Gin

Marg,

after my husband died, my daughter drove me home.  I kept saying, "I never want to come down this street again, never want to go in this garage again, never want to go in the kitchen again.  Never want to do anything again without Al.  Still feel that way.  Tonight I went to the restaurant that Al and I used to go to.  First time.  Not nice.  All these things are so hard.  I only had my love for 16 years.  We were both widowed and came out of marriages that were not that great.  We felt so blessed to have each other.  We were hoping for a lot more, as we all do.

gin

Gwen,

i feel much the same as you.  There seems no point in doing anything.  Everyone tells me to remember the good times.  That does not work.  I want those times back!  Feel so empty and useless.  I am having a hard time taking care of all the stupid details involving banks and lawyers.  

Gin

My prayers are for you Janka.  It is so hard!

Gin

Wolfskat,

I am sure your husband heard you read the letter.  When my husband did not respond anymore, I just sat the whole night holding his hand and talking to him.  Told him how much I loved him and what a great husband he was.  Right before he quit responding, he said something I could not hear.  I got closer and he said "It's so hard to say goodbye".  I believe they heard us and knew how much we loved them.

Gin

Kay,

must have been a very lonely Christmas for you.  No one but those who are grieving understand.

Gin

Gwen,

the bank accounts were a big mess.  I am just about done, but still have to take care of some bonds that he had before I knew him.  No beneficiary.  I have to fill out more forms.  The days seem so long and pointless.  I don't care much about anything.  I see my daughter every other week, which is nice, but not enough.  I do not think she knows how horribly lonely it is.

Gin

Hi Tfer,

i am so drained looking at death certificates, wills, etc.. The bank would not cash the bonds and I have go to the Treasury to do it.  Then I got extra keys, since I locked myself out  recently.  Tomorrow I have to get another remote garage door opener, since I "misplaced" my other one.  I'm doing great.  Thanks for your support.

Gin

Dear Hollowheart,

Things like your cards really tear you up.  Even little things take on big proportions when we are grieving.  Hope things improve for you.

Gin

Brad,

It sure is hard to change bank accounts, etc..  My banking went badly today.  Have to deal with the Treasury Dept. to cash some bonds!  More forms.  It is just so sad and having to do it all alone.  Thanks for your support.

Gin

Thanks Wolfskat,

we are all on such a hard journey.  Glad we have wonderful people to talk to.

gin

TH,

Thank you for your thoughts.  Today I have to get extra keys made, and another garage door opener.  And take Al's will, etc. to the bank.  It is hard to think that things can improve at all without him.

Gin

thank you Gwen.  I caught myself several times yesterday saying "us" inappropriately.  We were always together.  Today I have to take Al's will, death certificate, etc. to the bank.  It is all so very depressing.  

Gin

Thanks, Brad.  I sure hope we all improve.  This is no way to live.  Always feeling so empty.

Gin

Tomorrow morning it will be 3 months since my beloved Al died.  I miss him so very much.  We had 16 wonderful years together, but I sure wanted more.  I still do not sleep well and find it hard to find meaning in anything.  We were retired and were very active every day.  It was never HIM or ME, but always US.  Can never replace that.  I am doing things that I never did before...locking my keys in the car, losing the garage remote, etc.. It is so stressful taking care of the trust he had and dealing with bankers and lawyers.  So much focusing on his Will, Trust, death certificate.  I am worn out.  I am glad that you are all there to let me vent.  I know my family and friends are getting tired of listening.  It seems that I am very good at coming up with more reasons why the doctors should have been able to save him.

That was one of my husband's favorite hymns, also...In The Garden.  My husband played the mandolin.  At his memorial service my nephew and niece accompanied the hymn singing on the mandolin and flute.  Al would have loved it.  We had 5 of the old, old hymns at the service.  We old timers loved it.  Then the final hymn was a jazzed up version of Just a Closer Walk With Thee done in Dixieland style.  Al and I saw the Canadian Brass do that at a concert last year and he loved it.

Gin

Thanks Janka,

then for sure we will be.

Kay,..it sure is.  Friends invited to go as a 3rd wheel for dinner.  Just cannot do it.  What a wet blanket I would be!

Watching the news.  They were talking about famous people who "left us" this past year.  Our loved ones were not included!  The most important ones!

Gwen...I share your feelings.  I was married young and had 4 kids.  After 31 years, my then husband wanted out.  I went to a church sponsored group and too quickly hooked up with a clergyman.  We were married after about a year.  He had so many mental problems and killed himself after a year!  The pain and guilt were terrible.  After 6 years I met my soul mate, who was a widower.  We married and had 16 wonderful years together.  I wonder if I will be with him in heaven.  Or his previous wife.  So, I too do not have that peace of being re-United.

gin

Gwen...yes, I count the hours I still have to fill each day.  Last night I finally tackled the check book.  I used to be so good at it.  Now it was a mess.  Finally did it, sort of.  Looked at the clock and was so happy that I only had 3 hours left!  Forgot that was the clock I never turned back,  so disappointed I had to kill an extra hour.  Life sure is miserable without Al.  

Gin

Gwen,

People  tell me to remember the good times.  That just makes me sadder!  No more good times.  I cry all the time.  I was suppose to go to the lawyer today to finish some of the awful stff.  Ice storm last night.  Finally got the stairs cleaned off, but the sidewalk is solid ice to the garage.  Had to cancel.  Can not fall.  I am inside alone most of the time.  Talk to some on the phone, but it sure is not the as having your best friend with you.  Sure hope things improve for all of us.

Gin

I am missing my Al so much again.  It has been 12 weeks.  All I have done is cry today.  I am so counting on being with him in the afterlife.  We were both widowed when we met.  We were soul mates from the start.  I was 60 and he was 65 when we married.  We were together all the time.  We went to more than 600 plays and concerts during the 16 years we were together.. If there is no marriage in heaven, how are we going to be together?  And what about our first mates?  I only want to be with Al.  He was so good to me and I know he felt the same way about me.  Anyone have any thoughts?  I miss him so much.

Thanks all.  I know I was so very sensitive tonight.  This was always OUR holiday and his absence was so obvious.  He used to enjoy so much talking to everyone.  I guess I felt guilty laughing with the kids.  Everyone seemed in such a good mood- except me.

You are probably right.  I don't think they are comfortable when I start to cry.  I am thankful they came over.

I had my daughter, son-in-law and 3 grandkids over tonight.  We always had Christmas Eve.  They are step children/ grandchildren to my late husband.  He was so good to them all for the last 16 years.  He always made things for the kids and we took them so many places.  Tonight, no one mentioned him except me.  I felt so bad.  It was like no one cared or missed him.   After they all left, I cried for an hour.  It has only been  less than 3 months, but how could they forget him already?

Gin