janieb0828

Derek, I am not at the one year mark yet. It will be eight months the 21st of this month. Things are getting better, and I fear the same as you. Must be something we all will fear, the feeling of sadness and loss. We have lost the one we thought we would be with forever. Well there forever was true, ours is still not over, its a long journey we have ahead of us. Just remember they still are with us, just not physically, but in our heart and our memories.

I am at 7 months. You are right were I am. These are normal, I am finding out. It has been really hard. With Christmas was the worst... I missed him so much over Christmas... Really wished he was with us.

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That was very beautiful.... Thank You!

KayC I know people do not understand. It doesn't matter how long it has been, you are still having a lot of pain and suffering. You may be having a more harder time since its the Holidays and you just started your new job. Its a lot of extra stress, that you don't normally have. I know, after I went back to work two months after the motorcycle accident everyone expected me to be ok, well I wasn't and going back to work only stressed me out to the point that I went back off of work six weeks later and I have been off every since. I go back to work part-time starting Monday, I expect myself to be having the same feelings as you, with the money stress, and Christmas coming up I just dont know how I am going to be. Try to hold on, and being mad at him is a part of the grieving process, so don't think that you are having this feeling and be guilty about them. I have been so mad at Mike for the last couple of weeks. I went outside the other night and used our Bike Helmets as punching bags. Because it was the first time we road on the Highway without them in a long time, and it just ticked me off. You should find some way of letting out your anger, but don't do what I did, because I cracked the side of my hand. Walk or excersize is what my Psychologist told me to do. Walk and talk to yourself, even if you are standing in your house and walking in place, say how you feel as you walk, believe me it really helps.

Derek, Your son, is really speaking from his heart. That just brought tears to my eyes. For a seven year old to think of others in very few and far between at this time of year. You have a wonderful Son!!

Laurie, You have done nothing different then most people. Mike and I fought a lot. We also said terrible things to one another. You can't blame yourself, I have to agree Derek, we are here for a reason, I know for a fact, I should have been dead five times over, I was hit by a semi, in my drivers door and the seatbelt magically broke saving my life. I went off the back of the bike at 35 miles an hour, and I have tried overdosing taking a bottle of lorazapam and a fifth of tequila once, and the other two times, I took a full bottle of sleeping pills. Its not our time. We are here for a reason. God wants us here, and he will help us get through. No matter how our life is going, some how we have to look to him and find the strength. "Boy that is words, I never thought would come out of my mouth, but somehow it just did".

Everyone, We are all suffering from the same thing in our lives, we are lucky we have this wonderful website to let us talk to each other. I think no matter what, we all wanted something to happen differently in the loss of our loved ones. It took them a long time to get me away from Mike as he laid on the ramp, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to let go, I knew the next time I would see him he would be laying in a funeral home. Right after the accident happened and the ambulance arrived, I thought he was still alive, when they started cutting off his leather jacket, I told them "Mike is going to be so mad at you guys for cutting his brand new jacket" and they all looked at me so strange, the look on ther face made me realized he was gone. I dragged myself over to him, and they started shocking his heart all I could do is scream and cry, after a couple times of them doing that, I finally said "if he is gone let him go". I just sat and held his hand and cried, they finally made me go to the hospital. Dam I didn't want to leave him yet. I was not ready to leave him yet. Sorry everyone, I just started and it came out, that is the first time I have told anyone that. Thanks for listening to me.

Mary, I can completely relate to what you are saying. It is not easy at all to go on without the one you love. No matter if its a few months or many years love is love. Losing the one you love is the hardest thing in the world. You must go on. He would want you too. Mike wants me to go on, believe me I know, I attempted suicide four different times, I took enough sleeping pills at one time I should not be here. I took 83 pills. I slept for days, but I am still here. I am sorry you didn't get the closer that you needed by not being able to go to the funeral. That would be hard to handle. I did get to go to Mikes, I was in a wheelchair, but I got to attend. I needed that closer. You should definetly go to his grave, and tell him what you wanted to say to him. It helps. I have done it with Mike. Its a tough thing that we are all going through!! I do suggest seeking counseling, it has helped me. If you go see one and you don't like them try another one, I went threw three before I found one that I could actually relate to, and anti-depressents, from going threw a tragic accident like that, you are proably suffering from Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome. That is what they diagnosed me as. So it would be good to talk to someone. You can email me directly and we can talk, and the group here is great. They are wonderful people to talk to.

chrissy You have to be strong for the baby and you are helping yourself out by putting up the tree. I have not put up my tree yet. Mike and I always did it on Thanksgiving night. He wasn't here, so I didn't bother. You did good by putting it up.

Thank You everyone for your such kind words. I used to talk to my mom everyday. I stopped after Mike died, I pretty much cut myself off from most everyone for a while. After Thanksgiving, I have talked to my mom everyday again. It is helping!!!

Well yesterday, I found out that my mom is not going to be with us much longer. I don't know if I can handle losing my mom after just losing Mike, I don't think I can handle another loss. I lost two of my really good friends also in the last six months. I THINK GOD HATES ME. I can't handle it First Mike, then Marcey, and then April. Now my moms dying. WHAT THE HECK DID I DO SO WRONG, THAT GOD HAS TO TAKE EVERYONE AWAY FROM ME. They say that god does not make you go through anymore then you can handle. I don't believe that anymore, because I can't handle it anymore.

I am so glad to hear that you got a job. I am sure that he is watching over you and that he knows, and he is so proud of you.

Laurie, You said that everyone said your young and you will find someone else. My mother just told me that last night. I just looked at her like she was nuts. Right now, finding someone is the furthest thing from my mind. I have to get to the point where I don't cry everyday for I can even go one step further. I am not wanting or desiring to meet anyone. I am glad you are getting some meds. They sure help, I got lucky, my insurance where I work, covers all of mine except for one, I spend, 35.00 for four different meds. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!!

Flossie, It is a pretty hard time right now, My birthday was also three months after Mike passed away, I wish I had found a birthday card from him, that would have made me feel so good. My parents came by and I have my boys here for my birthday. It was pretty hard. As for not understanding how to do the bills. Don't feel like your an idiot you should ask someone for help, if you have children old of age on there own, they can help you out. It seems like your husband was trying to take good care of you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!