brat#2

I'm surprised I haven't broken my TV remote control by now with all the switching channels I've been doing as soon as I see a certain commercial or show that I know is going to bring me to tears (which doesn't take much these days).  I still can't listen to music without crying either, so I guess we are not alone in these feelings. 

Joyce

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Yup, contact by phone is my life.  Senseless TV my companion.  I want to change it, but don't know how at this point.  Tho I have lots of outsiders for advice.  They don't realize it makes it worse, all this fixing they try and do.  We can't be fixed.  We have to find a new life.  That's a huge endeavor.  Not like replacing a car or house.  And those are biggies but paled by comparison.

That's so true, I wish I could figure out how to change it, but just can't seem to find it yet.

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I did not pay attention to how really alone Ron & I were when he was here. We just went everywhere and did everything together.

That was Dale and I, and I didn't mind it and didn't feel we were alone.  But now it's nothing but loneliness.

Joyce

Patty and Gwen, I know how you feel when you say you feel weak.  I too was once a strong person but that was with Dale by my side.  I know he did everything he could to help become that strong, independent person, but I don't feel that way anymore.  I have to talk myself into going out of the house to do the things that need to be done, I just want to stay inside and not deal with anything.  I know that I can't and like you said Gwen, I navigate it by habit only right now.  It is so difficult to figure out who we are now.

Joyce

Patty, beautiful.  The night will always be yours and his.  Wishing you strength to get through all you have to do and wishing you can find some peace.  Hugs

Joyce

Gwen, I know the feeling of everything you said and I really do wish I knew how to make things matter again, so I could help you and all of us.  I know this doesn't really help, but you are in my thoughts and heart and if I could physically be there with you, I would be, just to listen and give you a shoulder to cry on.  

Joyce

I know how hard today is for you, these special occasion days are so difficult.  Just remember the love you felt that day and remember that love is still here today.  Beautiful picture.  Sending you hugs.

Joyce

2 hours ago, Cookie said:

Sometimes when I bring up the positive memories, it makes me really sad and I miss him more.  I don't think I've gotten to that stage where I can feel good from the memories.  Does that finally happen?  It sounds like it works for some of you.  I mean the memories are good and I feel great affection thinking about them, but then it's like I get slapped down with sorrow.  Make any sense?  Good wishes to you all...Cookie

I have the exact same feelings, the good memories are great, but then I get really sad knowing that there won't be any more memories (good or bad) made with him.  I to hope that someday that I can feel good when I have those memories.  Hugs

Joyce

No real words to say Gwen, other than I hear you.

Joyce

Gin, I know how hard today is, it's not fair that we have to spend an anniversary without our true love.  Hoping you can look at your photos and smile and find peace that the life you did have together was wonderful.  Sending you hugs.

Joyce

That's great news.  It sure will help now that you won't have those financial worries as much and that you can quit your job and find something that you might actually enjoy. I'm happy for you!

Joyce

Robin, I'm so sorry your visit with your dad didn't go like you wanted.  Unfortunately, I have found that the people I needed the most to understand and be there for me during this were the ones that hurt me the most because they weren't there, so to save me from more hurt, I've pretty much cut them out of my life.  It's never easy to take that hurt, but you will find support from others that will surprise you and you always have us.  Sending you hugs.

Joyce

Polly, That is a great way to honor Richard and what a beautiful picture.  I too, like Brad, love the Angelversary, that is so much better that anniversary.  Hope you and your daughter will find some comfort today and sending you hugs.

Joyce

Ana, I just had someone asked me that this morning.  But to be fair to that person, they don't know me other than from seeing me at the grocery store, so I said nothing exciting and left it at that.  It is really hard to find that balance with people.  Even the neighbors that have known Dale and me for 20+ years, I don't feel like I can really tell them how I'm doing and not doing.  I just find it easier to say I'm okay and let it go at that.  Posting on here and a few people that I have that I  can old fashioned email with are the only places I feel I can really say how I'm feeling and believe me, I'm grateful for that.  Thank you everyone.

Joyce

Mitch, I'm sorry you had such a bad burst, I know they hurt.  Sending you hugs

Joyce

Kim, wishing you some comfort and peace today, we all know how hard these certain dates can be on us.

Joyce

Yes, Robin, I'm feeling very down today myself, no real reason, just am, so I know how you feel.  Hugs to you

Joyce

Gin, it is exciting about the Cubs, but I totally understand how it really doesn't matter.  Most things don't really matter to me much anymore.

Joyce

Gwen, I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you.  I know you have Steve in your heart and he always will be and hopefully, when you can get through this stage you are going through, that will be enough for you and give you some peace.  I do understand how hard it is being alone, it is heartbreaking and the silence is deafening.  I haven't bought anything new for the house either, why bother, no one but me to see it and what's the point,  I would buy stuff to share with Dale or something he would like.  I was never much of a shopper anyway but now it's even less fun.  We are here for you and hope we can make you feel better in some way.  Hugs

Joyce

I use to decorate for every holiday there is, because Dale like it so much.  Last year, I did decorate a little for Christmas, but that was it.  This year I was planning on trying to decorate for Halloween, but i usually do it at the beginning of the month and was having to prepare to evacuate and then did evacuate and then deal with damage (which I'm still dealing with) for the Hurricane, so I lost interest in decorating for Halloween, maybe next year.

Joyce

I agree with you all, I don't think Dale would be handling this well at all if I were the one to go first.  I'm glad he is not having to go through this pain. It's not that I'm that strong and I'm having a very hard time dealing with this, but I've been with him when he has lost family members and friends and he didn't handle those to well.  I've lost most family over the years, but this one has truly rocked me to my core, but somehow I'm getting through it, I believe that Dale and all the other family I've lost are still with me and that is giving me some kind of strength and I hope they continue for the rest of my life, I sure need the help.

Joyce

Sending you prayers

Joyce

14 hours ago, Patty65 said:

just peeking in. i am still here.. I just feel like I have no words anymore. yesterday made 8 months. and ron would have been 57 this coming saturday. on that day last year, we lost our beloved black lab, kana, to the road in front of our house. it was a miserable birthday, his last one. and in three weeks from that, will be our 10 year anniversary. i just have no words anymore, or now anyway. but i don't want to lose you guys either. "youre feeling sorry for yourself" my head tells me. "i have a right to, and i can't help it," i reply. but the alone is too too vast these days. some days the shop is too hard to figure out in my fog. 

i went through a lot of effort to try to dream last night (i let go of my sleep medication routine, which was keeping me from any dreaming). and i did dream. it was just a horrible nightmare though, i should have expected that.  it was a cataclysmic end of the world dream, waking up with a horrible headache.  so much for wanting to dream, so much for anything. 

its so damn hard to keep trying to find ways to hold on and feeling worse for the ware for it.

Patty, so glad to see you post gain.  I totally understand how you don't feel like you have words anymore, I don't post much either because of that, I read here all the time, but just can't find the words most days to say anything.  You are not feeling sorry for yourself you do have the right to feel that way.  I'm sorry all those dates are hitting you at once, it makes it very hard.  Sending you Hugs

13 hours ago, kevin said:

Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

Kevin, I'm at 15 1/2 months since Dale passed away and I totally get what you are saying and feel the same way.  Hopefully for both of us this feeling will finally pass and we can maybe start to feel something more than I don't give a crap.

Exactly Brad!

George, glad you are safe.  Good idea about the motion light.  Have a safe trip and enjoy the mountains. 

Joyce

Marie, that does seem to be one of the hardest parts of this journey, knowing that they will not experience things again.  I know that when something happens, good or bad, I want to turn to him and say "did you see that?" or "did you have fun?" or "what do you think we should do?".  I believe that they do see what is going on, but just can't express to us that they do, so I feel we just need to keep going on the best we can and believe that they are having the moments with us.  Hugs to you

Joyce