Brad

So beautiful. I really must come to see it. 

My dear Janka,

Now you are introducing me to a whole new genre of music.  It is so beautiful and it's probably a good thing I don't understand a word, otherwise I would most likely be sobbing anew.

Thank you!  You are so thoughtful.

Brad

6 hours ago, japanspring70 said:

 

   I apologize for ruining the holiday spirit. It's just that I am very sad.

 

Alina

You didn't ruin mine Alina as I have not been able to see the Holidays with anything but dread.  This is my third Christmas.  Right now I'm thinking I won't go to my daughters, just stay here in the mountains and hike all day long.  It's a great way to yell at the moon. I wish I could go to sleep on October 22nd and wake up on 26 December. 

Here it's chilly and DRY!!  We've  had a week of clouds but no moisture, not even frost on the car in the morning.  Just dry.  Fire season will be a bear when the winds pick up in the Spring.  Will welcome snow from anywhere.

My dear Janka,

It is so beautiful in Slovakia; and such antiquity. I’m guessing Bratislava has many plazas. I adored the plazas everywhere I went. In the evening I would walk until I found a street musician I wanted to listen too and then I’d find the closest outdoor cafè and listen for hours while I dined. 

My first Thanksgiving I struggled/choked through dinner, immediately excused myself under the excuse of really needing a nap, and then sobbed for an hour straight. Today, two years later I have the grandkids at the park thinking the whole time how sad t is they’ll never know the best Granma Watchie ever.  But the tears flow fewer and slower. 

My confidence is severely shaken and I’m certain it’s from the grief (fear). I now second guess everything. I make plans and the closer they get the more I regret having made them in the first place. I always enjoy myself when I’m traveling, but I always come very close to canceling. I’m going through this right now with arrangements I’ve made for the weekend. I hate being at home, alone; but right now it sounds better than going hiking with a friend, spending Papa Moosie time, or going to Newsies. 

Gin,

Like you, I avoid things Deedo and I did together. My memory makers now are traveling to places we never went and doing things we never did. 

I've mentioned before; Deedo loved Christmas; we had a year round Christmas room, her favorite room in the house.  Now I just try to make it from October 23, her birthday, to January 1 as quickly and as painlessly as possible.  This year will be a challenge as the students are getting excited and it just reminds me, several times a day.  The last two years I could just put on my boots and go ambling in the woods; pretend that every day was just another day.  It's amazing how quickly my favorite time of the year reversed itself to my most dreaded time of the year.

845 days for me.  That's 845 days of not being able to accept that this is my life now.  I work hard at coping but it still seems so very surreal; so unreal.  

Janka, my dear,

That piece is beautiful. I didn’t make it thirty seconds into the number before I was down loading Rondo Veneziano into my play list. 

Your taste in music is exquisite. 

Thank you. 

My Dear Janka,

Here's a little something to help you sleep better.

I've always thought more of Deedo raising me up and helping me to be a better person.  But then I differ from most here when it comes to theology.

That’s one of the things that did surprise me...how few people, no matter how close they were with Deedo, ever reach out, or remember. 

Hugs dear Gin. These damn markers don’t get easier. 

Love, 

Brad

I would have never thought to play Adagio for Strings with a techno theme but it works.  I guess that’s why I’m a teacher and not a musician.

Here’s a Josh Groban piece for you.  It brings tears and comfort at the same time. 

Janka, my dear,

Such beautiful poetry. Your thoughts are a tribute to your love for Jan. As hard as these last six years have been, it is still wonderful knowing the depth and breadth of love you’ve had in your life. So very many people go through life without ever knowing this kind of requited love. 

Hugs and love my dear friend,

Brad

Gin, 

Hugs my dear. 

Brad

My Dear Janka,

Remembering you wonderful Jan today. Here’s a favorite of mine. 

We all know how hard these markets are. 

Hugs my dear friend,

Brad

Oh my Janka, 

You live in a beautiful country.  I definitely need more time to explore the wonders of Slovakia.  While our aspen paint the mountains gold, the reds and oranges of a deciduous forest cannot be beat this time of year.  Deedo and I had just paid off two excursions when she was diagnosed: an Alaskan cruise and a Fall Foliage Tour of New England.

Please know that we will be thinking of you this week.

Love,

Brad

A little Hoagy Carmichael number from 1952 sung by Diana Krall.  This speaks to me when I’m melancholy and lonely.

What a strange journey we are all on.  It defies logic.  The inconsistancy of it drives me nuts.  I ran into drop some things off at my classroom this morning.  Driving home, I suddenly found myself sobbing; I don't know why other than a despair of being the survivor.  Since then I've lacked motivation.  I'm writing grants, they tend to be a decent distraction, but I can't focus now.  No identifiable triggers, just a funk.  A year ago, two years ago, this was common place; since Europe it's a rarity and even then I could identify the trigger: birthdays, anniversaries, markers.  

On 11/1/2017 at 6:09 AM, Marg M said:

(And, for once in a long time, those hours are not empty).  

In rereading recent posts, Marg may have hit on it.  Possibly I've filled up those empty hours so much, between teaching, concerts, musicals, ballet, now that I have an empty weekend my mind is going back and not forward.  At least I learned that this too, like the good moments, will pass.

Cookie,

I, also, can relate.  I avoid social situations because I feel so much more alone when I'm in them.  I much prefer the company of those of us who are grieving; to them I can relate; with them I can talk; with them I feel understood and appreciated.  With others, they cannot understand and most really are not interested in trying.  For me, it is worth the four hour drives to spend time with someone who does understand.  I'd rather do that than go out with couples who don't.

Janka, My dear friend, 

You first shared the music of Ernesto Cortazar with me (as well as many more wonderful artists), so I thought I'd return the favor.  I hope you are finding some peace as you go through this month.  I know how hard it must be for you.

Love, 

Brad

Sending hugs back to you as you miss your Jan.