Critterdoll

Marj, how beautiful this is! "Later, theologians restriced the possession of a soul to human beings." And what did they base that on, I'd like to know. I don't think animals would be capable of love without a soul, and at times I think animals are more capable of love than humans, based on what I see going on in the world today. Case in point: Cecil the lion who was, in my opinion, brutally murdered to appease an arrogant, egotistical human! Was that love on the part of that despicable person?? Where was his soul while committing this brutal act??? "But what is soul or spirit? Spirit is the channel through which we became conscious of the essence - the inward beauty - that dwells within another living being." This makes perfect sense! Which leads me to feel that animals definitely have a soul, because they see our (their human's) inward beauty, and that is exactly why they love us so much in return as we love them. Animals are definitely conscious of our inward beauty; there is no way they would love us if they didn't see our inward beauty. Which leads me to believe that we will be reunited with them in heaven because from what I understand, in order to enter heaven, you must have a soul. If anyone deserves to enter heaven, it is our beloved pets as well as the rest of the animal kingdom! Marj, thanks for this! ~ Mia ~

I am still having a very rough time dealing with losing Spooky. It feels strange because even though it has only been a little over a week since he is gone, in another way it feels like he is gone much longer than that. I feel like I have been grieving forever. I try to be out of the house for hours to not think about my pain, but the minute I come into the house, the pain hits me again like a ton of bricks. Also the mornings are still very bad for me. As soon as I wake up, my first thought is of Spooky. Sometimes I feel so much pain from missing Spooky so much, I feel frozen and numb from it, like I am in a very dark place. At times when I feel slightly better I think I am starting to recover, but then I break into a torrent of tears again. I guess it is like someone in this group said at one point, the grief ebbs and flows. Copperpot, I am so glad to hear that your dream of Chester helped you in a way! Just having had that dream shows the very strong connection you had with him. I have mixed feelings about wanting to dream about Spooky. On one hand I'd be so happy to see him again, but on the other hand, upon waking and knowing it wasn't real, it might affect me in a bad way. But what is meant to be, is meant to be. If it happens for me, then God will give me a way to deal with it as He did for you since you said the dream seemed to help you. I think sweet Chester was giving you a message. I pray every morning for God to ease the pain in my heart and I am counting on Him to make that happen. My prayers also go out for all of you who are going through what I am going through and may your hearts be eased as well. All we can do is take it one day at a time as you said Copperpot. Bless you all! ~ Mia ~

Marj, thanks for the video! I loved it and what a happy song! It got me smiling for the first time in many days. Coppertop, every picture of Chester is so absolutely precious! He is such a gorgeous color I have never seen on a dog before. I remember, when I first got Spooky, he spent three whole days hiding under the couch in his new, strange home. I was still married then, so my husband expressed concern that he would be hungry staying under there so long. I told him not to worry, that when he gets hungry, he'll come out. I had put a plate of food in the vicinity of the couch, and when he finally felt is was "safe" to come out, that cute little nose poked out at first, trying to sniff the nearby plate of food. Then out he popped, and the rest is history. He never ventured under the couch again. He figured that these humans who cared enough to want to feed him can't be all that bad, so what's to fear. From that point on, I was "his human" for life. I got divorced very shortly after, so all these years it has only been Spooky and myself. ~ Mia ~

Thanks to all who responded with a warm heart once again to my latest bout of grief! I really take to heart what all of you had to say! Marty, in the same vein as you suggested about writing a letter to Spooky, as I was saying my prayers this morning, I spoke to Spooky directly within my prayer, feeling that Jesus was holding my babydoll as I was talking to him. I apologized to him for neglecting him emotionally in the last few weeks before I had to take him to be put to sleep. I don't think the Lord would be insulted that I spoke to my beloved pet while praying to Him, because Spooky is also His creation. I had a good cry as I was praying and apologizing to Spooky. I hope he heard me and is forgiving me. Also Marty when you said surely Spooky knew (still knows!) how much I loved him. I took great comfort in that, that I would see him again someday. I still have a very heavy heart. I was looking at condominiums online yesterday and while looking at them, I once again felt guilt that Spooky would not be with me in whatever new home I end up in. And also, I didn't look for long because I still feel like I don't care about anything and am not mentally ready to move forward. I still need to give myself time as all this is still very fresh and painful for me. As of yet I can't picture myself in a new home without him. Being here where he spent almost his entire life both gives me comfort and pain at the same time. It might sound very strange to some of you, but I am also afraid that the healing process will push Spooky further away from me. I know that at some point I need to let go and move forward, but even that in itself hurts, like I am afraid to let go. It's as if the missing him keeps him closer. I know that's not a healthy way to feel, but maybe for now it is normal. Marj, thanks for guiding me to your post. Your babies are absolutely beautiful! What a lovely picture of them. And I got a kick out of how you got Gb's name. My Spooky never, ever wanted to be photographed, so in all the years I had him, I don't have one single picture of him looking right at the camera. So because of that, you wouldn't be able to tell, he had the most gorgeous blue eyes. The friend I got him from asked me if I was going to name him Frankie after old blue eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, but obviously I did not. One time a few years ago, I was taking pictures of my Christmas decorations, so while I was at it, I started taking pictures of Spooky, and believe it or not, I ended up taking about 30 pictures, and deleting them one after another, because he did not stand still and look at the camera for one single picture. He would either duck his head or walk away as I was snapping the shot. So although I do have pictures of him, not one is a picture you could say let me frame this. I had bought frames to put his pictures in, not expecting him to be so camera shy, so the frames remained empty. These are my feelings for today. Thanks again to all who took the time to comfort me. May you all have a blessed day! ~ Mia ~

Every morning my loss hits me very badly again. As soon as I open my eyes, my first thought is of Spooky. It scares me, because I feel a blackness wash over me and I struggle to focus on starting my day. I have another reason why I am struggling with my emotions. I have been in the process of packing my things because I am moving. It has already taken me a couple of months of packing, and it will take many more months to do so, that's how much stuff I have from over 20 years of living in my childhood home since my divorce. As I was packing, I was constantly passing by where Spooky was laying, knowing he would not be coming with me since his health had been in decline since before I started packing. During the packing process it was tearing my heart out that he would not be coming with me to my new home. I would have so wanted him and myself to have a wonderful brand new start in a new place together, but I knew it was not meant to be. Even now I am hysterically crying as I am writing this. I felt so guilty that I can't take him with me! Every time I passed him where he lay, he would meow a greeting and I kind of ignored him. I thought that by ignoring him from time to time, the pain when he would be gone wouldn't be as bad. I guess I was already trying to pretend he wasn't there to mentally in some way protect myself for what was to come. I didn't ignore him each time. Sometimes I would say a few words to him, and sometimes lean over and pet his precious head and I could hear him purring. Oh, my sweet, sweet babydoll, why did you have to leave me? Since he is gone, I haven't even tried to continue packing. Right now I feel like nothing matters to me but missing him so much it hurts so bad. I haven't gotten a new place to live yet. I can't do that until I sell this house and have money for a downpayment on a new place. My first choice will be a condominium, my second choice is a retirement community and my third choice is a house. I had at first thought of moving to an apartment, but most people don't allow pets. Before Spooky died, I vowed I would never get another pet, and if I did, maybe a bird. Even though I was trying to fool myself into thinking if I didn't pay Spooky too much attention before the end it would hurt less when his time came, I knew I would be devastated and wouldn't want to experience the sorrow of losing a pet again. But I think just maybe after I have moved, I might want a pet again. If I were to get a cat again, I would get two so they have each other for company also. I love dogs equally, so I'm not sure yet. Now I also feel guilty because I didn't pay him enough attention the last few weeks before the end. Am I a cruel person because of that? After loving him deeply for all those years, I feel like I let him down near the end just when he needed me most and I think I can never forgive myself for that. I think also partly why I didn't pay him all the attention he deserved, was because I felt guilty that he would not be starting a new life with me in my new home. A few years after I got Spooky, a stray cat was hanging out on my porch so I gave it some milk. He (or she) was a beautiful tabby. The cat had no collar so I assumed it was lost so I had decided I would keep him. I brought him into the house and started to go upstairs with him and Spooky came down as I was going up. He gave me such a hurt look, like, how can you do this to me, that I didn't have the heart to "betray" him with another cat, so I put the cat back outside and never saw him again. That's why, if I do get a cat again, I would get two young ones at the same time. Maybe my feelings of pure devastation are two-fold? Partly because I miss him so very much, and partly because I'm feeling guilty? These are my feelings this morning. Can you all be honest with me and tell me if my actions were very wrong, or can you understand why I acted the way I did? ~ Mia ~

I am so, so sorry for your loss Marj! I grieve right along with you. Marj, what is the story behind your baby Gb? Were you told why he had the terrible breathing problems? Do you still have Hamish? I'm curious as to where your furbaby's name Gb originated from. Is it an abbreviation of some sort? Do you have any pictures posted of your babies? If so, maybe you can direct me to the post? ~ Mia ~

Carrie, do you have any pictures posted of your beautiful babies? I did a search for blue gingham dachshund and all I got was pictures of blue gingham sewing projects and such. I'd really love to see pictures of them. Maybe you can direct me to one of your posts where you have their pictures. Gee, I do hope you are ok after the falls you took! That's a truly trying day you had! ~ Mia ~

Hi Everyone, I have read many of your posts expressing your experiences in dealing with the illnesses and losses of your beloved pets. I want to say that I have cried over them and felt for each and every one of you in your excruciating pain. In reading them, it just brings the point home to me that we all want the same in our lives which is love, happiness, peace and contentment with our loved ones, be it human or animal. We as animal lovers find much satisfaction in enjoying and taking care of our furbabies, and what could be better than that. I loved and still love my cat Spooky so deeply, and as I write this, feel the loss of sharing love I have to give to him. I miss the act of giving love to him in whatever form it takes, whether it is the process of feeding him, or cleaning his litter box, or talking to him as he meows out to me, or petting him as he snuggles next to me on the couch, and just the scent of him. I actually smelled the scent of him for a couple of days after he was gone. That scent is gone now, which makes me feel like he is even further away from me. My heart is torn into a million pieces. The more deeply we loved our babies, the more we are grieving. One of you said more or less that we should take pride in the amount we are grieving because that represents how well and deeply we loved or sweeties. So I say let's do that. That is the only thing any of us should be guilty of is loving our pets with every fiber of our being, and that is a good thing! ~ Mia ~

KayC, what beautiful dogs! In due time I will also share some stories about Spooky. I just don't feel ready right now. But it does help me when I read about the happy times you all have shared with your furbabies. ~ Mia ~

Copperpot, what a beautiful, sweet babydoll you had! Thanks for sharing! I know that in sharing, you will be able to release some of the sorrow you are feeling. As far as the screaming, I have done that when thinking about my precious Spooky, or when I pass by the corner where he last lay for the last few months. And what Marj said about pounding on the bed, I have done that too. The guilt you are feeling (or were feeling awhile back) over how you lost him is only tormenting you unnecessarily. Just believe that this was the time for God to take him home. When God wants our loved ones, whether human or furbaby, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. All we can do is take comfort in the fact that we loved them with all our hearts and then some, and they loved us back the same way. We don't know why God takes some so early (like your Chester), and why some (like my Spooky) get to spend more time with us, but I truly believe that in God's time, we will have the answers. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. ~ Mia ~

Hello to everyone! You are all so blessed! Thank you all for all your kind and caring support! It means more to me than you can imagine. As I have (and am now) shed tears for my sweet Spooky, upon reading your posts, I cried when reading all your posts. We are all exactly in the same boat. I feel your tears and sorrow, and you feel mine. Bless the Lord for leading me to you all! Marty, when I read what your best friend said to you about your father, I was floored. How unbelievably cruel! I feel exactly as you do. I lost my parents many years ago. My mother spent seven months in the hospital and suffered horribly, and when she passed, I cried endlessly, but even then I didn't feel the same deep pain as I feel for Spooky. I had been away from my parents for many years, having been married, so there wasn't that same closeness I felt with my furbaby. The way you described the attachment your beloved dog had to you on a daily basis, that describes Spooky to a T. My heart goes out to you for the pain you went through and surely are still going through! KayC, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your dear husband! I also believe we will be reunited with our loved ones, and hopefully our furbabies also. I couldn't bear the thought of never holding my Spooky or even Brownie again. Here on this earthly plain, I don't care how much time we get with our loved ones and furbabies, it will never be enough. We do need eternity that God gives us to enjoy and deeply love our loved ones! I also feel, why would God give us our furbabies to love and see our grief when he takes them home and not return them to us when our time comes. God loves us deeply and I think it would give Him great joy to reunite us with our precious pets. LadyCarrie, I see that your grief is as fresh as mine, having just lost your baby Calico Rose just days before I lost my Spooky. What a beautiful name for your furbaby! My apologies, I have not read your post yet, so I don't know if your precious is a doggy or kitty. When I have finished writing my post, I am heading to read your post. I truly feel your pain as well! Animal lovers love everyone's pets, not only our own. And that is how I feel about all the pets all of you have lost, and the ones you still are moms and dads to. Wow, what a coincidence you having had a cat named Spook and a dog named Brownie! I also believe God guided me to you wonderful, caring people. He never forsakes us and feels our pain right along with us. He knew that my finding you, and all of you also finding this group would be a measure of comfort. Before coming here today, this morning I prayed to our Lord, and was crying the whole time, asking him, please, please ease my pain, and my prayers were said for all of you as well that He would also ease the pain all of you are feeling. During our time on this earthly plain we need to support and comfort each other as we are all equally God's children and that is one of our tasks on this earth, to be there for each other. Jesus said, love one another as I love you. LadyCarrie, thank you so much also for your second post. It gave me much comfort reading that. You definitely had a good way with words in that post. Copperpot, as with Marty, what a cruel thing for someone to say to you in your time of loss! And it is also surprising that your parents aren't more supportive, especially since they also love dogs. Just as my friend. She adores dogs, and has one now. Even though she doesn't care for cats (she had a couple of very frightening experiences with them) she should have been more understanding. She told me it's not that she doesn't like cats, it's that she's afraid of them. I supported her in that, because I am afraid of large dogs. Many years ago there was a very large German shepherd running loose in the street and it came near me and already had his teeth around my thigh to bite me. Luckily I yanked away in time, but since then, I am afraid of large dogs, but I still love them as I love any other animals. I just can't understand why my friend thinks that because I did the right thing and ended Spooky's suffering, that I wouldn't miss him and grieve for him. What an adorable name for your baby Chester! How precious! Thank you also for reassuring me that there will be progress. Since I have never experienced grief this profound, I have had no idea what to expect as far as how long this same intensity of sorrow should last. As each day progresses toward evening, I have cried a little less, but each morning it hits me all over again, and I am right back at square one. The pain is so bad it almost feels like a heavy, physical pain. I still feel like right now my life has no meaning without being able to spend it with my soulmate Spooky. God truly knows what he is doing when He matches each one of us with our beloved pets. He knows that the personalities of human and pet will mesh seamlessly together and we will love each other as God's wish is. Even yesterday evening, I had gone to visit my neighbor's mother who lives a couple of blocks away. I told her about losing Spooky, and I am grateful that even though she has no pets, she felt my pain and told me how sorry she is that I am going through this. Then her daughter came along. Even though her daughter had known for a couple of days of my loss, she never called me. Now that she saw me, of course she felt obligated to offer condolences (she never had pets). Her condolences though definitely did not feel heartfelt. Even though she said I know you were very close to your cat, it still didn't feel genuine. Then she said well, try not to cry. I said, why should I do that, and how can I do that? How is that going to help me, suppressing my grief? Is that going to make it go away? I told her I need to go through that, not to mention, that is my natural reaction to grief and sorrow. Again, to all of you thank you so much for all your loving support, and my support goes out to all of you as well! Have a Blessed day! ~ Mia ~

Thank you Copperpot and Persie for your kind and heartfelt responses. Persie, reading your post got me crying, feeling your pain. I love dogs as much as I love cats. I have owned dogs, but only for a very short time each time. The last dog I owned was over 30 years ago. Brownie was his name and he was a golden retriever, german shepherd mix. I only had him for about a year, and when I had to give him away I cried like a baby, but even that grief wasn't as deep as this. Don't get me wrong, I loved him as much as my baby Spooky, but I guess the amount of time I had Spooky makes a difference as to the depth of grief. To this day, if I tell someone about Brownie, I feel the same pain all over again. Persie, you said talking to friends and family help. I have no family but this morning I called my dearest friend in the world because I was crying so hard and really needed to talk to someone just then. I had been surprised why she hadn't called me to see how I am since I told her Spooky would be put to sleep on Saturday. I also felt ok about reaching out to her because she is a dog lover, has one now, and has always had dogs and has experienced the grief of losing her pets. I told her how I had gone online to look for a pet bereavement discussion group and told her how I found this wonderful group where everyone is genuinely caring of each other. I told her about the link Anne posted about the Rainbow Bridge video and then when I described what was in the video, she got angry with me and said, why are you doing this to yourself. She kept saying that Spooky had a wonderful life and I did the humane thing by having him put down and asked if I would have rather kept him suffering. I said of course not, that's why I had him put down. And I continued to say that because he had a good life and is no longer suffering doesn't mean it doesn't hurt so bad and that I don't miss him terribly, and the only thing I would want right now above anything else is to have him back, healthy as he used to be. I told her I am not purposely keeping myself crying just to feel sorry for myself, but that I miss him so much, and it's only been a couple of days since he passed. I said that I need to grieve in order to move forward. She said of course you do, but reading all this stuff on the internet isn't helping. I told her I went on the internet BECAUSE I couldn't find any relief just crying here by myself. She kept saying nobody online cares what I am feeling, and I kept overriding her to tell her about this group and how I can tell that you all do truly care, and have been in my shoes. I was crying and saying I thought she of all people would understand. She said she did understand BECAUSE she has been there, but I personally feel that she thinks I am carrying my grief too far, even though she herself told me her daughter is still grieving for a dog she put to sleep 8 years ago. I found it so confusing because she sounded so contradictory. Now I know why she never did call me to see how I am. She seemed so surprised that I was still in such distress when a couple of days had "already passed" after Spooky's passing. She lives over 100 miles away from me and we have been friends for over 35 years. All I can say is that her reaction truly surprised me and just added to my grief. I know she means well because we are like soul sisters, but this time she was way off the mark with her reaction and opinion. It's not that she didn't care. I think in her mind, I'm just stewing in my sorrow without trying to pull myself out of it. I wasn't with her when she lost her dogs (who I used to know also) so I don't know what form her grief took. I told her I am all alone with no one to talk to about it, and that also makes it harder to cope with my loss. (Other friends don't own pets so they wouldn't understand.) She had her husband and kids to help her cope with her loss, and that makes a huge difference. I have prayed to Jesus and God to help me not feel the pain so intensely. At times I feel my prayers have helped, but then I go and fall apart again when I pass by where Spooky used to lay. I saw online somewhere, where it said the more deeply you loved your pet, the more deeply you grieve, and I believe it to be true, because Spooky was the light of my life, not to mention, I deeply love all animals. Sorry for the long post, but I needed to talk about this. With the help of you good people, hopefully with each day that passes by my grief will release some of its hold on me, but for now, I am still in much agony as I was the day Spooky left my life. ~ Mia ~

Thank you Anne for your kind words. Thank you also for the link to the Rainbow Bridge You Tube video. Yes, I do know of the Rainbow Bridge. Watching this video made me cry also. I love ALL animals, and can't bear to see any harmed in any way. This video warms the heart to see the pure joy in the faces of these sweet, precious animals. That's the same joy I would feel upon seeing my beloved Spooky again. My username, Critterdoll, is one of many other names I had for him. I was so filled with love for him that I couldn't come up with a cute enough nickname for him, so I alternated between many. BTW, earlier in the day I did see another version of this video. Same words, different pictures. We can only console ourselves by telling ourselves that we WILL see our babydolls again. The hard part is waiting until that time comes because our love for our pets will never die. ~ Mia ~

Hi Everyone, I found this wonderful forum today and am happy that I did! You are all so caring and empathetic of one another in your grief. It is obvious to me that your consideration of each other is genuine, so I knew you people would be the ones to turn to in my grief. I am newly going through the grieving process as I just lost my beloved cat Spooky just yesterday. Needless to say, I am in complete shock over losing him. I have been blessed to have loved and cared for him for almost 21 years, so I feel like I lost a part of myself yesterday. What makes it harder is that I live alone, so it was only Spooky and myself in this little family. Right now I feel like I will never recover from this loss and I have been crying almost continuously since I lost him. His quality of life was severely affected due to old age. He wasn't using the litter box anymore, nor was he grooming himself anymore. I tried my best at first to keep his fur in good condition by brushing him, but then it quickly got out of hand and his fur turned into a huge matted mess and started smelling really bad. His appetite was still not bad, but he would not walk around the apartment anymore, but rather, would just lay down all day. Due to not getting any exercise, he lost all muscle tone from his hind legs and when he did get up to go to his dish to eat, you could see he had a very hard time walking and his hind legs kept threatening to slide out from under him. Seeing him decline in health like this just tore my heart out. I also think he might have had kidney problems because he drank so much water all the time in more recent times. I finally made the heart wrenching decision to have him put down when Friday morrning his hind legs completely gave out. When he tried to stand, they completely gave out and his legs splayed out on both sides of him. Even trying to help him stand didn't help since his legs were too weak, so all I could do was lay him down. Later in the day he did stand up and walk to his food dish, but I didn't really see that as a positive sign of anything. When I felt his hind quarters, there simply was no muscle left at all. This is without a doubt a matter of aging. He was almost 21 and a half years old and definitely not enjoying his life anymore. So yesterday around noon I took him to the vet where his life was peacefully ended. Even writing this I am in tears. I only stayed with him for the sedation shot, petted his precious head, told him I will love him forever, and walked out. I couldn't bear to stay for the final shot and watch him take his last breath. I think I would have completely fell apart to see that. Someone told me just last week that when a pet feels it is time for them to go, they will let you know. Well I feel Spooky did just that. For the longest time he had not sat near me, but would only lay down in the corner of the room. But on Thursday evening as I was preparing myself dinner, he came and sat near me for the longest time, then walked with difficulty back to his corner. I am so completely devastated. I feel like I have lost all interest in anything, and cry for the impossible; to have him back. Every time I pass by where he last used to lay, I expect to see him there, and seeing that empty spot is like a shock each time. I feel right now like I can't go on without him. I am hoping that this overwhelming grief doesn't last for years. It scares me to feel this way, so maybe some of you can reassure me that the pain of loss will lessen over time. I have had pets before, but never for this length of time. He simply became a part of me that I now can't bear to live without. I keep saying, how can this be that I will never see or hold him ever again. My only hope is that we do get to be with our beloved pets again in heaven where we will never, ever lose them again. I am a spiriitual, religious person and know God to be love itself, and who loves us, so how would He not allow us to be with our furbabies again. I am attaching a photo of my furbaby. I hope it shows up. Thanks for "listening", all of you, and bless you all! ~ Mia ~ (Spooky's mom)