brat#2

Marg, I think, especially now in our grief, we are ALL a little odd, that's what makes this forum so interesting and what makes our individual journeys unique.

scba, I totally get the "why" questions. I think we all have asked them over and over and unfortunately there aren't any true answers, wish there were.  We just have to trust our hearts that we made the right choice of choosing the love and who we love.  I'm sure we have all wondered if it was worth it, but for me, yes it was, Dale was the best part of my life and made me a better person, so this pain, which I hate, was the price I pay for loving my love and soul mate.

I completely understand that some of you feel the need to make changes or move from your homes.  My home is "our" home and even though everywhere I look I see Dale, that is also what give me comfort.  Sure I cry some times when I see his things, but like it was said in other posts, it's not the things that make me cry, it's him not being here.

I think our guilt is going to be difficult to get through.  The feeling of not doing enough to save them, the guilt of us still being here and they are not.  I think we all now it's not really our fault, but that is a hard feeling to get through.

Gwen, I totally agree, I haven't given anything away or done/moved anything of his yet either.  I just don't want that "why did I do that" later down the line.  It's not hurting anything staying the way it is until I'm ready.

Cookie, my husband has been dead almost 8 months (on the 10th) and yes we went through his sickness here at our home also, but he died in a Hospice center, so I don't have that part of it to deal with.  I totally get your feeling sad  when looking around your home and seeing him everywhere because I do the same thing.  I wish I could offer you some help in feeling better but I can't because I find more comfort being here that not.  But I'm sure it would be better if you didn't leave out of desperation so you wouldn't have that guilt on top of everything else.  Leave when you want to, if you ever want to.

Thank you Marg

Marg - I completely understand the guilty feeling, but I'm sure Billy understood and has forgiven you.  I feel guilty and angry that I didn't tell Dale it was ok to leave, which is really wasn't,  and to not be in pain anymore.  I had to put him in a  Hospice care facility and thought I would have time to talk with him about this, so I went home Monday night thinking I could talk with him the next day and when I got there the next morning he was not responding and never woke up again and finally on Friday, his body gave up and he passed away.  I did talk "to" him all those days, telling him how much I loved him and will miss him and thanked him for our marriage and years together, but I never got to talk "with" him about it.  I agree with Marty, I feel both Billy and Dale haven forgiven us and now we just have to try and forgive ourselves, which is not easy to do.

Maryann - thank you.  "Neutral" that is a great way of putting how some of us are existing.  I will keep talking to him and sometimes I think he answers me (so maybe those are my dreams).

enna - thank you for the beautiful quote, so true!

Marg - I haven't had any dreams of Dale yet or if I have I don't remember them.  I can't imagine how disappointing and sad that you have to wake up and realize it was a dream and that he wasn't truly there.  I look at pictures of him all the time and all his things (which I haven't gotten rid of or moved anything) and it does give me comfort, but also hurts terribly that I can't touch him.  I talk to him all the time too and I'm hoping he can hear me, which I think he does.  It's such a confusing time, a feeling of being lost, scared and alone.  I also write in a journal daily and on here which does help.  Thank you

Mitch, thank you for understanding.  You are right, words are just words, it is the love that we had and still feel that matters.  I don't know if easier is the right word, just hoping for more days of less intense pain.   I know Dale will be with me forever as will Tammy be with you forever.  Together we can get through this one moment at a time.

I don't seem to be able to express myself as beautifully as most of you.  I think I'm running out words to say to express how much I miss my wonderful husband and everything about him. As with all of you, my life has changed drastically and the pain is unbearable most of the time. I'm hoping for the day when it gets a little easier.

Thank you Brad.  Wonderfully put and so true

TerriL, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Your post sounds so much like our life.  We didn't have children, he was my handyman, could fix anything, he was my hero, my safety net, my love and soul mate.  After almost 8 months, I still trying to figure out how to keep going on without him.  I don't have hardly any outside support either and it makes for very lonely, painful days.  I agree with you that after 33 years of marriage, I'm still married to my husband and always will be.  I wish I could give you some advice on how to handle what people say, but I'm still trying to figure that one out myself.  I have found that this site is comforting in knowing that we are not alone in this.  Welcome and again sorry you have to be here.

Janka, I believe I will be with my love again someday too.. but for now it is difficult being without him.  I miss everything about him.

Wow, ALLl of you have said what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks.  It is so difficult being alone and so sad that we all have to be in this situation.

Dear Janka,

I'm so sorry for your plain and I understand your feelings of loss and betrayal.  I have also lost many of my family, but the hardest has been my beloved Dale.  I too, agree, that I need to carry on so that one day I will be with him forever.  He was my everything.  Hugs to you

George - glad you got all that taken care of today.  Wishing you safety as the night goes on.

I don't think you ever offended anyone.  I felt like I did with my post.  I'm so glad this is working for you and I hope you don't ever feel the need to "rethink" your posts.  You are inspiring and show such care for the people here.  I truly look forward to your incite and I do from everyone else.  As you said we are all struggling here and we need to just keep trying to find things that work for us to get through this.

I didn't mean to offend anyone with my post.  I understand that all of this is difficult no matter where you are in your grief journey.

hollowheart and Cookie, I agree with what you both said.  Maybe we are still too new to this loss and pain for the positive things to much good.  I too am glad for the ones that it does help and I'm hoping that someday I will get there too.  Right now (even though I have a lot to be grateful for) all I feel is empty, sad and alone.

Karen,

I completely understand how you feel.  I didn't realize how sick my Dale was either.  That 4 1/2 months after diagnosis with lung cancer and brain mets and after doing the treatments he would be gone.  He was my hero also and saved me so many times that I never thought I would be without him and that I wasn't able to save him.

Brad

The last 4 1/2 months that Dale was alive was spent here, but even though we were going through all the treatments and bouts of illness from the treatments, the other 22 years here were happy and that out ways the illness.  So our home is my comfort.  I too still speak and write as "us", it's hard not too after 33 years of marriage and I still feel like an "us" and not just a me.  Thank you for the excerpt, it is so true.

I understand.  We had often talked about giving up the home and just go RVing around, but never did it.  Work and responsibilities kept us from doing it.  We have had this mobile home and land for 23 years, so this is home to me.  I hope that it goes well and that you can get it sold quickly so you won't have to deal with it any more.