Brad

Janka is the love of my life. Within her I have found my soulmate. I have never been so much in love. I love you Janka

As like Steve, I realized that I was no longer BradnDeedo, just Brad. I’ve gone to extremes, I realize. I travel a lot but seldom am I revisiting old places but exploring places that have no history with my past. As a result I am reinventing myself. The other day I had a different sort of epiphany. I was walking down an alley in a village I had never heard of and I started reflecting on all of the experiences I’ve had that, had Deedo survived, I never would have experienced. In an attempt to escape my pain i returned to work as a distraction, I’ve travelled lots and lots and as a result have rediscovered love. As a result I find myself thinking far more about today and tomorrow and far less about yesterday. It simply means that as I rediscovered Brad I’ve been lucky enough to invent new passions. I’ve been fortunate enough to find a wonderful Slovakian woman, we all know, who knows my pain as I know hers and within each other we have rediscovered love and rediscovered a tomorrow. The only reason I mention this is to provide a glimpse into what has worked for me. I know how difficult this journey is and I also know how it can become all consuming. For me I really had to completely change my whole perspective of who I am.

My Janka, It is I who is thanking you. You have changed my life and given me a reason to look toward tomorrow. I love you, Brad

But am remembering our time in beautiful Bratislava.

Thank you Janka. I am missing you from Madrid.

Another Paul McCartney oratorio to enjoy.

For me, the greatest challenge has been one of reinventing Brad. For so many years I was BradnDeedo. I started fourteen months ago on an odyssey of redefining Brad. There have been things that I shelved because Deedo did not enjoy them as much as I. Classical music is a good example; it made her sad but I’ve enjoyed it since my youth. In hush school while others were listening to the Beatles or the Beach Boys, I preferred Rachmaninov. After all it was the original long hair music. It was the same with jazz. Now when I download music about 90% is either classical or jazz. Now when I travel it’s never to places I went with Deedo nor places we talked about going- I will never be able to take an Alaskan cruise for example. But as a result my travels now have opened new doors and new possibilities. I just spent a week in Bratislava and Janka has given me the ability to once more cherish today and anticipate tomorrow. I really do understand the pain people are going through. For the past thirty-five months I have been there. Finding one’s new life is next to impossible. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But there a hope. My thoughts and best wishes are for everyone here.

For Janka and all who love ballet. The opening movement of Paul McCartney’s Ballet:

I’m sitting in a Viennese café eating a cake just for you.

My dear Janka, Just changed your ringtone

Finding love in Bratislava. Janka and Brad!

My dear Janka, He is also very happy to meet you as you are one of those rare and remarkable people who brings comfort and joy to those of us in pain.

Thinking of you today. I know it’s hard.

So glad you’re okay.

Allen and Katie, Please know you are in our thoughts. I am truly saddened by this news. So much to deal with in such a short amount of time. Brad

One of my neighbors died last week from influenza. She was is good health and bam...

Dear Janka, I too feel badly that today, last night, is such a struggle. You have such strength in your beliefs and your compassion for others. I hope you find some peace soon.

Tom - My house is still Deedo's house. I'm slowly changing things, but very slowly. Our bedroom was covered with photographs of our life together; now it's the grandkids and my travels Deedo had a year-round Christmas room. That was the first to change; it was her favorite room but for me it became a powerful trigger so now it's my den. The living room and kitchen are full of her treasures from her time in Europe, before we met. Those I can't bring myself to change. I am looking for the "warmth of her presence" but after thirty months they still are triggers; just triggers that I can handle. To be honest, this always was Deedo's house, inside and out. My job was to make certain she had what she wanted to make our house her home. Slowly I am going through cupboards trying to downsize; more for the kids when I'm gone than for myself. I don't need a roaster or dinnerware for 12. I need one plate, two pans, a couple of coffee cups, etc.

I’m still trying to find my “new” life. The loneliness can be suffocating. I have two friends, both of whom I love dearly but I am not in love with either of them. I find I don’t wallow as much when I’m with them and we can open up with each other, being frank and candid about our lives. That is a rarity, too often people cannot handle reality, they want a fantasy. Sadly, these two friends are far enough away that it means getting on occasion, leaving far too much aloneliness time. As with Tom; Deedo was the reason I loved my life. I am happy staying passionately in love with her. But it would be nice to have someone to share the quiet times with. I might even find myself actually watching a movie rather than wandering aimlessly as the noise breaks the silence.

I always knew I was mortal; I simply never dreamed I would be the one remaining.

Tony, My experience with a grief group was wonderfully supportive. People were allowed to participate at which ever level they felt comfortable with. Many would come and actively participate and many would come and be content listening. I believe everyone benefitted regardless of how much they joined in. If the first group doesn't work for you, find one that does. I went to two different groups: one was run by Hospice of the Valley and it was wonderful. For me it was worth the four hour drive to go from Pinetop to Gilbert. I tried one much closer to home but felt exceptionally isolated because the focus was far more on religion and not on what I was experiencing.

It really is a constant battle; managing grief. I'll find things that seem to work but everything is temporary. Fortunately the terrible times are also temporary. For me, the more I distract myself, the greater the intervals between melt downs. Keeping in mind what works for me, works (kind of) for me. I find reflecting daily of the positives of the day is helpful, others have found it more painful. I find travels and doing things I haven't done helpful, others find those activities compound the loneliness. Deedo left a letter where she stated she wanted me to grieve for a short time (yeah right!!) and to find companionship. That makes it easier for me; but the companionship, while wonderfully distracting and allows me to wallow with someone who really does understand, also creates an acute awareness of the void that still in my heart. But again, what works for me, works for me.

Cookie, I really don't know if it's easier, I speculate that there are more widows than widowers but have nothing to support that. It also wouldn't surprise me if men were more prone to misinterpret gestures of companionship and friendship, taking them for something more. I mentioned my friend; she has problems with men in her support groups; she is still married although her husband has been nonresponsive for the most part for over two years; all the same she is married and some men struggle with that.

I am not dating but I do enjoy going to musicals, ballets, symphonies, dinner, hikes, with ladies I know who are also grieving. To those outside looking in it looks like dates except for both of us it is simple companionship. I can only put up with myself for so long. When I travel on tours, I'll purchase two tickets to every concert I attend and always have found a taker for the second ticket. For me it is so nice to have an evening or a day of conversation and human contact. I have a friend who enjoys joining me. She is still married. Her husband has advanced Lewy Body's disease. It is not romance, it is simple friendship and we are able to commiserate and share with each other. I haven't found that in those who don't understand. They are the ones who want to fix that which is unfixable.

Gwen- Some days it is all any of us have. That's why we are all here. Hugs my friend. Brad