debi.williams

No one who lives in the sun can feel the Winter George. people who are not on this road cannot possibly grasp what we are all going through and continue to. Even if they do experience this (and most of us will at some point) they may react differently. What bugs me is that people set false expectations, that you should be 'getting better' or 'getting over' or 'getting through' by a certain time.....anytime from a week after the funeral to a couple of months or so. I won't engage with these people on any meaningful discussions. It isn't worth it. In my case I simply say 'ok' when asked how I am and make it clear from that the discussion ends. My 2 oldest and closest friends support me by telephone as they don't live in the same country and my friend in New Zealand by email and of course, you all in this forum. So all in all I consider myself fortunate. I just wish I had some living family other than my wonderful son, but wishing doesn't make it so.

Hopefully the doctor Butch will be helpful. I don't think you even need to analyse why you are depressed you have been through so so much. Your family need you more than you will maybe even ever know. I am sending light and love your way

Maryann the song is amazing and Kayc I thank you for the post and I wept as I read the lyrics. The day before he died he said to me 'we work so hard we should be millionaires. I am sorry I can't buy you villas and beautiful shoes' and I replied 'we are millionaires we have each other' the song reminded me of that. 

Amy I echo all you have said. It is only 2 months (today) for me, but really what does a time comparison actually mean with grief? Nothing really. I know I was given my soulmate and I know he is gone from this earth. I know I will never again love like it and I know the shiny things in life have dulled and will continue to be just a little bit duller without him. I know I will age now in my own eyes and in the eyes of others whereas in his eyes I hadn't aged in 18 years. He saw me as the woman he first met and would have continued to. We were never changed in the eyes of the other. The promise of tomorrow, of holding his hand and laughing until we cried at some little private joke,has gone. 

Last night our son went out with some friends to celebrate his 16th birthday. It is the first time I have let him go out 'late' in the city. I sat alone unable to function until I heard his key in the door. I will always panic like that I fear. When he is late I see ambulances and emergency rooms and the grim faces of doctors but that is the legacy of sudden death I'm afraid. Hardly fair to my son but it is as it is. It hit me that no one on earth at this moment loves my son as much as I do. there is no one to fret with and rejoice with. There is a 'he' sized gap in our lives that can never be filled.

That was his precious gift of love to you Harleyquinn. May it continue, as Michael intended, to give you comfort

Maryann Thank you so much for your encouragement, your Fridays sound so cosy and much like ours. Kayc you are so right about weekends. I have noticed people (at work) start to say 'have a good weekend' and then stop halfway as they remember. I think the fact they stop is harder than th efact they say it.

Scba 'Life goes on' is a mindless statement to the bereaved It is more like 'TIME marches on' but life? OUR lives as we knew them? No that is the bit that doesn't go on and we so dearly our lives BACK. The one we had before the horror. I find some statements so mindless that they are as much use to me as shingle on a beach. You can't walk on it in shoes and if you walk barefoot they cut your feet. What is the good ?

Today it is 2 months since the nightmare of switching the machines off. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and other times like yesterday. I woke up with panic and it has stayed with me the whole day. Should I have kept the machines on for longer?  Would he have kept the machine on if it had been me? Could a miracle have happened? Could I have done something? How could I not KNOW this was coming?

Now we managed to live through, my son and I , his 16th birthday, I realise that never again can we say 'this time last year he was here' time just falls away and the memories of him decorating our living room with helium balloons everywhere - Max's 15th - will fade because we can't say 'last year Daddy spent hours decorating the living room'...It will become 'remember when...?' I never want to say 'Remember when'

I am so sorry too. We know how you feel. Please come back here and tell us your story

Marty your posts are amazing as is the links you provide for us. Thank you so much. I have yet to have anything tangible from my beloved husband but I certainly (and my son and husband) did last year when mum died. I think your advice below is perfect Marty.

Stephen, your experience was amazing. The tears came as I read it. I have no doubt your wife was so happy to see you they were tears of joy, but also she was giving you an extra 'sensation' of wet to prove to you to beyond any doubt she was there by your side as I know she always is. That was very forward thinking of her as it was an extra physical sensation. When my son and I saw the spirit body of my mother in our garden, he saw it first and I saw nothing. Then when she faded to him, I saw her and he couldn't. This again was adding an extra dimension, because if we had seen her at the same time we might both disbelieve our eyes but seeing her singly made it far harder for either of us to dismiss. Plus my son described to me perfectly what he saw moment before I saw her. I think our loved ones are so anxious we don't dismiss these experiences or try and find rational explanations that they try hard to find ways to make it so real we have to believe.

Feralfae what an amazing message of hope and comfort from Doug, what a wonderful man. I thank him and you for it.

Haryleyquinn, I am so happy you felt your beloved. You don't have to prove it to us, we believe you totally. There is no doubt in my head Michael came to lift the burden of grief from you to provide comfort. Only HE can do that for you in your grief and he did.

What would happen if you listened to your heart instead of your head, dear one, and accepted it for what it was? ♥

I hope you are having a better day too scba and with you all the way George as always.

It is Friday evening in Brussels and something about Friday evenings I find breathtakingly hard. I don't know if it is because 7 short weeks ago on Friday evening was our last evening together (he died on a Saturday) or if it's because we would do a little grocery shopping after work and then I would prepare a relaxed meal for the 3 of us (we have a 16 year old son) nothing special happened just our little family together.Everything hurts and everything aches. My son and I managed to get through his 16th Birthday together. I only broke once and that was when my son was out of the room but there is something about Friday evenings. It's the silence and the love and companionship that I treasured so much, all missing. I feel so empty without him

Really food for thought. Thanks Harleyquinn. I am finding it hard to get through number 2. I feel so much guilt for every cross word said which I know is irrational.

Dear Harry, wishing you inner strength and courage all the way

It is a wonderful image Marty. Butch my sweet man, the grief you are having to deal with is unfathomable. That you don't have Mary's hand to hold is absolutely heartbreaking. Despite a rich language there are simply no words for this bottomless sorrow I only wish there were. You are doing what you can to help yourself - for the sake of your son and family who so desperately need you - and your courage and bravery shine through.

I would do anything to make your pain lessen and for all those on this forum too. Sometimes, if not many times, only God can comfort us and ease our aching hearts. I thank you Butch for your prayers with every fibre of my being. I am blocked at the moment in my grief from praying. But I want you to know I am going to pray for you. 

Hi Kevin, I certainly am. I have bought many books on the subject. I bought a lot after my mum died last year and now I have lost my beloved husband so suddenly, you could say I have a preoccupation with the afterlife. I have had a fair number of experiences, particularly after my mum died, but nothings since my husband died 6 weeks ago which I find distressing, as we both believed in it. I was given a book recently with a non too promising title called '10 things the dead want to tell you' it is surprisingly interesting as it includes some science. I have only just started reading it, but I am hoping for an explanation as to 'how' the author knows all this.

Suitearia, I also read the Alexander book and found it fascinating.I know journalists etc have tried to pick fault with him but I personally found it credible. Healthy skepticism is fine if you are at least able to keep an open mind, but many skeptics just dismiss other's beliefs and experiences. Has anyone else read anything they can recommend?

KayC I am very interested in your experiences and would love to know more. Like you I believe I will see my husband again. If not, what has all that love been for?

Kevin, I am delighted that you have a dream journal, I will tell my son and I will start one and also to mark any little 'coincidences' or odd happenings. I haven't really had many though have you ? I know you heard Angela's voice which is wonderful. I have yet to receive anything so tangible.

Like you it is 6 weeks today for me since I lost my beloved husband. I am not surprised you had a bad time the other day. It is ONLY 6 weeks.

You are right mig when you say that people don't mean to say insensitive things. Society still can't deal with death even though it is the only guarantee in life. Having lost all my birth family including uncles and aunts and now my beloved husband, I certainly now know what I would say to a bereaved person and it certainly wouldn't include me putting MY emotions first.

Maybe your children mig are trying to protect you because they feel that talking about Tom on the anniversary of his birthday will be more painful? The trouble is, we WANT to talk about them. To remember and cry but also to remember some of the sweetest times and smile. It is a way of keeping them alive in our hearts and minds. 

Our children do have their lives and they need to have their own safe network of support, independent from us so that they can carry on when we go. It doesn't make it any easier though for those of us that feel sidelined and alone. I do think George's suggestion of asking directly without a 'guilt trip' is worth trying though.

Yesterday my son and I set off together. Him for school and me for work. He was joined by a girl (my son is 16 next week) who kissed him on both cheeks (we live in Belgium and this is a custom amongst the French speakers they are very tactile!) I dropped back a bit to allow him some space -it isn't 'cool' to be walking with mommy at his age. I watched as they chatted animatedly in front of me. I pretended not to be with them. We boarded the tram separately and he got off without a backward glance. I thought to myself this is HIS life starting now. I was so happy but filled also with a sense of loss all over again. I wanted to call my husband immediately and say 'Max has a girlfriend!' His daddy and I would have chatted about the details and taken pleasure in his first baby steps towards love. To not be able to do that - his daddy was a wonderful father and rejoiced in everything positive our son achieved - was like a knife through the heart.

Fae that was so beautiful. 

Dear Butch I so hope you have found some healing in nature. Your heart and soul have been battered too much, it is time for some peace for you and those you love. The suffering you and your family has gone through IS injustice. I wish you only comfort and joy from this moment on.

hi George, just wondered how you were doing? It is 40 days now for me and getting much much worse as the reality of his sudden passing sinks in and the day to day reality of life without him hits me every minute and every long hour

Hi Kevin just wondered how you were doing? I know it is 7 weeks since you lost your beloved Angela and on Sunday it will be 6 weeks since I lost my beloved husband. 

Beautifully said scba. I was sitting here earlier wondering if when we finally meet our loved ones whether we will have a conversation about their passing? I almost can't believe we won't because the devastation they have left surely merits some words. What do you think?

How are you Mitch? I have been thinking about you. I know you are at 6 months and on Sunday it will be 6 weeks for me, but I can't imagine it feeling any 'better' in 6 years.

It is a life sentence KayC you are right. I am so sorry you are not getting the consideration from your children that you deserve. The problem is that their lives (and rightly so) go on and ours have come to a halt in terms of our loss of true love and companionship. My soon to be 16 years old has (I pray) the best years of his life ahead of him and I feel the best years of mine are behind me. The loneliness already, even after such a short time, is awful. I just want to sit with my beloved husband chattering about anything.

Thank you both for your kind comments. I feel the sad truth is that no one 'gets' it who isn't experiencing it and this can leave you feeling so lonely and isolated. There are of course some exceptions, I have a wonderful friend in New Zealand who writes incredible emails to me and they are a huge comfort. 

Scba I am with you all the way when people talk about their families, particularly partners/husbands. I am sitting here in the office and 2 or 3 clients have come in with a cheery hello asking me 'what are you doing this weekend? Any plans?' I of course kept my brave face on and just replied 'no and you?'

The truth? Is weeping a plan for the weekend? Because it is mine.

Dear Karen, I was just wondering how you are feeling? Any improvement in your back pain? I hope you find some solace at one of the churches, I find that I can't even pray at the moment I don't think it is anger at God, just a feeling of hopelessness.I absolutely agree when you say you don't recognise your life anymore. It has only been just under 6 weeks for me but I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the supermarket and I didn't recognise the face staring back at me. Nothing is 'normal' anymore everything is different and yet everyone around me is living the same life.

Scba I think most of us can relate to what you are saying. My business partner when off on his holidays this morning, full of joy. He came back from Thailand only 6 weeks ago. I don't envy where he is going (he deserves his holidays he is a hard worker)nor do I want to be him but I so envy his joy and light heartedness. I cannot imagine feeling those ever again. 

I don't know if I am allowed to tell you here but I am reading a book called 'You'll get over it' (the rage of bereavement) I think it is apt because of what was said to you. It is the story of bereavement as it is not as we hope it to be. No 2 people are the same and there is no A-Z 'journey' as so many books talk about. No one can tell you where you 'should' be please remember that. the love you had was and is unique to you and you darned well deal with your grief in any way you see fit. Let no one bully you or judge you (easier said than done I know) We are not just grieving for our love, we are grieving for all the golden tomorrows we will never see with them. We grieve our past, present and future. If we have children, we grieve for the mothers and fathers lost. Nothing in the human condition prepares us for this. We saw a glimpse of heaven in the love we shared and now we are in hell. That we must go on (there is NO alternative) is gruelling, chaotic and heart breaking. I know my darling husband would have given anything for one more day with us and I have to respect that I have been given more days even if they are not the days I want. I read somewhere 'you have been given this life because you are strong enough to live it' I am not so sure most of the time.

Maryann, I don't see anything wrong with shying away from groups. I am very sensitive to noise at the moment and idle chatter is one of those noises I can't stand. I'm afraid I am just not interested in listening about people's plans for the weekend or any other time. When someone says 'my husband said...' my eyes fill with tears and I have to find the rest room. I must share with you both something startling. A good friend came over last night. She was with me at the hospital all that last day and when we turned the machines off. She has a good heart but she said to me last night 'I can't stop thinking about Mathew. It is only now I have come to terms with the fact he has gone'....Excuse me? I was speechless I can tell you. That is why being alone is sometimes preferable.

Oh Katpilot I can so tune in when you say It's almost like color disappeared in our yard it is the same here. Everything, and I mean everything, turned brown. I am desperate to keep his orchids at my office alive. Does anyone have any tips?

Kayc I agree. It is hard enough plodding on and trying to manage all the household chores. I know it has only been just under 6 weeks for me, but I should be looking after those things he loved if only to honour him but I am without energy.

Dear Maryann, It is extraordinary sometimes when we look back. Maybe Mark as you said had a 'subconscious' nudge of what was to come and wanted to make everything good with his friends.I don't think we should search for signs that any of our loved ones knew what was to come, I think it becomes more obvious when we look back after the event.  It sounds as though, from your words, it is possible Mark was driven to leave his friends with something concrete of his love for them. 

When my husband and I spoke about this subject, there were several people's passing we discussed, my husband was very open to the fact that some people 'knew'.

My Dear Kayc, Had he had any idea of what was to come he would have found a way to let you know. I am sure of that. The love you had together shines out of you. 

Ipraisehim, You will  be still in such shock and rightly so. This is a trauma and an assault to your senses. Everything that was 'normal' is now no longer. Your experience is the same as my mum's when my father passed. She too came home from work and found him on the kitchen floor. He was 66. I don't think the shock ever really leaves you. I wish I could say otherwise and comfort you. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone and although we know what atrocities go on in the world we somehow feel we are different. It won't happen that way to us, but it does and it has. My heart goes out to you. 

My dear Ricky, my husband was able to speak quite a few sentences to me and I know Andre and my husband passed from the same. I go over and over in my head how was that possible, he was able to ask me for aspirin, then sugar, tell me not to call and ambulance' not yet, not yet' and then give me the number to call. So Andre, I have no doubt was lucid for quite some time. I don't know if this is a comfort in any way but my husband -a very emotional and sensitive man - did not panic in any way. No screaming, no hysteria, in fact very calm. He simply looked confused as to what was happening to him but not in a distressed way. 

Your talking about your mum and her brother is totally related to my question and I thank you for it. I think, many times, that bonds are so strong that you do 'feel' when someone is in trouble. I totally believe your mum knew something was wrong. I originally asked the question because of the somewhat random things my lovely husband came out with on his last day. Uncharacteristically so. I feel that we sometimes get warnings but being so very human, we choose to ignore them. I know for sure animals know, so I was wondering if it is possible we do also.

I want to share with you a lovely email I received from a French speaker whom I have known for some time. He almost died at the age of 30 (he is 58 now) and is a famous speaker here in Belgium. I have been teaching him English for some time