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Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning":

“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.” 

Dear Hollowheart, I understand the feeling. The soul is longing and aching. Wounds from the soul are the hardest to cope with. Trust that with time and with work of grief the pain will lessen, or will change form. 

A big hug to all of you. 

Walking through year 2, I have understood that,

Ambiguity arrived to stay. 

Meaning of Hope, future, dreams and happiness have been re-defined. 

Missing is never gone

Pain is transformed

Grieving becomes a very lonely place

Memories are a sacred place

Sadness is not an attitude towards life. It is a response to loss

You don't stop loving him/her, and your relationship keeps going on a different level that is still to be figured out

You keep taking one day at a time, as sun rises and sets every day.

thanks for reading.

thank you Janka

Thank you Marty for your clarification! My therapist talks about "sense" rather than acceptance. And "sense" not in the way of "make sense of death/loss" (he follows logotherapy school).

The poem I posted was ment to describe the metaphor of "circle" in the grieving process. 

I don't enjoy holidays since my grandpa passed 20 years ago. We would gather at his big home, 40 guests, lots of fun. When he died, relatives started to fight over his money and that was the end of the big family. 

When I was living with my boyfriend, we would spend holidays separated because it was the only time of the year that I could travel to meet my family. I missed him and wished we could be all together the next year. Other times I spent holidays with my inlaws, but I missed my family. It never felt complete. We promised that one day we would all be together as a big family. It won't ever happen. It's too late now.

Some friends want me to join for a pre-holiday party for a toast. Some are pregnant, another got married, others are building their new home. I spent this year trying not to wish to die every day (not suicide, you know what I mean). Can I toast for this achievement in a crowd of happy people? I don't believe in wishes anymore. If I go, I'll have to fake a mask "self-help book" type of enlightment, wisdom, and quotes of hopes in front of people who wants us behave properly and be thankful in social situations. I guess I can't. 

Sincerely, I want to cancel holidays from my life. They were very nice when I was a child. They are beautiful when there are children to spoil with presents and stories. 

Beautiful picture, what a gift from nature!

there aren't grief groups in my town too, and my friends are too young to know how it feels to lose a soulmate to death. I'm alone with all of this, so I am thankful to have found this forum where I can relate, learn, reflect and share without judgment.

Margaret, it is true, things have lost their colors. But I do hope it will get better. Last week a friend called me and asked me: where would you like to live? what job would you like to do? I was like "errrrr....I don't know" Different to "I don't care", which is what I thought on the early months. So things change but not in a blink of an eye. Life is in slow motion under grief. 

I cannot picture anything beyond two weeks. I know that I cannot stay "still" forever. This is awful. The concept of future doesn't have the same meaning anymore. Another lesson to learn. When I am asked what do I want, I reply "Peace". I don't mind love, happiness, joy and brightness. I want peace in my soul. 

This is very exausting. 

I understood, a year later, that ANY decission we take in this journey doesn't mean that "I'm glad I took the right decission" because we didn't want any of this to happen and the thought that things were supposed to be different will always show up. Every decission is a reminder of what we lost. "Look at my new home" (equals to "I live here because of what happened"). "At least you are with your family" (equals to "I should be with my husband/wife/partner). What I learned is to integrate ambiguity in my life. Acceptance, no. Learning to cope, sometimes. Blurred judgment, a lot. 

Dear Margaret, I understand it is very soon, but if you need to be closer to family, friends and your roots, just go. Being in a house that hunts you, I see no point of it. But it is my opinion based on my experience, I left everything to be closer to my family, I lived far away and mum brought me back to my home town after 3rd week. Looking back I feel that saved me. still, I miss everything....

Dear Marianne, I think that you should call someone if you need to, perhaps a good friend that even though cannot understand, can listen to you. I know it is a hard thing to do because we dont want to be a burden, but they are part of your life even if their life is differently. I am sure there is a friend or a relative who can listen. And you have us too to read you. If you need to say it loud, record your voice and then cancel it. I sometimes do that, i record a supposed call to him. I dont know if this is a good advise. It sounds crazy. 

You will always be mrs mueller because your husband is part of you and always will be. I believe that. 

Stay home. I am concerned for all my friends there. I am watching the news and it is unbelievable.

Dear Debi, I echo what everybody said, I wish I could type more but my wrists are swollen and the doctor told me to stay away from the PC for a couple of days. I send you a big hug

The night I lost you 
someone pointed me towards 
the Five Stages of Grief 
Go that way, they said, 
it's easy, like learning to climb 
stairs after the amputation. 
And so I climbed. 
Denial was first. 
I sat down at breakfast 
carefully setting the table 
for two. I passed you the toast--- 
you sat there. I passed 
you the paper---you hid 
behind it. 
Anger seemed so familiar. 
I burned the toast, snatched 
the paper and read the headlines myself. 
But they mentioned your departure, 
and so I moved on to 
Bargaining. What could I exchange 
for you? The silence 
after storms? My typing fingers? 
Before I could decide, Depression 
came puffing up, a poor relation 
its suitcase tied together 
with string. In the suitcase 
were bandages for the eyes 
and bottles sleep. I slid 
all the way down the stairs 
feeling nothing. 
And all the time Hope 
flashed on and off 
in detective neon. 
Hope was a signpost pointing 
straight in the air. 
Hope was my uncle's middle name, 
he died of it. 
After a year I am still climbing, though my feet slip 
on your stone face. 
The treeline 
has long since disappeared; 
green is a color 
I have forgotten. 
But now I see what I am climbing 
towards: Acceptance 
written in capital letters, 
a special headline: 
Acceptance 
its name is in lights. 
I struggle on, 
waving and shouting. 
Below, my whole life spreads its surf, 
all the landscapes I've ever known 
or dreamed of. Below 
a fish jumps: the pulse 
in your neck. 
Acceptance. I finally 
reach it. 
But something is wrong. 
Grief is a circular staircase. 
I have lost you.

(Linda Pastan)

Yes, pain is a sneaky thing. I have been doing relatively ok, and I don't understand why, all in a sudden, with no specific objective reason, I'm sad and feeling helpless and hopeless.  I cancelled my appointments to teach and I didn't go to the gym. It amaze me how powerful emotions can be to wanting to quit everything, run away and hide in a forest. My heart is completely broken and I feel very alone. His family seems to be doing much better and his siblings moved on. I'm sure I am getting it wrong, we all grief differently, but I feel I was left alone and behind. Brad is right, the path from the brain to the heart is the longest one. 

I travelled for work during 2007-2009. I remember very well the smell of waffles and fish and chips! The grand place, and the famous fountain. The smell of chocolate.

Now I live on the other side of the ocean but I cherish those times. But yes, who knows what is going to be? Maybe one day,....

Lovely cards Kay. 

Peace.

"I cannot bear those who say "but” for death or violence. "but it was predictable", "but he/she provoked it", "but it could have been worse", "but there was no possible cure", etc. I have been one of them. One of those who think they know more than the other one about what to think or how to deal with. I have learned to respect, without “objection”. No one needs a lecture on something as human as pain".

I have read this today and I wanted to share it.

On days like this when the world seems to be a darker place, I cannot stop thinking "please come back, please come back to me". 

These people was enjoying a concert and many are dead. Before that, students going to college, others to church, others on a plane, on the beach and so on. Why is there so much evilhood? What is next?

One issue I am dealing with is not being able to make a choice. Or I don't care about picking up A or B or I can't make up my mind. Today I've spent the whole day trying to decide which bus I should book and I had to ask my brother to help me to sort it out. I have never been so dependent and so lost. The only voice that echoes in my head and in my space is mine. Where is his voice?

My story is related to organ donation. I know that there are no words that can ease your pain, but the decission to donate in that moment of such darkness has brought hope to someone else. 

I hope the ceremony went well for you. 

Very nice post. Sending you peace

Off topic....Debi, everytime I read about Brussels it brings me back many memories full of nostalgia. I used to travel frequently for work. There were nice times and tough ones, they were the previous years before I met my boyfriend. Those days are gone and I'm a different person now, nonetheless I had a nice time in Brussels and if I ever come back to Europe I will cpntact you!

welcome back Debi. I'm very sorry for the loss of your cousin. Lately I'm lack of words of what to say.....

Thank you for the posts, the second one is very true. 

Thank you Anne for sharing your thoughts. I too wonder if grief will always be such a presence in my life. Today I have been reflecting on our dreams which are forever gone. We were supposed to get married this year. Perhaps that is the reason why I cannot see any picture of a future, even in the short term.