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About lrlr

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    mom (currently in hospice from lung cancer)
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    miami , florida (she is at home alone with her hospice nurse)

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  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    los angeles, ca
  1. I just wanted to thank everyone for responding to me this past week and for all of your thoughts, ideas, and support. I made the decision to not go to Miami, and I got the call today that my mother passed away today. She had not eaten or drank or spoken in 3 days. I am shocked at how ok I am doing right now, and how much more I felt worried this past week. When my father, who kidnapped me, and raised me (but abused me terribly and terrorized me at the same time - even though I KNOW how much he loved me - he was incapable of being normal), I cried for a month straight and I was not doing well. I'm wondering if choosing to not engage with my family members is helping me feel this strange feeling of being just ok right now. This is odd. Any experiences anyone has to share with feeling strangely just "Ok" and going on about your life, I would love to hear them. I mean I am feeling it - but in a very detached way. Of course I cried when I got the phone call - but I'm not distraught like I thought I'd be. Thank you all for being here <3
  2. Thank you everyone. This was really helpful. I am very very very close to officially deciding I'm not going to go see my mother. When i sit quietly with it - my body feels much more peaceful here surrounded by my friends and supportive loved ones (chosen not familial), and when I imagine going to Miami to be with my mother - my body feels very very tense and not good. I feel like ....... i just want to make sure that I am not choosing not to go out of fear, vs choosing not to go out of true genuine love for myself and the most self loving thing (oxygen mask on me first)........
  3. I really really really appreciate this message. You are so lucky your sisters have been able to maintain that mindset - I believe that would be a dream come true for me. That's awesome. Unfortunately, that has not happened in my family. According to them I seem to be Satan. This message really helped me. Thank you so much. I honestly feel so terribly guilty not going - and I know this is not my own guilt to carry, it's my mother's for not being a real mother - but I am still feeling it very intensely and I cannot eat. I am scattered and can't even deal with figuring out what flight to take when I look up flights. I feel extremely selfish and as if I was in denial somehow if I don't go - like I am avoiding something. And that is really why I keep trying to force myself to go - because I do not want to be like my family. I want to do the self loving thing from a place of love all around - not just jump on a plane or not on a plane out of another 'reaction' to toxicity... if that makes sense. Thank you all <3
  4. Hi there, Thank you for responding. Miss Ngu, this is very helpful seeing as my siblings and family probably see me the way you see your siblings. I've said really really intense things to my mother - but remember, there was a valid reason for me saying them , coming from my perspective. And personally, my belief is that yes - you give ANYONE the right to process and walk through their own very personal relationship with their parent before death. No matter WHAT. I am despondent right now to be honest. I cannot think straight, my stomach - I am literally unable to eat food. I am a wreck. However, I have NO idea what I will be walking into if I get myself out to Miami to go say goodbye to her, and that scares me. I also have not found anyone available to travel with me to Florida. I have no idea why my mother didn't tell me she was sick. I don't understand. I didn't hate her. I love her so much I really love her - I just wanted her to be a parent and she only was capable of being one on her very own terms and I couldn't do it that way. I just wasn't able to. Now I am feeling such terrible guilt it is horrible. Kayc- Yes i have a therapist, I'm very active in Adult Children of Alcoholics / alanon (no one in my family drank or did drugs but my mom smoked for more than 45 years, and my dad kidnapped me so basically my parents behaved like they were drunk anyway etc with the erratic behavior (gas lighting etc). I am VERY active within a support community. Even so, I am single and don't have anyone family like that I can sort of go to 24 hours a day like I need right now, so this helps. Marty T - thank you. That seems to be the feeling I'm getting, that I have answered my own question. But this is death - and you know, as humans, its SO hard to say "thanks for the opportunity to hug my mom one more time, but thanks I'll pass." It's what it feels like not going. Any more help or support or thoughts anyone has would be really helpful. I really appreciate all of you.
  5. hi. i am a 44 year old woman (single) and no kids. i have been estranged from my 2 sisters and one brother since my father died 3 years ago and i had to hire an attorney against 2 of my siblings. we went to meditation and have not spoken since. my heart broke but i did my best to move forward with my life. my father kidnapped my sisters, my brother and myself from our mother when i was about 7. my mom found us but decided to leave us with our father , who she knew was abusive and had married a horribly abusive woman. my mother has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother - preferring to just "move forward" which meant for me , that I had to just never really have needs and just kind of accept what she wanted to offer me. she was not abusive, just self centered and very "private." i decided, yet again, after my father died, that my mother wasn't acting in a way that i felt safe around and it was too much for me to keep trying to not have needs and just be a smiling happy daughter..... so i decided to stop talking to her again (a lot of awful things happened with my siblings after my father died and she wasn't supportive of me and that felt like a 2nd abandonment to me). I just got a call from my moms best friend 2 days ago that my mother was diagnosed a year ago with lung cancer (she's been a smoker my whole life), she lives in miami and i live in los angeles. she has been through chemo and is now in hospice at her own apt. she is also now too medicated to talk on the phone or even look at her phone. (I found this out from one of her broken english speaking nurses). no one in my family will accept my phone calls or texts, and when I spoke to my aunt (my mothers sister) she told me that she didn't think it was her job to tell me my mother had cancer and started blaming me for hurting my mother by being estranged. the thing is - now i am not able to talk to my mother, she can't answer her phone, i have no idea how long she has left (doesn't seem like long), and i do not know what to do. i do not know if i am supposed to get on a plane and go see her, or if it's more of a self loving thing to do and the best self care for myself, to start greiving for her here where i have my own support system and friends who love me. for whatever reason my siblings hate me - and refuse to speak to me or give me any information about my mother. they do not return my calls or texts. i just literally found all of this out - my older brother and sister i guess moved to miami (my 2 sisters and my brother all lived in los angeles) 9 months ago to take care of my mother. again no one told me. this is all a lot for me to try to stomach and process. i know my mother did not hate me - and her best friend kept telling me that "your mother planned to tell you herself, but she just got very sick and we didn't see it coming so i am calling you now" - and i am hearing through a mutual friend of one of my sisters that apparently my mother asked my siblings not to tell me she had cancer. I really do not know what the best idea is for me - to go say goodbye to my mom across the country without the support of people who know me, and possibly exposing myself to my extremely toxic siblings and relatives (when they were angry with me after my father died - they told me i was not allowed into my fathers home unless they were there to "watch" me) all the way across the country. It took me 2 years to get my life back to a stable place emotionally after everything i went through with my siblings after my father died. i cannot do it again. anyone with any experience or thoughts around this would be so so so very helpful. thank you all so much.
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