hollowheart

I do agree with you guys about doctors. I had a doctor that I believe didn't like fat people. I have always been overweight and struggling with it. If I said the word "overweight" she was quick to say "OBESE" with a look like 'well, you are more than just overweight!" No matter what I went in for she'd corner me about losing weight and joining the weight loss group thing they had at the hospital, she'd basically bully me into agreeing to sign up. She made me feel awful about myself. She also constantly scheduled return appointments (for the money) just to check my weight. I was tired of taking off work and spending the co-pay.

My new doctor mentions my weight  but made me feel inspired to lose weight and she always praised me and was so happy when I lost some. It was like night and day.

I do blame my sisters doctors to a degree, although I have to blame myself for not calling an ambulance because no one could help her if I didn't alert any medical personnel so that was my fault. But they didn't help by constantly rescheduling her appointments. The weekend she went downhill she had an appointment on Monday--that had been rescheduled. She got sick on Sunday and it would have been perfect that she needed to see a doctor the very next day. But nope! 

I'm just so utterly devastated we didn't just go to the ER. I can't forgive myself for that.  I just know she would be here today. I know she would still be running back and forth to heart doctors, but at least she'd be here and alive.

How to heal a broken heart is a good question. I was feeling so depressed yesterday. I woke up around 3am this morning and just wanted to cry into my pillow.

My question is how do you have fun again? How do you find it? I get fleeting fun with my TV shows, but yesterday was just so hard for some reason. I talk to my therapist about how frustrated I get with my Mom and just not having anyone to do anything with and she suggested I join some groups that like to do what I do, like a group of people that like Star Wars or Museums. That is a good idea in theory, but I have done that before and I did make a few friends but what I realized is that even over a couple of years, we never became close enough to do much outside of the regular meet ups. And I think about how long it could take to make close friends in the first place. Not to mention, the meet ups can be awkward and not always convenient. People may not always want to do what I want. It mostly just makes me long for what I used to have, which is defeating the point.

I'm just so tired of trying to figure out how to be happy again.

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

 I have wished over and over again that I had forced him to go to the ER that Saturday morning, on the 10th of October, when he woke up without vision. These are the things that go through ALL of our minds. Shoulda, woulda, coulda... Praying that we could go back one more time just to have a do-over, but armed with the knowledge we have now.

Reading your post I could just about feel your panic and see everything you described. What an incredibly overwhelming ordeal. I"m so sorry. What you said here basically sums up my experience with my sister. I believe she had a stroke too. She did have a droopy mouth, dry mouth and slurred speech, but it went away, then came back, then kinda went away again.  Yet, here I am (along with my mom) waiting until she is unconscious to still wait even LONGER to call an ambulance in the morning.

I know we all "coulda, woulda, shoulda" but in my case I feel like such a fool and I know I cost her her life. Had we gone right at the beginning I know she would be here now.  It got to the point that her life was in my hands and I did nothing. I bet her stroke was about a day and a half old too, but yet, there I sit still doing nothing. We walked to the store when that time could have spent heading to the hospital. I will never forgive myself.

4 hours ago, scba said:

 Like, seriously, this is real?

I know this was a little excerpt out of your comment, but I had a little attack at my desk today where this was my thought. I was like, "omg, this is really real? This is the truth? This is really happening?" I still can't believe it. My sister and I watched  A LOT of horror movies and I think they invaded my dreams because I used to dream about us trapped somewhere or running from something, or me saving her from zombies or coming to her rescue.

I had a dream like that last night and I wished this was just a dream, all those times I would dream about her or us in turmoil together and we made it out. It's like those were bad dreams that were just dreams, but this is a horrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. It's true and it's the worse kind of nightmare. I felt like having a breakdown today. I kept thinking again about us walking home from the store and she was stumbling along and kept talking about her mouth so dry and wanting something to drink. I keep thinking "why didn't we focus on that? Make that more serious? keep on that? Just go right to the hospital?" I hate that I can't do anything about it now but let it torment me. I think about the last things we did together and it feels so far away, so odd to have so much time apart. We might have had a couple of days at the most we didn't exactly see each other, but we'd talk. But this is to much. It's true torment.

My mom has VERY bad arthritis in her lower back/spine and wants to sit down all day and try to get me to do things for her, so I feel even more frustrated and alone. At least I had my sis as an escape/entertainment, now I don't even have that.

@ Marg, I don't get why people say you can now "find yourself" as if now that you are alone your life is just waiting to blossom and bloom into something new and grand. The only thing I'm learning about myself is just how lonely I can be and just how much more enjoyable my life was with my sister in it with me. Her being gone does make me want to go "explore and live life" so I don't get why people say that.

17 hours ago, iheartm said:

 I want him to know that when I went to Walgreens today, I parked my car in the regular parking spot so that if he walked by the lot, he'd know I was in there. I was crying walking back to the car wishing more than anything that I'd see the baseball cap and his walk coming down the street. That I will never see that again is just too much to bear. 
 

@iheartm, this almost made me start sobbing. I think the same, because I'd sometimes run into my sister on the bus or train. Sometimes several days in a row, or we'd run into each other in Target (our favorite store) and always get a laugh that we happened to be thinking alike and were shopping at the same time.

I will forever miss that. I will forever miss that there is no one else on the planet that thinks the same and was pretty much my other half. I remember once we both started singing the Scooby Doo theme song at the same time moment. We had heard it earlier so it was stuck in our heads, but to sing it right at the same time, that's crazy. I miss having those things. We had a lot of fun together. Always. I feel so alone.

15 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel so alone in all this pain.  My friends are sick of my grief.  My niece has been very good, but as soon as I mention how much I miss Al, she texts me one of thse little sad faces.  No words.  It is too bad that they all do not understand?  at all.

I had to reply to this because my friend did the same thing when we were texting and for some reason it made me feel even more alone and mad. It just felt so disconnected and cold to just have a sad emoji in place of an actual conversation or words of understanding. Whatever. That's why I'm done with all my friends except one. 

She wanted me to reach out to the others and I did and I feel like I did my part, I let them know I would like to hang out again, but I'm not chasing people down. If they do contact me I would probably ignore them out of spite.  At times I feel it's better on my own because when I'm feeling down I don't feel like I can truthfully say why I'm sad, people get all funny about it. According so most people, losing a sibling is not that big a deal anyway, so I should be over it already.

11 minutes ago, TH said:

 and then it'll hit me, there won't be any more talking. He's completely gone forever. It's terrifying.

Yes, it is terrifying. That is a perfect word to describe it. I seriously still cannot believe this has happened.

I looked at something on Dr. Phil where two ladies were getting their kids ready to go somewhere. One of the ladies left the front door open and the other ladies toddler came out and got behind the car and the lady who left the door open backed up over her. The mother of the little girl said she does not blame her but of course the other lady is very guilty and blames herself. I wondered if that mother honestly does blame her, I really think she does, even if it was for a little while, but she would probably never admit it.

I kept thinking how does that lady move on? I don't know if they still see each other, but how do you live with yourself and move on, especially if they still see each other. It was truly an accident, even if she did leave the door open. I just don't know. I know we didn't make our partners ill but there are always a million what ifs.

I guess when I hear about people living with heart problems, they still live a healthy life or they had surgery of some kind and things are better I do feel like I robbed my sister of that opportunity because I didn't rush her to a hospital in time. I still believe had she gone when she was JUST starting to feel funny she could have been saved. We just let it get worse and worse and there might have been no coming back by the time we even attempted to try. So because of that I can't help but blame myself.  I know people who rush to the ER because of a splinter and I wish I was one of those people. I don't know why I wouldnt' rush her out of there knowing she had heart problems of all things. Just stupid.

I feel the same as you all. I just had a very 'wall slamming moment' of thinking of my sister. She didn't want to die, she had another 50 years to experience. I hate thinking of her life being cut short. I miss her so much.

50 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Billy's illness was such a surprise, so aggressive, so fast, he went from cane, to walker, to wheelchair so fast and for such a short dignity robbing time that I think he saw there was no future, and in those five short weeks he could not talk to me.  My telling him I could not live without him, we were going to have a miracle robbed us of talking.  What idiot robs the final curtain with anger?  Me. 

Marg, I'm so sorry you have those last thoughts. I feel very similar, as I've said multiple times and I have those same feelings. I think 'what idiot sees someone barely conscious and waits until the next morning to try to get someone to the hospital who can barely walk instead of calling an ambulance? Oh, me! Right here!'  I have condensed that story to other people instead of here because I'm embarrassed to tell people I'm so stupid.

I'm always jealous of those who don't work anymore and don't have to paste on a happy face for 40 hours a week. But I see now that a lot of free time right now can be just as frustrating. I know my weekends just about drive me insane with all that downtime and my running buddy not here. I'm just not used to going it alone, and I only mean certain things like shopping. Not much fun without someone there to show a great find too or just spend 3 hours in a store together browsing. Now I feel like I rush shop which is not fun.

Anyway, I guess it's all pretty sucky. Work gives me something to do, but there is no anticipation of fun after the work, which I think makes me resent work (which I don't like anyway) more. Sometimes I get really depressed and think what kind of life is this without anticipation of fun times?

1 hour ago, iheartm said:

I am having trouble sleeping again. I zonk out at my regular bed time and then wake up, wide awake, an hour later and then sleep in 10-20 minute increments for the rest of the night. Sometimes I just watch the clock tick on by.

All I want to do is go home and lay on the couch doing nothing. 

OMG. Me too!! This is like I wrote it. I'm having the same exact problem. I have found myself very tired/sleepy during the day and at my regular bedtime. I also zonk out at night then wake up at 1 or 2 am and I think I sleep/wake/sleep/wake until I finally get wide awake a couple of hours before my alarm, which sucks. Then I'm tired and cranky during the work day.  I might have to ask to change my sleeping pills,I'm taking Ambian but they don't keep me out long enough.

Your last line is how I feel RIGHT NOW.

1 hour ago, brat#2 said:

I think our guilt is going to be difficult to get through.  The feeling of not doing enough to save them, the guilt of us still being here and they are not.  I think we all now it's not really our fault, but that is a hard feeling to get through.

It sure is, and I don't think I ever will. And is no one that understands that, they all say let it go and move on. I guess I do have survivors guilt on top of the frustration of her just being gone. I'm at my desk now feeling a little crazy. I need my life back.

Scba, I have those 'why' moments too. Things that mean nothing to others were a big thing for me, like getting a car. I think about me and my sister couldn't wait for me to get a car and all I could think of was the freedom we'd finally have, and all the fun we'd have together going to places we couldn't get to before and doing just what we wanted. Now I think, why did this have to happen? I'm finally going to get a car and I probably won't even want to drive it. It's not fair I will have one without her. It's just not fair we waited so long for our fun and now we are robbed. Yet one more reason I stay so angry and moody.

Gin, I don't know how to get rid of my guilt either. I talk to my therapist about it a lot. I think that's where some anger came in when friends would say "just ask for forgiveness and move on."  I think right now I'm just pushing it down inside. Lately I've been thinking about that last weekend when she started going downhill and I was rushing her out of the store because I wanted to get home.

Why wasn't I more insistent she go to a hospital instead of just going home? Like you, in the end I know she needed me and I let her down. For things to end so tragically is more than I can bear. It's one thing if they were hurt badly but recovered, but to die is just beyond what I can handle. Never in my worst nightmares did I see this coming to fruition, even when she was diagnosed with a bad heart. She was pretty much back to herself and I guess I got lax about the seriousness of it. I was the last person with her that long so I can't help but blame myself for not helping her when she was clearly unable to help herself.

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

 My last emotion to him was anger because I did not want him to give up.  When this enters my mind I am supposed to say STOP!!!!  I just let it enter again.  I have to take my granddaughter to doctor today so I will take my Xanax that this memory always flips me out.  I hope he understood and forgives me.  

Marg, I have done the exact same thing. When I think about how I didn't call an ambulance, which might have saved her, I get anxiety and need a pill. But I don't think my pill is working as well as your Xanax. I'm trying to tell myself to stop with those thoughts too. I remember the last weekend she was alive we were out really late and I was trying to rush her home because I had work in the morning, and I know she was trying to be nice about it. I try not to hate on myself but I do. The last thing I need is more guilt.

Brat, I hope the days get easier for you--and all of us--as well. I think the very brutal days will get less and less and navigating the day to day will get better. I hate to use the word "easier" because there is nothing easy about this. There is nothing easy about someone you love just being gone and that absence is like a loud shrilling horn all day long. But soon there will be more hours in the day you can get through them better than you did before. *sigh*

30 minutes ago, TerriL said:

 And then my sister will call, tell me all the things that she and her husband have done together that morning and then say to me, "I hope you're enjoying this beautiful day, too!" You have no idea how bad I wanted to say, "Oh, yes! Paul and I took a walk around the block this morning, too. But, then his urn got too heavy and I had to carry him back home." Instead, I graciously suck it up and exchange pleasantries. Of course, then you hang up and that's when the anger hits you. 

Terri, don't take this the wrong way, but this was hilarious. I can imagine the face of the person you said this to (I know you didn't) but I know they'd be so embarrassed. Things like this hit us everyday because it's the reminder that everyone is enjoying their non interrupted life, just like we were at one point, and it really feels in your face when they do things like this.

A girl at work asks me every Friday what my weekend plans are. I always want to say 'I have no weekend plans anymore"  but I"m not going to be awkward debbie downer, but it hurts.

Kay, pets definitely can make a difference. All my cats have their own personality. I have one that will sit at the kitchen table on a chair like she is waiting to eat. It just looks so funny because I will turn around and she is sitting there like she's waiting to be served, her little cat face and head looking so out of place at the table, lol. It's nice to get that unexpected laugh because laughter is hard to come by nowadays.

14 minutes ago, kayc said:

Cookie, I have belief in God but I don't see what that has to do with missing George, which is ever present.  One does not replace another! 

I think this is where a lot of the clashes come in with Faith and loss and grieving and all that. I have a few very religious friends and they bring God into just about everything, and that's great for them. At Christmas I talked to one about missing exchanging gifts with my sis and she said she didn't need to exchange presents because she had God. I didn't get that, but left it alone.

So like you said, I don't know how one thing has to do with the other. I usually don't like to go into it with people because when you sound dismissive about how Jesus can't help you with this they practically pass out. I feel the same when people would tell me I can still talk to my sis anytime. Well, it's not the same now is it? So they can keep that to themselves too.

2 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Everything is fine.  I just had a moment.  I have those more since John died; hopefully that will lessen.  You're all very kind and supportive.  Hugs to everyone from me....Cookie

I have those moments about 15 times a day, lol. I get it.

19 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I think belief in God is very personal, and although I'm glad it is helping some, it doesn't work for my pain and loneliness.  The problem with telling people if you just had God, you wouldn't feel so bad, is that it's another guilt thing making you feel like you don't measure up.  I'm really happy for whoever can derive comfort from their belief system, but we should be careful about putting that on others who are are feeling bad enough already.  I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that I've had the community Christian ladies come at me with if I just had Jesus I would feel better.  Now they may believe that, but they don't know what my beliefs are and it's not very nice to add another burden to an already over-burdened person.  Respectfully, Cookie

Cookie, thank you and I agree. I guess I wish my Faith was that strong, but it's not. I think that's a slippery slope to get into in connection with loss, because not everyone can just "let go and let God" I can in some things, but not this. I think some have a strong Faith and other cling to it because they have nothing else, and they need to believe in something. And that's fine. I don't like the guilt either, but they are good at making you feel that way.

17 hours ago, mittam99 said:

All of us here are grieving. And in this particular forum, most of us have lost our soul mate. I may take heat for saying this but, I think the loss of a beloved spouse is the deepest hurt of all personal losses.

I'll respect this forum thread since I'm basically trespassing in here, but I need to say that all personal losses are the deepest hurt.  Grief comparisons are the last thing we need. Losing my sister as an adult I not only lost my past, but my childhood, my present and now my future. I'm still utterly devastated.

On 2/27/2016 at 6:49 AM, iheartm said:

There is something about the supermarket that just gets me. I remember about three years ago, I was in there and my cell phone rang. It was him and he said, "Hey, where are you?" and I said, "I'm in the supermarket." He said, "What aisle?" So I said, "What?" laughing. He said, "I'm in aisle 4!" and we met up and laughed about that. I am welling up right now typing that. we have a Walgreens market by us as well and every time I went in there, I would park in the same spot (I was lucky to get it 95% of the time) so if he was out for a walk and passed by, he would see that I was in there and would come in and meet me. To see him appear in Walgreens and smile and come up to me was such fun.

OMG, this made me cry. Oh why did I read this? lol. This is EXACTLY what me and my sister would do all the time. It was fun too because we always went to the same places. I sometimes think about the time we ended up having a doctors appointment at the same time on the same day. (we both went to Mercy Hospital) and it was cool to be able to go together. How I wish we were just going to a doctor now!

We used to run into each other on the bus or train. I go out now and sometimes I wish to run into her but I know there is no possibility now. It's so hard to grasp that reality.

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Remembering isn't a substitute for living it, is it?!

Girl, you have told the truth again! Also, I find that I feel like my sister is fading from me. The longer it gets the further away those last times are we had together. I fear what I will feel in 20 years, having to dig back that long to try to remember a "good time" that won't be fun.

Gwen, you hit the double nail what you said about times now that can't be shared, and that is one of the worst parts in all of this. I think it's why a part of me doesn't want to do anything very fun anymore. My sister loved Game of Thrones and just about everyone in the world watches that, so when I hear GoT references on other tv shows or trailers for the upcoming season and I can't go "ohhhh, look at this!" and get excited with her. It just feels empty and sad that she's not here to enjoy things she loved. Ugh!  H A T E this!!! 

4 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Will be glad to see this month finish...it has held a lot of emotional triggers and I am tired.  I don't like wishing time away, and I know it is probably not just this month that has held triggers...each month coming up will hold their own.  The emotional back and forth in itself is tiring.  There are many evenings when I  get home from work, and after I take care of the furbabes and get my dinner over, I finally sit down and all the thoughts that have been going around in my head go silent, and are replaced by something mindless like the theme from "The Simpsons" while I play solitaire on my Kindle.  Especially by Friday.  Last night, while watching "Grey's Anatomy" I found myself crying...I know I am reaching that point of losing my strength to appear "normal".  I miss having Mark there to discuss what went on, or to hug me when something really sad happens.  Last night was all about the tearing apart of a marriage, and my heart ached.  I am so grateful for the wonderful (though NOT perfect) marriage I had with Mark.  I am just selfish and wanted MORE of it.  I find when I get emotional and stressed and tired that I get frustrated and it comes out like a bright red color.  Then I dissolve into tears.  Like the other morning when I could not get my babes to go out in the rain and go potty.  It was affecting my morning schedule and the more it went on, the more frustrated I got.  When it boiled over, I screamed and then began to cry.  How does one deal with anger when you really aren't angry at someone or something?  I am not angry at Mark...I don't feel he abandoned me.  How could I?  He didn't leave on purpose.  I can't logically be angry at him.  But the frustration comes from somewhere.  I guess I felt what little control I have was slipping away and I got angry.  I KNOW control is an illusion...but having something (schedule-wise) rigid, helps me deal day to day.  Anything else creates the feeling of being in a tailspin.  Even at almost 15 months out.  It is all so tiring.

Froggie, I feel like I understand everything you said and feel the same way. (I love the The Simpsons too, by the way). I also get that quick frustration and anger. You actually are angry at something, you're angry at the situation. You're angry that this situation had to affect YOU and disrupt your life. I use the word "selfish" too, but really, it's not selfish. Our people were taken prematurely. So, to want them back for another 10, 20, or 30 years or more is not really selfish it's realistic to me. My Grandma was 103 when she died. We were all supposed to have this long with our loved ones.

 Sometimes I feel that 'going crazy' feeling again when I think to hard about the silence in my life. I miss my sister's voice, I miss just chatting with her and hearing her opinions and hearing her laugh and joke with me. That silence is loud as can be.

I get tired of trying to muddle through a situation that I'm forced to live in and deal with. I also hate that I want desperately to replace what I had with her but know that I can't. My therapist recommended some meet up groups that like to do the things we used to do. I'm thinking about it but am already frustrated that it won't be the same and will probably be worse. Trying to force fun in the company of strangers. I don't know. Maybe one day.