Nikki D

I am experiencing a hard to breathe moment this morning. I think it started out with the video that my second daughter had on her phone. She found some pictures and videos of Kura and she transferred them on my computer so that I can keep them as his memory. One of the videos was when she was pup-sitting my hounds while I was away. She recorded Kura’s reaction when he saw my car pulling in the driveway. All the whining and crying, and the happy dance when I was walking in the house… I wanted to cry but I swallowed my tears and kept my emotion inside so that I didn’t make my daughter feel bad, nor upset my grand kids. She thinks she is doing me a big favor. After going through all the pics and videos, I hid in the kitchen for a few minutes and cried a little, making sure no one saw or heard me. In the evening, after they left, I found a renewal notice from a Microchipping company. When I saw Kuranosuke’s name on it, I lost it. I burst into tears. My husband said go ahead and renew his, too, if I wanted to. I really appreciate his kindness, trying to make me feel better. But what’s the reason for renewing it when he no longer exists… and he is not going to get lost? I miss my big boy so much. Why, why did he have to go so soon?

I am so sorry for the loss of Merlin. He is beautiful! As I read your story, tears came rolling down my face. I, too, lost my Greyhound 2 months ago on February 10th, 2 days after my birthday, 2 days before the 5th anniversary of him joining our family. He was only 7. Our stories are similar... Kura was a very healthy dog (at least he appeared to be). Like you, I am very careful with my dogs' diet, I research high and low and give them the best (which I believe) of everything, has never failed with their health check-ups, and no human food. I even brush their teeth. Who would have thought that Kura was going to be taken away this soon??? Only 10 days before we had to let him go, all of the sudden, he stopped eating. He showed no obvious signs. When I was reading your post about Merlin trowing up bile, losing appetite, and drinking lots of water, I had a feeling, your Merlin had the same thing - tumor... And I was right... because that's exactly what happened to my Kura. An exploratory surgery was suggested, which we ended up declining because another vet whom we consulted with as second opinion (he is a pioneer in Greyhound medicine) was totally against the exploratory surgery. Sighthounds are different from other breeds and such surgery is very risky for Greyhounds. Kura actually didn't make it to the day of the surgery scheduled on Feb 11 anyways... The finding from x-rays and ultrasound with fine needle aspiration was 3rd grade Mast cell tumor. His lungs were getting filled up with fluid, unable to eat or breathe. Kura spent two nights at emergency hospital, while I was still clinging to my last hope for stopping the fast developing fluid and bringing him home so he could rest peacefully on his own bed. But when a vet called us 5 am to let us know that she needed to poke a needle to drain the fluid, I had to drop everything I was hoping and decide to let him go. He was already poked for fine needle aspiration a day before and there was a big risk of internal bleeding if they did it again... I couldn't let him suffer anymore. My husband and I drove an hour in light snow the morning of Feb. 10th, to say good bye to our big boy. We took his bed with us. It was a very, very hard decision. But as you say, "prolonging his life will only be for us and that would be selfish". We both made the right decision for our babies. I has been very hard for me to cope with the sudden loss, too. This discussion group is a very good place to be when we feel the need to talk to someone who understands what we are going through. I still have up and downs. Slowly, but I am definitely doing better.

I am so sorry... It must be devastating for you to go through this. I would be feeling exactly the same as you, if I were in the situation. I would be imagining how horrible it was for Pippin… and be blaming myself for leaving them without supervision, not caging the dog, or even angry at myself for leaving the house that day, thinking if it was another day, it might not have happened, etc, etc… and the image would surely be stuck in my head...just like the image of the time we were served with a form "consent to euthanasia" on my big boy's last day. I believe every living thing has a soul, even a tiny bug or a flower, and every life matters – big or small. You and your guinea pig had a deep connection. It is totally natural to feel how you feel. It is just some people don’t see it that way, unfortunately. I know how it hurts when people brush you off saying, “It’s just a guinea pig or a dog… Get over it.” Luckily I don’t have many of these people around me but I tell myself that these people are not as sensitive as we are and therefore, it really means nothing to them (they are not trying to be mean or anything, they just simply don’t understand our feelings) and try to ignore their words. It just happened that my Greyhound just killed a groundhog in our yard a few days ago while I was away for literally 5 minutes. She didn’t show much of prey drive and didn’t seem much interested in critters when another male Greyhound was alive (He passed this February). I would’ve never thought she would do that and I was shocked when I saw her with the already dead ground hog. It’s their (dogs’) natural instinct to hunt and kill… we can’t blame for what they were born to do. When I saw the groundhog, I felt so bad. But I didn’t see it bleeding or anything, I saw a wet spot around its neck area where I believe my dog attacked, it looked like it was just sleeping. As I mentioned earlier, I was only gone for like 5 minutes. I think dogs know exactly where to attack to kill preys instantly, and for the groundhog, it probably knew it was time to go… their natural instincts... and the circle of life,. So I am hoping that was the case with your beloved Pippin and she didn’t suffer long.

Kayc, I think we both are "dog people"! My dogs are like my own children. I call my kids "kids in skin and fur". I haven't looked into seeing a counselor. This group discussion forum has been a HUGE help for me. Thank you all for the support here. Marty, I think you are the best grief counselor! I have been doing the breathing exercise everyday, trying to take care of myself by going to a health check-up, eating healthy food, and looking for ways to heal myself naturally such as Reiki and Yoga. I am still working on writing a letter to Kura. I have been feeling better the past few days. I noticed myself actually SMILING (with NO TEARS!) for the first time since Kura passed, while looking at his pictures - that was when I was posting some silly pictures of him dressed like a princess on this forum. So I want to wait and see how I'll do with the grief work I'm doing now and decide if I need to go see a counselor...

kayc, Thank you. It sounds like you've been through a lot... Your words are very encouraging. I want to do the same to get through this. As someone very nice suggested me, I am looking into a naturopathic doctor, too. The first thing my doctor said was she had never seen anyone who was affected this bad by the loss of their pets before. My doctor is a general practice physician and I understand that it's not her primary practice to see people going through grieving, especially ones with pet loss. I do not blame her for her thought. And no, this is not ongoing. I never felt depressed before. I have been an optimistic person pretty much throughout my entire life. I went through a major grieving when my grandmother passed when I was 19. I still cry once in a while when I think about her, but I never suffered any depression or anything.

Today I went to my annual check-up. My doctor said she normally prescribes hormone control to treat menopause but for my case she thinks I need antidepressant... I think I am beginning to feel better... I don't want to depend on medication. I made an appointment for a Reiki session next week and am looking into maybe joining in Yoga class. I think I can do this without being medicated...

Kura's 49th day memorial tonight. Ku-chan, I hope you are having a great time at the Rainbow Bridge. When I close my eyes, I can see you sniffing around in a beautiful bright green meadow...with colorful flowers and warm sunlight. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories, Ku-chan. We shared such wonderful time together... I will forever cherish them. Mommy loves you and misses you so much. I wish I could be there with you. But it's not time for me to be there yet. Be patient and be a good boy until I get there. OK? Big Boy? Love, Mommy

Today is the 49th day since my big boy Kuranosuke has been laid to rest. This day holds a special significance in our tradition and a memorial service is often held. It's believed to be the day that the ones who passed will enter the next world. Although I know he already crossed over the very night he passed, and is at the Rainbow Bridge, I want to do a little candle ceremony for him tonight.

OK, it's my turn to share my "craziness"! Note: Kura was a BOY... I just had to do this... I think he looked beautiful in a princess outfit, though. I am sorry, Ku-chan for doing that to you. I was a bad mommy...

Aww... They are too cute to resist - I just want to kiss them on their cute noses!!! Noon, I love the pink dress on Chyna! She looks like a celebrity! She is a precious little thing! Kayc, What breed is Arlie? I love the king's throne he is sitting on! Did you make the coat for Arlie yourself? Very nice! I love the fabric and color of the coat. We also get laughed at sometimes about the coats and pajamas Greyhounds wear... They look at us like "These people must be insane.." What people don't understand is that Greyhounds don't have body fats to protect themselves from cold weather, they have to have those to keep them warm, especially Saya... she doesn't have much fur!

Here is a picture of the Chi... Can you tell she has been spoiled? I thought you might get a kick out of it!

Interesting how we have so much in common! I've always been a "dog person" and at some point, I prefer being with dogs more than with people! My Kura was the same way - he preferred people more than dogs... that's probably why we had a very strong bond together. lol I am the same way with lost dogs, too. About a year ago, I saw a pitbull curled up in front of someone's mail box alongside the street while I was driving. He didn't have a collar. I stopped my car to see what I can do- for the same reason.. I didn't want him to get hit by a car. I called my husband but he was totally against my idea of bringing him home to keep him until we find owner or someone to take him. I had to agree with him in that we couldn't put our own in danger, you'll never know the dog may have something contagious. While I was standing on the side of the road, making sure he didn't walk up to the road and wondering what else I could do, a gentleman drove by stopped and asked if everything was OK. He called his wife, who is an animal rescuer, to come. She came with a leash and water for him. We asked around the neighbors to see if they knew the dog and found out that he had been sitting around there since the night before and they all thought someone ditched him there. So the couple decided to take him until they find someone who could take care of him while searching for his owner (if they were looking for him) or a foster parent. After that I even thought about getting a metal fence and an igloo dog house that we can put outside of our fenced-in yard, this way, if I ever encounter a stray dog, we can temporary keep it there and our dogs are still protected. My husband agreed to the idea but the cost of it was a bit much and to this day we haven't had it set up yet. But luckily I haven't seen any strays since then. We also rescued a 10-year-old chihuahua, I believe it was November last year. One day, out of blue. my 4-year-old granddaughter said when she was at my house, "Nana, (her friend's name) hits (the dog's name) all the time. Everybody hits her." Being a dog lover, it brought a huge concern. With my daughter and one lady from our Greyhound rescue group's help, we were finally able to pull the poor dog out of the misery. She was being hit, ignored, confined in a tiny cage, and wasn't getting any medical treatment needed. The lady was at first supposed to foster her soon fell in love with her and took her in to her "house for rescues" with other fur friends. We got her just in time to save her life because the Chihuahua had a tumor in her front leg and was in a poor health condition. We chipped in the vet bills (God bless her the lady paid most of it out of her pocket), the poor Chihuahua finally got spayed, received all the necessary shots, and the surgery to amputate the leg to prevent the cancer to be spread. Now she is thriving, enjoying her life for the first time ever, and getting spoiled rotten!

Noon, Thank you for taking time to read my long story! My husband read yours last night and he said that our situation is very similar to the point where it's almost scary! When I read your post at first, I felt the same as you did - I am not the only one, and it gave me comfort. kayc, I was going to ask you if Lucky was mixed, she didn't look 100% Whippet when I first saw the picture... But I would've never guessed she had Dalmatian in her! When I walked Kura and Saya in public place, I used to hear people call them "Grate Dane" and "Dalmatian"!

Noon, Thank you so much for sharing your prayer. It is exactly what I need to hear. I also believe that there is always a reason when things happen - we may not know the reason now, we may find out soon, or years later, or it could be after we are taken back home ... Just like you say, I think it was time for our babies to go - it was the decision made by a higher power. I want to believe that even it hurts so much, it is the best decision for our babies and us. Some day we'll find out why the decision was made and know that it was in deed the best decision. You said your heart was eager to love another baby. I admire your braveness. I haven't got there yet, I am still scared of going through this again... But I also know there are SO MANY unfortunate fur babies (and human, too) out there who have been abused, neglected, abandoned, don't even know what being loved feel like... This is also a reminder of a fact that our babies we just lost were very fortunate that they were well taken care of and are still very much loved by us. There may be someone already waiting for you to give her/him your love!

Thank you so much for all your support. I am working on writing Kura a letter now. I have been doing the breathing exercise. I finally made an appointment to see my doctor for my over-due annual health check-up. I went to grocery shopping and picked up healthy food today.

Lucky reminds me of Saya, my other Greyhound!

I will be praying for us, too...to help us get through this difficult time and one day the memories of our babies will bring us smiles and laughter, instead of pain and tears... I would like to share a picture of my princess (lol) She is still here with me!

I am so sorry... I am crying as I read your post... I feel exactly the same way about my decision on euthanizing. I lost my big boy last month. He was only 7. There was no obvious symptom and he was gone in only 10 days after the first symptom. The last day, when my husband and I rushed to the hospital early morning, he was suffering - unable to breathe, sort of like the same situation as your baby. Because of his mast cell tumor that was on connecting tissue near his lungs, his lungs were filling up with fluid rapidly... We had to leave him at an e-vet for 2 nights, knowing he hates to be away from me and he hates to be in a crate... I was still clinging to my hope that he could wait until 8 am that morning until the chemo therapist arrives and maybe chemo could stop the developing fluid... it was the only way to stop it. Another hope, my last hope that I could at least bring him home to help him pass on his own bed. But unfortunately I dropped those hopes at 5 am and had to make the decision to just let him go at the hospital, as it seemed that was the best thing we could do for him. Although I still believe it was, I still ask myself, maybe we should have waited for one more hour... (It was 6;50 am when he passed, only an hour away until chemo therapist comes...) Maybe a miracle could happen and chemo could save him? at least for him to be able to hold, even for a few hours to get home? Many regrets... It has been very hard for me, too. I really really feel your pain... Chyna is so cute! I do the same thing with my dogs, too.

Easter 5 years ago. The Basset Hound was our next-door neighbor's dog. We invited her to join the egg hunt in our yard. She got killed by a car accident a few years ago. They are both at Rainbow Bridge now...

Marty, thank you so much for pointing it out. I checked my breathing and I realized I am inhaling only one third of (that's how it feels) what I should be, it feels like just the "tip" top part of my lungs are getting oxygen. I would've probably never noticed... Thank you. Why does this happen in mourning???

I have been avoiding listening to upbeat music and rather choose to listen to sad songs, I guess, to sink myself in sorrow. But today, for the first time since Kura passed, there was a moment that I felt like listening to one of my favorite songs (upbeat and happy) I loved to sing along to. I was shocked to realize that I can't even sing well... My chest muscle felt so heavy and tight that it was hard to get my voice out loud and I was so off key... I kept singing for about 10 minutes anyways and at the end I felt like I was ready to pass out! I've been noticing that my muscles are tensed along with body aches here and there but I didn't realize it was this bad! Well, at least I sang (tried) loud. So I want to take it as a good step. However, when I read some poems later, I cried again...

Picture of Kura celebrating his 3rd BD (first birthday with us) on May 2nd, 2011

Thank you so much. I will start working on The Work of Grief. It shocked me when I read the “shell shock” from the “Doing the work of Grief”... Whoever wrote it could not have better described exactly how I am feeling right now… it almost sounds like this person can see through my mind or even lives inside of me! As for the veterinarian, she moved and left the clinic. I will have to write in another post about some strange things that happened... For now, I would like start with sharing how Kura came into my life. I wrote this a day after Kura's passing, when I felt I saw his shadow the night before... "内蔵助(Kuranosuke) was named after the leader of the famous 47 Ronin, the hero of the legend Chushingura - a non-fictional event that took place during 1701-1703 in Japan. Kura was as loyal and devoted as Kuranosuke Oishi Yoshio, not that I named him because I wanted him to be, but it turned out that’s how my Kura was. Nearly 2 years after being diagnosed with Lyme disease, I was still struggling to cope with daily life and was on a new treatment that required a strict schedule. It was depressing for someone who used to be a workout buff, who took pride in keeping herself in good shape. Staying home all day, the only pleasure I had was to watch Animal Planet and Dr. Phil on TV. As I watched animal rescue stories day after day, I became interested in rescuing. Being always a lover of animals, especially dogs, there was no question, if we ever did, it would be a dog. We had a family discussion which all agreed that we would rescue a dog and we all share the duty. I started researching. It became obvious that my first intention of rescuing a Pitt bull - a dog with bristling energy, wouldn’t work well with my condition. We needed a laid-back, quiet, and less-grooming-required dog. So we kept searching. One day my husband and I went out for a quick bite to eat. For whatever reason, we decided to visit Petco. As we walked in, we noticed some big and slim dogs in a pen in the corner of the store. They reminded me of Afghan hounds that I always wanted, but without “hair”. We walked over to take a better look at them. A gentleman with glasses who was in the process of wrapping up said, “They sleep 16 hours a day.” That’s it! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for! “It sounds like exactly what we need!” I said to my husband. That’s how the search of a Greyhound started. I was so excited. We went on a hunt for finding the one we all liked. Our oldest daughter fell in love with this handsome cow-patterned Greyhound named Flynn from the local Greyhound rescue group. She calls it, “Love at first sight”. We contacted the rescue group, and the day came to meet Flynn. There wasn’t any significant sensation with Flynn such as “We knew he was the right dog from the moment”, or “He picked us.” - the phrases you hear sometimes at adoption. There was actually another big boy named Bronco who came in our consideration. But we soon learned that’ Bronco was way too strong for me to handle. Family members explored the names. I am from Japan, we wanted to give our new family member a name has something to do with my origin. Asuka, Lupin, Jigen, Goemon, Ryoma… Kuranosuke won the vote. After Kura became our new family member, we all were given tasks. Especially I, needed these tasks to get out of the world of miserable fatigue and pain I was drenched in. I was forced to go outside because Kura needed to be walked. I remember hearing it in a LD support group session that oxygen does good for Lyme patients. Soon it became my great joy to take Kura for walks. We were driving to parks, public places that allow dog walking, pet stores, etc.. all over town. I enjoyed training Kura and teaching him tricks as well. He was very smart and he learned everything very quickly. He even learned several sign languages. I finally had things I could look forward to, instead of lying on the sofa in pain. Kura also gave me more tasks in dealing with his separation anxiety. I didn’t have time to be worrying about just myself anymore. Then Saya joined our family 5 months later. Now I am busy taking care of two dogs. Filled with positive energy, little by little I was starting to feel better. Kura was a healing angel sent to this earthly world in disguise. He picked me and when his assignment was complete, he was called back. He may have already been assigned to another task, assisting someone who needs him. But I believe he will always be by my side as my guardian angel."

I am so glad that I found this site. It's a big relief to know that I am not "crazy" nor alone... Thank you so much. I know this is going to be another long one but please allow me to express my anger, regrets, and guilt that have been spinning around in my head and been haunting me... in hope of easing my pain... My Anger, Guilt, and Regrets: 1. Right after Kura’s passing, I was very angry at one doctor from our primary vet clinic who recommended us to opt out ultrasound (US) and instead suggested an exploratory surgery. We agreed to her (although we ended up not doing it) because at the point we thought that was the best thing since we didn’t really know what was going on… If the “original” vet who actually found the tightness in his abdomen, took x-rays, found a mass and spoke to me on the phone earlier (she suggested US and FNA) was available to consult with us about our next step at the time of discharge on Friday Feb. 5th, she would probably have gone ahead and made an arrangement for US and FNA the next day or so. Then we could possibly have detected the problem earlier, before the fluid in Kura’s lungs and abdomen got out of control. The doctor who consulted us seemed as if she was fixated on doing the surgery - Saturday and Sunday we kept calling and asking if his fast respiratory rate and not being able to eat anything were something we should be concerned about. But all we got was the receptionist saying, “As long as his gums are pink and has no fever, he should be fine. I’ll let the doctor know…” And when finally the doctor called after 8pm, she suggested to increase the dose of pain medicine to see if that helps and she even told me that she re-checked the bloodwork result and everything looked fine for the surgery on Thursday. Couldn’t she connect his fast respiratory rate with something might be going on in his lungs??? and perhaps at least offer chest x-rays? My husband and I are not vets we couldn’t tell what was wrong with Kura. We thought he was in pain. So we wasted the whole Saturday and Sunday, waiting and wondering. I even started to wonder if that doctor was just for money (the procedure estimate for the surgery she gave us was $3,440, verses US was $359 plus specialist consultation fee.) That is a big difference... Came Monday, we finally lost our patience, along with the sighthound specialist urging us to find somebody who can do US and FNA, we called back the clinic as soon as they opened, demanding it to be done ASAP… It turned out we were referred to a specialty emergency vet hospital but by the time they found the problem, it was already too late. The reason Kura had to pass was not the mast cell tumor. It was the fast developing fluid. Maybe he could have lived a bit longer with chemo therapy, even just a few more months, maybe until his 8th birthday in May… Then I could have at least prepared myself to let him go, instead of, just all of sudden…he disappeared… 2. I noticed, a few weeks prior to his first symptom of refusing food, Kura seemed somewhat sad or depressed. Now I think about it, his tumor was growing and he wasn’t feeling good. But I thought he was that way because of the weather… He just had his wellness exam, he was eating, poop looked normal, everything else was normal so I didn’t take any action. If I took him to the vet then, maybe they could have found something… Then again, as my husband says, unless we knew what was wrong with him, even a vet couldn’t have done anything. They can’t just do whole body x-ray hoping they find something… I think he is right. 3. Leaving Kura at the emergency hospital the last 2 nights where he had to stay in a crate that he hated. Kura hated to be confined. He suffered separation anxiety for about 5 months after we adopted him. We had to crate him when no one was home because he would chew up things. He tore up almost 20 comforters while he was in crate during the five months. When he stayed in a kennel for a few days when I had to go out of town to see my first granddaughter’s birth, Kura came home with bruises on his legs and feet, because he tried to escape. It all stopped though, after we adopted another female Greyhound and left the two together out of crates. I still think that leaving him at the hospital could have worsen his condition for I know how Kura reacts when I am away and to be confined, especially in a crate. But again, my husband may be right that Kura was in a better place because, first of all, he couldn’t eat and at least he was getting food and steroid through IV, was given pain control, and there was a vet there to do something in case he started to drown in his own fluid. We could not have done that at home and he would suffer a lot if it happened at home. 4. I always had this strange intuition which started only a few months after adopting Kura that he wouldn’t make it to average Greyhound lifespan. I still don’t know why I felt this way. I always had that in back of my head but since he was so healthy, I kept telling myself that I was over-worried or over-thinking. I should have been more careful… He did develop one small lump on his chest area about 1.5 years ago and when I asked a vet, he said it was just a fat lump and as long as it’s painless, didn’t change sizes or anything, it would be fine. He also grew a mole above his eye that bled several times. When I mentioned about it at one of his wellness checkups, I was told by a nurse at the vet clinic that it was just a mole. She cleaned and put ointment on it. Didn’t seem too concerned about it so I just left it at that… and it was gone in a few months. I should have asked to do biopsy then, just in case... That could have been a sign of him being prone to develop cancer… 5. On Feb. 4, I went out of town to attend a lecture. Had no idea that Kura was going to pass only 6 days later... I knew he wasn’t eating but at that time I didn’t know he was fighting cancer… I thought he just had a stomach infection and since he was seen by a vet and was on medication for it, he would get better by next day or so. I was gone for 10 hours… I feel so bad I did it to him. I know how much he misses me when I am away. It must have been awful for him to be sick and be sad… 6. I told Kura that we would go for more walks and rides when spring comes. I was also planning this year we would go to walk on some battlefields together. But he had to leave before we could do all these, before spring arrived... I understand there is nothing I can do... Kura is gone and I can't bring him back no matter how much time I spend thinking about the things I can't change. But I just can't stop...these thoughts keep coming back.

I know this is very long but I just put it here for those who are interested in knowing what happened. On February 1, Kura refused his breakfast for the first time. I thought he was having a tummy trouble. He seemed a little sad a few weeks prior to that but I thought it was because of the weather - it had been cold and we had some snow, too. We weren't able to walk as much… he loved his walks. Besides, he just had his every 6 month wellness checkup just a month ago, on December 31, and everything (including blood work, fecal and urine tests) looked good and normal. I started the boiled chicken and rice with pumpkin diet as I normally did when he had tummy troubles. He was a healthy dog and only had 3 minor tummy trouble during his 4 years with us and he was better within a day or so. But this time didn't get better. He ate some but not much. Feb 3, I took him to the vet. They started out with a treatment for stomach infection with antibiotic and said that if he didn't get better in two days, bring him back. He continued to refuse, even rotisserie chicken, tuna fish, food he never had before. I took him back on Friday the 5th. The vet who checked him this time felt something tight on his side and suggested leaving him there for x-rays. She called me that afternoon that the x-rays showed a mass/enlarged spleen and she suggested we do fine needle aspiration (FNA) with ultrasound to better locate the mass and find out what it is. When we went to pick him up later that afternoon, the vet who saw him earlier was in surgery so another vet came out to talk to us about the next step. She told us whatever he has didn't look good and for some reason she objected FNA and ultrasound and instead an exploratory surgery on Thursday. She said she would be on duty on the weekend so she could assist us if we need it. I was in shock. This boy was as healthy as he could be. The situation seemed serious but I couldn't swallow it... I contacted the sighthound specialist for consultation because sighthounds are different from other breeds. The specialist recommended FNA with ultrasound, just as the first vet suggested, and NOT to do exploratory surgery as it is very risky for a Greyhound. Saturday he continued to refuse any food, even a piece of raw beef. He was still able to move around, though... he actually went for a walk and took a little bite of a hot dog during the walk. We thought the walk made him want to eat and we were very happy. That night he kept changing his sleeping spots and drank water frequently. Sunday morning his breathing became faster. We called the vet. They said as long as his gums are pink and not running fever, he should be fine… We kept checking his gums and temperature. We were very concerned but the vet didn't seem to be as worried. She called back at the end of the day and told us to increase the amount of pain medicine and force feed him if we can, see how he does until Thursday. While the specialist suggested FNA as soon as possible, not to force feed, and NO surgery. Monday February 8th, my birthday. We call back the vet as soon as they opened, demanded ultrasound and FNA. That day it was another vet on duty. She said their equipment they have might not do the job needed and she wasn’t comfortable doing it. She contacted an emergency specialty vet hospital and squeezed us in that afternoon. My poor boy hadn’t had much food the entire week but still got up and stood by the door when he knew he was going for a ride (probably not knowing he was going to an e-vet, not to a park…) They did ultrasound and FNA, kept him there overnight. Next morning the specialist called with the result. 3rd grade mast cell tumor. She explained two options: Chemo therapy or pain control. There was another huge problem. The fluid was building up very fast in his lungs and abdomen. It was risky to bring him home because of it. Since they already poked him with a needle when they did FNA, it’s risky to poke him again, if it comes to time that they have to drain the fluid. We decided to keep him there another night and start the chemo as soon as a chemo therapist arrives the next morning. Chemo was the only way to maybe, just maybe, stop the fluid. I was clinging to my last hope - to somehow slow down the fast developing fluid, bring him home, and help him cross the bridge peacefully at home on his own bed. I made an arrangement with a local mobile vet to come help him go to sleep at home. As they kept their close eye on him at the hospital that night, I started to have the feeling, he might not be able to even come home. 5 am, February 10th Wednesday, the vet stayed overnight and cared for him called. She said that she went ahead and took IVs off and it was time that she had to poke him to drain the fluid, and for that he had to be sedated and there was a risk of internal bleeding. I thought then, I had to drop all my hopes and focus on saving my boy from suffering. I asked her if he could wait until my husband and I get there (it was an hour drive) with his bed. She said to come as soon as possible. When we arrived at 6 am, the hospital was still dark and quiet. The receptionist unlocked the door for us. She brought a piece of paper “consent to euthanasia”. It slammed me like a sledge hammer... Is this happening for real??? The picture of the moment my brain took still keeps going through my head. I had to have my husband signed it – I just couldn’t. We asked if we could bring his own bed. The receptionist took us to a private room where we put his bed and on it we would say good bye to him. The vet brought him out on leash. He was still walking. His legs were swollen and his breathing was harsh. He used to get so excited when he saw me but not this time… not sure he was upset because I left him there for two nights, in a crate that he hates? Or he just didn’t have the strength… I asked the vet if I could take him out for a short walk for one last time. He loved his walks. She said yes but make it quick. It snowed a little a few hours ago. We put his jacket on and took him out to the parking area. He sniffed around and peed a lot. He saw my car. He would normally jump up and down and rush to the car for a ride but it seemed like he knew he wasn’t going for a ride, or maybe he was so sick that he didn’t feel like it… When we walked toward back to the hospital entrance, he just followed quietly. We got back to the room, we said to him “Go night night on your bed.” He got up on the bed but couldn’t lie down. I told him I was sorry for leaving him there… and I told him he would always be with me wherever I go and we would be together forever … He was breathing hard… He was finally able to lie down when the first shot (sedation) was given. And then the second one… almost immediately his harsh breathing stopped and he was sleeping. We heard his last breath. We took him home in a large box they put him in. When we got home we put the box on his bed in the living room where he always was at the time of the day while I watch my news. I watched the news as I always did, with him on the bed in front of me. He was my super Velcro dog who followed me everywhere. He got me used to use the bathroom with doors open, to keep him from going bonkers looking for me. Every morning he would lay there dozing on and off, open his eyes every now and then to check on me. But that morning he was just sleeping. Yet the reality hadn’t hit me. It just didn’t seem real that he was gone. I couldn’t even cry until… we had to drop his body at our local vet where they would keep him in the freezer until cremation service come. He came back in his urn a week later. It sits on his memorial during the day, and every night I take it to his bed in our bedroom, where he always slept at night.