WolfsKat

It "works".....but having such issues with the wifi in my park here in Florida.....at best I get a "fair" signal, and I'm located within 25 feet from the tower thingie!  So frustrating to get "bumped" offline or everything "freezing" and I have to reboot.  No use in complaining, as both internet and cable TV is provided free here. Perhaps it's due to the influx of snowbirds and additional persons using the wifi service?  I'm very "techno impaired".......that was Connor's forte, not at all mine.....always call him my personal tech guru.  My kids, knowing that I am a avid reader, got me one of those "Nook" things for Christmas that I can get books on & read them. I am starting to play with it a bit....but rather intimidated by any new technology. I did not even have a cell phone until about 5 years ago!  Connor would've been thrilled with the Nook, just to have a new techtoy in the house....and would've probably loaded a bunch of books up in it by now!  But, I am determined to learn....hopefully he can channel some help to me!

Janka, You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul.....I always like to see your posts, and I thank YOU for your contributions here....I'm addicted, as well.....and what a good addiction it is! Blessings to you!!!

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

But, if you have to go to the ER, go by ambulance, otherwise your wait will be terminal..........literally.

This is ESPECIALLY true if you use VA for healthcare, as Connor did......one time when he was in distress, we waited in the ER Emergency for almost ELEVEN hours!  After that debacle, I always called for the ambulance....you go to the "head of the line".

12 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 I honestly have felt his presence, but not his voice. And must be my imagination because he denied anything supernatural.  And, maybe I am just getting my mojo back and that is all I am "seeing."  I don't care.  I don't mind lying to myself.  

I definitely believe he is with you still in some manner.....you are not lying to yourself at all.  Interestingly enough, there are many documented cases of those that have passed, who were atheists who had NO belief in a life after death, who've manifested to persons after their passing....I'm currently starting to read a book recommended to me (perhaps in one of Marty's links?) by author Louis La Grand, "Love Lives On"......quite compelling!  I've no doubts that we go on to another existence.....it is both reassuring and irritating to me.....I want to be with Connor, NOW!  So many questions.....and, as Gwenvieve posted before, frustrating.....because we will never know "all" the answers until we can leave this plane!

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I have to channel Billy's reason, instead of my explosive attitude.

Oh, how I relate to that statement!  Connor was always a calm voice of reason....I am the more mercurial, short-tempered one!  He would wait out my anger/rants...(usually work related)....just listen....and most times, do nothing more but to let me vent....and hug me.  He was very empathetic....while it hurt him to see me hurting, he just had a way of making everything "all right".....I'd calm down, and even be able to laugh about how angry I was....he put things in perspective.....as he said, "As long as you and I are ok, we can withstand anything, together". God,  I  miss that.

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I don't know what these people think we are doing that is 'wrong', but I'd challenge them to try it a year or so and get back to me about how it worked out for them living in the silence if what once was a home filled with life.  

Perfectly put! I like that, and may even use that analogy if pushed again....thanks, Gwenivere!  Good "ammo"!

5 hours ago, hollowheart said:

WolfsKat, I've already been "scolded" at not having a positive outlook. Well, excuse me for forgetting my Personality Change Pill. All my "trying" friends make my anger and bitterness increase. I woke up crying. My optimistic button is broken.

I  understand. One "friend" has already told me that I should just "move on" and not "wallow in my grief"......HELLO.....it's been only a bit over 10 weeks since Connor died!!!  I will "move on" when I'm damned good and ready to, and I can "wallow" all I wish to.....this is MY loss, MY grief!!!!  I said as much, too.....guess I've lost a "friend" (don't care).  This is a good thing I've gotten from being here in this forum.....I have the RIGHT to deal with my grief as best as I can, and how I see fit....it's somewhat empowering!

5 hours ago, hollowheart said:

Hearing "Happy New Year" has a different taste when everyone you love doesn't get to join you. I want to say "what's so happy about it?" I am feeling depressed again. 

 

I get that.....already sick & tired of the very phrase "Happy New Year". I can wish it for others...but, for me it is NOT going to be happy....how can it be, when part of my soul has left?  I've also had a number of well meaning people tell me "At least this horrible year will be behind you now"......like that makes the pain lessen? Not a whit...not helpful....but they just don't understand, and I know they are "trying"....so I just  nod and keep on my brave mask.

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Oh, Gang

I am not much of a drinker anyway and this fits my budget. A bottle lasts a long time as I forget it's there. Gotta use those pink wine glasses for something.  LOL

Karen....even Walmart has better, as cheap as Boone's Farm....if you like sweet, try Oakleaf Vineyard's  Moscato or Sangria....about $3.00.  I'm not a wine snob, can't afford to be!!!  My standby is Beringer White Merlot.....usually under $6.00. Slainte!

Oh, Brad.....that is wonderful.....and I see I'm not "alone" in this manner of remembrance! THANK YOU!!!

9 minutes ago, KarenK said:

My energy level matches that of the frog.  LOL

Thanks Marty, loved the videos, especially Peer Gynt and Free Hugs.

Kay, so sorry your son & family aren't coming. Just me, Marley, movies, and Boones' Farm Strawberry Hill. I'm not much of a wine connoisseur.

Okay ,Karen......we  SO have to have a chat about your wine choice! 

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Marg, my dear, please find it in your heart to forgive YOU for being human. Extend to yourself the kindness and compassion you would present to anyone else you've met in our forums. Would you pass judgment on any one of us for "losing it" in a moment of anger, given the path we are on? I think not. Give the same love to YOU that you would give to any one of us. You are worth it, and you deserve it. We all have one more day to just get through this challenging holiday season (I'm not counting Valentine's Day. Yikes.) We're almost there, and we will get there as we all stick together . . .

Such a rollercoaster we are all on.....I definitely thought much as Marg did......if I got the nerve to join Connor via suicide (and, still oh too tempting) would it preclude me from being able to reunite with him? Would I be damned? It is the fear of just that, sorry to admit, that keeps me here, so far....I so much love my family, my kids.....but Connor was my world, my mate, my soulmate.  It's just too much, at times, to even envision a future without him with me. He's been gone, 10 weeks yesterday.....and it feels like forever already!!!!!  I have already told  my kids....should ever I pass suddenly (accident, heart attack, whatever) please know that I will be with Connor again and oh, so happy.....grieve, but know I am finally whole again!

9 hours ago, Brad said:

Deedo just went on a trip to Disneyland where she will forever be part of Fantasmic, the Train, the Teacups and the Fireworks display; all of her favorites

Ok Brad.....I do not wish to pry, but I have to ask.....did you/others scatter ashes at these places?  I ask because I scattered some of Connor's ashes at the hotel I stayed at the night before my flight to Michigan for Christmas....scattered a small amount at poolside near the manmade waterfall......we stayed there very often, we called it "our" hotel....and that was our favorite spot when we were there. That may sound odd to many.....but it just felt right to me....I make no apology for it. I will scatter other ashes in other meaningful spots, the rest will be combined with mine when I get to leave, and be interred mixed together.

On ‎12‎/‎27‎/‎2015 at 10:08 PM, scba said:

Dear Janka, what you wrote is very beautiful. I hope you will keep smiling.  

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were normal days for me. I played being strong and I was glad the holidays were over. Today I checked on youtube some songs me and my boyfriend enjoyed and I started to cry so hard, only feeling my heart broken. Feeling love too? I don't know. I felt pain in my chest as broken glasses in million hurting pieces. But I believe it is still too early to feel differently.  I'm still trying to figure out how am I supposed to live without the sight of his eyes, his smile, his face, without his hug and his words of confort and hope. He was hopeful about life, about the future with me by his side. I was his source of hope and power to fight. Am I still any of that? Does he still need me where he is? Is there anything I can do that he needs? As you see, I have so many questions that may never have an answer. I wish I could stop making questions. I've been making questions over and over again.

Peace.

 

Oh, how you echo just what I feel, so much!!!!  Right now the memories are shards of glass slicing into my very soul.....Connor always told me that I was his very reason for living....does he "need" me still? What does he wish for me?  And HOW damn long until we can be together again? I do not wish for along life, no matter how much better it may get in the future, I know it will never be as good as it would've been with him at my side....where he belongs! The questioning is endless......

They do not mention.....but, I shall........Happy New Year in Heaven, my beloved, Connor Carroll Clark......the MOST important person in my life.....until we are together again, I hold you in my heart, and my soul.....for as long as it takes until our reunion.....I love you, brat....the MOST! xoxo

9 hours ago, kayc said:

The whole world of travel seems so far removed from my world where I have nothing but financial constraints and struggle and responsibility.  I look at my little sister's pictures of her travel and cruises on Facebook and it doesn't seem real to me.  My world is about hauling firewood, chopping kindling, shoveling snow, and taking my dog to the vet.  It's about driving 50 miles away to get groceries.  It's anything but glamorous.  But my world is beautiful, and the view of the elk and deer are free.  I enjoy seeing foxes and wild rabbits dart across the way or hearing an owl hooting up in my trees.  At least I don't have to pay to go somewhere for that.

That sounds beautiful, Kay......a lot of people travel just to visit places such as where you live! Hey, perhaps you should consider becoming a mini B&B......wildlife photographers would love such a location.....and you could make a bit of money!

3 hours ago, Brad said:

The Grief Recovery Handbook 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith John W. James and Russell Friedman

Thank you, Brad.....I will check into it....I grab for anything that may offer even a bit of solace these days!

15 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I just to have some understanding company and companionship while traveling.  Have you guys had any luck or have tips for this?  Or are interested in starting our own travel group?

I would very much like such a travel group.....my Connor and I loved to be "madcap traveling bohemians" (his quote)......but now I feel as though our shared travel adventures are all I will ever have. Most all I know are "paired up" and damned if I will ever feel like I am a 5th wheel or a pity-tagalong.

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

I'm having a difficult time this week.  Computer and printer issues. Very lonely and missing my wife. I plan to go to bed early New Year's Eve since my wife is not around to kiss.  The singleness is very heavy right now.  Shalom.

I plan on doing the same......even if I have to make it a drug-induced sleep....just can't take it. No "happy" in the new year for me, not without my beloved.

2 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

I just made a blog post about this same thing.  I yearn to see Daniel once more even in a dream.

I read your blog.....you write so very well.....the once about the dance was very poignant....echoes my feelings, exactly. All I can do is wait until my time for the "dance" to be finally over.....

1. Janka. it is just awful that you have had to endure bullying in the workplace!  I hope you will notify this person's superior if it continues!  It may be a bit daunting, being relatively new on the job, but sometimes you have to show people right off the bat that you do not intend to take what they assume they can dish out. I surely hope that you will continue to feel better, and that 2016 may be a good year for you, dear.

1 hour ago, Brad said:

Just wondering if anyone has read this book.  I'm only two chapters into it but so far it seems pretty on target to me.  The reviews I've seen are outstanding but would appreciate feedback from someone here if it has been helpful or not.  

I have not, but will look it up and see if it available from Better World Books (discount/used book site).  Can't afford regular bookstores but they have many 1000's.  Thanks for the info....do you have the author's name?

Returned to Florida last night after flying up to Michigan (my home for 47 years) to be with my family for Christmas.  I'd worried overmuch about how I would "do"...worried that I might have a griefburst and depress/upset others. That worrying was for naught. I stayed at my daughter's home, and really had a wonderful time...of course I had a few moments, but was under control and not overwhelming. This was my first Christmas "back home" after 11 years in Florida, and since Connor and I had never went up there for Christmas, I was better able to deal with it, I think?  Even at the big family get-together (about 40 of us...we rent a small hall) I felt surrounded by my family's love and compassion....they all seemed so very happy I was there!  This was also the first Christmas without my Mom....which all of us were feeling.....my daughter had been working hard on a "videography" of my Mom, she'd prepared a list of questions for her last year, primarily about her past....and filmed it over a few days.  Interspersed with the "interview" portions were old photos and appropriate music....it was beautifully done.  She played it at the hall, and gifted family members with copies of the CD.  Yes, many of us shed tears, but we also had laughter during the viewing (my Mom was a funny lady!). It was a wonderful memorial to my mother....I  am so grateful that my daughter did this!  Another thing....this trip up there has solidified my resolve to move back home as soon as I can do it in a rational manner.  I think my family needs me as much as I need them, now.....that definitely came through.  Connor could not handle a cold climate due to health issues, so we lived in Florida, very happily.  But, while I have some close friends here, all of my family is up in Michigan, and I miss them.  It will be a bit daunting to reinvent my life (again!)....but I believe it will be the best thing I could do, both for them, and for myself.  I will not make the move quickly...too much to deal with at present, but knowing I will gives me comfort, and a bit of hope that this life without my beloved might still have some bits of happiness in it again. Thanks for letting me ramble a bit...and hoping all of you were able to get through Christmas with a minimum of pain.

Gwen, I have the opposite "problem".  I WISH I could have dreams of Connor.....so far, not a one.  I know this might sound a bit wacky, but after other losses, those who passed have appeared to me in dreams and I found it very comforting. Especially one I had of my father....in the dream, I walked into my parent's living room, and there he sat in his usual chair.  I was overjoyed to see him...he looked just like his old self, and he had his beloved little dog on his lap, petting him. In the dream I said "Dad! Oh I'm so happy to see you.....but, do you know you are dead?"  He looked at me & nodded, with a look on his face like "Duh!"....and said, yes, I know....take care of your mother"  That was it. The next morning, I shared this dream with my sister, and she told me that my dad's dog had died the night before. But, I found solace in this dream. I expected to dream of Connor, and so far, nothing.....maybe at ten weeks, it is too soon. Or maybe my mind is too jumbled, or the grief still too raw. But, I will continue to hope.

Amily, I get that feeling.....oddly enough, I just started feeling that was a few days ago....realized that this new year will be one without my husband in it with me, and the first of more interminable years without him. I was so caught up in worrying how I'd deal with Christmas, the "new year" did not factor in! So, definitely, you are not alone in this feeling!