andreaskye

I have read different quotes about anger being so related to fear. I think it was the CS Lewis quote I saw over and over in my neverending grief quotes searches on Pinterest. But until this morning, and the article Kevin, I never realized just how damn true it is. I am in fear all the time, probably mostly that I will never feel love and what it is like to be loved like Nick loved me again. It permeates my whole being. Wow. Thank you for helping me see this. It was such a mystery to me to be answered so simply. I guess knowing is half the battle. In this case, what is the rest of the battle though? Thank you all. In a very short time you all have made me feel not so alone and given me so many "Yes, me too!!" moments.

Wow, I don't know what this adds to anything but I felt the exact same way when I met my Nick who is gone, as your Mark felt about having that chance with you. Can I tell you the extra special joy you gave to him for that? I mean my grief is so compounded due to the same thought. That I only got 3 years to feel the way I did out of my 44 and I had thought I was just going to go on and be alone. But if you turn it around, while your Mark was here, Oh my Gosh, his heart was so full because of you. I just wanted to tell you. I am new and do not know all the triggers for people, just my own pain, but if someone thought they, for just a moment, felt how much Nick loved me, just as I felt from that one sentence Mark's love for you, I would want them to tell me, remind me. You blessed him so, just as I know he did you.

I hope I did not trigger anger for anyone. But if it wasn't me and talking about it, I suppose it would have been something else. As I am back from market, what was said about "Reward". I get you. Even if it is not the exact right word but yeah. He is not here to go "How'd it go?" and to talk about what sold well, or who I saw, or all those things. There is no one. And I try to have fun while at market. I used to have fun at market talking to people about growing stuff and recipes, and just all sorts of things. Now it seems to be answering questions with the minimal. I am polite and smile. But maybe it is not this way for everyone, but being I loved him so much I put a huge stock in when he was proud of me, and he was always proud of me but would be so complimentary when say, I sold out, or got a chef to order a tray of microgreens. Now there is no one. At least not the same way he did. Nothing special to look forward to. Just another night, not wanting to sleep, not wanting to be awake, begin lonely but for goodness sake, I sure as heck do not want company! HH, I know what you mean about the car. It is a little different but this new Thursday night market going on. It is a nice one, downtown Fort Worth. Very upscale and we had been talking about how nice things were going to be in Spring, and how the farm was going to grow, and what we would do with the extra finances. (To clarify what I do, I live next door to my parents and we have a small organic farm that is finally starting to make a little money and be a bit known. I work for them.) But there is no joy in it. And the things we talked about updating would probably make me unhappy. Well, case in point, we wanted a new TV in the bedroom. The one we had was breaking. If I buy one, it would make me sick. Actually, when it broke all the way (just a few days after he died, at least he did not have to do without the TV he liked to watch at night.) I just cut off the cable and took the broken one and the semi working one in the living room out to the curb. I only used it quietly for background noise for the dogs the few days until it broke anyway. And only on shows he could not stand. Every show he may have watched made me want to tear my eyes out. Even the news with the financial tickers on the bottom because sometimes he paid attention to that. Oh and the dogs, oh they have been grieving just as much as me. That is a whole other story. It is hell. I may have said this is one of my previous posts because I remember thinking it but I do not know how people have survived grieving all these millenia.

What a relief to see so many people echo my exact, if not exact very close, feelings and frustrations. I had this picture of the anger grieving brings as fist up in the air to the departed loved one, "Why did you leave me?!?" but for me I felt that, maybe just a touch, but nothing compared to just my intense anger at generally everything. It never crossed my mind that just when I felt so defenseless in my life, I would dare become an angry person. Oh gosh, so much to say but not enough time. Case in point, right now, I am getting so irritated because I have to take my daughter somewhere, my Mom is texting me, I have to take out vegetables to an evening market, my dog is in the window growling, and all I want to do is sit here in the dark. I just had to relax my jaw, it was clenched together so hard. I used to have would made a big sigh, and gotten right in the shower and gotten into the day. Because Nick would have been here at the desk where I am sitting and I would have made him coffee and some eggs and toast and then he would have said "Good luck at market tonight, Baby".

Thank you all. And I will read the links Marty. I am glad to know I am not the only one. And I am one of those people who want to analyze things to death so the anger, not having a clear source, is so confusing. And Lord knows I do not want to be around a lot of people but I sure do not want to alienate those I do. The only place where my patience has remained strong and unyielding is with my beautiful Grandson. He was 6 weeks when "Grandpa Nick" passed and he has saved my life. He can kick his little foot he is so mad (Yes at almost 5 months he kicks his cute little foot when mad.) and I will laugh. So thank God for that. Brad, yes, I find that as well in a different way. I used to be able to just ignore Political rants for the most part on Facebook and stuff. Now I am the first one to be so mad I am almost seeing red. I just realized that.

Thank you KayC. I have told him, my family and others understand as well. And I do not ever mean to hurt anyone, in fact the whole facet of the anger is so out of character for me. I have always had the patience of an iron horse, in fact to where it did not serve me to be patient anymore, I would just sigh and keep my cool. I have seen where people would say on these that they don't even know themselves anymore and a lot of times, I am right there with them. Perhaps a grief counselor would help.

What propelled me to look for a support group/forum was what I had heard would happen, knew it could not be easy, but like everything in this whole grief ordeal, has been worse than I could have imagined. The resurgence once I started to feel a bit more like myself. I still missed my Nick, still thought about him almost constantly but I was able to function. I did not cry the pain chest crushing sobs at the drop of a hat. I could focus on what was at hand. What is worse is I had experienced after a few weeks was this terrible anger. And it was not, in my head or heart, aimed at Nick but it manifested itself at just a couple of people close to me. And that I was able to let go of one morning out of the blue and although I expected the resurgence of the pain, I did not expect this anger to bubble back up. On Saturday night, not only was I struck down by the gut wrenching pain out of the blue, the anger rose up as well. And it is all still going strong today. So much so I am back at barely being able to leave my room. Our room. Like it is all fresh, maybe even worse because I think the shock in the beginning numbs us so we can get through those first days. I am not numb. I wish I was. Logically I know this will die down again. My heart and soul feels like it won't. But now I am even fearing the cycle repeating itself. Does that make sense? I have now added the fear of a possible continuous horrible cycle to compound the rest of the feelings. It is all so much to swallow. And I hate this anger, and I snap at those closest to me. And I have a close friend, he was/is a mutual friend, and I am so passive aggressive and angered by him I have had to tell him to steer clear of me. And I hate that because he lost Nick too. And when I think of him now, I feel bad. But when he contacts me somehow I always get around to sniping him. Has anyone else had this inexplicable anger? How did you handle or at least control it? Or did you?

This is my first post and I was just browsing through. Good evening all. I found it almost shocking when a friend who had come to visit looked at me and asked; "Do you see yourself ever meeting someone else?". Shocking in that, it had not crossed my mind to even ask myself that question. And the answer that came right away was, "I cannot imagine another man touching me. Why would I even try when I know I will never feel the way he made me feel again." And it was so true. And then it brought on this whole new wave of pain, and even anger, because we only had 3 years together. And after a failed prior relationship and accepting maybe I was never going to have anyone decent, it was all the more wonderful. I knew we would not have as many years as a lot of couple as he was quite a bit older than me, but it was too soon. And too unexpected. I foresaw in a couple of decades caring for him as he aged and being prepared. Not losing him in 36 hours to a bad gallbladder. I ache for everyone here losing someone after a lot of years. I cannot imagine. But oh my, there is a special pain that comes with the thought that there should have been longer, what would it have been like? What did I miss? And it feels so unfair that at 44, after 3 years of wonderful, it is snatched away. And that with supposedly so many years of my life left, it feels like now they are just going to be painful years. Thank you for listening. I have felt really alone.