Numb and Lost

That is a good answer. I am still crying every single day. 

I don't know I just feel like there isn't anything they could say that would help my pain. At first I thought if I could talk to someone that loved him too that would help. I still think it might give me a little comfort but I don't think it would help, because the fact is nothing anyone can do or say will change the situation. My friend thought if she told me very matter of fact "he is dead and you will never get to hear or say what you needed to" that would help. Well guess what shockingly that didn't help either. I will NEVER stop thinking about or missing him, but that seems to be what people expect. Like everything should just be fine after 5 months, like I never met him and he never existed in my life.

I have thought about doing the Al-anon before. Thank you all. I may check into it, maybe I can at least meet some people suffering in the same way too. As far as the grieving I tried two different individual counselors, one was specialized in grief and the other was just a general counselor I guess, but I guess I just didn't feel like it helped. I guess I don't feel like anything could help unless it could bring him back. It hit me the other day the fact that I didn't go to his funeral and it thought how could I not have went and honored and said goodbye to the one person that meant so much to me? I know why I didn't, and couldn't go but it's like it just hit me and tore me to pieces. In my wildest dreams I can't imagine anyone making me feel what he made me feel just by looking at me. I have friends that truly don't even understand because they have obviously never felt it. My level of thinking about seeing him again in heaven might be unhealthy but that's all I think about. When other people have died I have accepted it and thought of them as gone. I cannot and will not allow myself to think of him that way. This morning so many little things brought back memories and I just cant believe I have to live my life never seeing him again, all the while dealing with this psycho on top of it. I'm not sure most of that even made any sense I'm just typing away and my tears are making my eyes blurry. 

It's going on five months now and I think I'm getting worse. I think this week might have been the worst. I feel absolutely hopeless in every way. I feel like I just want it to be over. My eyes are so tired from crying and my soul is exhausted. It just hurts more than I can bear. Along with my grief I am completely stuck in a helpless situation with an addict. There is nothing I can do. People think there is but there just isn't. I feel so numb as if this much pain can't really be reality. I feel like life is a test and I must have failed. There is one person that I want to call and he's gone and I can't talk to him ever again and I don't know how to comprehend it. I've tried for months and I just can't. Every day I just wake up in the same pain from the day before. I don't understand why some of us have to hurt so much. All this and I know some people still have it worse so I try to count the blessings I know I still have but the pain is so great. It just seems like it's getting so much worse. 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry people make light of it and even joke about his death, that's horrible!  They wouldn't be joking if they were going through it.

Right! I don't understand it at all. It's almost like they are trying to just make light of a bad situation but this isn't like a lost job or wrecked car! 

On 5/4/2017 at 3:02 PM, Chellaboosmom said:

True theres a solace in the car... I am always crying in the bathrooms too.. even at work .. nothing is going to bring him back

hurting like hell.. working like a zombie 

 

I arill cry so so much. I start crying right in the middle of random activities. I just put my sunglasses on and try to hide it. My eyes are watered up right now. It's just all the time. I know there isn't any point in the what ifs but I can't stop myself from it. I also just imagine what it would be like if he were still here. Because of the nature in how I knew him all I have is this forum and a few close friends that know. They say things that really baffle me sometimes, have even made little jokes concerning his death. Death isn't a situation to make light of. It's going on 5 months now and I just still feel so hopeless. It still doesn't feel like it can be real. I don't feel like I'll ever be ok.

15 hours ago, kayc said:

Numb and Lost,

Yours died Christmas, mine Father's Day.  Maybe if we try to think of it in another way...that was the day they entered their eternal bliss, so for them it couldn't be anything but a wonderful day!  They no longer experience pain and suffering and struggles and worry.  They are all the more aware we will be coming to join them and time exists no more for them so they aren't anxiously awaiting as we are.  Things are different from their side than they are from ours.  So maybe if we try to celebrate their death day not as the day being taken from us, but as the day they entered their reward!  Just a thought...

Very lovely thought. I thought of that back when it happened. I keep having these thoughts of feeling so sorry for him. Sorry he is missing out on his life. I remember feeling sorry he was missing Christmas then I thought oh wait he isn't missing it he's experiencing it far greater than I am. I keep trying to tell myself he isn't gone but just moved. The hardest part in looking forward to a reunion is not having any idea what that might be like or feel like. I still think about him and wonder what he is doing just like I did when he was alive but I can't really imagine it. 

14 hours ago, Chellaboosmom said:

But can't handle it when someone asks me if you have kids..

i say I had one and then cry.. I am not ready to accept that I'm childless 

after 29 years 

I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child, no matter what age. My heart goes out to you. 

17 hours ago, Chellaboosmom said:

It is reality.. I go through the day working evenings are harder because that's the time he died.. Easter was a very difficult day for me.. I dread going to the shops because of Mother s day ads..

I am no longer anyone's mom...don't think I will ever see light at end of this long dark tunnel of life

You will always be his mom, always. I think they still remember us from heaven and hopefully still feel our love for them. I'd like to think maybe the connection is only grieved from our side, that maybe the way they understand and feel love is even stronger from heaven. 

There are days that I dread. I dread his birthday because I will see all the posts on Facebook that I can't even be a part of. Most of all I dread Christmas because that is when he died. This between him and I began at Christmas also. I have always absolutely loved Christmas, everything about it. Now I feel it will just bring back all the painful memories. 

I feel like I'm just existing too. I feel like I am just waiting on every day to end so I can make it to the next and then the next and so on until there aren't anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am blessed with my wonderful children. I just feel so broken that it emotionally and sometimes physically hurts to live. I am in so my pain all of the time and I feel like nobody understands. I'm just living in agony. 

Every now and then I feel a wave of peace come over me but even with it there is a sadness. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not shocked that this is reality. I still just can't believe it. I have horrible periods of broken down crying that last an hour or more sometimes. I hope can find my hope, but I am forever a different person. I will never be who I was before.

Mine isn't getting better. Sometimes I think it is a little but then it gets even worse. It has been four months now, and I still I cry all throughout the day. I feel hopeless. I don't feel like I can look forward to anything because my pain overshadows everything. I will be just going about my day when all of a sudden I see his smiling face in my mind and hear his voice and recall everything he ever said all at once and I feel I just don't want to go on. Death is the one thing in life there is no hope for. No hope to see them again until we too die. No hope for relief because the only relief would be if they were here with us again. I feel like each day hurts more than the previous at times just because he seems further away with each passing day. I look forward to when it's time to sleep each night because that's the only time the pain really subsides. I wonder if I will live every day just to make it to the next for the following 50 years. I am truly blessed and I love my children. They bring me immense joy. But as I said before any joy has the overshadowing cloud of pain. I know I could ever feel what he made me feel again. Ever. Obviously I won't ever be looking for it either since I'm married. So it's as if I just have to accept one of the things I wanted most in life (which is how he made me feel) just wasn't meant for me. So I feel like maybe true happiness wasn't meant for me. I don't know how I will make it when my babies (who aren't babies anymore but I still call them my babies, one is 15) grow up and leave me. My heart is in so much pain each and every minute of each and every day. 

It's been about 3 and a half months and it still hurts just as much. I don't find joy in doing anything and I still cry every single day. Someone told me I shouldn't look at his pictures that it doesn't help. I asked her "well what else can I do? I miss him and that is all I have left." I look at his picture and I still just can't believe its true. 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

Shari,

If people knew how much I talk to George, they'd probably send somebody to haul me off!   I can't imagine not talking to him.  Just because his physical body is gone doesn't mean his spirit is.

I have been writing text messages.  I just delete them when I'm done of course. But I think it would be neat one day if I get to heaven and he says he got to read every single one. You just never know. 

18 minutes ago, gdragon33 said:

thats really cool  my anniversary september 26th 

 

Wow that is cool

This is about the constellation, you might find interesting.

http://www.unsealed.org/2017/01/the-revelation-12-sign-compendium.html?m=1

It's crazy how the entire world seems so different. Everything looks and sounds different. It was so ironic Marty posted that song that said "now I see clouds from both sides" because I just look up at them all the time now and think about him, being on the other side of them. I imagine the day we are caught up in the clouds. 

3 hours ago, gdragon33 said:

yes a lot of prayer and studying the bible too just starting going through it from beginning reading 5 or so chapters every day 

(Christian point of view following)

I am doing that as well. Just reading straight through as well as reading different studies and devotions. It's the only thing that brings me any peace. I am studying end time prophecy also as I am quite ready for the rapture to take place. I think that's another thing that gives me hope is that we may join loved ones in heaven soon. So much prophecy has been filled. I am very interested in the great sign from revelation 12 that will be in the sky on Sept 23. 

It does seem so impossible. I feel like I just can't do it, can't go on, but of course I have no choice. I understand why you avoid church. Sometimes the sermon touches my heart but it makes me sad and it makes me cry at the same time. In fact tonight at church my eyes were watery the entire time. I was telling myself "don't cry don't cry don't cry." No your friend couldn't possibly understand how you feel. I can't believe people that even suggest they understand when they haven't been through this. I think taking it an hour at a time is even more appropriate than a day at a time. It's funny how I feel ok for a min when I'm working or washing clothes and then it hits me he's gone and I won't see or talk to him again. I don't think there is anything more painful in life than death. I think I would rather be physically hurting or dying myself than experiencing this emotional pain. 

Sometimes I have moments when I feel kind of normal, and ok. But I think it's because in those moments I forget that he is gone forever from this life. When I'm working my mind gets temporarily focused on that but then when I get in my car I immediately remember the times I called him when getting in my car between traveling for work. The last day I ever spoke to him was a rainy Tuesday just like we had yesterday here. The last time he ever text me was a rainy Wed like today. Yesterday when I was in my car I wasn't parked in the same spot that I last talked to him on that rainy Tuesday. Those are the moments that I feel I will never be ok or happy again.  

I am so tired of hearing how I will be a stronger and better person having gone through this. I don't care anything about being stronger. I should be a bullet proof indestructable tank given what I had already been through. I know my friends mean well but I don't even want to talk to them anymore because everything they say infuriates me in some way, sometimes maybe even when it shouldn't. No one can possibly fathom this agony if they haven't experienced it themselves. I realize I am not a voice of encouragement on this forum and I apologize for that. I just feel so utterly hopeless. I can't drive in my car by myself without crying. I can't listen to music hardly. Sometimes I have a normal appetite but then I get sick afterwards. I turn the radio on and then back off pretty quickly. I can't stand most songs. I just can't believe something I feared so much and then dreamed about really happened. It isn't normal to have a fear that a 34 year old will die for no reason, however I did have that fear and my fear became my reality. I thought I was finished with my "anger" stage of grief but evidently not because I am livid today. I'm not angry at God I'm just angry. Im angry and drowning in tears even as I type. I feel like I just can't take it and I can't accept this and go on to leave any normal semblance of a life. I may go through the motions and look normal on the outside but not inside. I know I have to as I don't have a choice but I don't know how. I don't want to "find the positive in every day" as people suggest. I don't find anything positive right now. I also know from experience life can ALWAYS get worse so I shouldn't feel like nothing is positive but I can't help it right now. My biggest struggle is accepting he is gone. I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure what. I think I've probably said this already as apparently I'm turning into a repetitive forgetful parrot but I always felt like there was more to come concerning him and me even during times we weren't seeing each other.  I was always right. I still feel that way. I feel it so strongly. I just feel like something is going to happen and I'm waiting on whatever that is. I hope the reason I feel that way is because I really will see him again in heaven. My friends that know don't want to hear it anymore so I pretty much have nowhere to go but here. They think I should be "better" by now. I used to look for him when I was on the road now I just look at the clouds. I do not know how to "let go." I just don't want to.  It just doesn't seem real. I'm really repeating myself now.  I'm making myself sick, in the middle of a breakdown on here typing at the same time with teardrops all over my phone screen. 

I have been the same way with the anxiety. My loss was the same time as yours in Dec. I start thinking about stuff and get hot and dizzy, feel like I'm suffocating. Like I just can't go on. I have taken an antidepressant for years also, but now I have to take xanax too occasionally. I think it's very normal under our circumstances. I wouldn't worry about getting addicted unless you have an addictive type personality. Some people like the feeling. I find it just makes me sleepy unless I am taking it during the anxiety at which point it just helps me feel not sleepy but a little more normal. You aren't selfish at all for feeling the way you do. I come here and rant and rave all the time and it's one of the only places I can. 

I hope so. I still have a big part of me that just doesn't want to accept it. I'm not delusional or anything I know it's true, but I just don't know how to let go. It doesn't seem real. 

Im 33 and I have had occasional anxiety attacks but nothing like I have had since his death. I start thinking about the details of his crash and everything involved around my entire time of knowing and loving him and I just start to feel like I'm going to pass out. I get dizzy and hot and I feel like I'm suffocating. I started taking .5 xanax it's the only thing that helps. It's been two months since he died. The attacks are getting a little less frequent but the depression isn't lightening up at all. 

My loss was around Christmas too. I wish I could feel as positive as you. You seem to be on the right road towards healing. 

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Kay,

I believe Gwen was referring to the comment that Kevin directed at me regarding age 70 being too young to be in a reclusive, depressive "rut". I did feel a bit slighted concerning my feelings, but I will get over it. I did not choose this "rut" for myself. Circumstances have handed it to me on a silver platter. I am glad some are able to navigate their way through devastation and grief with more ease than others.

Gwen, silly question here. Have you been tested for fungal pneumonia or aspergillus? It may be common in a moist environment such as yours.

I'm in a rut at 33. I can't imagine living to even 70 or even 50,60 in this terrible state that I'm in. It is down right frightening to me. I know that is a terrible way to feel and a horrible thing to say. Every day I can't wait until night time when I just close my eyes and pretend none of this is real.