brat#2

Cookie, how wonderful that ring is and how romantic.  Dale was that way too about saying the things he did around the house showed he loved me.  When he did buy me a present he always did a good job and in his later years, he got more sentimental too and make more romantic gestures.  I guess getting older does that to them.

Talking about Valentine's Day, my birthday is 2 days after Valentine's Day and for about the first 10 years of our marriage, I knew that if I got anything for Valentine's Day from Dale, I wasn't going to get anything for my birthday or if I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day I would get something for my birthday!  I never complained about it, but all of a sudden he started doing both, I guess after 10 years he decided we were going to stay married?  Or maybe just because he was older, he was getting more romantic, who knows, I loved him either way.

Gin, Happy Birthday to Al.  I know today is going to be hard, but what you shared about his unbirthday for others was great.  I know memories hurt, but at least we do have them.  Pictures are hard for me to look at also, there are only a few I can look at that don't make me completely break down.  Sending you a big hug, Joyce

Cookie, you are not alone in feeling the loneliness and I'm at 2 1/2 years also and you are right reality is really setting in.  I thought moving closer to family would change that feeling and it did a very very tiny bit, but the companionship, that certain touch and the look of love I use to get can't be matched by family.  I have no desire to do the dating thing, that is just too overwhelming to me, but like has been said above, it would be nice to have a in person companion that understood this feeling and didn't really want more than just to be my friend at this point.  I know I will not find Dale, wish I could, but at least a friend that understands would be great.  Hugs to you all

Hi Gin,

Even though I'm closer to family and get to see them more, I still have problems with loneliness too.  I guess since we don't have the one special person anymore that was with us 24/7, no matter how many people you have around you, you still feel that emptiness.  No, it's not just you that has a hard time making new friends, I haven't made any either.  The friends that I'm connecting with now are what I consider "old" friends, we were friends years ago and stayed in touch now and then, but now I get to see them.  I'm sure that once the newness of me being back here wears off, so will the visits!  Take care.

I know I haven't been very verbal this year and with this being the last day of 2017, I thought I would write what I've been going through this year.  It all started in March when what little family I have left, finally convinced me that I needed to move closer to them in Ohio.  My brother wanted to buy a place for me to live, so we started looking and it took until September to find what we were looking for.  During this time I was having very conflicting feelings about whether to move or not, after all, Florida had been my home for 35 years and Dale and mine married home for 33 years.  During this time I couldn't make myself start going through his/our stuff I guess thinking if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have to move.  Then September came and when Hurricane Irma became a threat to Florida, my brother insisted that I fly to his house in the Chicago area for the week, so I had to reorganize my evacuation boxes and take them and my vehicle to a safer location and go up there.  He had rescheduled the closing on the house in Ohio so that I could go with them and we closed on the house while I was up there.  Came back home a week later and thankfully no damage and the neighbors had already cleaned up the debris and had it out by the curb.  Then the fun really started, I had to find a mover and go through "our" things, mind you I hadn't touch anything of Dale's since he died, absolutely nothing had been touched or moved.  I had to go through everything that was his and decide what to take with me, because couldn't afford to pay moving company to take everything.  A lot of emotions over the next few months of doing that, a lot of tears, screaming, surprise at things he kept, sad over having to give stuff away, anger for having to do that, felt like I was betraying him by going through his stuff and giving it away and for moving away from "our" life and home.  Had to make arrangements to sell the van (couldn't afford to get it up to Ohio) and also made arrangements to sell our place.  Those months from September to November were some of the hardest months I've ever had to deal with in my life, doing it all by myself. I was in extreme emotional pain and physical pain as all that activity made the arthritis in both my hips and lower back go crazy.  Finally moving day came, the weekend before Thanksgiving, and that was hard seeing all our stuff being packed up and put in the moving containers and knowing that was the last time all that would be in our home and the last night in our place was very difficult.  The move to Ohio I guess was pretty smooth, but took almost 4 weeks before the movers were able to get my stuff delivered to me. 

I'm in my new place, which is beautiful, but I still feel like I'm a guest, I'm hoping that once I actually get everything unpacked and put out, our things will make me feel more at home.  It's been nice to be closer to family and actually been able to see them and also since I moved back to the town I grew up in, I've also reconnected with some old friends.  However, without Dale, it just doesn't feel like home and I still feel like I've betrayed him and disappointed him by leaving our home.  Then on the other hand, I know he would want me closer to family and not so alone as I was down there and be in a safer home and not have to worry about hurricanes, tropical storms, tornadoes, and home that was falling apart, etc that I had to content with there.   I was so afraid that once I moved from our home, that I would feel like Dale wasn't  with me anymore, but that is not the case, I guess that it doesn't matter where you live, your soul mate and true love will be with you always in your heart, mind and soul.  Although at the same time it is sad that I'm living where people didn't know him (we moved to Florida the day after we got married), but on the other hand I get to talk about him more trying to get people to know him (I don't know if that made any sense). 

Anyway, thank you for letting me ramble on and I'm hoping for all of us that 2018 might bring all a little more piece in our hearts.  I really appreciate all of you and so glad that I found this place to feel comforted and to be able to say what is one my mind.  Hugs to you all, Joyce

Sending you hugs Marg

My heart is with you today Gin, sending you hugs. Joyce

Maryann, glad to hear you are safe.  Having been through many hurricanes and tropical storms (none with that amount of rain though) I know how scary they can be.  Stay safe.  Hugs, Joyce

Mitch, that sounded scary, glad you are okay and yes Tammy was watching out for you.

Mitch, I am like you, everything is still here and in the exact same place that Dale left it.  Seeing his things gives me comfort too, so I know exactly what you are saying that if you removed the rack how much that would hurt.  We all deal with this in different ways and whatever makes you feel better is what should be done.  There is no right or wrong way to get through this journey, just whatever is right for you.  Hugs, Joyce

Sean, it hurts all over again because it's just another reminder, unfortunately it won't be the last.  We understand and my heart is with you.  Hugs, Joyce

Today is Dale's birthday.  Happy Birthday my love.  Even though this is his 3rd birthday without him, it is still very difficult to get through.  Any of our "special" days, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays don't seem to get any easier, not that the regular days all the rest of the year are easy either.  It's like it has been said many times before, I thought I knew what grief was, with already losing so many loved ones in my life, but this one, losing the love of my life and my soulmate, well you can never be prepared enough for it.  I love and miss you Dale and I always will.  

Brad, you will be fine and do okay.  Believe me though I understand what you are saying about how much this grief has shaken my confidence.  Good luck and Deedo will be with you cheering you on!  Joyce

Brad, wishing you good luck in your teaching adventure.  Please do come back and let us know how it is going.  Hugs, Joyce

Maryann, so sorry about your car accident, but glad you are okay and I'm sure Mark was watching over you.  I understand your feeling about losing another connection to your love and how much that hurts.  Sending hugs, Joyce

Kay, glad to hear you are doing better, hoping for more improvement for you.  Hugs, Joyce

mbbh, so beautiful and well said.  I can relate to it all.  Hope you can find some peace.  Joyce

Amy, wishing you some peace on this special day.  We all know how hard these days are to get through.  Sending hugs, Joyce

Kay, I'm so sorry that happened to you.  When you are expecting and wanting help and some relief and you can't get it, it can be devastating.  I hope you can find some help soon.  Sending hugs

Good luck today Kay and hope they are able to help with the pain.

Marg, I know how hard it is to stay strong in public, especially if someone shows you some kindness.  I lost it a little bit at the eye doctor the other day, when she wanted to know what kind of frames I wanted, I told her I wanted the same frames or something like it as they were the last ones that my husband helped me pick out.  She touched my hand, said she was sorry and told me they had the exact same frames still.  I cried and said thank you.  You never know when those triggers and acts of kindness will get you. 

Happy Birthday Marita, hope you had a nice time with your son and pizza.

Happy Birthday Gin, hope you find some peace today.

Happy Birthday Billy, Marg hope thoughts of him will bring you smiles.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.  Hugs, Joyce

2ND YEAR WITHOUT YOU

 My love, well it's been 2 years since I lost you and it hasn't gotten any easier. I'm still so lost, afraid, lonely, in pain both emotionally and physically without you.  I miss absolutely everything about you.  I miss being loved by you, miss worrying about you, miss being mad at you, miss you teasing me, miss your laugh and smile, miss your beautiful face, your loving eyes, your touch.  I don't miss loving you because that is all I can do and I will love you for the rest of my life.  I think of you every minute of every day and miss you every minute of every day. 

I wish I could feel safe again and I could feel you and your love again.  I do think I feel your love sometimes and that is what keeps me going.  You are in my heart and soul forever and I love you forever.