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hollowheart

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    545
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About hollowheart

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Sister
  • Date of Death
    NA
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Chicago, IL

Recent Profile Visitors

2,251 profile views
  1. Coming back here feels so foreign, but at the same time I see a lot familiar names so I know I'm in the right place. Just did a quick read through and my heart tugged at knowing we are all still trying to cope and triggers are still there, still there for me too. Everyday. All day. My life has got even worse, if that could be possible. I think my mom has Alzheimers. She went into the hospital for uncontrolled diabetes and I think that set it off. She had other health issues that kept her there for 3 weeks. She couldn't walk after and now she is in a SNF (Skilled nursing facility) and not doing good. I have seriously thought of hospice. I just feel so lost and overwhelmed, trying to do all this on my own. I need my sister here to share the stress and care giving. This is so hard. I have some aunts and my dad, but really, it's all on me as The Daughter. I really need my sister to lean on and don't have her. I feel so lost and stupid sometimes tying to talk to doctors and hospital staff and not really knowing if I'm asking the right questions or handling things correctly. I'm very passive and needed my sister to give me strength to speak up, complain, etc. I'm not equipped to make these decisions alone. I'm frantic in trying to figure out exactly what is wrong. The hospital and this SNF are crap and were ZERO help. They do nothing but tell me she's not eating, no offers of calling her treating doctor (who I can't stand and does nothing) or offering help. She has stopped eating so I know where that will lead. I am in shock that I lost my sister and now this? Oh, and I was laid off from my job 3 weeks before she went into the hospital. On that front, it came in handy because I had 24/7 to deal with her. This has totally consumed my life. I also just bought a car, so now a car and no job. Whew! This life!!! I want to just jump off a bridge. I'm just done.
  2. If your name wasn't on that post I would think I wrote it. Feel exactly the same WORD FOR WORD.
  3. I don't mean to invade the forum with this kind of news, but I was a mega Prince fan and am heartbroken about this news. I am a fan of the 80's and 80's music is still my favorite. First Michael Jackson, not Prince. I felt like those two and Madonna were the last mega stars of that era of music. (I know they are others) but those three all basically blew up at the same time and lasted for decades, something that is hard to do. Losing him also makes me sad--again--for my sister because we were both HUGE Prince fans and I would have been right on my phone texting her about it. Having no one close to me that would really care is another form of loss. It's just devastation all over again. R.I.P. Prince.
  4. Yeah, I never went this long without seeing or hanging out with my sister. She was my #1,2,3 for socializing, so sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. So much time apart feels odd and frustrating.
  5. The connectedness is definitely what I miss. I used to see some of these people in person, but a lot live in different states. Facebook was fun for me, and I loved posting silly stuff, cool pics, updates about what I was doing or what I did that weekend, just like everyone else. I don't go on anymore, but the couple times I did peek it felt like all that hurt and pain was hitting me all over again. It was like seeing my old life roll by laughing at me, saying this is what you used to have. It makes me feel forgotten.
  6. I'm not doing any of that. I don't even have any friends. I don't really have any motivation for any of the stuff you're "supposed" to do. I hear my therapist telling me I gotta get out there, but I'm not listening. It sorta makes me feel desperate. Like "Gotta make some friends!" I also hate better coming weather. "BBQ" weather always made me feel good in the past. Also, I live in a big city so there is a million things to do when the weather was great, but knowing I have no one to plan any of it with makes it all so sad. I feel alone, forgotten and sad in a world where everyone has something to look forward too. I know I am depressed. I stay in bed as much as possible and that's one of the main signs, "Living" in the bed. I was taking my antidepressants but didn't feel any difference. I know I probably wasn't taking them long enough. Another reason I stopped was I didn't want to be bothered with the doctor trips when my refills ran out. That I'm going to the doctor for anti-depressants because of grief makes me even more depressed. Sometimes I just sigh and feel like wailing thinking about my reality. I still cannot believe it. Seeing my car also brings on a wave of depression knowing how much that meant to us both and the unfairness of all that. I have never been depressed in my life. Even when I got fired I wasn't depressed, just worried for a while. I don't see this lifting.
  7. My mom always wants me to into my sister place to do something or get something for her because she has a bad back and doesn't want to walk or carry much. I try to help, but overall, I just can't go in there. I hate seeing all her things all untouched and where she left them. It's just a reminder that she has not been back and never will again. Her place was a place of life and fun, she liked to decorate and liked fun bright stuff. I hate this. Ambulance sounds can still sometimes get to me and any time I see or hear anything about CPR. Seeing anything about siblings on TV or in real life gets to me because I don't feel like a sibling anymore, actually I'm not and I was for 40 years. When I see anything about the bond of twins or siblings I think, well, not part of that world anymore. So sad and upsetting.
  8. hooked on reality shows? *meekly raises hand* But in my defense, The majority of them aren't some of the really bad ones, like Here comes Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty. I do watch the Housewives, I used to watch all of them, but I only watch two now. I used to watch those child beauty pageant ones too, but they don't come on anymore. I watch Rupaul's Drag Race, Project Runway, Hell's Kitchen. A few days ago I actually noticed how much reality TV I watch, more than I thought. I watch Dance Moms and I like shows like Tiny House Hunting and the House flipping shows. But those aren't really reality TV. It's pretty hard to not get blindsided unless you stop watching TV altogether and watch the same 10 movies over and over. I was actually playing a video game and this man had found his kidnapped son who almost drowned and he was doing CPR on him, of course I thought back to when I was doing (useless) CPR on my sister. Wouldn't have given a second thought before. Gwen, I know what you mean about wanting to hold onto the TV shows. I feel the same about not being able to finish some season finales. We watched a lot of the same shows, and she got me hooked on some new ones so it's not fun to watch alone. Some of the new seasons are starting (Mindy Project, Game of Thrones) and she is not here, those were ones we liked to watch and she got me hooked on Game of Thrones, now she's not here for us to freak out over John Snow. I'm about 10 episodes behind on Supernatural. The joy is gone. I also notice it's hard to stay focused for hour long shows now. Sometimes I just don't have the mental stamina.
  9. Sheesh, what kind of people are you guys running into. A broken elbow and no help? I like the offer, even if I can do it myself. I remember being in this restaurant and this waiter helping me put my coat on and I was like "whaaa?" It felt strange, almost like too much help, lol. But it was nice that he was such a gentleman. Like when I get on the bus, or going in a door I will actually let men go first, I don't care, especially if they are already in front of me. But I eye roll if they don't offer women to go ahead when they clearly see a bunch of them waiting to get on or go in somewhere. I just want the offer.
  10. WK, if you feel up to it, you can start a new Facebook profile and just friend your kids and other family, then you know you will only see those few peoples posts. As much as I loved Facebook, it's very intrusive. I continually get messages if I "know" this person. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Even if I was happy go lucky right now that would still annoy me. I don't need that and I wouldn't want Facebook alerting other people to me being on there. Thanks FB, but I don't need to be friends with everyone I have ever met in my entire life.
  11. So sick of everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
  12. I'm sorry you got sideswiped with pain. Facebook is especially good for that with the memories, I forgot they do that. It was fine 'before' but I can't fault them. That's what Facebook is for. I had to abandon it because of my friends happy lives. Don't need to see it. I hate this life too. And don't worry about not posting anything cheereful. This is exactly the kinds of things this forum should be for. It's not always about hope and light. When you're pissed, be pissed. Today is Friday and my and sister and I would surely be looking forward to the weekend and hanging with each other. I have no sister, friends, no life, nothing. I'm anger, broken and pissed and still cannot believe she is not here with me. This hell we're in is just a circle.
  13. I miss this kind of stuff too. All my mom wants me to do now is drive her to pick up dinner or groceries. Not much interaction, just chauffeur her around then go back home. She doesn't get why this breaks my heart. It makes me even more depressed.
  14. Ahaha! I loved Gilmore Girls too. They just recently started running the re-runs because I think they might have a reunion or something. I've been watching the re-runs when I catch them. I almost bought the box-set but changed my mind. But I also agree about TV shows because my sister and I loved a lot of the same ones and there are about 10 that I have yet to finish the seasons and that does sadden me because that's just one more fun thing I liked that has to be cut out of my life continuing to make my life even more miserable than it already is. My thing with TV was that it was broken up with hanging out with her, so now without her it's like all I can do now is watch show after show and I'm not that kind of TV Zombie. I like interacting with people after a while. We loved horror movies, and the fun thing was watching together, being worried for the characters, hoping they survive, being scared. We especially loved graphic deaths/horror like Saw type of movies. Now I can't go "Oh my god! Did you see that?!" to anyone but myself. *sigh*
  15. Argh! All this replying is coming off the wrong way and getting confusing. I was trying to paraphrase that, and say that I was replying to you picking out something I said earlier. When I wrote the 'praised if they are positive' part I was talking about what *I* wrote earlier. I understand what you are saying about when you are down you want to be open to being uplifted. Nothing wrong with that and I agree with you. I know that is what this forum is for, to help us feel better. I was just trying to say that sometimes when I'm down I don't want to be cheered up. Sometimes when you vent, it's just that, you just need to vent. But I just wanted to say that to hopefully clear it up that I was not trying to attack or anything, and I apologize for any misunderstanding.
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