LAK

Thank you for believing the same thing I did. I think this man had only been at his mother's bedside when she died and from the MANY stories he told about her death, she was alert and active right until she passed. This is not so in many cases. The night my husband did pass was a little different. They had turned him in the bed to face the wall so I could not lay in the chair/bed next to him and be able to touch him as I had every other night. For some reason that night I did not take out my contacts or put on my pajamas and decided to sleep in the window seat bed several feet away. I got up around 11:30 to check on him and use the bathroom and he was just as he had been for several days. I was pulled right off that bed exactly at 2 am on 11/2/14, which was when the clocks were supposed to be turned back. As I said before, I felt his spirit pull me up and his strength come into me. His time of death was listed at 1 am since the clocks changed. The nurse that came in asked me what woke me up and I told her how I had felt. She said "I believe that happens all the time" and I told her it was the first night I had not slept next to him and she said he was waiting to pass without you right there. At first, I felt so sad about that, I hoped he didn't feel I had left him. She said "No, he chose that time" Now I realize it was a gift. His last words to me also did not make sense. He woke wide awake during the night several nights before he passed and I jumped right up and he was reaching for me and saying "I need you quickly, hurry" I looked in his eyes for the last time (which I didn't know at the time) but he was not "there" I told him he was OK and I was right there and I stroked his face and he went right back into his deep sleep. I felt so peaceful at the hospice facility. The people there were so caring and kind to all of us. It let me be just his wife, no longer worrying about his meds and being able to move him. It was sort of a magical place, surrounded by so much sadness if that makes any sense. Lots of grief bursts coming out today, but I'm letting the tears flow as they come. Linda

I am new to this group and have been reading through several posts. The article titled "Goodbye to goodbye" really hit home with me. My husband was in a hospice facility for 11 days and was unresponsive the last 7 days. I would talk to him every day, hold his hands, hug him, kiss him, etc. I did not leave his side for 11 days and slept next to his bed every night. I would say one thing over and over to him, something like this: I love you and I know you love me. Thank you for giving me this beautiful life. You've done a good job. I'm going to miss you, but it's OK to leave. I'll meet you there. Several people at the hospice facility would ask me if I told him it was OK to go. I told him that every day. I was surprised he lasted so long while being totally unresponsive. I asked them how it may be in the end, would he have a heart attack? would he be struggling and gasping for breath? They said maybe and that scared me. I did not want to witness him suffering anymore than he already had. Thankfully another gift he gave me was to go peacefully as I slept. I felt his spirit pass over me and his strength come into me. It was amazing. I guess I never got to say goodbye either, even though I knew he would be passing soon. I also knew soon after he did pass that his body was no longer "him" so I was fine when the funeral home came to get his body. The facility he was in was part of a Catholic nursing home. Two nights before he died, I had their priest come in and he administered Anointing of the Sick. I was raised Catholic but my husband was not. It gave me comfort. We both anointed him and the priest prayed over me. The priest came back the next day and talked to my husband like he was able to talk back. That night he passed away. A few months ago I went to a bereavement seminar and the man who was the main speaker kept saying over and over "Do NOT tell the dying it is OK to go" Well, I felt strongly he should not keep saying that over and over. All of us there had obviously lost someone and the staff where my husband was kept telling me to say those words. I almost stood up and asked him to stop saying that, it only added to our grief and guilt. I felt so strongly that I sent the presenter an email afterwards to stop saying that to people who had lost a loved one. I think we all, as caregivers, feel guilt and always "what if". There are images in our minds we can never erase. There are inept medical people and facilities. There are also many wonderful people who help us in our grief and try to move past those sad, dark memories. I'm so sorry for all of us who have had our spouses leave us. Linda

Chris, I read your first post from 3 years ago just now, what a beautiful love story. Many people don't experience what you and your wife had. I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story. I know you don't feel very lucky now, but you were both lucky to have found each other. I just wanted to chime in with the others saying to please reach out for some help. I have been on Celexa for almost 3 years, started while my husband was actually doing very well and doubled the dosage after he died. I also take Ativan at night to help me sleep because bed time is the worst time of day for me. There is no shame in taking medications like this when you need them. I also benefited greatly from both a bereavement group and one-on-one grief therapy. I had never gone through either type of therapy before and wasn't sure if it would be "my thing" but it has really helped me. It still hurts to work with a therapist, but this intense grief we all have has to be worked through. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. Linda

Thank you, everyone, for the welcome. There is so much information on this site. I look forward to getting to know you and reading all the posts I can relate to. Linda

Hello, I'm glad to find this site, referred by another widow on the CSN group for colorectal cancer. My husband passed away on 11/2/14 from metastatic colon cancer that spread to his small intestines and lymph nodes. He lived 23 months from diagnosis in December 2012. He was 61 and I miss him so much. I still work full time and I'm very thankful for that. It has kept me busy and now I can look forward to retirement in hopefully about 5 years. I work with good people and have good benefits. My husband worked very hard his last few years to get things "set" for me. While I am by no means rich, I am comfortable and currently have no debt, I am so thankful he thought of me this way. This was I guess his last gift to me. I joined a local bereavement group sponsored by the hospice facility he was in at the end. I found great comfort with these 5 other widows, we could laugh and cry together and only they knew how I was feeling. About 9 months later I started to see a therapist one on one to deal with some unresolved anger I had after his death. Some of that anger was with my husband. Again, I found great comfort working with this therapist. He has helped me grieve and deal with my feelings. I told him some of my deepest darkest secrets and fears and cried a million tears in his office. He told me at our last visit a month or so ago that he felt I didn't need to come back, I guess I had graduated from therapy. 18 months in, I now feel I am doing pretty good. I still have moments when I break down, but I let the tears flow whenever I need to. I am lucky to have a few very good friends and a wonderful family, most of them living in the same city I live in. I have been on two vacations since he died, one with family and one on my own meeting up with my best friend in Florida. I feel comfortable doing things I want to do. The bereavement coordinator in the group I went to said the second year is about figuring out what you want to do with the rest of your life. I feel pretty in control of my life right now and I know it's with the help of many people along the way. I was open to anything that might help me feel better. I had no idea how sad I would be after he passed. It is very overwhelming. I have met many widows and like to think I have helped 2 friends who became widows in the last year and another friend whose husband is currently in treatment for a similar cancer to my husband's. I'm hoping to find others here I can relate to and share things with. Linda