brat#2

Mitch, what a beautiful story and yes I believe she is with you protecting you and helping you.  I believe Dale is with me too, similar things have happened since he died and I felt like it was him that got me through it.  Also other times he is just here and a few times let me know, the hallway floor creaks once in a while when I haven't walked on it, the back door will pop open when I haven't used it for a long time, also the back screen door did the same thing.  When those things happen it kind of freaks me out, but then I just tell myself, Dale is here.  So I do believe they are here with us, just wish we could see, hear and touch them again.

Joyce

HH - I totally get the feeling of wanting to do things, like you said conversation, companionship, just being with someone.  It is depressing and very difficult to take some times, but we have to just keep trying and maybe someday feel somewhat "human" again.  HUGS

Joyce

I get the cleaning thing Gwen, I thought I had him pretty much trained to pick up after himself and to clean up his little messes, but until he is not here to make them, I was just kidding myself that I had him trained.  I miss cleaning up after him.  So you are right, there is too much free time now.  That's nice that Steve is all in one place, that makes it nice.

You both are so right, the silence is terrible.  I miss all the sounds that Dale would make, his teasing me, his laugh, just his voice.  I also find myself still trying to be quiet when I do things so I wouldn't wake him or disturb him while he was doing something and then I think, why am I being so quiet, there is no one here to hear you!

The hospital had to cut Dale's wedding band off the last visit because his arm and hand was swollen from an infection (he cried, the 1st time it has been off him in 33 years), but after he died, I had it put back together and sized and I wear it on the finger with mine.  It makes me feel closer to him and I think he would approve.

Motivation, I don't have any, I do what I have to do, but anything that could possibly wait is just sitting there to get done.  Oh well, who is going to make me to it?  It is a scary feeling when you don't feel like you want to be or fit anywhere.

You are not alone in your thinking iheartm.  I feel that way too, just buying my time until I see Dale again.  My hobbies that I did before have no meaning to me now because he's not here to "ooh and aah" over things, which always made me feel so special and he was always so proud of what I made.  I also have that those fleeting moments when I think he's watching over me and then it's gone knowing he's not here anymore.  It's so sad and gut wrenching and heart breaking.

The person we were with our loved ones has died and I think it is going to take a lot of time to figure out who were are now and who we want to be in this new situation that we don't want to be in. I know I don't  have a clue yet.

Joyce

Oh Marg, I get it.  At five months I didn't want to face anything, now at 8 months there are still things I can't make myself do, not ready yet.  I still can't listen to music maybe because it was a big part of our life together.  A lot of times we didn't watch TV at night, we would just listen to music together.  We all do what we have to to get through this journey and when we are ready for certain things, we will know it.  I'm sorry for your pain, I'm sorry for all of our pain.  Hugs

Joyce

What a beautiful idea and way to honor Kathy.

Joyce

I understand Marg, my faith has been a little shaken by all this too.  I'm trying to find it completely again and like you said until I do, I probably can't get much peace.  I too ready the article Marty suggests and feel like I'm where I'm suppose to be too, but that doesn't really seem to help when you are in it.  Maybe once you get through all you have to this month and get back to the house in April and get it for sale, you will be able to write and it won't be so daunting.  Hugs

Joyce

Mitch - we all have that guilt of what we did or didn't do in our relationship, both before sickness, during sickness and now after death, but I'm sure Tammy and our loved ones understand (as I'm sure they gave out as good as we did too) and have forgiven us.  Now we just have to forgive ourselves, which is not easy.

scba - that sounds like a great idea, I'm going to try it too.

Joyce

Cookie - I know what you are feeling.  It's just 8 months since Dale died and me too, a couple of months ago, I was feeling pretty ok, but this past week that has all gone out the window.  Yes, it is exhausting, one day pretty much ok and then the next day in tears all day long.  I was always pretty much in control of my life and now it's just up in the air.  Wishing you well too.

Joyce

Marg, I get it.  I use to write before Dale left too.  My emotions, happy and sad, but now it is hard for me to express my feelings.  There are so MANY different feelings now, that sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.  I try to express them to all of you, but not sure they are coming through.  So many of you write what I'm feeling and am grateful that someone else knows how I feel.  At least I have this forum to help, thank you

Joyce

Beautifully put and you said how I feel.

Today it is 8 months for me and your are right, it still hurts my heart, my mind and a lot of times I fell sick.  It's hard to believe that I will never physically see him again, feel his touch, hear his voice, his laugh, have him tease me, feel safe, see his beautiful eyes looking at me, it's so hard.  I'm grateful for him being in my life for 33 years, but so hurt and ungrateful that he is not here anymore.

We were not very social either, we were in the beginning of our marriage, but as time went on, we realized that we just wanted to be with each other.  I have no desire to meet new people, even though most of the "friends" we had are left too.  He was the outgoing one, I was always kind of shy and now that he's gone I've gotten even worse, so it is really hard for me to venture out and meet new people and try to make new friends.

I wish I had answers for all of us that could help us get through the pain and move on, but all I can offer is to listen and give you hugs.

Joyce 

I completely understand.  I make lists of things to do and things to remember, but then sometimes I can't find the lists!!  I also feel like I've aged at least 10 years or more in the past 8 months.  I've been having problems with my left hip and some days I can barely walk, had to get my husband's cane out last month, just so I feel safe when I'm away from home and don't have things to crab onto.  It's horrible.

Joyce

Thanks Gwen, I'll give them a call and see what I can do.

Gwen, they told me to get all that to them 3 months before my 60th birthday, were you able to do that sooner?  If I can, that might be the way to go and then like you said, just do the phone interview.

MyMB, I'm sorry for your loss and welcome to this forum that no one wanted to be a part of.  I know how you feel, your story is pretty close to mine.  Tomorrow will mark 8 months since my husband died.  We got our cancer diagnosis the end of February last year and he was gone July 10th.  It did go very fast, like you said between the doctor visits, hospital stays, every day care and a week in hospice care.  We were married 33 years and he was my soul mate and true love and wouldn't change any of it, even the last 4 1/2 months, for anything, other than having him back with me.  I do believe you will see her again and I believe I will see my love again.  I have found this site to be of great comfort, there are very caring people here and they don't judge you, they are just willing to hear you and help if they can.  Please continue to come back.

Joyce

Sleep seems to be my new best friend too.  I don't seem to dream (if I do I don't remember), so when I'm sleeping, I'm not thinking about how much life has changed.  I did the same thing, Gwen, got most the stuff done in the first month, like you said during the numb period and it's kind a of blur to me too.  I have to wait another year to apply for SS widow benefit though.

Joyce

iheartm - you are right it doesn't matter the amount of time you were with your spouse, it's the love that you miss.  Others who haven't had to go through this, completely do not understand that you can't just put a smile on your face and right out and make a new life for yourself, that you didn't want to make anyway.

Gwen - I'm the same, I'm not spending any more time at home than I did before, but not I'm just alone and other people think that is so wrong.  They don't understand how difficult it is, like you said, just to normal every day tasks and they expect you to start a new life in an instant?  I've been trying to do some "spring" cleaning (that hasn't been done in a long time) and I do a little and absolutely exhausted and quit and then there is the fact that no one but me will know it's been done, so I think why do it?

Joyce

Wonderfully put, thank you Brad

Joyce

I understand what everyone is saying.  I too wish I could hear or see Dale just one more time for him to tell me is good, at peace, pain free and that I will be with him again one day.  I sleep with his pillows and touch his pictures daily.  I received a blanket for Christmas that has my favorite pictures of him and us on it, so every night as I watch TV, I wrap that around me and it feels like he is hugging me, I of course, wish it was really his arms hugging me, but this is best I can do.

Joyce

Speaking of cooking and food, I too haven't really cleaned out the fridge.  Dale loved to make all kinds of sauces, marinates, hot sauces, etc.  I didn't like any of them, but they are still in the fridge.  Also during his treatments he really liked those pudding packs, and there are still 2 of them in the fridge.  He would cook, his specialty was cooking on the grill, but I did most of the cooking, and he loved most of the food I made, but since he left, I haven't made any of his "favorites" can't bring myself to do that or eat them.  I'm not really cooking much either, it's really hard to cook for one, so I eat a lot of sandwiches and frozen dinners.

Joyce

Yes, my TV viewing has definitely changed.  He liked action movies and I would watch with him and I like romantic comedy and he would watch with me.  Now I don't watch either one because they make me cry.  I even cry at commercials now, if they are romantic.  I still can't really listen to music yet.  It is amazing how much your "normal" stuff changes during this process.

Joyce

I so relate too of not wanting to venture out of my bubble.  I didn't want for much when we were together, we did a lot of things together, went places together, enjoyed the same activities, now I have no desire to find "something" new to do or to go to, just want to stay at home in my own little world.