debi.williams

Dear Butch, Firstly I think that everything is 'normal' at this stage or any other for that matter, so please don't worry about that. Losing your Princess at such a young age is not normal and can never be.How can you not be lost and shocked? We have been brought to our knees by grief.

Birthdays are hell and I can't pretend otherwise. I have only had to contend with one so far (my son's 16th, 6 weeks after the death of his father my husband) and although I doggedly refused to weep openly in front of my son, I admit I was a wreck for the whole of the day. Next is my Mother's Birthday on Oct 10th (mom passed suddenly last year), followed almost immediately by my dad's on 17th,then the holidays, then my birthday, then my husbands. Seemingly never ending milestones to simply 'get through' if we can. 

Kevin, I like your plan a lot. I think the fact that you even have a plan will help.

Scba you are right. Every day is pain right now and a birthday can still only be 24 hours of  perhaps sharper pain.

George, lovely words as always.

Brad your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. What a beautiful tribute to her

Kevin I am seriously impressed ! These commandments would serve us all well. Making albums of all your pictures is a brilliant idea and not only will preserve the pictures properly but will also chronicle your wonderful life with Angela. I somehow feel Angela (It's maybe a female thing!) will be delighted you are taking time out to do this too.

I am trying forgiveness but my blame is directed at myself for every word said in anger and for wasted time arguing. We didn't do that much admittedly (to be honest we couldn't be bothered arguing as we both knew - or so we thought- we would be together forever) but even so.  I am trying also to release bad thoughts which are usually along the lines of 'why him?' 'why us? we were so happy' but then 'Why anybody' these 2 of your commandments I struggle with. For what it is worth Kevin, I am really rooting for you.

How are you Kevin? I am going through all the paperwork too and it is incredible how complicated things can be, you would imagine that us humans would have developed a kinder simpler way for the bereaved to get things done by now.... I did smile at this comment though...Pension people have me on ignore I think

Dear George, beautiful words about your beloved wife. So many beautiful things we miss but no one can ever take away what is in our hearts. We did not merely love our missed ones we WERE our missed ones. You are taking such good care of yourself George and your wife will be very very proud. 

I, for one, am proud of you for also dealing with all the practical things such as getting your wife's computer fixed and sorting out the cabling even though it was a headache you did it! If it is any consolation on rip off healthcare, here in Belgium I am obliged to pay $5999 a year divided into 4 trimesters with huge penalties if I don't. It keeps me poor. It is chilling too that 1 person dies every 2 seconds, I wish we could say they were all very old having had happy lives but we know that's not true and there will be an an equal number of broken grieving hearts. 

I didn't want to live without her presence The hardest thing of all. The emotional mountain we have to scale every day. You are a good, kind, loving man George and I wish you all God's comfort.

The cabin sounds lovely and you will get some much needed mountain air. Your wife will be with you. 

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt and supportive responses. I can see I am not alone in recognizing how difficult Christmas is and what an uphill battle it is for us bereaved.

Scba you are right when you say the day itself is just another day of missing the one we love. It is so hard when you here people talk about their plans (they are doing that already plus we have to plan the dreaded Xmas office party) I just don't want to hear any of it.

Enna, Thank you so much for the link. I found a lot of the practical advice really helpful. I can tune into you deciding to do nothing that first year after Jim's passing which is how I feel but I have to consider my son. I think your idea of asking friends to write their messages, so beautiful and you can keep those cards with you always.

Kayc to be honest I would love to do something different. My fantasy is to get on a plane with my son and enjoy somewhere hot and not 'Christmassy' for a week but alas my finances won't allow it. It is strange isn't it how social Xmas is and yet when we are alone our loneliness is what is magnified. It is both a joyful and cruel time of year depending on your circumstances. I wish I lived close. You would have at least one present around the tree! It's typical that all our loved ones we are missing loved Xmas so much. I wish my husband hadn't been so keen, because I will also miss his excitement and absurdly huge trees, his last minute panic buying and his enjoyment of his lunch.

Kevin you have inspired me to at least get a small tree when the moment comes. Last year I wasn't going to put up a tree because of losing my mum (my husband semi agreed) but my son and his friend dragged one home anyway so I guess you are right.

Katpilot how true. It's a season full of land mines we laid over so many years just waiting for us to hit them. Every ritual developed, every traditional food bought sets us up for heartbreak later on. Your beautiful wife was only 51, it's all wrong isn't it? You are right,  I will lean on the support of others and particularly on this forum. I don't want to upset my friends and colleagues, who with all their compassion, can't possibly understand fully the heartbreak, when they themselves are looking forward to the Xmas season. In any case I would hate people to 'feel sorry' for us.  I live in the land of Godiva. It is a Belgian chocolate company and I am here in Brussels! I will think of you and your wife next time I pass a shop!

I just wish I could feel his presence or see or feel a sign from him, but there is nothing as yet. Maybe it's too early? Who knows.

I love the idea of snow angels Kayc how do you make them?

Thank god you both met and he was able to enjoy his life with you so much. They always say it's about quality not quantity of life. Personally I would prefer it if we had both particularly when it feels it was all over far too quickly, but that you met and were so happy is all we have now.

Dear Harleyquinn, please take good care of yourself. I did read in a book on grief I have that there are many physical symptoms associated with grief such as hot sweats, feeling very cold, heart palpitations, dizziness etc to name just a few. When your mind and emotions are all over the place you can just imagine the effect on the body. Your whole system is traumatised by what has happened. Interestingly these are some of the same feelings associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This grief business is serious stuff in every way

Good Kevin. We need all the laughs we can get right now Can you imagine how rich I'd be? With all the TV appearances and sponsorship deals for diapers? Not to mention my bestselling book 'Medical Miracle - a geriatric's guide to childbirth'....available on Amazon and Kindle of course

My Dear Kayc, please don't think about the alternative of NOT getting help. You could never have done that. it is the natural human instinct to do all we can and you did the right thing. You did all you could. Imagine having the thought 'what if' hanging over you now? It would be unbearable. Sometimes medical professionals are so focused on their job they don't think about the very human element of what they are dealing with. I have no doubt they hoped they could revive George and you would have time later. Having said all that Kayc they should not have locked the door or pushed you out.

Kevin you are so right when you use the words 'gut wrenching' and 'surreal' I felt like my own body had shut down and I realise now that although I was able to call an ambulance and speak and comfort him I realise now I went into shock.It is traumatic to be having a perfectly ordinary day and chatting normally and then lose someone so young right in front of you.

I could have my 5 minutes of fame as the oldest mother in town Kayc!

Dear Kayc, in the same way you knew you had to come back, I think your husband knew it was his time. You should never have been pushed out of the ward though, how unfeeling of the medical staff. When my husband was on life support the first night I wanted to stay all night as I was scared he was alone and that he would be frightened. I can see it was impractical as I had my son with me but even now I wish I had sat with him through the night. It eats me up.  He would have sat with me. Obviously we were back as soon as we could be the next morning but it isn't enough. I too said whispered to him to fight hard to stay. He was of course, unconscious though. 

When he could still speak I told him I was going to call an ambulance and he said 'not yet, not yet' he was going to try and fight and I think he thought that once the ambulance came it would be the end. 

Scba it sounds as though your boyfriend knew it was his time but was able to hang on for his brother which is wonderful really. We have so many questions don't we? So many mysteries we can't solve. One thing I know, is that all our husbands and wives and partners here were loved so much that if they had had a choice we know what it would have been. We need to take comfort in that.

I'm glad you are doing okay Kayc, it's all we can hope for. Like you I love the fall as did my husband because the colours are so glorious, but now I feel it is quite melancholy with the darker nights and mornings. I can't bear the season change into a season he will never see.

What a lovely idea you and George had of arranging the beautiful leaves in a vase. You probably feel it is impossible now -and lord knows I understand that - but they would look beautiful lit with a candle next to the vase and your favourite picture of George, so he can see the fall leaves too. It's funny how simple rituals that we used to enjoy together and get such pleasure from become the highest mountains to climb. My husband (nature lover as you know) would enjoy gathering acorns and spraying them at Christmas. I will miss his  whacky pumpkin carving at halloween which used to make my son and I laugh.

I just had a bit of a meltdown. His clean clothes at he bottom of the laundry basket. I just started weeping as I can't just leave them there but I don't have the courage to open his clothes closet and put them away and see all his shirts hanging where I put them when he was here, in readiness for him. What am I putting them away for? Not a good night tonight.

I agree Anne, I write here and in a journal and it does help. I hope you share your story with us HisBaby

It is beautiful isn't it Jan? There are 2 verses and below is the second verse which I think is equally as beautiful. I love it when he argues at the end that our material bodies do not have the same power as our spirit bodies which can always be together. He began his life as a skeptic but ended it believing in God and the afterlife so much so that he became a cleric and is buried in St Paul's Cathedral in London 

Let not thy wit beweep
              Words but sense deep;
              For when we miss
By distance our hope’s joining bliss,
       Even then our souls shall kiss;
       Fools have no means to meet,
              But by their feet;
              Why should our clay
Over our spirits so much sway,
    To tie us to that way?
              O give no way to grief.

Dear Butch, Thank you so much for all these pictures. You and Mary are doing what all good grandparents do and you are sharing the care just as KayC said. I would love to sit by the shore and hear the waves, those pictures of Florida made me jealous! I hope you have a wonderful time at the retreat Kayc, there are few (in my opinion) greater pleasures in life than walking on the beach.

Harry, What a privilege it is to read your heartfelt words. Your loving care for Henry shines from you. Your father in law was so fortunate to have been surrounded by compassion and love. I wish that for all of us when our time comes. Jane and her mom and dad are reunited now. May you and Gail take comfort from that and in the fact that Henry didn't die alone. I studied John Donne at school and I had forgotten what a wonderful poet he was. 

SOUL'S joy, now I am gone,
              And you alone,
              —Which cannot be,
Since I must leave myself with thee,
       And carry thee with me—
       Yet when unto our eyes
              Absence denies
              Each other's sight,
And makes to us a constant night,
    When others change to light ;
              O give no way to grief,
              But let belief
                  Of mutual love
              This wonder to the vulgar prove,
                  Our bodies, not we move.

I am dreading Christmas. I know it is early but I can see it looming and I just don't know how my son and I will cope. My husband loved Christmas so much and decorating the house and finding the biggest possible tree.

Last year was the first year without my mom who passed very suddenly in May 2014. We were all grieving and couldn't face Christmas at home, so we stayed in a lovely hotel. This year I felt I could cope with Xmas at home and head mentally prepared myself to an Xmas without Mom. Then my beloved husband passed suddenly at 49 years old in August and now I am totally lost. It is just me and my son of 16 and the sadness and dread is unbearable. I know soon, I will start hearing Xmas songs and seeing decorations and lights .A time of year we all loved so much has become a time of year to dread. Does anyone recently bereaved feel the same way? Does anyone who has had to live through their first Xmas have any strategies for coping?

If I had money I would get on a plane and go far away, but that is not an option I'm afraid.

Dear Ricky, I have been thinking about you a lot because our experiences are so alike. I feel the same. I cannot move his shoes from the stairs in case he needs them when he comes home. Intellectually, I know that is not going to happen but spiritually I cannot accept I will never see him living on this earth again. that he will never whisper my name or hug me and hold my hand, cook with me, pick me up from work, chat about the little details of life and parent our son with me. It is too much to bear. 

Scba has quoted from the book 'The Year of Magical Thinking' which I recommend as the author (Joan Didion) experiences and talks about the sense of her husband (who also died very suddenly) coming back. 

Every morning my son leaves for school and turns his head to look at his father's car. His dad always took him to school. This is the legacy of sudden death. No time to prepare, just a void and the unreality. I still walk around like a zombie half the time (2 months after) asking myself, why him? why us? 

Brad, like your beautiful Deedo, my husband was kind and compassionate. I am, like you, the more judgmental one. Maybe that is the lesson I have been given to learn through this nightmare. I haven't really felt him yet and it distresses me greatly as we were so close and co dependent in our relationship. He was truly my other half.

Nats, I think your advice of talking to your wife is true and I think it helps. Sometimes though I cannot even begin to speak I am so choked. I don't want my husband to feel guilty in anyway for his sudden passing so young, nor do I want him to see my distress. I don't want to upset him in any way.

I think if the truth be known we are all a little crazy and that is part of grief, because what has happened to each of us has rocked our world/belief system/normality/life and who wouldn't be crazy after that?

Dear Harleyquinn, you will NEVER forget so don't worry about that. Such love you feel for Michael can never die, it is eternal.

Maryann, I so feel for you. Your words are so beautiful. The 'little tremble inside'. I remember the tremble well. I just loved kissing my husband! Can I even say that? He was the best kisser in the world, so sweet and so tender.  My husband worked nights sometimes and I couldn't really rest until I heard his key in the door, then all was right with my world. I lay awake now knowing I will never again here the key and that somehow I have to make the world alright for me and my son alone. I can so identify with you when you say 'every day is proof he has gone' It is unbelievable, that is exactly how I feel. There is a sense of unreality to it all. Kayc I know you understand. 

KayC your experience is amazing and gave me chills for all the right reasons. I thought a lot about you being given a choice (my husband was only 49 and I know would have chosen to stay if he could) but I guess it was his time to leave. That is the only explanation I can find. 

Marty the video you posted gave me such hope I watched it twice!

Maryann I am so happy you got messages from Theresa Caputo, I have always marveled at her gift.

Katpilot your experience is exactly what we all hope for if we visit a medium and I am so happy for you. We all want to be told such detail that only we could know leaving us no room for doubt.

Like you Harleyquinn, I am looking round for someone reputable. It isn't easy in my case as I live in a non-English speaking country but there are a lot of expat people here so I live in hope. I have had no signs that I an, aware of from my husband and this is distressing me greatly. I feel I have to do something.

Bobby Goldsboro. It's beautiful Kevin

Dear KayC, Thank you so much for asking.  He is back at school today (his choice) and is on the mend. 

Work was a continues to be a nightmare with so many reminders of my husband at the office. Weirdly I find it harder to be there than at home which is odd really considering home is where he collapsed and it all happened. I am not totally convinced by the 'keep busy' theory. I feel better just sitting quietly reading or thinking. Like most of us I have to work so it is not an option to give up. The weather is turning here and the nights are getting darker earlier. I am dreading Christmas. It was always a big time for us and my husband loved it always bringing home the biggest and most impractical tree he could find! Last year was the first without my Mom and I couldn't face it so we stayed in a hotel in the English countryside. This year the thought fills me with such pain I feel sick. Money is tight now so my options will be very limited.

Stupid question coming up. How are you KayC?

Sorry Kayc, Marty you are absolutely right, I meant to put a comma and I realise without it how weird that sentence sounds. Yes my dad was 66 years old when he died.

Thank you Kayc. It would be a wonderful event if in future, my son marries someone that enables me to gain a daughter. I sincerely hope, for many of the reasons I have given, he goes on to have children and more than one, so that we don't continue in our family with jus 1 child. It is a very lonely place being an only child.

KayC

My husband's family (his father and brother) live on another continent and I have never met them. He has one cousin who lives in Paris but he is the polar opposite to my husband and we both of us thought him a little odd.As for me, I am an only child as was my mum and dad so I have no one left now. the hardest is that although we were so small in numbers (at one point I had my mum, dad and grandmother) we were so so close. First my dad died the same month I discovered I was pregnant with my son very suddenly at 66, then my grandmother 18 months later and then mum last year also very suddenly. Needless to say this was followed by my husband 2 months ago.

My husband, son and myself used to call ourselves 'our little family' we lived to love each other.

Dear Kevin, the tip of never leaving home without sunglasses is one I really took on board. This morning on my way to take the tram to work I was suddenly overcome. Our son is sick with a fever and bad chest cold, the first time he has been sick in over a year. I felt so bad at leaving him. He isn't a small child of course - 16 last week - but he is, was and always will be our baby. In the past we should share days like this. My husband would stay with him in the morning and me in the afternoon or vice versa. I was suddenly overcome by my sheer 'aloneness' that I have no one to worry over my son but me. It was a cloudy day but the sunglasses came out. Thanks Kevin.