Marj37

Having a bit of a tough day. My grandfather passed away yesterday, so emotions have been very high. I had a dream about Chester, he was laying on me, breathing in my face. It was something he did often to wake me. When I woke up & realized it was just a dream I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I cant shake that feeling. I have no place to express this. Its tough to talk about losing your dog when the ones around you are now grieving the loss of a person. This is just the time I could really use a big Chester hug

That is really a tough emotional ride now with your Granddad passing away.

I'm sorry you had that dream and had to wake up and find it was a dream. Some of our dreams do that and it is so difficult on waking.

I usually have kind of a sick feeling all day after that type of reality feeling dream.

Take care.

Mary -

Some vets are more happy to explain than others. And some are more informed. when you think of all the types of "parents" they have to deal with I think sometimes

they just want to give the minimum. And some are afraid of being sued.

I sincerely hope you can get clear explanation.

That helps even when it is not happy information.

Marj

I don't know why, but yesterday was just a bad day for me. I feel like I'm still trying to avoid facing the fact that Allie is gone. When I do think about her and how much I miss her, I really have to force myself to even do the day to day things around here. I know this is all probably normal, but it sure does not seem to be getting any easier.

Then last night, I got an email from someone on one of my Yahoo lists for people with dogs who have congestive heart failure. She had lost her Cavalier yesterday morning. I feel so badly for her. She had emailed me a lot when my other Cavalier, Molly, had been so sick last summer and just was so encouraging. Then, when we lost Allie, she would always write to say she was praying for all of us and to check on us. She seems to have a very strong faith in God and says how grateful she is to have had her Cavalier for so many years. I have to admit that I have a tough time being grateful.

I did get an email from the veterinary pathologist I had contacted about Allie's autopsy report. I had sent him a copy of the xray that he requested several weeks ago and had only heard back that he received it. I was kind of surprised to hear from him. He is not able to open the xray because he doesn't have the right software, but said he thinks the radiologist there would be able to do that. He was checking to see if I still had any unresolved questions because when I contacted him, I still had not gone over it with my regular vet.

So, I emailed him back that I do still have questions and asked about him fees to review the report and xray. I'm not sure anyone will ever be able to tell me if Allie should have been treated more aggressively for the congestive heart failure or not, but I'm going to probably ask anyway. One holistic vet I spoke with said she always treats more aggressively with the diuretics when there is any doubt about its effect and deals with the possible kidney issue later. Hopefully, I will hear back from him next week.

Mary

Mary - even if you don't get answers you will know you pursued it. I'm glad you did that step.

Same as when I had to ask my vet twice to get the test results from that ER. I just wanted to know that what I heard in that whole traumatic

event was correct and hopefully my vet was honest in her response when she replied that he had very little healthy lung tissue left; filled

with tumors.

Thanks, KayC----I am starting to understand that more now. Understanding it more than just say "process the loss" - but allowing body, mind & spirit

to attempt to do that.

This state of living is so opposite to the world around us. That's why it's an extreme gift to have a grief place like this site and people

take time to read what we feel and support what we are going through.

I loved my Gb; I love him now. I miss him terribly. And I will attempt to hold that up as an honorable place; not a negative place. As i do that

perhaps it won't feel so dark.

On the subject of nature, which may not have to do with loss, yet it helps to bring us full circle into peace and harmony, so in that sense, it is entwined with this journey...

Six days ago I was driving down the mountain and I saw something in the road...at first I thought it was a red fox, but I've never seen one holding still. At closer inspection I saw it was covered with white spots...it was a newborn deer! Not more than 15" and no mom in sight. I knew it was about to get run over and I'd have to hurry and do something. I stopped my car and put on the flashers, there was nowhere to pull over there and no time to waste. I didn't have a jacket as it's been hot, and nothing to pick her up with, so I took a couple of eyeglass cases and used them to scoot her off the road about 2-3'. If you touch them the mother will reject them because they'll smell our smell on them. Fawns do not have a smell, protecting them from predators, but their mothers can find them.

By the time I got back into my car there was a whole string of vehicles waiting in that lane, including a log truck. I was so glad I was there in time! I drove to the police station and told them about it, showing them on the map where to locate her. They were going to send an office up to investigate, and if the mother had not showed up yet, they were going to contact someone to take it in and care for it. So glad for this small community I live in that cares about our wildlife and nature around here!

Of everything I have seen in my life, I have never seen anything as precious as that tiny newborn baby deer. It was scared stiff, so terrified, yet it did not appear injured. What a treasure!

\Beautiful!!!!! What a gift.

Today has been a very stressful day with not only my grief to contend with but worry over one of my cats which is ill. At lunchtime I went for a walk through the fields near my office. To be alone and get in touch with my emotions. I sat under a tree in the shade and wept, talking to my late mother and praying for calm. I stood up and there on the ground in front of me was a pure white fluffy feather. I'd read about such things being a sign that an angel was with me and I wept again at the thought, this time with gratitude and hope.

Hi James - loved reading about your sojourn in the fields and finding the feather .

And I hope for dedicated loving hands to attend to your kitty that is ill.

Hello .....

Every Sunday seems to feel so sad as it is the beginning of when i knew Gb HAD to go to that speciality ER. And I

watched him that day breathing heavily until my son got off work so he could take me as it was far from my

home and in an odd place (we even got lost out there-- thankfully I have OnStar)

I even started the day in a different way this morning---- I went to our island state park on the Detroit river a few miles from my home

and walked awhile -it was beautiful and quiet.

Hi KayC

That is so dear and appropriate

Thanks much, Mary.

I sure wish the same thing at times. Yup, if he'd been "just a cat".

However, he was a soul-kitty and a wonderful companion and so interested in all life around him.

So here we are, Mary - mourning my Gb and your Allie.

Wishing you and all a portion of Peace this day.

I'm sorry it hurts so bad, I do remember what I felt like when King George died. I was very, very angry at the animal hospital for misdiagnosing him, esp. since they were all about the money and I suspect they didn't really examine him as they should have. They never apologized and truly seemed to not care. I'm still angry at them nine years later and would never take my animal there.

Love that name of "King George" That is so horrible when there is so much misdiagnosing going on.

I remember years ago when a vet told me Mr Purr was behaving weirdly because he was old and went ahead and gave him

some vaccines. A week later Mr Purr was back in the office with the other vet who told me he had renal failure. The vaccine must have really

spurred the renal failure into full fledged disease. He lived about a month after that.

It's such a risk. I thought it mostly happened with cats; but from being here in the group I understand it has happened with

dogs also.

I think we have to be on our toes at every office visit...........watch closely and ask all the questions we can think of.

My heart is with us all as we lean on each other for our daily support.

Hi - here's my memorial spot in the living room( 2nd pic) . I don't think I posted it as yet. And the small Rosie Rat was one of Gb's favorites -

I has just ordered 3 new ones recently.

Working on pictures in my digi cams today.......that is an extremely tough job as each one brings back strong memories.

And wishing Gb were still here to purr and snuggle with me.

Wanted to get them off the cams so as not to lose them.

The first one is like many others I have at other windows........together they looked out on the world. I have "watching"

spots at every window in the house.

Thanks, Kayc --- I've cried all afternoon. Missing him of course - and what a strong guy to stay that long . But I am glad to

know --- I needed to know that I was remembering correctly from that xray I saw and the trauma of having him

"snatched" from me that night and then 48 hours later having to make the loving decision.

So glad we all have each other to "lean on" as the song goes.

f there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load

Hi...

Today I had an email from our vet.......

They have sent me all the images--ultrasound and radiographs. Not only do the lungs look like they are full of tumors, there is almost no healthy lung left.

I think Gb stayed with you for as long as he could. He was a great cat.

I wanted her to look at them because that was such a trauma during the 48 hours he was in that ER and even the couple days prior.

I didn't even know if I was hearing right.

My poor baby .

In a way the information is helpful - I needed to know exactly - but I am so sad to have lost him. I miss Gb so much. And Hamish looks for him during the day and still

naps where Gb napped that last week.

Hello - what an adorable princess. So sorry for your loss. We have these very special companions that come into our life. And it sure does

hurt when they must leave.

You have come to the perfect place. because we all are with you in the ongoing grief.

Thanks for the link, Mary.

Mary --- I love what you have done. Beautiful tribute and a great way to have it so you can look at it. And the stones with the words and flowers are perfect.

And where did you get the round one with those wonderful words.

I must say how much I miss the tactile experience of my Gb. I know his spirit surrounds me but how to get used to

not having the touch of the body ---- like I usually lay down to read in the late afternoon and the two furkids

would always end up with me . Hamish does now but I so miss Gb's body feel on me or next to me. He always

wanted to touch my body with his - whether I was reading , watching tv or anywhere. That is such a loss.

It really hit me this afternoon. I feel lonely for him. As would everyone who has lost a close human or

animal companion.

I cried too much and Hamish left this afternoon. I'm sure it was because my body was shaking.

I've been gone and am trying to catch up reading/posting today. It strikes me that this is a place we can come no matter who we lost that is so important to us. When I lose my Arlie I will be crying my heart out here daily, you can be sure of that. We cannot always save those we want to save, even if they are the center of our world, but we can chose to live each moment with those we have to the fullest so that when we lose someone close to our heart, we will know we lived and loved them to the fullest each and every day we had them. We can also know they exist in a different sphere but still exist and our love continues and at last we will be with them again...that is a day I look forward to with all of my being.

Your Arlie is dear......I saw the pictures.

Time goes way too fast it seems to me in the middle of this ongoing sadness. Gb has been gone since May 26 and it feels like yesterday - raw and sad

and I miss him. And then can hardly believe it has happened. I told my older son yesterday that 15 years of memories are in my heart and all around

my house. He misses him as well since Gb always went to the door when he heard Mark come. And they would play a bit - Gb inviting him.

Yesterday was kind of a rough day. Seems like we've had a lot of them lately - either due to it being an anniversary date relating to Allie or just the fact that I miss her terribly and my home is not the same without her. She was the one who made us laugh.

There was a pet expo yesterday where one of our holistic vets was speaking, so we decided to go. It was small, but fairly nice. Various booths set up with local vets and vendors selling pet items. Two of the booths were local pet cemeteries, so I tried not to spend much time there. A lot of people brought their dogs with them - thankfully no Cavaliers. We spoke with the holistic vet before she gave her presentation and told her about Allie. We hadn't been to see her since Lucy died, so she wasn't aware that we lost Allie. It was hard even talking about it, so I quickly changed the subject after a few minutes.

On the way home, I spotted a young guy walking his Cavalier not too far from our house. I was so surprised because you don't really see many of them around. Later in the evening, I think everything just got to me. I really miss Allie and find that even the day to day things just aren't the same anymore. She and I were so close, and now everything is different - and I don't like the "new" different. No matter what was going on in life, I always knew Allie was there and now she's not.

I know at some point the "new" different will become less "new".

Mary

This new different is so difficult. Sigh!

And for my Hamish also as he looks or listens for Gb.

Marj,

I found it at a little shop in Amish Country. If you have any gift shops nearby or maybe even Target or Kohls, they would probably have them. You can set it to either turn off and on manually or set it to come on and then go off 4-6 hrs later (can't remember how long ours stays lit). I later found the candle holder with glass covering for it at the same store. I have a few that take small batteries but they don't last very long. This candle is probably 6-8" high and takes either C or D batteries so you don't have to change them very often.

Mary

Thanks, Mary --- been looking online.

Then I remembered I do have battery candles that I use at Christmas - they are plain and will work well.

Sometimes i find it difficult to think.

I've also seen plug in candles, they look very real.

That's right - thanks!

I can hardly look at the few pictures I have of Allie. Most of the pictures of her were on our old computer, and we are in the process of having someone get them onto a thumb drive because we were having problems with the computer. Hopefully, we will be able to do that.

Her ashes are in a small box on my nightstand. But somehow when I look at it, I just doesn't sink in - or I don't let it sink in.

One thing I did several years ago after we lost 2 of our dogs that we had had for years was to buy a battery operated candle that has a timer on it. I have it in a really pretty candle holder with a glass cover. It's on the fireplace hearth in the family room. It comes on every night about 6:00 and stays on until after we go to bed. When I look at it after it comes on, it almost makes me feel like the dogs are here with us.

I do think that things like reading a poem or the candle are ways to help us cope with losing our babies.

Mary

I love the idea of that candle. Do you know where it can be purchased?

An excerpt from Jon Katz's book, Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die

Thanks so much for posting that. I cried all the way thru it . It is beautiful.

And today I watched the video that you posted to honor your wonderful Beringer. Beautiful and tearful.

That was a great idea! I didn't know you could get things like that on Etsy.

Oh yes. I have a chain necklace from Etsy that has a little cat in a box. Gb always sat in every box I brought in the house. Always.

And I ordered another one that has a cat and locket in which I'll put a bit of fur.

I sure like Mary's stone idea with the violet.