Numb and Lost

3 hours ago, kayc said:

WARNING - CHRISTIAN BELIEF FOLLOWS:

Numb and Lost,

Reading this makes me realize you're losing sight of who God is and why He says what He does to us.  He didn't make "rules" to be a stickler or hammer us when we break them.  He told us how to live because He cares about us and wants us to avoid the kind of pain you're going through right now.  He doesn't inflict the pain on us because we deserve it, but rather He knows what thus and such action can bring on in natural consequence and wants to avoid us having to go through it.  That you did what you did is done, He doesn't wish further pain on you!  He cares about you and wants to go through this with you, you are not on your own in this.  Turn to the God of all comfort in your sorrow, He understands.

All of us who grieve endure pain, not because of anything we've done wrong, but it's just part of the price of having loved someone as deeply as we do...and our bodies do give out and people die, none of us are immune to that.  But you're inflicting additional pain on yourself by second guessing how he felt and your actions.  Let go of the second guessing and accept what is, and what was.  He hasn't changed how he felt from one day to the next, neither have you.  The guilt is gone, the sin is gone, all that remains is pure love...hang on to that.

(((hugs)))

Thank you <3 

that made me cry. A good kind of cry.

5 hours ago, Finch said:

I get it. I get the not being able to share the grief of the loved ones. And like feeling like you are a ghost. You don't exist to them. 

And the stolen future and unanswered questions.

You have the connection you shared. That can't ever be taken away. It's intangible but it's real. It wasn't perfect, but it was real. We humans are not perfect, we make mistakes. If we could do things again we might do them differently. Everyone here. Look into your heart for what is real.

Nothing can take what we had away. 

I wish Crystal's children knew her for longer. 6 and 10. It's just not right. 

I have no pictures with Crystal so I can relate to that. I have objects and letters and things. But we never touched, physically. But the connection we had otherwise had no equal.

It's just so unfair. I just still can't past the feeling of disbelief. It doesn't feel like he can really be gone. Just like that. 

8 hours ago, MartyT said:

 

I do look at clouds from both sides now. I find myself looking up at them all the time. 

Thank you Marie Lee. It's pretty much my only outlet. The rest of the day I walk around my house attempting to put on a facade as if my world hasn't fallen apart. 

I have been reading through some posts and it's simple little things that hurt the most sometimes.  I see some of your profile pictures and wish I could have one of him as well, but I must remain anonymous like a nobody. I see all the memories, messages, and nice things said about him on his Facebook wall and I wish I could share my memories and feelings as well. I feel like I am no one and every day that he is gone I feel more that way. I feel like I imagined it all and I question whether or not I was important to him at all, because every day he is gone he feels further away. I have no connection to him now that he is gone. Him dying without my resolving questions about how he felt and how I feel was one of my worst fears. I can't believe something I actually thought about and feared so much came true. I dreamed it, and I feel like maybe that was a warning I ignored. I dreamed someone posted a status that he died stating "RIP brother you will be missed" and I read that exact status a few months later in real life. Why?? And why didn't I take heed to that warning and say what I needed to say. It all makes it so much worse. I don't only struggle with his death I struggle with the guilt that I loved him at all. I feel like I deserve the pain and suffering for knowingly falling in love with a married man while I am married myself. I was just so drawn to him in a way I could never find words to describe. I feel like the pain isn't mine and I don't deserve comfort. I prayed the night before he died about the feelings I had. I knew it wasn't right and I just asked God for help because I couldn't stop loving him. I prayed that maybe I met him for a reason and even if I didn't know now one day it would all make sense, as if maybe we could be together one day in the future and it be right somehow. He died the next morning. I feel like God just took him away and it's all my fault. Like maybe my dream was a warning and if I had left him alone he would still be here. I am hurting so much and I don't know how to go on and live a normal life. I feel like if I was his widow I would cling to his memory until my death and stay married in my heart forever. But I have none of those rights. I know there was a connection there I can't describe. I know when I looked at him he looked at me the same way. Now I have to go the rest of my life with these painful unanswered questions, having not said what I needed to, and this guilt. My dream of "someday" is gone. It hurts so much to mourn someone that wasn't mine and never had a chance to be. I have no pictures of us together, none of his belongings, nothing. I only have screenshots of a text, and his pictures on Facebook. I will never ever ever be the same. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again, and I know I will never feel that again. I'm sitting on the couch now typing this, while remembering the last time I saw his face which was on a FaceTime call while I was sitting in this same spot. I can't believe I will never see that smile again. I just don't want to accept it and I don't know how. I don't accept it. I hope to see that smile again when I die. I hope God allows me to know him in heaven in a pure way despite how I knew him here. I wish I knew how to go on and live a happy life but I don't. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I have felt like that since he died, but I don't know what. I always felt like I met him for a reason and there was something there I wouldn't understand until later. I just felt like somehow someway at some point in life we were meant to be together. When I met him 12 years ago he ended up moving and although I think I knew I loved him then there was no affair at that time. I was married and he wasn't at that time. He tried but I resisted. But I had a feeling something was to come of it. I just knew it. I ended up running into him a few years later and I remember thinking "and here it is." I still resisted but I ran into him EVERYWHERE after that and it was inevitable. It's just so strange because I still have that feeling that "it isn't over" and yet it has to be. I'm just dying inside. I think what if I had not resisted at first. Would things be different? Would he still be here? Pointless questions I know. I had every reason to leave my husband then. I loved him once but he has let me down so many times I've lost so much love for him and I don't even know if I even want to gain it back for fear he will let me down again. I've been through unspeakable things. That's why I don't understand why I had to meet him and lose him. I had been through enough as it was. Why is life so unfair to some of us? I think why did he have to die at 34 why couldn't he at least lived until 44, long enough for his kids to remember him. I know I'm rattling on and on. I am just in so so so much pain. 

I also look at people and feel resentment they are still here too. I feel guilty for doing that but I can't help it. Today when I saw on my newsfeed that Bill Paxton died I thought well at least lucky for him he lived past 34. He didn't even get to make it to his 35th Bday. His children won't remember him they are so young. I wish I knew how to go on with my life. I don't feel like any of it is real. 

I am like you I ask futile questions, and I haven't stopped since he died. In my head I know we all experience death and no one gets out alive but in my heart I just want to know why this happened to me as if I am a lonely victim. I ask why I had to meet him at all. My life had plenty of trials as it was much less meeting and falling in love with him and then losing him to death. I feel trapped too. I feel like I get up every day just trying to make it to the next somehow, but I am absolutely miserable. I feel guilty for feeling miserable because I do have blessings, but yet I don't want to do anything but lay around. I mostly look on my phone at Facebook. I search all the pictures he liked, and commented on. You can search "photos liked by" and they all pop up. It lets me see what he was looking at days before he died and makes him feel alive to me again. It just feels so strange for someone that is 34 to be here one day with hopes and dreams and the next day he is gone never to be seen again. I feel like the world looks different and I don't know my place or purpose anymore, like my entire life and being is just confused now. I don't understand why I had to love someone that I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Reading your post reminded me I'm not the only "victim" who has ever been through this, and I'm not the only person in the world hurting in this way. I certainly feel alone. I just feel like no one around me understands. 

12 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Numb And Lost,

I can definitely empathize with some of what you are feeling.  The torment is enormous.  At 13 months I don't think my grief has peaked.  There are days where I can manage with only slight outbursts but other times it's like it just happened and everything is so raw.

I don't know how it feels to be in your place where you feel so alone in your grief because he wasn't your husband.  I would not think it could be easy.  I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly and have no one to comfort you.  All I can say is please don't give up.  If you want to send me a personal message I would be happy to correspond with you.

?

Thank you. I'm just so confused and lost. Every day is such a challenge.

I read somewhere that the peak of grief on average for most is around 3 months. I'm at 2 now and some days I feel like it is just hitting me that I truly won't see him again in this life. I was walking around in the grocery store today and it hit me I won't ever have that burning feeling of excitement and happiness again when I see his text message on my phone, and I just cried standing in the store. I feel like I don't have anything to really look forward to but dying. I feel like when my children grow up and leave me there will be nothing left to live for. I am just so broken and I feel so alone and no one around me understands. Not even the people who know. People compare it to when they lost their aunt or grandmother and it isn't the same at all. I loved him so much. He was everything I could want and he was never "mine" and people just don't understand how that makes me feel even worse. I feel like the world doesn't look right. I was driving in town where I've lived for 33 years tonight and nothing looked right. I don't even feel like I belong here or anywhere. With no connection to him, and having nothing of his it starts to feel like none of it was real and I'm just dillusional. 

"Tears in Heaven" came on the other day when I was at the gym and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. 

3 hours ago, martha jane said:

I didn't post the entry above with the poem. I would have been comforted to hear it and feel it was a message to me. I have had songs play that  I thought was for me. I makes me feel closer to the person and it is usually an old song that you wouldn't normally hear on the radio today.  Will the person who wrote that entry please take credit for it.I would love to know who had that experience.

It was me that heard the song. I was trying to quote you in response to some of the things you saw like the rock, but I messed it up somehow. I had never heard the song before that time. I can't believe that was a coincidence that I had just said that prayer then felt I needed to turn on the radio and heard it. I hadn't been listening to the radio at all because most of the time it gets me upset. God answered both my questions by letting me know he was there with him and I would see him again. There is also a line in the song "all the time it takes to figure it out" which is crazy because I have said from the beginning it's like I keep trying to "figure it out." I still have the feeling of trying to figure it out though unfortunately. 

5 hours ago, martha jane said:

 

I have shared this on other posts but I was crying in my car one day just in absolute despair, and I prayed so earnestly that if God could just let me know somehow he was ok and in heaven with him, and that I could see him and know him again one day I could go on. I had been keeping the radio off but I was prompted to turn it on right after that. I turned it on to these lyrics from the song "Streets of Gold" It literally answered both of my questions.

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I think it's helped me to understand that he ISN'T "gone", he's in another place and we'll be together again.  I honestly don't know how people handle it when they think you just end and that's it.  This is the only thing I've found on the subject:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ali-a-rizvi/atheists-death_b_4134439.html

 Still not sure I get it.

That's what I keep telling myself too. I don't know how they handle it either that's the only thing that gets me through. 

KayC Im sorry that you went through the bad ones to find the perfect one, and then lost him

I feel like he isn't gone, like he can't be. My mind just keeps on and on trying to figure it out even though there isn't anything to figure out. I just can't accept him not being here, my mind isn't understanding it today. It doesn't make sense.

My grandparents and aunts/uncles that have passed lived to be 80-90. My parents were the youngest of their families. I've had quite a few relatives pass on all in that range. That's a long time from 33I am trying to do as KayC said and not think so much about the future. It makes it even more overwhelming when I do. I am still struggling with acceptance terribly in a way I can't find words to describe. I just don't feel like he can really be gone. 

15 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Numb and lost:  It's been 21 months for me and at times I think I am forgetting him, but what I realize is that I'm (probably subconsciously) pushing the memories away because they can hurt so bad still.  But, I can remember him, all those details, smells, sounds, etc.  It's just that I haven't gotten to the point where I can dwell there too long, as it's painful.  I know, everyone says it's supposed to bring you peace and happiness that we had that.....not yet, not the good feelings yet, I think because I still miss him so, so much and am not at peace with not having him here.  I crave his touch, hearing his voice, feeling his arms around me, that pat on the head....Hopefully that will come in time....I can only hope. 

I can't think about him without feeling immense pain. I never got to say things I desperately needed to say, or ask him and all that unresolve makes it so much worse for me. I hadn't seen him in a long time and I couldn't wait to see him like we were planning. Sometimes when I kind of feel okay it's only cause I momentarily forget I won't get to hug him ever again or see his smile, not until I die anyway. 

28 minutes ago, kayc said:

Marg and Mitch, you spoke it so well.  

Numb and Lost, you're doing this all on your own, so I hope you'll at least see a doctor about your panic attacks and get help with them.

I am. I'm actually on a few different medications for the anxiety and depression and I feel no shame lol. The meds help but every day is still such a struggle. Just a struggle to make it one day to the next. 

Speaking of imperfect.....well we all know that have read my story imperfect certainly applies to me! My guilt of the affair has made me have feelings of guilt for his death. My feelings are terribly confused. I try to figure out why I fell so hard and loved soemone so much whom I wasn't supposed to. I have had some moments of peace here and there lately, but I also have panic attacks that strike suddenly that make me not want to leave my bed sometimes. Sometimes I will just be working and out of nowhere I think of every conversation we ever had and it breaks me down and I try to start figuring it out all over again. 

3 hours ago, kevin said:

My belief is we will be one big family without complications......and on a much higher plane of understanding...Gin, it will be good...

I feel like that too. Anything imperfect in relationships will be removed. I know we won't really understand until then how it will all work. I just know I have so much pain and confusion here in my earthly mind that I long for heaven. 

7 hours ago, Gin said:

Al and I were both widowed when we met.  My big issue is....will I be with him or his first wife?  

I know it says in the Bible there will be no marriage in heaven but I don't think that means people won't know and love each other. I see how it would kind of have to be that way, just for that reason for people who equally loved two spouses that passed. But I believe we can't know or understand everything. If God felt relationships were important on earth I believe they will still have importance in heaven. Even if we aren't married in heaven I think we will have connections. Maybe they will be stronger and with even deeper understanding. I don't think he will leave us lacking for anything. Of course like I said before though right now my earthly mind is confused and just hurts. 

38 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Well Numb, I have not read all of these, I know you are hurting as we all are hurting.  And, I know this does not make a bit of sense, but three of Billy's old girlfriends have passed on and I guess they are where ever he is.  I have to believe what the Bible says.  But right now, this old widow that was never really jealous of her husband, is totally, unrealistically, insanely, stupidly jealous because they are with him and I'm not.  If that is the way things work.  And, I don't guess I really have to make sense of things, I never have before.

I can understand that. I would be jealous too. I even thought that, that if his wife dies before me I would be envious. It's funny that the fact that "we are not married nor given in marriage" in heaven kind of bothers me because we weren't married anyway. I believe we will have special relationships though. Even though I know we will lack nothing and everything will be perfect there I still have my human earthly mind here and I worry so much about how we will know each other. I'm pretty sure I've said it before so forgive me I repeat myself a lot these days, but I wonder if the min he died he just saw me as sin. I have prayed that while I know the affair was wrong that there is some reason I love him so much. Ive prayed that at least some part of that friendship or love will remain and be pure one day. That is literally all that keeps me going is thinking about him in heaven. I have had such a bad two days. This morning I woke up in a panic. I just had all our conversations in my mind at once and all my shattered hopes. I remembered when I used to wake up and see if anything new was on his Facebook. When I feel that panic I don't feel like I can make it which is such a terrible feeling because there isn't anything I can do about it, well besides take a xanax which helped a little.

9 hours ago, kayc said:

In that moment of contentment, that is the "little joy" I have come to recognize...embrace it, acknowledge it, count that blessing!  It will help you continually look for other "small joys".  The melancholy cloud you speak of is what I call "coexisting with my grief"...it is ever present, but it does not detract from the other joys in your life, it need not!  I have also learned to embrace that as being part of who I am now, my grief doesn't leave, but rather I have learned to live with it.  It does not dictate the whole of my life though, it does not get to proclaim what joy I have or do not have, I do!  Learning and practicing all of this is not simple or instantaneous, it takes time and effort!  It starts with today and living in the present moment.  

Yesterday I cleaned and organized some things. I played with my son outside. Today I couldn't get out of bed at all really. I try to do things that I liked before, hobbies etc but I don't feel like I like them anymore. I play the piano but now if I sit and play it I just end up composing a song so depressing and melancholy it makes me more depressed. I feel like I'm just waiting but I don't know what for. 

1 hour ago, DaveM said:

In some ways our situations are similar. I was just the boyfriend. Because she moved from the Northeast down to Texas after her divorce, she was not seeing her sons but just around the holidays. For health and financial reasons she could not make the trip north this year. She had told both sons and her ex about me, but of course, not much detail so far. We had only been back together (at a distance) for 6 months. As just a boyfriend (being 66, I am not happy with that term), I had no rights to decisions about her wishes, even though she had expressed exactly what she wanted in the event of her death. I have no standing socially or legally, although the police investigator did talk to me to a degree. This was because ours was the last phone call on her cell. And it lasted 2 and a half hours, so the policeman was willing to answer some questions.

Still, I just feel like collateral damage. They had not scheduled a memorial service previously, but do have one scheduled next Sunday. I will be flying up there for it, but will know nobody there. Her one recent friend that I have met will not be able to make it. So I will be standing back, observing but getting no comfort.

I really feel for your pain, Dear (hope you don't mind, Numb is so impersonal). We all are mourning alone, when you get right down to it. I don't think your memories will go away. I remember things about Dana from 33 and 34 years ago, when I first knew her.

I don't know if any of his friends know about me. I'm sure he probably talked about me to someone but I don't know who and if he did I doubt he used names as he was married too. You are right haha numb and lost is kind of impersonal I needed to be discreet and it was the first desperate words that came to mind when I signed up.  Now I could just name myself "depressed and in denial." It's hard to describe but you may understand the feeling- I know it's real but its like every day I think something can happen to make it better or change my circumstances. I don't even know how to explain the feeling. Those words don't really accurately describe it. Like maybe I think I might find out I'm dying and so I will be okay.  My mind is expecting something. Like I still have this false hope although there is none. I guess that goes back to my dreaming that I will call him in a few months and it will all be fine. Also I constantly try to work it out in my head, how he was here and I talked to him and now he is gone. It just does not seem like it can truly be real that he is gone forever.  I haven't gotten out of bed today at all. It was such a pretty day but I just didn't care. I wish I could make myself care. I keep worrying about being here sad for 50 years when of course I don't know I could die tomorrow. But I just have this feeling, and this vision of me being here at 83 with this sad distant memory and pain.  So sorry for your loss as well. I hope the memorial service helps with your grieving process. I know it does for some I guess. I don't think my emotions could have handled it even if I had been able to go. One of my friends said I shouldn't "memorialize him" as the affair was wrong.  Coming to this forum has been one of my only outlets. 

I just get scared it will fade because I didn't see him as much and it had been a long time since I had seen even at the time he passed. If my husband died I wouldn't forget anything because I see him so much and he is so familiar. That is the biggest pain in all this for me is that we were planning to see other within days and had talked so much about it. I had thought a lot about it and loooked so forward to it. We wanted it to be when we had time to spend and the last day I ever heard his voice was when he asked me to see him but we didn't have time. He said well it's ok we will just see each other tomorrow. The next day wasn't good either though and then of course he was gone. Not having that day makes it hurt so much more. 

4 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Numb and Lost, I felt much the same way as did many of us in the beginning. My wife's death was such a shock to my life.  Every time I would thing of living 1 day, week, month, year or longer without my beloved wife, Rose Anne, would put me in such a tailspin.  So I decided to not project ahead and just deal with now.  The grief pain sucks.  I learned from here the best way to deal with it is to express it , feel it. It didn't make logical sense but I just started using the tools that are provided here.

I also started reading other people stories  and saw what they went through ... this same deep level of pain and grief.  The outside world does not understand this type of grief, because they just have not experienced it.  So their suggestions are based on what they think they would do.  But it would not be what they actually do because they have no knowledge of this type of grief. 

People told me here that the grief will be less intense over time.  There is no timetable with grief.  Your loss is real and it is okay to ask questions, be angry, cry, sleep,  etc...  My hugs and prayers are with you that you will discover your path through this grief and loss.  We understand it and live within it each moment of the day.  Find what tools will work for you.  MartyT has some great resources and many friends here to listen, share , and care.  You are not alone .  Shalom, George 

Yeah I find it makes it harder when I think ahead but it's hard not to. I have this fear the rest of my life will be spent in sadness. Even in moments of contentment like when I'm playing with my son I have this melancholy cloud over me that prevents me from being happy. Every day I feel like if I can just make it to tomorrow and I guess that's how I need to look at it, one day at a time. I honestly I'm praying for a rapture soon. I beg Jesus to go ahead and come get us. I felt really guilty about it all and I had been praying about it. Sometimes I think God took him because I didn't have the strength to stop loving him. But I pray I can still know him in a pure way in heaven. I think he struggled with that guilt too.