Andrè

Saintb - thanks for your reply and the kind words - I certainly know the feeling when you say "I don't always know what to say, because it hurts and we do feel so lost." - the words are in one's heart and the head cannot express them "properly" (for me anyway) - so, let us try (together) to just BE - I'm sure HERE, we will understand one another - because of! Thanks again - much appreciated!

Dear Scba, I'm on this journey we share, for just short of 18 months and already I've learned/discovered several things. We are all "wired" differently and what one see as "strong", another might see it as "not strong" so, what I've learned or discovered, is purely within myself thus not to say you will experience it the same way - I don't think their is a "right" or a "wrong" - I just wish to share one or two of my "discoveries" - and I'm all too aware that I will still discover many more, in time to come. The first thing I was aware of is that grieving as such, does not allow for it to be described to - it will do with us, what it wishes to and their are many peaks and valleys on this path, this very new (for us) path we actually knew nothing about before we were conscripted into this brotherhood of loss. Their are no rights and no wrongs - where I live (South Africa) and maybe it is an universal thing, we were brought up that "men don't CRY!" - and that is the way it was for me, to a large extent, until I lost My Margaret that is - I did not have ANY control over it - for the first 4 months I just cried and cried - I didn't know that a person's body can produce SO many tears - didn't matter whether I was alone or with people, I just cried - it (sort of) also "permitted" THEM to cry - and the first full day (after the 4 months) that I didn't cry, when I turned to bed, it struck me: "hey, I didn't CRY today - what is wrong with me?, I didn't cry for a whole day?" - then I knew, I was on this path I know nothing about - from thereon and until now, I decided that I will just "be" - I will not try and be "strong" and I will not try to "pretend" - I'll just BE! Since then I still cried, but not everyday like before - over the past weekend, when I posted a short slideshow on this group's Tributes and Remembrance section and written a few words, I've done so through tears - that was the trigger. So - if it could mean anything for YOU - just BE - no wrongs, no rights - and try not to "force" anything or emotion - sometimes in "weakness", we will find strength!!!! Regards and take care.

Thank you Marty - it is feeling, I'm amongst real friends - thank you - appreciated! Being "new" around here, I'm just not sure WHERE to share WHAT - don't want to get it wrong.

KayC, Thank you - and you're welcome! I can absolutely identify with every word you say - in the atmosphere that My Maragret listened to it, made it so, so powerful and ALIVE - it touched My Margaret immensely as you say - very much so - I don't have the right words, to even trying to describe the level of emotions she and myself had, when listening to the song - emotions that will come but once in a lifetime - that was it!!! This tribute and song, I also chose to be screened at My Margaret's funeral service, together with an enlargement of the very last photo in this slideshow - where My Margaret, arms triumphantly in the air finishing her 301km uktra walk just a year earlier - this (to me) was very symbolic - simbolising her reaching the end of the line, here on earth. As a combination of the slideshow, the song and My Margaret's enlarged photo, had absolutely everone in tears - it all was so fitting and several people asked me for a DVD of the slideshow, which I obviously obliged. Thanks again KayC and God Bless. PS: A week after My Margaret's passing, I received another song (directed to myself) from the lady our son is staying with - I used this song as a sequel to the first slideshow and I also find it very powerful, given the atmosphere I found myself in - I will share that here too, if I may.

Thank you Marty, Thank you Anne - for your kind words and your time. I cannot find the words to describe the FULL impact this song had, on My Margaret and me - if you can imagine in your minds-eye, this iron-lady of mine - this healthy and strong woman - on her deathbed - taking a deep breath, only every 25 seconds - now not being a shadow of the former self and still breathtakingly beautiful to me - fighting to stay in this life she so loved - fighting to still be with me - but also knowing it is "time" - HER time - to take leave of this physical world - her purpose in life is fulfilled, beautifully - HEARTBREAKING!!! - I was blessed beyond what I deserve and thankful that I was with her, to her last earthly breath - at 01:12 the morning of 7 February 2014. Thank you - thank you, for allowing me to share my hurt, through tears I share them here - it means a lot to me!!! I'm alone yes, but not lonely - I simply have too many good memories, for THAT to be so. Thank you!! Andrè

KAY: Thank you so much - it already feel I'm amongst friends - I will take what you say, to heart and it gives me hope - I promised My Margaret that I'd be "OK" - and I will - I am "searching" for myself, within myself - as I said in my original post: to a large extent I always felt that my own purpose in life, was to love My Margaret - be with her, be there FOR her (as SHE was there for me) - and now she's gone - thus, my own purpose in life is also fulfilled - but not, because I'm still here - in this massive void - and it is within this void, that I will have to find myself again - the "new" me - I also know that even the new me, will be hugely influenced and formed by what the two of us had - the day I will then find myself, I will be able to celebrate what we had - it can never just disappear. When time allows, I will share some of the stories about My Margaret and also the two of us - if I may - throughout the years we had many many adventures, especially when backpacking - out there we were at our happiest - climbed the mountains together, crossed the rivers together - everything TOGETHER - but this journey I am on NOW, I'll have to do alone (but not) - and I will do it for BOTH of us - at least My Margaret was spared THIS journey - I will carry the load - I owe it to her!! Thanks again and regards.

This slideshow with images of My Margaret, I've compiled shortly after My Margaret passed away - mainly for the benefit of some of her colleagues, working abroad. In the background, I've used a song which became Margaret's instant favourite after she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The song was sent to her, by our son. When she was admitted to hospital, she often listened to it - it was just heartbreaking - to see her suffering beyond words and listening to this song, through tears - it took on a powerful meaning and became very much "alive", as one can imagine. If I could share it here and thank you for watching:

Thank you Anne and thank you Marsha - appreciate you replies. Anne: I DO focus on what My Margaret would've wanted - and I promised her that I'd be "OK", as she was so worried about me - when I find myself to be rock-bottom, I found myself to be thinking just THAT - "what My Margaret would've wanted" and that usually lifts me out of the hole and make me less negative. The walking you ask about: I've promised My Margaret that I'd keep on walking - she asked me to do 2 specific walks - the 301 km one from which we returned when all was not well with My Margaret (she has done it the year before) and another famous one, the Otter. I've done both since - the 301km was a sort of a pilgrimage walk for me and a very emotional one - I've done well on it and meant a lot to me - the other one (the Otter), I also managed well. Subsequent to these 2, I've done another in March this year - the 85km Outeniqua hike which we (My Margaret and I) have done 19 times - I wanted to do it one more time, to get my 20th - on THIS hike I have not done good at all - I struggled for the first time on a hike - although strenuous, it was the mental side I struggled with most - so much so that, halfway through the 5 day hike, I've quit - a first - I just couldn't finish it - from day one I battled and could only make it halfway. BUT - I promised My Margaret (and myself) that I'd keep on hiking and living our dream - it is my intention to succeed. At the moment I am preparing physically and mentally for a 101 km walk, in our Overberg mountains, starting out on 1 September - I trust it will go well. Anne, you ask to share a picture - yes, I have many - although she just hated to be photographed, I shot many pics on our hikes - I'll embed one here (not sure if it will show) - it is a composite of My Margaret, the main pic being on the very same Outeniqua hike - the words (in My Margaret's handwriting) at the bottom of the pic, has its own "story" - I have millions good memories of our hikes - we've done 62 long hikes together. During the past 18 months I've gone through our hiking pics for hours and hours, into the early hours of the morning - also compiling short videos and slide shows with favourite songs of My Margaret - I've posted a couple on You Tube, for the benefit of her colleagues working abroad. Thanks again and regards. My Margaret by Andre Wheeler, on Flickr

Hi Betsy, I'm also new here and made a first post, this my second.. My condolences with your lost - I lost my wife of 44 years, 18 months ago and I'm still realing. I get a very good feeling about our fellow members here - one can see that they truly understand and have good, solid advice. So - I'm pretty sure we will find ourselves amongst friends here and that we can talk as much and as many times we wish to. May you find strength and solace via the precious memories you have - I'm sure you can share them here, anytime. Regards from South Africa Andrè

This is my first post here - a little background, if I may: If I don't use the correct words or my grammar comes out all skew, then please pardon - English not being my mother tongue. For a long time now, I was reading through the topics and I found comfort by just reading them - I thank you for this. It is now just short of 18 months that I lost My Margaret - we were "joint-by-the-hip" since ages 12 and 11 - got married when we were still children actually - me being 19 and she 18. Married for just short of 44 years, having 2 daughters and a son. Throughout the years we considered one another as a gift-of-grace from God - we always thought that our main purpose in life, was to love and be with each other - and SO it was! She was my everything - morning, noon and night - 24/7 - we were so blessed!! My Margaret were one of those people who "light up the room" by their mere presence - she made a HUGE impression on people in general - in her working environment, she was an icon and rollmodel - very low profile and hated attention - when she spoke, people listened - very wise she was and a student up to the end - she was a registered operating room nurse (a "sister" we call them here) - having an impact of which people will talk about, for years to come. We were very active backpack hikers for 22 years, hiking long distances - very fit and healthy thus. Mid September 2013 we were already at the starting point of a 301km (180 miles) ultra walk - we knew that "something" was not 100% right with My Margaret but she insisted that she'll be "ok" in a day or two - late the Friday afternoon (we were due to start the walk on the Sunday, two days on) I told her "no, it is my call now" - cancelled the walk and rushed back home, 1 000 km from the walk. The short version of what happened next: she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer with mets to the liver - and passed away just more than 4 months later, on 7 February 2014. Since her passing I struggle with a lot of things - I became a champion procrastinator (I trust that is the word), the complete opposite of what I was before - and struggle to "know" who I am - my whole life and being, was defined by My Margaret and our mutual love for one another. I found a LOT of comfort in a book (not sure if I'm allowed to mention it here) called, Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman - by working through the book (I also have the audio version) I at least came to the conclusion that I'm not going mad or lost my mind. I would greatly appreciate it if someone, anyone, can perhaps tell me - if I, in time, should "find" myself again because as I say, I'm lost and do not know who I am. Any hope for me? For a first post, maybe I talked too much - I cannot help myself - can write books about My Margaret!! Thank you for "listening" - much appreciated! Regards from South Africa Andrè