soft inside. I feel like there is a big hole in my soul, and most of the time I feel shaky, though I move along on autopilot. I read a book lately where the author told how her and her husband were described, PhyllisandBob. Well, that was us; MarkandMaryann.

Dear Kay,

Long ago I caught a craft show about using paint chips that you get in a hardware store. Well, I created a simple piece with squares of various colors. Well I kept getting inspired to make more intricate designs, then I added monograms. I would practice on a design, make as a gift for someone to work out the design. I would use pieces of wallpaper to create the color palate. I loved doing it. I would be in my studio frequently. And like your George, Mark would come in and watch me working, look over my shoulder at a new piece. He would just be so into it with me. He would talk to people at the craft shows we would go to about how hard I worked on each piece (though it never felt like work). The last show we did was a disaster. It was outside and it was windy and many of my pieces got damaged - my work is framed. Once we got the dogs, and getting them adjusted to living with us took so much time, I wasn't able to go and sit in the studio and try and get creative. Now with Mark gone, I just don't have the desire to be creative. I understand your being happy in your creating; I was too. And being creative and being with Mark REALLY made me happy.

I am practicing my breathing. Today I attended the Spring Fling event at my place of work. I committed before Mark died; so I followed through. I hated it. I didn't want to talk about my artwork. I always did the shows with Mark; he helped with the setup, and gave me suggestions. He loved my art. Today I just sat there. It wasn't an artsy crowd. It was a long day. I came home feeling exhausted;as the day went on, I got cranky and then I started crying and feeling all alone. I took a small picture of Mark with me. It was uncomfortable being in a large room with so many people. It is hard feeling the things I am feeling. So many things at one time;not sure what should get my attention first.

Kayc,

I am so sorry you are ill and are now disappointed about the change in your plans. I have never really liked change, unless I was the one who was instigating it. Right now your body is telling you it needs care. Plenty of fluids, and rest. I'm still getting the grasp of counseling. Since no one can tell you how long grief will last, and it isn't like you can set up a timeline to "finish the project". I am dealing with the understanding that I suffered a trauma, and my therapist says I am really too hard on myself. I am supposed to focus on breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Sounds elementary, doesn't it? Something so simple, but in a fog, it is really all I can focus on right now.

I went outside because I heard my Hannah barking a really scary bark. I looked over the neighbors fence and saw a possum. I quickly called all three into the house, and went to go back inside when I saw something moving on the small junk tree that had grown. It was a baby possum, struggling to hold on to the small branch. He was making a sound and shivering. I grabbed a pole that was close by, and gently put it near the baby until it clung on, then cautiously pointed the pole towards the ground, where I figured the mama was waiting (I couldn't see through the fence). I hope they are all reunited, but I will need to keep a closer eye on my dogs now. I came inside and wished that Mark was here to share in this experience. I really hate this, so very much.

Take care, Kay. Feel better

Today will be my second session with the grief counselor. It kind of adds stress to my day scheduling it. I don't drive, so I have to make arrangements to go home at lunch to let my dogs out, because my appointment is after work at 4 pm and I don't want them to have to wait. I have to arrange a ride to the session and then be picked up. I know people do not mind doing it for me, but I don't want to become a burden. I have a car sitting in my driveway, but cannot drive it as of now. It is my intention to learn how to drive, and then get myself and the car insured. Mark would always bring me to work on his way, and then pick me up coming back. I worked a longer day, because he would go home at lunch and take care of the dogs. I was comfortable with my life the way it was. I prefer staying in my house. If I get offers to get out, I will normally take them; mostly for the company. I'm afraid maybe I watch too much tv in the evening. I have committed myself to attend a craft show at my place of work. I haven't worked in my studio in a long time; before Mark died, I was always so busy with the three dogs, my concentration was absent and there was always so much housework to do. I have all my pieces stored away from the last time Mark and I attended a craft show. The event on Sunday is being held in the auditorium; the same auditorium in which we got married in 2009. The night of Mark's birthday (Dec. 2), we were there setting up decorations for the staff luncheon. Mark always would lend a hand and the next day (the day before he died) he was beaming because he was SO PROUD of me and how successful the event was. Even that evening at dinner with his mom, he was still talking about it and was so proud of me. His mom told me he came to her that night, put his arms around her and told her he loved her. Mark was not real demonstrative with his family in that respect. She told me that after he died. So many times when he would pick me up from work, if the auditorium was open, he would walk in there. I would follow and he would say. "I can't believe this is where we got married. You made it look so beautiful." And then he would kiss me. He was my biggest cheerleader, would always be so enthusiastic about each new piece I'd create. And I did the same each time he created an item...be it a pen, or a keepsake box. He handiwork is everywhere in the house, and at my desk. I miss his presence in my life almost every minute of the day. I never thought my life could feel so empty. My dogs are wonderful company, but it is not the same as having my husband. I waited so long to have him; it just doesn't seem fair. I know I didn't do anything wrong; I know he didn't do anything wrong. I know it happened, though I don't really think about why. I know I won't get an answer, so why aggravate myself by asking. I am taking tomorrow off, so I can get things prepared and get my head in a good place.

Today feels like one of those days I just want to curl up in a ball. I came into work because I know there are things that need to be done and I don't want to be one of those employees who just drops the ball. I can feel my emotions just under the surface. I just want to put my head down on my desk. Once again I am in that place where I can't believe Mark is gone and facing life without him seems like a struggle. I miss telling him about my day when work is over, I miss discussing what to have for dinner, I miss his presence in my life. I'm so afraid that people are going to get tired of hearing that and me sounding like a broken record. I know it is not realistic to hide away from the world, but that is how I feel today.

I just had a terrible scare. I couldn't find my little Max. I went out in the yard to call him in and I couldn't find him. I became hysterical, as close to a panic attack as I have ever been. He was hiding in the garage. I became a basket case. Now I am completely exhausted. It was like losing a piece of Mark again.

Thank you all for your continued support. I have always been of the mindset of working towards a goal. Working in the accounting world, most things are black and white. There are rules and procedures to follow and there are outcomes and consequences. The vastness of what is normal in regards to grief is a HUGE grey area, something that is hard for me to deal with. If you cannot judge where you ARE, how do you know when you are improving, or completing? I am still understanding that 3 months out is NOT a long time in the scheme of things regarding grief.

I had my first session with my grief counselor. I woke up at 2:30 this morning not remembering what she told me to give myself permission to do besides breathe. I guess I am having a hard time allowing myself to feel what I have gone through is a big deal. And that 3 months is not a long time when it comes to what I have been through. I hear the word trauma, but don't feel that is what I have experienced. I see stories of such tragedies in the world and to me that is what I define as a trauma. I don't want to think I feel sorry for myself.

Yesterday was three months that Mark had passed. There are still moments where I tell myself "I can't believe he is gone". The night before he died, we had dinner at his mom's for his birthday and I had never seen him so full of life. When he picked me up at work that day, I found him conversing lively with my co-workers at the front desk. Our staff luncheon had been that day, and the night before (Mark's actual birthday) he was helping us set up. When he picked me up, all he could talk about was how proud he was of me (I was in charge of decorating for the luncheon). Even at dinner that night, he was STILL bragging to his mom about what I had created. So everyone at the office remembers him being SO ALIVE. Then the next day, it was over. I shake my head and say "I hate this" when I am overcome with emotions. Our life was so perfect (well nothing is PERFECT, but we were so content). That was enough for us, to be content. Valerie, like so many people around me say to me, "I wish I could take away the hurt". I am finding it very true, the deeper the love the deeper the hurt. I no longer expect him to come through the door, but it hurts when I have a good day at work, I solve someone's problem and I can't share it with him and hear him tell me "Honey, you are the best". As my bottom lip begins to tremble, I send this out to all who read...I wish you comfort and peace.

Maryann

Tomorrow I am going to see a grief counselor for the first time. I am not sure what to expect, but I scheduled it at the end of my work day. I did not think it wise to try and return to work afterwards. The director of the place I work for took it upon himself to check into it on my behalf. Because of the suddenness of Mark's dying, he was and is concerned for my well-being. I just had time off last week, but so many times I wish I could stay longer in my "cocoon" at home. I'm trying not to stress out about insurance things; I am waiting to hear about a payoff for our car; been waiting since I started it the end of December. Even Honda Finance called because they had not heard anything more about it. I am also having to begin a fight for life insurance policy. I took out a policy for Mark in September; but I did not submit the eligibility paperwork (I also never got a reminder about it). They were taking my payments out of my paycheck (which they gave back to me). I spoke to an attorney who said I should file under errors and omission. I was so proud of myself because I had done that and had a policy for Mark...then to be told 4 days after he died that there was no insurance due to clerical errors. So now I am going to try and see if it will happen. I am slowly getting the medical bills taken care of. Every day I don't get bad news in the mail, I feel better. Yesterday was a meltdown day; I was exhausted by the time I left work.

Why is it that I seem most overcome when I am sharing my feelings and thoughts with others? I have my own moments when something hits me, or brings about a memory. I emptied out the dresser that held Mark's clothes. They are now in various piles. The items to donate are easy; he would want to share with people who could use or need. It is the items that are not suitable for donation; I cannot toss his old work socks in the trash. When someone asks how I am doing, I am honest. Sometimes when I begin to expand on it, I feel my lower lip tremble and try to keep my composure. Why is it the sharing that causes that?

Today is 12 weeks Mark is gone. I spent the morning burning cds for Mark's siblings with songs I gave to Mark when I realized how much I loved him...songs that spoke to me of how he made me feel and how I hoped I made him feel. Mark was the first person to tell me that I sang beautifully. I did not have the most wonderful childhood, and did not grow up in a family that made me feel loved. Mark grew up in a household FULL of love and I am witness to it every time I am around his siblings. Mark was a wonderful man, although he had his demons and fought them to his dying day. But I saw beyond all of them. Mark had so much love inside him (just like I did) and wanted so much to share it with someone. He brought love and comfort to my life; and he had an unending supply of both. He always made me feel better when I was scared or hurt or feeling unappreciated. As much as I loved him, I guess I did take things for granted' I thought I would have many, many days to help him feel loved and to have that feeling returned. I remember the day he proposed to me. He had been so ill with the flu, and I wasn't sure in the morning if he would remember what he had done, so I asked him if he did. Of course he did, and he then did it again, this time getting down on his knee and asked me again. Every time I would get a little irritated with something he did, he would grin and say, "Remember, you said YES. Twice" and then I would laugh. I remember the tears in his eyes when he saw me for the first time on our wedding day. I remember him squeezing my hand when my voice began to shake during our vows. How he loved the word "husband". He was so very content being married. The song we danced to at our wedding was "Walk Through This World with Me". He picked it because he was so very happy he had found someone and he wanted the world to know. I was so very lucky. We found that true, true love that so few will ever know. We would always talk about being married, and how we were lucky to know who we were and that alone would make our marriage strong. We never tried to change each other, we were honest with each other and we accepted each other. We didn't find those little insecurities in each other and pick at them when we were unhappy with ourselves. We were real at all times. We held each other up in the times we felt weak. We reveled in the times each of us succeeded and we celebrated being in love. I still felt like a newlywed, and that was because of Mark. I believe I was born to love him. And I see now the road I had to take to get there. There was a driving force, circumstances that brought it all about. And now it hurts so badly that now it is over, at least part of it. I know I will always have his love. But it hurts so much that I will never feel his hand in mine again, see his playful glance across the table. Right now it feels like so much was stripped from my life and it still takes my breath away. I sometimes want to scream to all those people who take for granted that they will have another day...I can testify that I was one of those. I thought we had all the time in the world. In a second, everything changes and it won't ever be the same. I miss my cowboy.

Dear Kay,

I had the same feeling one day. My friend came over to see me just after Mark passed. She seemed to unexpectedly be receiving a lot of phone calls. Well she went out on the front porch to talk and my Max was circling the door. Well, my friend wasn't paying attention and Max ran out the front door. I had another friend visiting at the same time and we ALL went running out the front to try and corral him back into the house. He is a little 14 pound terrier who moves VERY fast. We got him up into the house before any cars came down the street. Max once gave Mark and I a scare. He crawled through our back fence into the neighbors yard (must have heard something that intrigued him). Before we knew that was where he went, both Mark and I were calling and calling...Mark went out the front door calling. Finally Mark went and got a ladder to peek over the fence, and there was Max. He didn't move near the fence until Mark climbed over it. Then he darted into the yard and into the house. I remember seeing the color drained from Mark's face...he was SO scared and so angry. He picked up Max and scolded him and then held him so close. I have many pictures around now with Mark and the dogs. I can see the love he had for each one of them and it makes me feel all the love I have for him. I am truly thankful to have my fur babies. I know they understand the hurt I have right now. They sleep close to me at night. I am in my studio typing, and they are all laying on the floor surrounding my chair. I'm glad you had a good outcome, Kay.

I understand a big part of the grief journey is talking...talking about Mark, talking about my feelings, talking in general. Sometimes there are such strong emotions that come from those conversations, times when my voice breaks and I fight to break down. Is this all because the hurt is still so fresh? Is it because I haven't let out my emotions enough? When someone asks to hug me and when I do, I feel the emotions rushing to the surface. I understand that whatever I experience is normal, but is this a part of it?

Dear Valerie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also very early in my grief journey and still somewhat in the fog. It is for our protection I am told. No matter how quickly or how long before our loved ones pass doesn't make the hurt different. Mark was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. I waited many years to find him. It was a first marriage for the both of us and even after almost 6 years, we still acted like newlyweds. You are in the midst of the hardest thing you will every face. As many wise people on this forum will tell you, be kind to yourself. Mark died December 4, and this Thursday will mark 12 weeks he has been gone. It sounds like a long time, but it is not. It still feels like yesterday that Mark passed. He died suddenly from a heart attack. Every moment of that day is still vivid. I keep my days as simple as possible; and I am still not comfortable with making decisions beyond what to wear to work and what to have to eat. Let people help you is all I can advise. There are many kind folks here who can help you, too.

Sincerely,

Maryann

Thank you, Marty. When writing, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees. I guess I need to allow myself, to give myself permission that it is OK to do what I need when I need it and not wait for other's permission. I have always had issues with acceptance, placing so much importance on pleasing others. It becomes ingrained in you the older you get (at least in my case). I guess it is even a stronger desire now due to the instability I feel. I worked hard my adult life to find that inner security and confidence. If I hadn't had it, I would have NEVER been able to move from my home in PA to Houston without even a job. I made my life here, and had the self-confidence to allow someone into my life to love me. And when I did, my self-esteem grew by leaps and bounds because Mark believed in me as much, or maybe more than I did. Now that he has gone, it is almost like starting over.