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Mama's baby

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About Mama's baby

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    University Heights

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    At home

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  1. Hi KayC, I'm just so scared... my PTSD came back again and it just struck me down at my knees that I just don't know how to go on... it seems like it's all over again and I am so scared... I am so scared..... Just help me! HELP! Chen
  2. Hi!! I'm actually going through the same thing, where my exboyfriend started distant himself from me when I started grieving over my mom's suicide. For me, the grief was delayed and I just recently started grieving, and I have done a tremendous amount of work and made lots of progress on my grief. However, same as your girlfriend, the guy I was dating also shut himself out from my life, and we are also long distance. I know exactly how you feel, that you felt that you cared so much (me and that guy also talked about future plans and stuff and I thought it was so promising...), but in the end what's returned was just so surprising... I went to a Reiki session today, and the girl who did Reiki on me also did reading on me, and told me that the word "abuse" came up when she touched my body (that's how Reiki works), and that it was abandonment. It felt like that, and I'm just so shattered by what happened... I still can't have a grasp on what really happened, and I don't know how to go on. But I'm glad that KayC pointed out that our life never stays in the same place, ever. That brings me comfort, because I know that one day I will get through, and I will be able to get out of this darkness. I have experienced it before, and I will experience it again. Keep holding on.
  3. As I was walking toward a good direction on my grief journey, where my PTSD started to subside, my anxiety was lower, I was starting to able to sleep, there was one thing that just drew me back. My ex-boyfriend started to withdraw from me because he had lots of trouble with work and decided to quit, and he talked to me less and less during my most vulnerable state. It reached to a point where yesterday we both said that it would be beneficial to just take a break. Even though I feel firm that it is a good decision for me, I was still so sad that I cried for an hour (with my friends around me) last night. Then last night while I was trying to go to sleep, I was internally then physically shaking because of the upsetness. I allowed myself to tremble for a bit, then I wa able to relax and fell back to sleep. This morning I tried to go to class, but during class we were talking about racism and killing, and I started feeling agitated again that I started feeling shortness of breath. I ended up going outside of the classroom and sat on a bench to breath... someone walked over and asked if i was okay, I said I'm going through grief and breakup. They suggested me to call my doctor, and I called my nurse. My nurse said that the shaking, the crying, and the trembling were all due to anxiety and the upsetness. She said that its not depression, and it's not something physical. It's just that my emotions were so strong that my body is not used to that...Right now I just feel numb, I don't know what to think... Maybe I will get back on medication... I'm just very very tired...
  4. I'm having a panic attack... I don't know what to say...As I mentioned earlier, two days ago I felt this enormous pain that my mom was going through about sleeplessness, and I just felt her saying to me, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry, just forgive me, just forgive me..." I was really scared to death, first feeling all that pain, and second feeling about my mom. After that "encounter" with my mom, I started to think that it was actually okay for my mom to commit suicide. Because I really experienced her pain, and I just felt like it was okay. But how can I say that?! For the entire two years after my mom was gone, I was never, NEVER okay with her suicide. I tried so many times to feel okay about it, but I was never never okay until two days ago after that experience. Now that I actually feel okay, I feel like I'm going insane. How can I allow that to be okay? How can I allow myself to be okay with my mom's suicide? If I feel okay with it, does that mean that I'm okay with suicide in general? Does that mean that suicide is just a "normal death"? I am so confused by how I feel. On one hand, I tried so hard in the past two years to get here. On the other hand, after finally feeling "okay" about it, I feel crazy. I feel insane. I feel that I should not be okay with it. It is such a difficult difficult place that I'm in...Please please help me! Has anyone had that experience?Chen
  5. Mama's baby

    I don't know where I am

    Dear Marty, Thank you very much for your response! It was so helpful hearing that from a mental healthcare professional! I went to my psychiatrist today and he also said the same thing, that what I'm experiencing is very normal, that though my symptoms of anxiety is not 100% resolved, it's not 100% unmanageable. I'm feeling so much support from my doctors, my therapists, my friends, and my neighbors. Thank you so much! I ended up sleeping with my neighbor/grandma figure by my side and I felt very safe afterwards. I was able to fall asleep around 2:30 and had eight hours of solid sleep. Every day I'm walking on edge but hey, it's another day that I accomplished. I thank God for all of you who provide love, kindness, and support to me. I think I will get through okay. Chen
  6. Hi all, i lost my mom two years ago and recently I just started to mourn and grieve. It's been so hard. I'm reviewing the painful year that my mom had before she passed, and for some reason, every time I remember her pain, like her not being able to sleep for a whole year, my heart broke so much that I could literally feel her pain of not being able to sleep. Is this even normal? I feel like my mom's pain transferred into my body and now I just feel so sorry for her. I imagine holding her hands and trying to comfort her to go to sleep.... and now I can not fall asleep any more.... please help me! Has anyone had experiences like this? chen
  7. Mama's baby

    Grief after two years

    Dear Marty, Thank you so much for the responses. It does feel like grief, and every day after school ends, I just want to go home and cry, and let the sadness, the emptiness, the disappointment, the missing my mom part (that part is both so sad and so beautiful at the same time)... I would cry for hours, in the end not even knowing why i'm crying but I still want to cry. I have a grief therapist who specializes in suicide loss and she's been so wonderful for the past two years to help me working through ups and downs. I will continue posting and reading on this forum. It is comforting knowing that I'm not alone. It is comforting knowing that this is a journey that I'm on now, that God put me on this journey again to let me experience and learn what it's called life. I think whenever I say to myself, huh, so this is what it feels like to grieve, this is what it feels like to live this life, that's when I feel the most relieved... I'm also in touch with a local organization that helps people with grief. I will see if I could get support from there as well. All in all, I want to work on this grief, because only that way that I can feel connected to my mom again. Love, Chen
  8. Dear all, I'm new to the forum and I'm just very glad that I found this resource! My story is uncommon and common at the same time. I lost my mom to suicide two years ago, and before she took her life, I didn't see her for a year because we lived in different countries. Before she passed, she was already in a deep depression, and she was only prescribed with medications. She never did therapy, which I assume in a country that's still not aware of how important mental health is (like China), people are not comfortable with talking about their issues. My mom fought for nine strong months (she started her plan nine months before she took her life), but eventually she gave in. And during the entire time that my mom was depressed, my dad didn't tell me a whole lot about what was going on, and I only talked to my mom once a month because she just felt like an entirely different person and didn't feel like talking to me any more. When I knew about my mom's death, it was already too late. Since then I developed very bad PTSD of constantly thinking that my life is in danger or on edge, because it just didn't make sense that my once happy, positive, and energetic mom can just take her life like that. There were lots and lots of warning signs, and my dad just didn't take them seriously... But anyways, I started taking a very low dosage anti-depressant for my anxiety/PTSD, and for the last two years I actively worked on my PTSD and it got to a point where things were very very stable and happy again. Then one month ago my doctor and I both thought it was time to come off of the antidepressant. However, despite the moderate level of withdrawal symptoms (that I was able to push through), I realized that my grief has come back. In fact, it almost seems silly, but I was never able to grieve normally because of my PTSD. It was like, every time I thought about my mom's death in the past two years, it was just, blank. I felt disconnected from my mom, and for some reason I couldn't even remember all of the happy memories that I had with my mom before she as depressed. But this past month after I got off of the antidepressant, I started feeling very connected with mom (with several mental closures to things), and that led me to a deep grief. Only two weeks ago did I first started to miss my mom like crazy, because my friends' moms were around and I was just so sad when I saw them. I don't have a mom any more! It's such a new AND old fact, which I'm still trying to get used to... But now whenever I hold my mom's fur vest (it was her favorite piece of clothes), I just cry and cry and I feel myself breaking, my body is shattered into pieces. I remember one night I was crying, and I just kept telling my mom, mom, my wings are broken, they are so broken, I can't fly any more... I'm so hurt... The bad thing is, whenever I cry like that, my PTSD symptoms start to resurface and I find myself keep checking with myself, "am I okay? Am I in danger? Am I going to commit suicide?", because those were the original questions that bothered me at the beginning of this whole journey. But now I am definitely more equipped to recognize those symptoms and will allow myself to just focus on grief, rather than falling into fear again. But I'm on this journey... what can I say? Life just takes us onto a rollercoaster ride and all I need to do is just ride along... But my heart is broken...
  9. Mama's baby

    delayed grief

    Dear Gemma, You are describing exactly what I'm experiencing! Actually I was searching with the keyword "delayed grief" and I found this. Same as you, I had severe PTSD after my mom's death two years ago. She committed suicide, and after that my life was all shattered, and I was constantly in fear for a year. Luckily, I worked through that with the help of my therapist as well as medication. Recently I came off of the medication, and after a month of processing emotions and feelings, I can't believe (I was shocked to find out) that I was never able to normally grieve over my mom's death, because all I knew was fear toward her suicide. But just last week I felt such a deep connection with her and that's when I really started to grieve, because now I remember her and that love and mother/daughter bond just resurfaced so strongly. It is very frustrating, because (as you know) with the history of PTSD, anything can get very scary. My fight-or-flight is on the edge, although I'm able to manage it this time because I have had so much experience with it. I was constantly scared of my own death and the fear that suicide would come take me, but now I know that is not the truth. Still, when I'm extremely sad, that fight-or-flight is so much on alert that not only I need to deal with my sadness, I need to deal with my anxiety. I'm learning to focus on my grief when I'm sad. I keep telling myself that it is okay to feel sad, to feel pain, because pain is healing. My body has such a huge mental protective response to pain (I think you know what I'm talking about...). But after all, despite all of the sadness, I can finally grieve. Even that is a progress. Have a peaceful night, Chen