Numb and Lost

I did have something happen that made me sad at first but then I guess it kind of comforted me after I read that article. Something appeared in my house a few days after he died with the logo on it of the place we used to meet at (where he worked) I asked my husband where it came from and he said some guy down the st just gave it to him. 

I found this article very helpful for me. I am a Christian and as tempting as a medium is I know the Bible absolutely forbids it. Yes it says do not commit adultery too and if I hadn't I wouldn't be in this pain. It says sometimes what the medium brings up is actually a counterfeit of the deceased. I know not everyone believes the same and I wouldn't ever try to force beliefs on anyone. But this brought me comfort and I just wanted to share it in case it could comfort anyone else that may share my beliefs

http://cuyahogavalleychurch.blogspot.com/2011/04/can-we-communicate-with-our-loved-ones.html?m=1

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I am sorry for your loss and wish that you had all your questions answered.  I wish that for everyone who has lost someone they love.  

The complications of a secret relationship make it difficult to grieve openly and freely as you try to protect either yourself and your family, or his family.  I don't know how I would feel in your situation or in his sister's situation but as a wife I know I would be so hurt to know my husband betrayed what was sacred to me.  I would also be fearful of how my children would react to finding out that their Dad wasn't really the perfect man they thought he was.  I think the risk of confiding in his sister may be more destructive than you imagine.

This is not to say that you don't have a reason or right to grieve his loss.  You certainly do have that right, and you have the right to get help.  A qualified grief therapist would be able to help you work through some of your grief and would be a safe place for you.  I don't believe for one minute that your grief is any less than mine is.  The pain is indescribable I know and the questions and the wondering about the future eat at you relentlessly.  That's why you need to get professional help.  You need it for your family too.  They may understand some of your grief but they won't understand the depth of it.

All of the if onlys and woulda, coulda, shouldas in the world won't change your situation; I am sorry this has happened to you.  This forum is filled with great people who are not here to judge anyone.  We all just want to learn how to live with our grief and try to help others who are grieving also.  It is safer to talk here than to tell any friends.  The people who don't understand that you are grieving don't need to know the details of the relationship you had and if they are thinking you should be over it then they aren't really a true friend to you.  I wish you the best.

I certainly wish I hadn't told some of the friends that I did tell. I think when someone first knows about it they are open to listening. After they have known for maybe two weeks they think I should be ok and they are tired of listening. So I think what happens is when I find someone that is even interested in listening or seems to care if even just for a moment I start crying and end up talking. It really is a dangerous thing for me to do to put my family at risk like that. I just get desperate. I don't think I've told anyone that would betray my trust but obviously the more people that know the greater the risk. I guess I just like to talk about him because it keeps him alive to me. 

32 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I know you miss him, but when husbands, wives, and kids are involved, it becomes very sticky.  Even brothers, sisters and friends.  It is best when they are gone and cannot defend themselves to not tarnish their memory.  You have your own family to protect too.  It bothered my grown kids to find out their mother was not on the up and up.  I think I come from a different generation than you, but I wish I had not sullied my image with people I love.  And Finch's friend and yours also have to be considered.  They cannot defend themselves.  

I come from a very strict upright Baptist family. I would have never imagined in a million years that I would tell my parents about any of this, but when it happened I was desperate and I needed help with the kids for a day or so. I still can't believe I told them. 

Thank you for sharing your story Marg. I would never dream of telling his wife at all. The only family of his I wanted to tell is his sister. Just by what he has said and my own surveilance of her Facebook I think she is someone that wouldnt mind, and would keep it just to herself. I don't think she is super close to his wife. But again I don't know anything for sure so I haven't done that. I'm sure some of his friends might have known just like a few of mine did, but I have know way of knowing who. I pray all the time maybe one of them did and that person might reach out to me and give me some sort of resolve I'm yearning for. 

I wish I knew what was better for me. I don't know if I need to look at his pictures and try to think about his voice when I start to miss him, or if it's better for me to try not to think about him. Obviously his pictures and his memories just get me really upset. Sometimes I think I dwell on it because I'm scared to death to let go, and I'm scared of forgetting how happy he made me and how he made me feel. Why does death hurt so much? Why can't we just understand they go on we just can't see them right now. The sting is when I think of his beautiful smile and it hits me that it doesn't exist anymore, that his entire self is ashes now. No matter how much I tell myself he does exist in heaven and he is happy now.  I look at that screenshot of a text between us and he is still so real to me, and my love for him is real. I was always scared he would break my heart but I could have never imagined it would be like this. It had been a long time since I had seen him and I just wanted to hug him. I wish I could have at least had that. Every single day just brings more and more tears. 

14 minutes ago, kayc said:

That's the trouble with turning to friends who haven't been through it, they just can't get it, they don't understand.  There IS no timeline!

Right! They don't get it at all. Another thing too, I think they feel like my grief should be less as I was not his wife. That certainly doesn't mean I loved him any less, not just in a romantic way but just love in general. I loved him as a person and as a friend. I loved him for who he was. He had a good heart. My husband can be a nightmare when he is on drugs. He has been doing better but if he were to find out I'm sure he would get on drugs and there is no telling the outcome. Now when he is sober he is kind and a good man but even then there is no telling what he would do if he found out something like this. I have already told people I wished I wouldn't have. It's people that's I trust but still now it's something for me to worry about. What happens is I see someone I'm close to and they can tell something is wrong. As soon as they ask the waterworks turn on and then they get worried about me and basically don't let me go until I tell them. Hardly anyone knew before and I've been just so alone and emotional I've told a few people. One thing I have learned is you never know which people will be there for you until you go through hard times, and sometimes the ones that are there are a surprise to you. 

1 hour ago, Finch said:

 

I also experienced the loss of a dream. The hope of a relationship in the future. I still dream about it. 

I am 35 and one year ago I could not see myself reaching 36. But I'm here, somehow.

The guy you were friends with in high school sounds like the safest option if you were to approach anyone. I can only tell you from personal experience that when I contacted one of Crystal's friends, I was glad I did, mainly because it filled in some gaps about things I was desperate to know surrounding her final days. But I played it very cautious and didn't say more than I was a concerned penpal from overseas. The friend was very helpful and it relieved some of the desire I had to contact her family. But your situation might be different so may not have the same outcome. That's why it's good to give it some time and think more clearly down the line.

Don't punish yourself about the fact that he seemingly didn't tell anyone about you. I have accepted that Crystal did not tell anyone about me. At first I was confused and angry about it, but now I actually see it as something beautiful. What we had was special, unique, personal and private. An escape for both of us. We had each other and that's all we needed. She had her family and other life there. Noone else needed to know. I was hers and hers alone. Maybe the same for you? It sounds like you were in a complex situation, both of you. You didn't tell your husband, and he didn't tell his wife. You know how much he meant to you, why wouldn't it be the same from his point of view?

Do you have kids?

I know you don't feel like it now, but if friends are not a good option, speaking to a proper grief counselor might be an outlet just to have someone listen to everything you need to get out. You said you feel like you will just die if you don't do something. Well, something proactive to do, especially in your situation where you are keeping this from your husband, you need to find outlets for your grief, for the good of your mental and physical wellbeing. So a counselor might be one. Especially as your grief is so complicated. It's really hard to unpack all the elements and make sense of it all. Don't face this alone, please.

I do have two kids. He had two also. I get really torn up when I think about his kids. He loved them so much and would do anything for them. Now they have to grow up without him. I did see one counselor. I didn't feel uncomfortable with her I just didn't really think it helped very much. She may not have been the right one though I don't know. I do have the few friends that know but it's like they imposes a timeline on my grief. They think I should be better by now. People say "just take your mind off of it try not to think about it." As you well know I'm sure that is impossible to do. How do you take your mind off someone you have thought about every since you met 11 years ago. Would you say you are much better than you were a year ago? I hope one day I can smile at his memory rather than cry. I guess I have doubts about how he felt because we didn't really talk about it. It was just better not to talk about it in our situation. I feel like he felt the same as I do though. I've never felt anything like what Infelt between us both when we were even just sitting by each other. I feel like if I was his widow and I knew he was mine I would just cling to his memory as if I was still married for the rest of my life. For me I feel like he isn't mine to cling to. I try to tell myself this life is only temporary and I will see him again in heaven. But then I wonder will he even want to know me there? Was I important enough that he looks forward to me coming there or just his wife? It's silly thoughts to some, and I really cant put it into words, my fears and concerns. I wonder if we even can know each other there since I knew him through sin here. It hurts so much thinking I might be here for another 50 years with no answers. Right now I'm only looking forward to heaven and I know that is no way to live, but it's just how I feel. 

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Yes. You are mourning the loss of a dream, and what you are feeling, although painful, is understandable. I invite you to read this, in hopes that it speaks to you and offers you some comfort: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

Thank you 

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Welcome the numb.  I called it my numbing down.  Now after 17 months, I cannot do it.

After 17 months I have some periods of almost happiness.  I feel too guilty to be happy.  I think that goes with all of us.  We were happy with our mate but we have lost a whole half side of our body and we tend to flop along.  You think you cannot enjoy things because your mate cannot enjoy them with you.  If you have other people, family, in your life you will have to try to help take care of them, but you really do have to take care of yourself first.

After living with Billy nearly 55 years my first impulse was to follow him, and I did not mind doing that at all.  I did not want to live without him.  I tried grief group, (This is the only place that I found that addresses our grief). We lived for and took care of family during all that time and I have a hard time listening to music.  I turned politics off TV earlier to music.  Turned to easy listening music.  They just played "A Time for Us" from West Side Story  and that is what we thought.  Eventually there will be "a time for us" but there never was.  I get bitter sometimes.  We fitted into those years a bunch of things we wanted to do, so I will give up on that sadness.  We have to take care of  ourselves, but in my case, I also have to take care of family and sometimes (other than my teenage granddaughter), I have to just ignore family.  

I cannot say it gets "easier" cause there is nothing easy about it.  I will say things get different, and the definition of that has to come from you.  I cannot tell you what my different is.  Sometimes I do not even notice seasons have changed.  I will say, somehow we do manage to flop along.  I don't know how that saying goes, two steps forward, fall back one.  Just keep reading.  You will recognize your feelings somewhere in this forum and you  will see how we all feel at different times.  We are all from different backgrounds, different parts of the country, but grief is a common denominator.  

I also can not listen to music. I can't stand it hardly. But when I get in the car with my husband and kids of course I can't just say I don't like music anymore. However one day I cried out to God that if he could just let me know he was ok and I would see him again I would be ok. I turned on the radio even after having it off so long onto the Christian radio station. These are the lyrics to the song that was playing. 

27 minutes ago, Finch said:

Hi,

I was reading your posts and nearly everything you said with what you have been through in the last month, I can relate to in some way. I'm so very sorry for how much this hurts and how complicated the situation is. The feelings and emotions you are experiencing, I experienced similar, and still experience. If you've read my posts in this thread then you might recognise this? I know how you feel when you ask 'who hurts for me?' To their family, you don't exist. You are invisible, a ghost. To most of Crystal's family and friends, I don't exist and I now have no connection to the things in her life bar looking from afar on Facebook and brief contact with one of her friends (and 1 very cautious message to her father). They grieve together, we grieve in isolation. They don't know how significant we were in their lives. How much we meant to them and they to us. It's not fair that what we had or what we hoped to have in the future isn't validated by others. I too often think - wouldn't Crystal's parents be upset to know there is someone hurting so much over their daughter? So much profound hurt, like them? But then I measure that against the fact that the Crystal I loved was different to the Crystal they loved. And she didn't tell them about me, so I should respect that and not risk causing them pain. It's so tough to navigate and to consider their feelings when our pain feels literally unbearable. So complicated and difficult to know what is the right thing to do and to this day I go back and forth on it. I have discussed it many times on here and with my grief counselor and with friends. I don't know if I can offer you effective advice. I am still finding my way but I do want you to know that you are not alone and I will listen to whatever you want to talk through, and everyone else here will listen.

The contacts I have made so far have been very cautious, as I said. I don't know if I will make any more. I would probably recommend that you let some time pass first before acting on any decision to contact. Let your head and heart be in a better place so that your judgement is clearer and you can more objectively weigh up the pros and cons, and they whys of doing it.

Does anyone in your life know what you are going through? Does your husband know? Any friends you can talk to who might support you?

Finch

 

 

 

 

 

Yes when I read through some of your posts I identified with a lot of what you were feeling. I confided in a few friends, some I wish I wouldn't have as only one has been very supportive. My husband does not know. He can be pretty crazy and there is no telling what he would do if he found out. Another reason why contacting anyone would be risky. That is why most of the times we saw each other I was paranoid, paranoid he would somehow see or find out. So we were going to meet a little out of town that next week. That was the last conversation we had, planning that day that never came. Then of course the text I never responded to. That will haunt me forever. I did send the sister a fb message just saying I was a friend and I was sorry, really just feeling her out to see if she might know. Evidently she didn't she just said thank you. That hurts too wondering if I meant as much since he didn't tell her.  I didn't tell my siblings of course but I am not that close as I think he was to her. I even considered contacting her through a fake Facebook anonymously just to see how she would react. That's what I was thinking is I would wait and see how I feel about it as time continues. Some days I feel like I will just die if I don't do something. My head starts getting dizzy and I just feel sick. I am 33 and I can't imagine living with this terrible pain for another 50 plus years. My only other idea was contacting a guy I was friends with in high school that he was friends with. It was actually his fb status that let me know he had passed. I don't know how good of friends they were recently though but I don't think he would judge me or tell anyone. But I don't know how much good it would do either. But I talked to him about personal things in high school of course that was years ago. I also have to worry about opening up a door for continued messages from him or my husband finding his reply etc. Certainly seems crazy to worry about it now that he isn't here anymore. I loved him so much he was everything I ever wanted and he wasn't never mind. So it's not just grieving his death it's grieving a possibility, its grieving a relationship I never had. As long as he was alive I felt there was more to come and there was a reason I met him even if I wouldn't know for years to come. I always thought at some point in this life we would be together. All that hope is gone and I feel like everything is just so hopeless. I do love my husband but he's had an off and on drug problem and has put me through pure hell at times. He was my silver lining and everything I could ever want. He recently sent me a fb friend request which I at first didn't accept because I didn't want my husband to ask who he was how I knew him or anything. But I couldn't resist accepting it. It felt so good to have that connection. To be able to see when he was active. I looked at it all day to see when he was on there. There were periods in those years we didn't see each other or talk much when we were trying to do the right thing, and I thought well no matter what happens I feel better now that we are connected on fb and I can see how his life is going and know he is here. Now he is gone just when he was opening up more than he has before and I was beyond excited to see him. I pick up my phone all day and want to look at his page even though I know nothing has changed. So I look at his family's instead. I am still struggling very much with acceptance he was just so alive. The last time I saw his face was in a FaceTime call. He said why haven't we done this before it might be the only way we get to see each other. We were having trouble getting schedules together to see each other. He was excited about his motorcycle and told me about it. He was just beaming. I said jokingly but serious too "please don't die on it" and he just laughed and said "what." That's how he died. That's the last time I ever "saw" him was on that call. 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Numb and Lost,

Welcome to this site.  Others should be along shortly.  You have complicated grief, being unable to openly love and grieve, and that is so much harder.  

Thank you. I feel like I absolutely can't make it today. It just gets harder instead of easier. I'm in the bathroom pretending to take a shower so really I can sit in here and cry. I'm just having a total breakdown today. I just don't know how to just go on living my life like he was never here. I look at that screenshot of a text between us just to remember he was. It just hurts so bad I still don't feel like it can be real. I am just sitting here shaking and there is no amount of counseling or medication that could fix it. I see how everyone hurts for his family and I wonder but who hurts for me? I'm just no one sitting here with nothing but a bag of dirt to comfort myself. One friend encouraged me to contact his mother as she said a mother would want to know anything about her son and would want any opportunity to talk about him. While I'm not going to do that because I have no way of knowing how she would take it, as a mother of a son myself, I would want someone to contact me. I would never want anyone my son loved in any way to hurt like this alone, and I would want to talk about him to anyone that wanted to talk about him also. I just can't believe it's true that I will never see him in this life again or be able to say what I want to say. Yesterday I keep having this conversation come back about when his child got older and it just makes me sick because he will never see that. I imagine how devestated he would have been if he had known he was going to die right before Christmas. I don't know how to go on and lead even a semblance of a normal life. I look at my clothes in my closet and I don't want to wear some of them because I remember wearing them with him, or even talking to him while wearing them. I used to care so much about what I looked like and now I feel like it doesn't matter because he isn't here to see me anyway. I used to workout all the time to the point of obsession and now I feel like I don't want to it will just keep me healthy longer. I know I'm going on and on and on but I'm just so alone and it hurts so much. 

On 12/12/2016 at 0:57 AM, Finch said:

 

They can't come to me with questions if they don't know I exist.

But I take your point.

It's not easy to add that perspective. To work out what is the right thing to do balanced against what I feel the need to do and what I think Crystal would have wanted. I'm trying, I really am.

Hi, KayC actually directed me to this forum from another one as I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. I've read your posts and am battling that urge to contact family. I am married and he was married as well. I love him very much. I can't say it in the past tense form "loved" because I still love him even though he is gone. He was killed a month ago in an accident. He was 34. We hadn't seen each other in a while and had been trying to get together. Every time I ever saw him it was in a place I didn't feel comfortable or felt paranoid. So we talked a lot about this day we planned to see each other where I could feel comfortable. I planned to say things I needed to say then, but that day never came. He text me and I was unable to respond dealing with problems at home. I was going to call him after the weekend but instead I opened up my Facebook to see that he was gone. I had a dream a few months or so before that I saw he died on Facebook the exact way I did when it really happened. At that time I was so relieved it was a dream and I thought that is one thing I couldn't handle. Now it's my reality. I have no connection to him at all now. I have nothing of his. I have a screenshot of a text, his Facebook pictures, and a bag of dirt from his grave because I just needed something. I look at his family's fb page and see how they are grieving and I feel what they feel. It is so hard not having anyone to cry with that loved him too. I of course would never contact his wife or want her to know but I have wanted to contact his sister. They were close and just by reading things she posts I feel like she would understand. But I can't do that because I don't know that for sure and it's a risk.  Also I feel like if he wanted her to know he would have told her.  Of course he didn't think this would happen and I would be hurting the way I am. I just have this need for something. I feel like there is something I could or should do. He didn't want to break up his family and although I didn't want to break up mine I loved him so much I can't say what might have happened in the future. But we didn't talk about feelings a lot. I never told him exactly how I felt about him. I'm pretty sure he knew though. He never told me either but I know how he looked at me, and it was the same way I looked at him. Part of me is searching for validation and part of me wants to grieve with someone who loves him too. I feel like he probably told someone but I have no way to know who. I am struggling with all this but at the end of the day I know it's just me holding on to him any way that I can. I don't feel like I can go on. The pain is just too much.