santiken

You’re gone now I’m all alone I come home to an empty house Hello Hon… Hello Hon…? I feel scared Something is missing You’re not there Then I think this is forever There is no comfort just quiet not a peaceful quiet an empty quiet It’s been seven months you’re not coming back the house smells different can I survive this? I don’t know Am I lonely? Or alone? I feel alone you’re gone forever my God you’re gone forever I love you

It wouldn't hurt so much but for the love you had for him...I feel the same way. Love is a fantastic emotion but it can hurt as well. But love is eternal...

Here is my story: It was a typical Sunday morning when I brought my life partner of 27 years (Beej) her coffee. She looked up at me with a slight grimace on her face and said, "Hon, I feel some discomfort right her and she pointed to her tummy just under her breast bone. I told her, "It will probably pass." Like it had so many times before. Only this time it got worse and worse and within hours she was extremely sick and throwing up with incredible painful spasms in her gut. This same thing had happened to her before but miraculously she always rebounded and was fine within a couple of days. The doctors would say it was diverticulitis or gastritis. She had had many female surgeries in the past including a complete hysterectomy so I knew something pretty serious could be causing this and it was time to take action. I called the ambulance and they came quick and brought her to the ER at the nearest hospital. Well, there the surgeons decided that it was best to take a wait and see stance instead of opening her up immediately to see what was going on. She was admitted to the hospital and after a long and very scary and painful story she died from multiple organ failure caused by sepsis...all of her internal organs had died from this bacteria and lack of oxygen. Sepsis is a very dangerous condition of the blood which if allowed to go on in most cases ends in death. I wasn't even in shock at this point. In my mind perhaps I would see her again or some miracle would happen where it was all a mistake. When it finally hit me and my anxiety kicked in my blood pressure shot up to 195 over 110...it's usually 120 over 70. I was in sort of a panic mode where I thought I might die as well. How would I be able to cope with this...this is pure chaos. We had no children it was only me and her completely interdependent on each other. We would carpool to work...we would do everything as a couple. We loved to go hiking in the mountains. We loved our animals...we loved the same tv shows...she paid the bills, I took out the garbage and cleaned the litter boxes. We were in the middle of at least 4 big projects, planning our summer vacation and just going through life together then suddenly and unexpectedly this happened. Now that it's coming up on almost 4 months I am still having a roller coaster of emotions and learning to live life alone as a single 53 year old guy...not an easy task. I still have to care for my kitties, all 6 of them and have a large house too big for just me. I have to go on with my life ...even though it's so very difficult. I must carry on...

Yes...4 weeks for me was still disbelief that she could really be gone from this planet. Actual acute sorrow didn't peak until 2-3 months and now coming up on4 months AD it's a complete and chaotic roller coaster ride of sorrow, anger, extreme anxiety, lethargy, no motivation, no hope, depression, with tiny glimpses of joy here and there. Whenever I'm in nature I feel better although it is also a trigger since we did so much together in nature. 27 years of knowing and loving your most precious thing in the world only to lose them in a horrific way is traumatic beyond comprehension and worse than the scariest horror movie a thousand times. Heck, I was in such a state of anxiety that my blood pressure shot up to 190 over 120...not good. Unfortunately, we are forced into becoming a member of a club that would otherwise have no members if we had it our way. We must travel this lonely dark road and hopefully as time goes on we will begin to see the stars again through the darkness.This is the way I'm approaching this upheaval.