WolfsKat

Connor and I both loved traveling & experiencing new places/cultures.......he'd traveled extensively while serving in the Navy, and I was bitten by the travel bug as a child.  Right now, the thought of travel does not excite me as it did.....Connor was my very best travel partner of all time.....one of the oh-so-many things I miss now!  And, not too many people I know who'd be up for adventuring.....and traveling solo is too daunting for me.  But.....I recently entered a few sweepstakes in which the prizes are expenses paid trips for the winner & a companion.  I figure if it's a free trip for them, easier to find a travel buddy?  Connor and I had gotten new passports just last year......I'd hate to not get my "money's worth" out of mine....ha ha. I suppose entering these contests does show that I have some hopes for a bit of happiness in the future.....at least a willingness to "try to"?  It will be 6 months soon......and I truly WANT to begin to feel some "hope"........a hard task!

Dear Finch....,.thank you for keeping with us......it WILL help!  I cannot say it will make your pain go away.....coming to this forum, sharing w/us....posting....but, I've found that it does ease it a bit. And all of us, I think, are happy for even a bit of respite for the sometimes uncontrollable grief that permeates our every waking hours.  Your beloved Crystal was no doubt a wonderful woman.......and you will feel her loss forever, although, given as much time as you require, the intense pain will ease.  Try to hold on to the fact, that in her own words to you, that you gave her joy in her life, every day.  That is NO small gift to be able to give to another soul......you gifted her with that......so be happy for what you gave her.....and try very hard not to regret the "what-ifs".  If I had passed on before my Connor had taken the step of coming to me, in person, I would have left this world happy and content with the sure knowledge that I'd been totally loved by him.  I believe your Crystal would wish you to feel much the same?  Peace/Blessings to you.

Tonight it is the karaoke.  I have my windows open (I'm in FL) and I can hear the music and camaraderie.  I have  NO wish to wander over to involve myself........but a wistful sense of "happy" for those involved.  Even if I cannot participate, it feels a little bit of good to hear "life"......even if I am apart from it.  I'm amazed at how suddenly odd my psyche has developed!

She is just perfect....and, obviously, a little fighter!  She is in my prayers daily.....and has been added to a prayer list that reaches hundreds!  Blessings and healing to this little one, please keep us updated!

Finch......welcome to a community of caring souls.  All I can say is that I "get it".  My beloved and I met via online........then went on to innumerable hours of phone, texting, IM-ing.......for many months.  We fell totally, deeply, permanently in love w/one another w/out having met in person.  We were fortunate to have finally achieved physical connection, both of us having taken that "leap of faith".......my Connor moved over 1000 miles to come and share my life with me.......many thought I was crazy, having a "man I'd never met in person" coming here to move in with me.  But, I "knew". We both knew.  We had almost 5 amazing years together before he was taken....we'd only been married one year.  So......I truly understand how you can be truly in love with someone even having never been in physical contact.......a true connection of spirit/soul.  You had/have something very special......a true love.

Andre.......I was not going to "click" on your music video........but was compelled to.  I am glad I did......it was "perfect"......said what I feel, eloquently.  Yes, I have tears.......but, cathartic ones. Thank you.  I wish you peace, and forever wonderful memories of your Beloved.

On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2016 at 5:20 PM, Gwenivere said:

 Sometimes I wonder, what was I thinking?  I added another life that I grew to love and now have kinda screwed myself.  I just couldn't bear the thought of being totally alone and losing my whole family.  Now I have to stick around for the new one being so young.

Gwen, I understand this.  While I did not obtain a new pet after Connor was gone........I have "our" two furkids.  I'd lost a beloved dog very shortly prior to Connor entering my life, and said....NO more pets.  Well.........when Connor and I started our life together, one of the first things he wished was to have a cat, or two........he loves them, and had not been able to keep a pet where he'd been.  I love cats, as well......and next thing you know, we adopted a rescue kitty, Sebastian, a large black mini-panther........Connor adored him, and referred to him as his "wing man".  Then, feeling that Seb needed a lil' brother, we adopted Mandrake (also a rescue kitty).......a fun, very quirky, little silver tabby.  Both of our furkids are quite young, and healthy.....so, I will probably have them for a number of years.  Connor always said that Sebastian chose him, and Mandrake chose me.  They are company for me......although I worried about Sebastian.....thought I'd lose him.......he grieved Connor (to those who say animals do not "know".....I call B.S.)  would not eat much, hid out, chewed his own fur out bald....howled horribly for weeks.....he was SO bonded with Connor!  May sound odd to many.....but, they also give me a reason to go on......I have to do right by them, Connor would want that very much, and I do love them.  I just hope they outlive ME!

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

really notice this when I cry.  The reasons keep changing.  Sometimes I cry for him, sometimes for me and others am finding a myriad of other reasons I never knew.  I know crying is cathartic, but what gets to me is often I cry because I do see something that is good and I cannot share it.  That is a loneliness that cuts deep.  A true Catch 22 to start seeing little things, but to have them trigger the loss.  That one I am still working on because I am not seeing them for him, only myself now

I TOTALLY understand this........it is what I feel daily......the ONE person you'd want to share with is gone.....no one else would get it, or care, the way they would've.

I CANNOT listen to music as yet.....music was special to Connor and I.....before we finally got to be together, physically (he  moved from TX to FL to be w/me) we always "traded songs" that expressed how we felt about one another......pretty much on a daily basis.  Many of those songs we had played at our wedding celebration.......and the last time was at his memorial service.........now, I avoid music whenever I can.......it cuts too deep.......instant pain/tears.  And I feel as if I've lost a intrinsic part of myself.....I've loved music since I was a child,  and it was important to him, as well.........it was a big part of "me", my psyche.......and now, it holds for me only pain....I shared so much of myself with Connor, musically........If this makes any sense to anyone else.

22 minutes ago, myeverything said:

I lost my husband  4 months and 5 days ago.  He was my best friend, soul mate and my everything.  I am 48 and never thought that I would be a widow.  Every day is difficult. I miss him every hour of every day and I talk to him often to get me through each day. I still feel him with me.   I pray often for God to take some of this pain from me.  We worked together as well and I think I went back to work to soon.  I went from an independent dependable wife and mother to a women afraid of everything.  So lost and i'm wondering what to do.

Dear Lady........Welcome to the "club" no one wants to join.  I lost my beloved husband less than 6 months ago, so, like you, I am quite "new" to this whole "widow" thing.....I even hate the term!  You've come to a good place to vent, to scream, to question, to let out what you are feeling!  Most here, if not all...."get it".....while no one can obliterate your pain and loss........what you WILL find here is compassion, understanding, and acceptance.  And, keep coming back & posting what you feel, no holds barred. It truly DOES help. Our souls are broken & bleeding......but we find some comfort here, knowing that others share this awful journey.......and even can help one another see that there IS a way out of this abyss of grief!  Blessings and comfort to you......hang tight......slowly it will get somewhat better!

On ‎3‎/‎30‎/‎2016 at 10:53 PM, kayc said:

 I think she had one foot out the door, then she was gone

Kay....when my Mom died, I think it was the same............much of the family around her, knew the end was very near.....she seemed very impatient, agitated.....at one point, she said "You don't understand, they are WAITING for me!".....when asked who, she said "Roe (my dad), Ma & Pa (her parents), they are waiting on me!"  Then, later.......at the end, she suddenly said "Let's get this show on the road".....then, opened her eyes briefly and said to all...."You know I love you"....closed her eyes again and died.  I think it was if she could see them.....the ones waiting....but could not quite reach them yet, and it was irritating her.  But.....she wanted to reassure us that she loved us before she could finally join them.

Sorry to say I've only been able to contribute, once.......and not a big amount......right now working hard at just survival, basic needs have become almost luxuries.  But, when I am in a financially better place (Please let this be sooner than later!) I will definitely be stepping up to the plate......this forum has been a Godsend to me.......I keep Marty in my prayers for all that she has done, and continues to do!

In case anyone else in here in a "frugalista" like me.......or just short on finances (also like me!), and you like to read......there is a very good source for used books, low pricing, free shipping......plus they donate to literacy causes......BettterWorldBooks.com      I've purchased from them many,many times......they have literally thousands of books to choose from, all genres.  Yes, books related to grief, as well.

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Picture must have been taken in the 1970's.  Daughter took picture, she was probably about nine.  I won't look at anymore pictures, just throw them in a box.  

Is that your husband, Marg????  Good looking guy!!!!

2 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Since Mark died, being around a lot of activity is very hard for me, be it at work and attending a staff meeting, or at a large family gathering, or even a somewhat small gathering, like my birthday lunch last wee.  It is nearly impossible for me to try and keep up with numerous conversations, or to allow myself to participate.  My self-confidence has taken a HUGE hit.  Mark and I were both homebodies, even before we got married.  We were older, so the need to socialize wasn't a priority.  Mostly it was greed, because I wanted him all to myself... smile.  My life seems to be getting a little lighter, but the damage to my focus and concentration is messed up for good it feels like.  I still will not attend weddings or funerals; just far too painful.  Complete silence is still very difficult at home...allows too much time to "think" and realize the immense size of his absence. 

Maryann......that's just the thing......I'm rather a hermit now..........prefer being alone (with my 2 furbrat cats) for the most part......I get enough people at work to make me tired of 'em.  Connor and I were happiest alone together.....we rather "gloried" in our mutual happiness with just one another, no need for the outside world.  But I kind of like hearing the socialization I mentioned, even if I have absolutely no wish to be a part of it.......a strange circumstance, but, then again........everything seems to be strange now in this "new" life.

Marg, I so hope that a new place will be the start of a better life for you.......it does sound like a very good place!  Best wishes & blessings!

Griefbursts......I've learned to accept them.  Sometimes no obvious trigger.......just that hard punch in the soul of instant agony......I hope they lessen, in time,.......they are very difficult to deal with!

Bill....your Mary Kay sounds like such a wonderful soul.....always looking for the good/happy in life!  I hope that you will try to emulate that, in her honor and loving memory, as hard as it might seem at present.  Wishing you blessings and peace.

59 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Having children isn't necessarily a force keeping you in the world.  I have two, and although I love them dearly, they have their own lives and mine was so tied to his.  It just seems punishing to be left behind and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I know I really sound morbid....having lots of depression lately....9 1/2 months and counting.

I do understand what you mean.  The depression is like a huge, cold, dark void that I'm constantly trying not to slip into!  I'm not sure if it's possible to ever come to terms with it, totally......the best I hope for is some measure of peace, enough to enable me to carve out some kind of life that is not overwhelmingly filled with grief.  My kids ARE my anchor to life.  Although all are grown and have lives......I've been amazed at how much they still need me....in a good way.  For instance, my youngest will be planning a wedding soon.....and shortly thereafter hopes to begin a family.  She says she cannot imagine either w/out me present to celebrate......and will need her Mum for moral support, no other would do!  They still call Mum to ask for advice and encouragement......so, for them, I want to wish to live on.

I've noted something perhaps a bit odd.......but perhaps someone here can relate.  Or maybe I'm just a bit wacky.  I find that I really like hearing, being near  people, in a way.  For instance, I live in a MH park......as do SO many here in Florida.  My neighbors across the street seem to have a little get-together every evening on their patio w/friends.  I can hear the talk/laughter through my open windows, and it makes me feel less lonely, even though I'm not a part of it and have no wish to be. Also, twice a month they have outdoor karaoke right behind my home, in a pavilion.  I kind of like to hear it through my windows....but would not dream of walking over to be there in person. But it is comforting, in a way.....although I know that might sound crazy.  I guess I like to hear socialization......even if I've no wish to join in.  Perhaps I am losing my marbles......but somehow.....I feel a bit of solace in these things, even w/out involvement.

On ‎4‎/‎2‎/‎2016 at 10:00 AM, kayc said:

When George was alive, HE stood up for me, and I for him, but when he died, I had to learn to find a voice for myself, more than I'd already had, and I developed some real moxie...and it was necessary to make it through this.  I think he'd be real proud of me.

Kay, I truly believe that George IS proud of you!  When I read what you wrote.......it was hearing a voice saying "Way to go, little one.....way to go!"

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I read in the paper where a couple died in an accident, and my first thought was how lucky there were to get to go together.  It was premature, they were only 65, but still...I wish that could have been how we went, together.

Kay, that would've been MY first thought, as well......Connor insisted that this was what we'd do....go together, as it would be too hard for the one left back to go on.  But.......here I am, alone.  If it had to be this way.....I guess it's better for me to be the one left behind, as I could not want this torment for Connor......and, truth to tell, I am the stronger, emotionally, of us.

It will be 6 months for me, also, on the 21st.  Still a nightmare most days......that I wish I could awake from.  On the outside, we may look, and even manage to act, "normal" again.......but, in truth, we are broken/bleeding......every day is a struggle.  All we can DO is to slog on, and pray for some peace in our torment.

11 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Not doing well right now. I'm overwhelmed and waves of confusion and guilt are flowing through me. I just read about Patty Duke and that she died of sepsis. The day Tammy died, she was super tired all day and seemed to not be herself... she seemed confused. I thought it was the new narcotic pain med she just took. My brother in law the doctor thought the same. Then, suddenly Tammy started to get the sweats and my first though was... "No, this can't be". She had had sepsis before and this was one of the symptoms. Tammy was very uncomfortable but still saying she was just very tired. Then, it all went bad quickly... she was having trouble breathing and by the time the ambulance came it was too late.

Tammy had so many medical conditions going on. Her lupus, the raynaud's. the sjogrens. The new blood clots in her legs, Her kidneys weren't in great shape on and on. Tammy was always the one who knew her body. If she needed to go to the ER she'd tell me. Why didn't I see all these symptoms as more than just confusion or fatigue? If she got to the hospital earlier would it have made a difference?

I know it's hindsight but this is tearing me up inside.

oh,Mitch......I've so very often felt just the same way....I KNEW there was something so wrong...but my Connor was stubborn, he refused to be checked despite my urging.  And,I KNEW that if I had just pressured him......he would've went in......perhaps saving his life.  But I tried to give him free will.....no pressure.,and, for that, I will always feel guilt.  Perhaps I could've saved his life.....I will always be tormented by the "what-if's".....it isw my cross to bear....even when he finally accepted that something was very wrong......and he was admitted to hospital, I truly thought that he would "learn his lesson" and listen to me in the future.....I had no clue that he would never return home, and would be lost to me in a few short weeks.  I find it so very hard to forgive myself for not forcing him to go in sooner.....for my sake, he would have,  I feel like I contributed to his too-young death!