WolfsKat

Was at work today.......usually, work is my refuge.....I can do my tasks like a automaton......I can keep my feelings at bay. We have "piped in" music over the intercoms all throughout the store.  Today........the Peter/Paul/Mary old time song "Puff The Magic Dragon": song played..........I lost it, had to go to the ladie's room to have a quiet cry.  This part of the lyrics got to me........putting myself in Puff's place....maybe I'm losing my marbles?      

One sad night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 6:41 PM, kayc said:

George knew and shared what I felt about family, holidays, traditions, gatherings.  He came from a big family (11 kids) and we loved and valued the kids coming home for the holidays.  Of course, as they get older they marry and have their own traditions, as they should.  But I was ill prepared for being left totally alone holiday after holiday.  My daughter lives an hour away and only comes here at Christmas and has not invited me to her place in 16 years.  My son used to come here but no longer does and hasn't invited me for the holidays in a long time, he is 2 1/2 hours from here.  It's a stark contrast to the life I used to have, that's all I was saying...I miss it.

Kay.......that well and truly SUCKS.....to put it bluntly.  I cannot imagine such a thing.....I know that when I can move back home, that it will be an impossibility for me to be alone on holidays.....my kids would never allow such a thing....I am so looking forward to re-joining them in celebrations!  You seem such a lovely, giving person......pardon me if this is crossing a line, but IMHO your kids should be ashamed of themselves!  I don't think you deserve that!

May sound silly......but....kinda just hit me.  Early on.....I literally prayed to die too.  Now I've realized........I don't want to die quite yet....I just want the "wanting to" to go away......to feel better enough NOT to wish to.  ......if that makes sense?

I agree w/Marty......Marg......you are an amazing soul, I always "get" something from your posts, and you do have MUCH wisdom!

On ‎3‎/‎28‎/‎2016 at 8:40 PM, mittam99 said:

Tammy was on Social Security disability. When I turned 60 last May, I applied for survivors benefits. At 60, you receive 71% of whatever your spouse was getting. Now, in my case, I still work. Basically, any dollar you earn over $15,700 a year reduces benefits. For every dollar you earn over the limit, SS takes away 50 cents.

With my severely reduced benefits, I only receive a few checks a year. My goal is to work 'til full retirement age (66 for me) and then switch over to my own benefits.

Here is the survivor benefits guide you can download direct from Social Security.

https://www.ssa.gov/pubs/EN-05-10084.pdf

Hope this info helps.

Thank you so much, Mitch!

22 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Thought of the day....

(wasn't sure where to post this)

In my job, I come face to face with the public everyday. And it never ceases to amaze me how upset people can get over the most trivial of things. Today, a woman was angry because an item she purchased was one penny over the price she thought it was marked on the shelf. Honestly, a very minor issue yet it caused her great anguish.

When Tammy was alive and similar head shaking events happened, I'd think to myself "thank God, I don't have to go home and live with someone like that". Tammy would love hearing my stories of all the crazies at work. And they were plentiful.

I can only imagine how these people handle actual, major, difficult events in their lives. Or life changing ones like grief.

Mitch......how that resonates with me!!!!  I work for Walmart......(necessary evil) and I am continually amazed at how ugly-tempered and rude customers can get over the silliest, most petty things!  They will throw fits, yell, cuss you out........and I so WISH I could say...."If THIS is all you have to be unhappy for in your miserable life, you've been  blessed MUCH more than I have!"

On ‎3‎/‎28‎/‎2016 at 4:29 PM, Marg M said:

I don't think any of us are selfish.  I can be unreasonable.  The month of October is off my calendar.  I only have 11 months in a year now.  Certifiably insane.

My Connor died October 21st, 2015.........I am already dreading October.......I'll be certifiable with you in spirit.

As for myself.......I very, very rarely will cry in front of another......just how I am, and how I was raised.  Connor, my husband, was one of the few who witnessed me crying.....but, with him, it was "okay", and I did not feel the need to maintain artificial composure.  I cry daily......but only alone.

35 minutes ago, scba said:

One of the things I cannot forgive fate or whatever is that he didn't make it to marry me. I will never be called his wife or his widow, I'm never going to be Mrs X. I don't have an engagement ring and a marriage ring, nor pictures of wedding. It exists in my mind, but it is very painful to think of what won't ever be. We should have been married by now if only....

I can very much understand this!  I "resisted" the idea of marriage to my Connor for years......took time for me to take that leap again in life.  We were married August 24th, 2014.  Although we only got to celebrate 1 married year together.......I am SO very glad we did marry, it made our strong bond even deeper.....and gave me the title of his wife.....we both cried happy tears at our wedding.  So I can appreciate what you missed out on.....but I think, in your heart and minds, you WERE very married, just w/out the actual ceremony.

6 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

feel quite good inside when I refer to Kathy as my wife, or myself as her husband and that is something I cannot explain to another living soul. With some of you however, I don't have to

No, you don't..............I AM still Connor's wife.......he is still my husband.........it will always be so, I will never refer to myself as Connor's widow....I am still his wife in my heart/soul/mind.

Will keep on praying for Gracie.....also adding her to a prayers list that my friend (a minister) has online daily.......I am so  hoping for positive updates!

I've prayed...........any updates?  Praying for your family, Kay......for healing/strength. xoxo

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Nine months, in my perspective now, IS early days.  It takes so long to even absorb what has happened, let alone figure out "what now".  George and I were only married 3 years 8 months, after it took a lifetime to find each other, and it seemed like we just got our life put together, only to undo it all again?!  Very unfair!  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!

Kay......like you, I feel so so very cheated!  It took me over a half century to "find" Connor......we had a bit less than 5 (wonderful) years together......married just 14 months......we both "knew" we were meant to be together......the term "soulmates" is hackneyed, overused.....yet, in our case, very true.  We were quite giddy with the sense that we'd (finally) found the other part of us we'd been missing all of our lives.  While I am so grateful for our time together.....the "WHY?" is what rips me apart.......WHY separate us?  WHY kill him?  WHY give me this perfect love, only to rip him from me?  WHY am I/him/us being punished by tearing us apart?  WHY not just leave us alone to be happy in life together, and hopefully, pass on together? WHY us??????  No answers..........at least not in this existence.  But.......while I may....at some time long into a nebulous future.....feel a bit more at peace or some such thing, I truly do not believe I will ever, ever get over my anger at the injustice......we harmed no one.....tried to be good souls......all we wanted was to have each other......I keep thinking it is MY fault.....he has passed over.....he is free from this world's hurts......he has evolved......free from pain.  I am left behind to endure this neverending pain.....what great sins am I paying for, for this horrible punishment?  In the space of one year, I lost my big brother......then my beloved Ma......I got through it because I had Connor with me.....then, Connor is taken?  Had I not suffered enough?  Had I not bled enough?  WHY this unending buffeting of pain and loss?  I have no answers......

I'm confused, as well.  I went in to apply for that whopping death benefit (sarcasm) as I knew I had to.  At that time, the young lady told me that I should make a appointment to come in before my upcoming 60th birthday In August so that I can be advised as to "my options".....I know nothing about social security stuff.  My Connor was receiving Social Security disability payments for about 4 years before he died.  I will make the appointment, I suppose.....but not sure what these "options" are.......all I wanted to do at the time I went in was to file and get the heck out!

Thanks to all for welcoming me back. I really HAVE missed so many of you, although that sounds odd.  Such a rollercoaster, this grief........the "lows" are so godawful wrenching it seems as if it impossible to live through them........and yet, we do. At times this continued existence seems like a prison sentence to me.....a  punishment. Life should NOT feel like a punishment!  I hope, in time......to have more good days than bad ones. Coming here does help......and I thank all of you for sharing your journeys here, blessings to you all!

On ‎3‎/‎3‎/‎2016 at 7:37 AM, mittam99 said:

Question... I find myself talking to myself quite often and talking to Tammy here and there. Am I the only one?

You certainly are not!  I do the same.......for some reason, often while I am driving. Probably because Connor and I would chat the entire time we went driving anywhere.  I can just hope people think I have a "hands free" cell phone or something......And some days I still call out, "Honey, I'm home" when I get back from work.

Got caught up in a lot of "stuff" and health issues, so have been "AWOL" a bit......have missed reading your posts and learning........this is such a damned difficult path to trek, I know that this is one of the very, very few places where others "get it" about losing your beloved spouses/mates.  I'm almost at five months a widow.....although I'm "functional", it truly is quite difficult to find a consistent source of any joy or caring to struggle on in a world without my beloved.  I long to die, at times, just in the hope we will be reunited. And....then, the guilt sets in....for I have my kids (grown) that love me.....so how could I long for something that would inflict this horrible burden of grief upon them?  It is a quandary. I just hate knowing that I will never again, in this lifetime....be able to see/touch/share life with my husband. It is like going from a Technicolor existence to a drab black & white. And....then the guilt kicks in yet again.......I should WANT to continue on, and be "happy", if only for my family's sake....right?  I am getting very accomplished at wearing a mask around others.......many think I should be "over it" at almost 5 months out, and any display of grief immediately makes them uncomfortable, and they back waaaaaaaaaaay off. So....when I get the "How are you doing?"......my answer, invariably, is "Fine".  Thanks for allowing a place to let this out, w/out judging!

I can empathize. Going back to work has only deepened my feelings of loss, and emptiness. I can put on a mask at work.....but the façade is veneer thin. When I get home, the depression and anguish hit hard. All I can see in life right now is working and struggling to make a living in a world I really don't have much of a desire to BE in any longer!  Having Connor in my life made even the struggles easy to bear.....he was my joy.  I'm trying, very hard, to find meaning to my life.....but it's damned difficult,  I still scream the question, "Why him? Why US?"  My world makes no sense to me.....it is hard to believe it ever truly will again.  It's funny......everyone around me would tell you how wonderfully well I am doing......the only thing I'm doing well is to wear a mask.....they would not comprehend, or be comfortable with my true grief. 

One of the (many) things I miss so very much is the physical contact that was so much a daily part of my life!  I'm not referring to anything truly sexual in nature.....just the hugs, pats, quick kisses, cozying up on the sofa to watch a movie, snuggling in bed, giving/receiving massage, being held......I'm a tactile person. I MISS all of this, and so awful to think it will always be so, this total loss of touch. I remember reading that newborns deprived of regular touch will suffer from "failure to thrive".  I feel as  if something In adults withers away too, when you have such a deprivation, especially after it had been a constant in your life!  This might sound crazy, but I kind of think it would be nice to have a "snuggle buddy" to sleep with.......nothing sexual at ALL.....just.....cuddling/holding.  Odd, eh?

I'm not sure what I will do on Connor's birthday.....it is September 13th so I've time to think about it.  I know I will take that day off from work, also will take off on our anniversary August 24th.  It would've been only our second one celebrated......we got married only after living together a number of years......Connor always said he'd talk me into marriage, and he did!  For these days.......the only thing I know that I will do for certain, is to cry.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

With all the words we've used here on this topic, you found the only one really needed.....everything.  

That sums it up for me, too. I miss our entire life together, in every aspect.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Kat, it's great to have the memories indeed.  It's so hard knowing we wont be making more together.  That is why I feel like our 'novel' is done.  I wanted to have many more chapters.

Gwenivere, I like your concept of your life together as a "novel".......I felt much the same.  In fact, the beautiful small wooden chest I had made for the rest of Connor's ashes has these words carved into it  "Beloved Husband, our love story does not end...a new chapter will begin in infinity".  When I die, my wishes are for my ashes to be combined with his, and then interred together.

On ‎1‎/‎17‎/‎2016 at 1:57 PM, Gin said:

People always say to remember all the good times.  That makes me sadder because I do not have it any more.  They just do not understand!

Gin, I surely understand!  My Connor and I always had such FUN together....planned getaways, impromptu ones.....we liked to be "on the go" and experiencing things together.....we called it having "adventures".  It could be a planned vacation in Daytona Beach at a oceanfront resort for a week, a cruise to the Bahamas.....or something as simple as going to the town park and feeding the wild geese and begging squirrels for a few hours. We went on many dolphin cruises, museum visits, Disneyworld (Epcot being our favorite), festivals, winery tours, road tripping up to New Hampshire.....enjoyed trying new "ethnic" places to dine at (found out we both love Persian food)......we did more in our 4-1/2 years together than I'd ever did with my ex-husband of 30 years!  My friends/family/coworkers......all of them always asked where we'd been and what we were planning next...some said how envious they were of both our closeness and our adventures together!  Now....suddenly....it's just GONE,  Done. Over. Even if I could financially continue to do so......why would I wish to, alone?  My fellow traveler, my partner in "adventures" is gone......yes, I have wonderful memories.....but remembering them, at this point at least, is not a comfort.....it is yet another bitter reminder of what I've lost, and will never have again!

9 hours ago, MartyT said:

Oh Kat ~ I feel for you! I don't think you've ever shared with us the type of surgery you had, but if it required four months of using a walker/wheelchair, I imagine your foot or feet were involved, and I certainly do hope you're not pushing yourself too hard in a job that requires you to be on your feet all day! Can you get a note from your surgeon to help persuade your employer/manager that you need time and some sort of accommodation so you can build up your strength and endurance more gradually? Maybe by sitting on a stool part of the time, or by taking some breaks during the day so you can put your feet up for a few minutes at a time? In any event, you deserve a shout-out for getting through this week!

Thanks so much, Marty!  I had surgery for torn ligaments, a sizeable meniscus tear, and a Baker's cyst/tendonitis of my left leg. Unfortunately, my workplace allows no accommodations....if one cannot perform all of the tasks required of the position, you are not allowed back to work, period.  While I imagine I might've been able to get more time off, it would be unpaid, and I just can't afford that. I will plug along, and hope to regain strength, and some relief from the pain. Thanks so much again!

Well, made it through my first week back at work!  It was better/worse than I'd thought.....the emotional aspect was a bit better than I'd worried about.....had a few times where I was starting to feel overcome, but got through it by distracting myself w/work at hand. The physical part was worse than I'd anticipated!  By day two I literally had trouble walking!  It's just going to take more time, I guess, to build up strength/endurance.....after 4 months of using a walker/wheelchair, the leg muscles are weak!. I just hope the management at work can understand that....my job requires me to be on my feet all day....and I will do my best, as always....but will not be at full speed for a time. Hopefully, they will take into account my circumstances, and my years of dedication......but I don't expect too much....when Connor died, I did not receive so much as a note or card from the company.