I am new to this group and have been reading through several posts. The article titled "Goodbye to goodbye" really hit home with me. My husband was in a hospice facility for 11 days and was unresponsive the last 7 days. I would talk to him every day, hold his hands, hug him, kiss him, etc. I did not leave his side for 11 days and slept next to his bed every night. I would say one thing over and over to him, something like this: I love you and I know you love me. Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. You've done a good job. I'm going to miss you, but it's OK to leave. I'll meet you there.
Several people at the hospice facility would ask me if I told him it was OK to go. I told him that every day. I was surprised he lasted so long while being totally unresponsive. I asked them how it may be in the end, would he have a heart attack? would he be struggling and gasping for breath? They said maybe and that scared me. I did not want to witness him suffering anymore than he already had. Thankfully another gift he gave me was to go peacefully as I slept. I felt his spirit pass over me and his strength come into me. It was amazing. I guess I never got to say goodbye either, even though I knew he would be passing soon. I also knew soon after he did pass that his body was no longer "him" so I was fine when the funeral home came to get his body. The facility he was in was part of a Catholic nursing home. Two nights before he died, I had their priest come in and he administered Anointing of the Sick. I was raised Catholic but my husband was not. It gave me comfort. We both anointed him and the priest prayed over me. The priest came back the next day and talked to my husband like he was able to talk back. That night he passed away.
A few months ago I went to a bereavement seminar and the man who was the main speaker kept saying over and over "Do NOT tell the dying it is OK to go" Well, I felt strongly he should not keep saying that over and over. All of us there had obviously lost someone and the staff where my husband was kept telling me to say those words. I almost stood up and asked him to stop saying that, it only added to our grief and guilt. I felt so strongly that I sent the presenter an email afterwards to stop saying that to people who had lost a loved one.
I think we all, as caregivers, feel guilt and always "what if". There are images in our minds we can never erase. There are inept medical people and facilities. There are also many wonderful people who help us in our grief and try to move past those sad, dark memories. I'm so sorry for all of us who have had our spouses leave us.
Linda